not just
Another Lawyer Jokes Page

Click here to go back to the main page.

If you have a joke why not submit it. It doesn't matter what sort of joke it is. Click here to submit your jokes.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good!

Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more jo

The beloved mohel is getting older, and his hands are not as steady as they once were. For a man who performs the bris (religious circumcision ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's having trouble getting insurance. Finally, his lawyer contacts him with the good news: "We've gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!" "What's that?" asks the mohel. The lawyer replies, "A one-inch deductible!"

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went first - "You're all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail." The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!" Then the bunny felt the snake - "You've got slimy skin, beady eyes and a forked tongue." The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"

An experienced editor tried to explain the newspaper business to a cub reporter: "You can't sell any papers with a 'Dog Bites Man' story, but 'Client Runs Off With Attorney's Funds' -- why, that would sell out a special edition."

A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."

An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."

The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Then there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens:
Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sauteed architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

It's been so cold in New York recently that several lawyers were spotted walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

A young man struck up a conversation with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening, and the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally, on the fourth night, the bartender, who had overheard the dentist's efforts, took him aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Dewey Cheatham & Howe. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment, he thought, "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and I'm already screwing someone."

The judge admonished the witness: "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A lawyer took his client ice fishing. While they were sitting around the hole in the ice, a polar bear, with a hungry look in his eye, started charging them from a half-mile off. The lawyer immediately pulled off his ice boots and started putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The client said, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, their top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The lawyer calmly replied, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"

Two lawyers were negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. End of discussion.

A patient goes to see a surgeon about having a heart transplant. The surgeon says: "I'll give you a choice: you can either have the heart of 25-year-old marathon runner or a 60-year-old lawyer. Which do you want?" The patient answers, "Easy - let me have the lawyer's." The surgeon, dumbfounded, says, "Why would you pick the heart of a 60-year-old lawyer over a 25-year-old marathon runner?" The patient replies, "I want one that's never been used."

A lawyer is defined as someone who makes sure he gets what's coming to you.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." The attorney said, "I'll take it."

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said, "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor, "We have more than enough clerks." With that, the lawyer got upset, jumped to his feet and walked toward the door, shouting, "To work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing S.O.B. anyway!" "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."

A lawyer invited his Czechoslovakian friend to visit his summer house in the backwoods of Maine. Early one morning, while they were out picking berries, two huge bears attacked. The lawyer escaped, but his friend was swallowed whole by the male bear. The lawyer quickly ran back to the house, and called the local sheriff. When the lawyer and the sheriff returned to the berry patch, the two bears were still there, and they began to hope that they might still save the friend. "He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff, however, took careful aim and shot the female. "Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said it was the other bear!" The sheriff replied, "Exactly, but nobody believes a lawyer who says the Czech's in the male."

Two attorneys are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman. The one attorney turns to the other and says, "My god, would I like to screw her!" The other attorney gives him a puzzled look and says, "Out of what?"

An attorney and a bunch of other passengers are on a boat in dangerous waters and the attorney falls overboard. Before anyone can do anything, a giant shark comes swimming up; but when the shark is 6 feet away, it veers off in another direction. One of the passengers says, "Did you see that, did you see what just happened? It's an act of God!" Another passenger answers, "That wasn't an act of God, it was professional courtesy."

Diogenes set about to search for an honest lawyer. After some time, a passer-by asked, "How is your quest going?" "Not too bad," he replied, "I still have my lantern

Bob has a car accident, dies and goes straight to hell. He's given the grand tour by Satan himself, and they pass by a roomful of clocks. Satan says, "You were a pretty good boy, so I'm gonna give you the job of cleaning the clocks." Bob scratches his head and asks, "They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what are they for?" Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn, and use 'em to keep track of their sins - they start off at midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I knew you weren't so bad - your clock over here stopped at 3:30." As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks like. Where's the clock for my attorney, Kirk?" Satan chuckles, "That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."

One day, God was touring Heaven and noticed that the Pearly Gates were terribly scratched and worn. So he asked St. Peter, "What's happened to the Gates?" St. Peter replied, "It's from all the sinners who struggle and grab on when they're told they're going to be cast into the bottomless pit." God said, "If this is the work of sinners, then it's Satan's responsibility. Tell him he has to pay for the repairs!" Back came the reply from Satan, "So sue me!" God read Satan's words, sighed and shrugged. St. Peter said, "What shall we do, Lord?" God replied, "There's nothing we can do. He's got all the lawyers."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. One of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend on the other side." They all agreed that this was appropriate, so the banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income 5-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minster asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."