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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this will be the best blow job you ever had!

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!

What's green, 2 inches long, and smells like Miss piggy's pussy?
Kermit's finger.

Where is an elephant's sex organ located?
In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked!

Why does Hillary Rodham always climb on top?
Because Bill Clinton can only fuck-up.

Why does Miss Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're jerking off and your hand falls asleep.

What the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.

What does a guy with a 12-inch cock usually have for breakfast?
Oh, I usually have bacon and eggs.

Why are eggs so frustrated?
Because they get laid once, eaten once, and you have to boil them to make them hard.

Why do women like Pac-man so much?
Where else can they get eaten three times for a quarter?

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A 27-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a jar of peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night long.

What did Cleopatra say to Marc Antony when he got frisky?
Not tonight, honey, it's my pyramid.

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

What's Spanish Human?
A new insecticide that gets flies so horny that they fuck themselves to death.

What's the most useless thing at Grandma's house?
Grandpa's dick.

What does an elephant use as a rubber?
A Hefty bag.

What's it like, trying to fuck an old man?
It's like trying to stuff a marshmallow into a parking meter.

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

What's the difference between a sin and a shame?
It's a sin to put it in and a shame to pull it out.

What's brown and fuzzy and lays in the forest?
Smokey the hooker.

Did you hear about the guy who chewed his baby's toes off?
He forgot his wife was pregnant.

How do you recondition an old whore?
Stick a 10-pound ham up her cunt and pull out the bone.

Why is a sun-tanned girl like a roast turkey?
Because the white meat is best.

What's brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.

What did Pinocchio say to Gepetto?
"Quit complaining about your crabs - I've got TERMITES!"

What's the best thing that comes out of a prick when you stroke it?
The wrinkles.

What's the smallest cemetery in the world?
A woman's cunt - it only takes one stiff at a time.

What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
One prick and it's all over.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

What's the difference between a man and a shower?
If you don't know, don't get under either of them.

What three two-letter words can deflate a man's ego?
"Is it in?"

What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?
A zipper.

What's the definition of a loser?
A guy who's hand falls asleep when he's jerking off.

Did you hear about the guy who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Darling.

Why do women like hunters?
They go deep in the bush, they always shoot twice, and they always eat what they shoot.

What's the only thing used tampons are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.

What do soy beans and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Why don't senators use bookmarks?
They just bend over the pages.

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

What's the fourth biggest lie?
It's only a cold sore.

What's the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono by snatching a kiss.

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

What's the fifth greatest lie?
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
A Cub Scout.

What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

What's gray and comes in gallons?
An elephant.

What's the difference between a nun and a bathing woman?
The nun has hope in her soul.

Why do Valley Girls wear two diaphragms?
Fer shurr, fer shurr.

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
Nothing grows in the shade.

How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids in a playground?
They're the ones with stretch marks on their lips.

Why did Dolly Parton's teeth fall out?
Her dentist couldn't reach them.

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

What's the definition of mixed emotion?
When you see your mother-in-law going over a cliff in your new Mercedes.

Did you her about the 90-year-old man who streaked the flower show?
He won first prize for his dried arrangement.

Why are Texas women so bow-legged?
Because Texas men eat with their hats on.

What's indecent?
When it's in long, in hard, and in deep, it's in decent.

Mickey Mouse (to the Judge): I wanted a divorce! Why did you commit Minnie to an insane asylum?
Judge: Because you said she was crazy!
Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy - I said I wanted a divorce because the bitch was fucking Goofy!

What's the difference between a nurse and a hooker?
A nurse pricks your finger.

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokinoff?

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because eight inches isn't enough.

What's red and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.

What's the difference between fish and meat?
If you beat your fish it will die.

What do you call a cow after an abortion?
Decalfinated.

Why don't roosters wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.

What's a proctologist?
A crack investigator.

Which of the following does not belong? A: Meat; B: Eggs; C: Wife; D: Blow-job.
D: Blow-job --- You can beat your meat, your eggs and your wife, but you can't beat a blow-job.

Why is making love like a roll of toilet paper?
Once you tear off the first piece, the rest comes easy.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes in, you don't eat them.

What do you call big, hairy, ugly nuns on motorcycles?
Hells Angels of Mercy.

What's a fly's favorite fast-food?
Kentucky Fried Chickenshit.

