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Another Dirty Limericks Page II

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In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.

At a meeting-hall, George Bernard Shaw
Was proceeding to lay down the law,
When, from somewhere offstage,
Someone hollered in rage,
"Who can sleep, with this damned foo-fa-raw??"

Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats,
Loved romances and sucking on sweets;
Yet one glance from this skirt
Could reduce the poor squirt
To a few inarticulate bleats.

My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She,not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,"You can kiss my posterior!"

There once was a boy named Kevin
Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then eight and then nine,
And though ten was divine,
There will be film at eleven.

There once was a girl from Norway
Who hung from her toes in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
Hey, look at me Joe,
I think I've found one more way!

in the garden of eden lay Adam
gently stroking his madam,
and great was his mirth
for on all of this earth
there were only two balls and he had 'em!

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

There once were two young girls from Birmingham
I knew a wild story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And fucked both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.

There once was a vampire from France
Who couldn't keep it tucked in his pants
He oft whipped it out
With a vampiric shout
And taught poor Louis how to dance.

There once was a man named Piatt,
who's sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.

There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.

Remember that man named Eugeene?
well he built a f*!king machine,
Concave or convex,
It could take any sex,
But man what a mother to clean

There was a lady from Vanvaper
Who wiped her butt with brown paper;
The paper was thin,
Her fingers slipped in,
She no longer used that brown paper.

Jolly St. Nick's good to you and me
Brings to homes many gifts to see.
But a black eye he paid
Because he laid
The wrong doll under the tree.

There Once was a sailor named Brett
The best pisser I ever seen yet
He could Piss in a jar
From the Top Gallant Spar
Nor even get the sails wet.

There once was a man who was not very kind,
he used his penis instead of his mind,
one day he bent over,
and his dog took over,
a gave him a bone from behind.

There once was a man from Peru,
who fell asleep in a canoe,
while dreaming of venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up with a hand full of goo.

There once was a nun with a gun,
Who thought shooting children was fun,
she shot them away,
Day after day,
Until she thought she was done.

There once was a man from Uppingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
Just watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them

There once was a monk from Kerplunks
Whose body was that of a hunk's
The nuns all went woozy
when he stepped into the jacuzzi
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.

There was a young lady from Bude
Who had scenes of old England tattooed
Her Boyfriend, one day
went the whole Penine Way
With Cheddar Gorge still to be viewed

There was a young man from Sheet
Who liked to suck on his feet
He'd like to do Fergie
But her feet had the lergie
Because she'd had the entire fleet

There once was a girl from Decator
who was laid by a big alligator
nobody knew
the results of that screw
'cuz after he laid her, he ate her.

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun
What he should not have done.
And now she's a Mother Superior.