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Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate
the new bulb.


Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the
bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to
leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.


Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.


Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve
around her.
A. 2. What's a light bulb?


Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
A. 65
-Why 65 ?
I don't know, it's in the contract.


Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?!?
A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
A. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a support group!
A. 7:
1 to change the light bulb.
3 to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards
to the socket.
2 to secretly wish they were the socket.
1 to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
A. 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer
does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.


Q. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how
it's so much more gratifying than a man.
A. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old
bulb.


Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are
they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh


Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.


Q. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about
it.


Q. How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real
bright!


Q. How many Bratslaver Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as
the old one.


Q. How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a
woman.


Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.


Q. How many Satanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Light bulb? He prefers black candles.


Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for one
Jewish mother?
A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good
time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."


Q. How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. What? And wreck my nails?
A. Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to
call Daddy.


Q. How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her
friends about it.


Q. How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. One, but don't expect results.


Q. How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms
nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.


Q. How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the
old bulb last rites.


Q. How many priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, priests can't screw.


Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one not to.
A: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own
light with them.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A: A tree in a golden forest.


Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
A. Zen masters carry their own inner light.


Q. How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the
tambourine, chant, and sing.


Q. How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.


Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!


Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. None, they provide their own illumination.
A. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to
stand on.


Q. How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.


Q. How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Fifty. Everybody takes turns trying to screw it in while the leader
tells them all what rotten bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed
to go to the bathroom during the entire procedure.


Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.


Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.


Q. How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, and thirty natives to see the light.


Q. How many Boulderites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Boulderites don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.


Q. How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.


Q. How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. None, they have a service come in and do that.


Q. How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.


Q. How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.


Q. How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.


Q. How many people about to move out of the city does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A. They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black
anyway.


Q. How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to
drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his
crack pipe while he does it.


Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3.
-Why 3?
IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!!


Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs. They search for the root cause as
to why the last one went out.


Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.


Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want
to change.


Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. How long have you been having this phantasy?
A. How many do *you* think it takes?


Q. How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.


Q: How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?


Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...


Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.


Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor
card first, which is extra.


Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-
0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.


Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light
bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.


Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light
bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.


Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.


Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here?


Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A: Two-fifty
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the
world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of
World Records.
A: One, who'll do it for food.
A: Furrfu!
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out,
wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the
southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually
pretty negligible).


Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the
old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame
the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would
never need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come
running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them
in
and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing,
another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went
out again and start the whole process over again


Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every
once
in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought.
Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out
after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more
dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who
have
brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.


Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened
on
her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the
hardware store to get a new light bulb. Suddenly the door opened
and
there he stood...Silhouetted against the sharp light from the
doorway she could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any
light bulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he
started unzipping his pants...


Q: How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't figured
that out yet.


Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A: One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard.


Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard.


Q: How many Microsoft technical support staff does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.


Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how
to do it.


Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.


Q: How many pygmies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three (height???)


Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.


Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big
project.
A: One, but if he changes it the whole building will fall down.


Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software
problem, dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a
feature.
A: We'll fix it in software.
A: None. They always work in the dark.


Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you
can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then
completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.


Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the
electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.


Q: How many computer science students does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None; they're all too busy hacking.


Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.


Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.


Q: How many disgruntled former postal workers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to
hide under a desk with the new bulb.


Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do
that".


Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
hardware store.


Q: How many sport fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been
*this* big.


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.


Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.


Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Tell me how it goes, big daddy, and I'll try to fake it.
A: Eighteen, one to do it and seventeen in on the guest list.


Q: How many rock guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and 99 to say "Aww, I could've done that".


Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.


Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: Light bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything
you want.


Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to do it three times.


Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the
way Bill Monroe would have done it.


Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40-one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.


Q: How many country musicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Five, one to do it and four to sing about how much they're going
to miss the old one.


Q: How many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb
there, and the other to play harp.


Q: How many sound crewmembers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: ONE CHECK ONE TWO TWO CHECK.
A: I don't do lights, that's the light crew's job.


Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie-
dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.


Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is
blowin' in the wind.


Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting
stustustustustustustustustustuck


Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...


Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten-one to do it and nine to document it.


Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.


Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
it'll be architecturally accurate.


Q: How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses at least three bulbs.


Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light
bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.


Q: How many Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.


Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.


Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.


Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.


Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of
one of their subordinates to actually change it.


Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the
switch.


Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team, and they all get three credits each for it.


Q: How many pro football players does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to recover the fumble.


Q: How many body builders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to do it and five to stand around and say "Man, you've
got such awesome muscles. You're so cut."


Q: How many figure skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to knock the ladder out from under her.


Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Like...hey, WOOOOW, man, it's *dark*!


Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.


Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.


Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.


Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.


Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.


Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Four. One to screw it in and three to write the environmental-
impact statement.


Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb
changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be
continued next week. Meanwhile...


Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and.....


Q: How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to
a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.


Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality
in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


Q: How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the
old one.


Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.


Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old one was.


Q: How many military information officers doed it take to change a
light bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best
interests of military strategy to divulge information of such
a statistical nature. Next question, please.


Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to
establish the state production quota, two hundred militia
to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb,
and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an
American light bulb.


Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey
invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and
one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating
Station.


Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!


Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go
back on.


Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from
jerking.
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.


Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous
bulb.
A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a
lot better.


Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to
sit in the dark.


Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.


Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter; they think that all the available bulbs won't
light up.


Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor


Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.


Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.


Q: How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? What light bulb?


Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.


Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: One, but he's never around when you need him.
A: Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's
over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."


Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.


Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround
the house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.


Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get
around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week.
The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.


Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.


Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.


Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.


Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.


Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the
Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works,
who then
hires his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a
Union
steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in
light bulbs.


Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.