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Another Dirty Limericks Page IV

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A washed up old harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess, in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was screwing a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups!"

There once was a man named Nute
Who poured acid on his root
He got holes, you see
So when he would pee
He'd finger the thing like a flute!

There once was a man from Kent
Who's dick was so long it was bent
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went

There was was a man named Molder
Who attempted to throw a small boulder
Instead he tripped on a rock,
And grasped his own cock,
And threw himself over his shoulder.

There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection,
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastion Bach

The things that occur on the shingle
of the beaches surrounding old Dingle
can only be said
in the bed of the wed
'cause they'd tingle the single to mingle!

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who diddled his wife in a chair
On the thirtyfirst stroke
the furniture broke
and his gun went off in the air.

There once was a butcher from Clack
Who found slicing meat was his knack
Up until the day
He met his "friend" Ray
Now he only takes meat in the back.

There was also a butcher from here
Who's meat slicing method was queer
He would handle the steak
And cream he would make
As he only took meat in the rear.

A wire-winder who caught his wire in his winder,
Wasn't hurt much and said, "Fate couldn't have been much kinder."
Said his wife, Jane,
"You can say that again",
"Just imagine if you caught it in our meat grinder."

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine,
concave and convex,
it fucked either sex
and jerked off itself in between.

A father of 3 boys named J. Dickinson
Found incest to be quite a lot of fun.
Said a friend, "Even though J.",
"May be gay",
"At least his name matches his avocation."

A father of 4 girls named Dickinson
Found incest to be quite a lot of fun.
Said a friend, "Maybe we oughter"
"Nickname him Dickindaughter",
"Then that name will match his avocation."

This is the tale of woe of a small boy named Lou
Sitting in a crowded church with his family, who
Turned to his father, Bart,
And whispered, "Dad, I've got to fart !"
Said Bart, "If you do, you must sit in your own pew."

A young woman from the Land Where the Sun Rises
Had boobs of unequal sizes.
The left one was small
And didn't seem abnormal at all,
But the right one was so huge it won prizes.

There once was a Man named McSweeny
Who spilled some Gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!

He invented a sexual device
and tried the thing out once or twice
but it wasn’t the gong
but rather his prong
that peeled and that didn’t feel nice.

There was a young fellow of Crew
whose tool was so straight and to true
that the Navy when fighting
could use it for sighting
and at full range could sink a canoe.

An observant young man of the west
said "I’ve found out by personal test
that men who make passes
at girls who wear glasses
get just as good sex as the rest".

A harlot did not think it funny
to hear the bad jokes told by Sonny.
"I will not", she said
"have such filth in my bed"
then she cursed and gave him back his money.

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
was asked to display oral art
as the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
and then sank her teeth in the part.

There was a young harlot of Clyde
whose doctor cut open her hide.
He misplaced her stitches
and closed all her niches
she now does her work on the side.

Since her baby came, Miss Snow
won’t diddle, she just hollers "no".
She thinks a fat senator
was it’s likely progenitor
but having laid ten she can’t know.

There was a young lady from Sydney
who could take it right up to her kidney,
but a man from Quebec
put it up to her neck
My, he had a long one, now didn’t he.

As the elevator car left our floor
Big Sue caught her chest in the door.
She yelled a good deal,
but had they been real
she’d have yelled considerably more.

A virgin emerged from her bath
in a state of righteous wrath
for she’d been deflowered
when she bent as she showered
‘cause the handle was right in her path.

Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey
I know that I’m wrinkled and funny,
but get me in bed
with a sack on my head
and I’ll give you a run for your money".

There was a young lady from Channelview
whose boyfriend said "may I explore you?"
She replied to the chap
"I will draw you a map
where the others have been to before you".

There was an old maid of Duloth
who wept when she thought of her youth
and the glorious chanced
she’d missed at school dances
and once in a telephone booth.

There was a young girl from Balmoral
whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
she took three at a time,
one fore, one aft, and one oral.

Said a coed from Duke University
when asked about sexual diversity,
"Screwing’s okay
in the old fashioned way,
but I do like a touch of perversity.

There was a young student named Jones
who reduced all maidens to groans
by his wonderful knowledge
acquired in college
of nineteen erogenous zones.

A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.

A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young
asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
she replied as she stripped,
"That man I married is hung".

Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that protrude".

When Smith caught his tool in some gears
they grafted on skin from his ears
and now the poor guy
can hear through his fly,
but screwing just bores him to tears.

There once was a versatile whore
as expert behind as before
For a buck you could view her
for to you could do her
as she stood on her head on the floor.

There once was a faddist of Devon
who said "I have raped only seven
young women to date,
but soon it’ll be eight
and shortly thereafter eleven".

A young airline stewardess, May,
has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
from New York to Great Britain
it is clear that she’s come a long way.

A horny young sailor named Clark
picked up a slut in a park.
She was ugly and crude
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a spell in the dark.

There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said "Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park".

There was a young fellow named Dice
who remarked "They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four
for the plural of spouse it is spice".

The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court."
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dong was so long he could suck it.
He walked down the street,
Just a swinging his meat.
While he carried he's balls in a bucket.

There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor

A geneticist I'll call Dr. Harold Louth
Crossed a rooster with peanut butter from down south.
His friends did query
"And what did you get, Harry ?"
Said he, "A cock that'll stick to the roof of your mouth".

A new graduate gynecologist named Scott
Found he knew diddly squat
About sex, because he'd never
Been so clever
As to go out on a date that was hot.

There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, "Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too".

There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana (it rhymes with Havana)
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!

There once was a man from Australia
Who had rather large genitalia
he said to his bride,
don't try to hide
'cause wherever you go I can nail ya'

Said Rapunzel, high up in her castle
"This is getting to be quite a hassle -
I've given up hope
Of a prince with a rope
So I'm growing my hair past my astle"

There once was a kingsnake named Elvis
with a less-than-vestigial pelvis
and the bulge in his jeans
came from twin hemipenes
I'm much too embarrassed to tell this.

There was a young girl from Australia
Who painted her arse like a dahlia
The picture was fine
And the colour device
But the scent on the whole was a failure

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
A penny a smell
Was all very well
But two pence a lick was a failure.