Why are the cunt and asshole so close?
So you can carry her home like a six-pack when she gets drunk.

How can women stop the population explosion?
By using their heads.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A six-pack.

How do you protect yourself from fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Why do babies cry when they're slapped?
Because they're too little to swear.

Why is being in the army like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why is being a prick not all it's cracked up to be?
It has a head but no brains; an eye that can't see; hangs around with a couple of nuts; lives around the corner from an asshole; it's best friend is a cunt; and when you pay attention to it, it stands up and spits at you.

One ovary: Did you order some furniture?
The other: No, Why?
The first: Because a couple of nuts are trying to shove an organ in.

What do you call a hooker with a chipped tooth?
A meat grinder.

What do you get when you fuck a midget?
Twerpies.
When you fuck a bird?
Chirpies.
When you fuck an ice cream cone?
Slurpies?

A guy sees a hooker, who offers her services for $25. Being short on cash, he asks what $5 could get him. Since the hooker has to piss, she says for $5 he can watch her. He asks her to piss in a can and the hooker agrees. After she leaves, the guy pulls out his prick and starts swirling it around in the can, and tells his prick "you better be happy with soup, 'cause we can't afford meat today".

Why are electric trains like a woman's tits?
They were originally for the children, but it's the fathers who usually play with them.

How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped with the wrong hand.

What do tampons and eye drops have in common?
They both get the red out.

What do women and screen doors have in common?
Bang them a few times and they loosen up.

Why is sex like the game of bridge?
Because you need either a good partner or a good hand.

Why is a hooker like a chicken farmer?
Both earn a living raising cocks.

A drunk walks up to a woman in a bar. "Boy, I sure would like to get in your pants," he says. "No thanks," she replies, "one asshole in my pants is enough."

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.

What's the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl says, "Who? Who?". A black owl says, "Who dere? Who dere?"

Did you hear about the lady lawyer from London?
She dropped her briefs and became a Solicitor.

Where do you get virgin wool?
From sheep the shepherd couldn't catch.

Why did the dentist spend his vacation in a whore house?
He wanted bigger cavities to drill.

What happened when the woman swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a hysterectomy, castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a friend, and gave her minister a harelip.

A little girl was watching her father shower. She asked him about his balls. "Those are my apples," he says. The girl ran to her mother and told her what Daddy said. Her mother asked, "did Daddy tell you about the dead limb they're hanging on, too?"

A bear and a rabbit were side by side, taking a shit. The bear asks, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "no, not at all." When he finished shitting, the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.

There was a mechanic named Paul,
who had a hexagonal shaped ball.
The square of it's weight,
plus his pecker, plus eight,
is his phone number, give him a call.

There was a young lady from Arden,
who sucked off her beau in the garden.
He said, "Dearest Flo,
where does it all go?"
And she said, "Gulp! I beg your pardon..."

There was a milkman named Schwartz,
whose pecker was covered with warts.
But, women would play
with his dick anyway,
'cause good old Schwartz came in quarts.

A guy comes home from work. "Honey, where are you?", he asks.
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answers.
"I told you never to talk like that," he yells.
"What do you want," she calls out, "good grammar or good taste?"

What's another name for masturbation?
I-balling.

What's Preparation-H?
Dingleberry jam.

What's a proctologist?
A crack investigator.

What's the difference between a beer and a booger?
A beer goes on the table, a booger goes under it.

He: What's the difference between a sandwich and a blowjob?
She: I don't know.
He: Let's have lunch!

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her ankles swell.

What do you call a rubber sheet?
A golden shower curtain.
A prick?
A golden shower rod.
A cunt?
A golden show spray.

If someone annoying calls you, try this on for size! P.S.: it only works for guys. . . sorry, girls!
You: What has a little dick and hangs down?
Caller: I don't know.
You: A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?
Caller: I don't know.
You: HANG UP!

Why didn't the witch wear any underwear?
So she could get a better grip on the broom.

At a medical convention a male and female doctor start eyeing each other up.The male doctor asks her to diner and she accepts.As they sit down at the resturant, she excuses herself to go to wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.Just as things start to get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has got to go and wash her hands. Once she gets back they go for it.After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.After she comes back the male doctor says "I bet your a surgeon."She confirms and askes how he new"Easy he says your always washing your hands." She then says "I bet your a anesthesiologist."The male doctor replies "How did you guess?""I didn't feel a thing." she replies