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Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Mr. Potato Head...

He's tan. He's cute. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"

Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.

So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"

Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.

She said, well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just don't push any buttons. So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks "wow that felt good, I'll press the red button".So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says "you pushed the green button didn't you?"

He knods.. He said "What happened?" She said "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow"

What is the worst part of a man's body?
His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.

Q-When is a man as smart as a woman
A-When he is plugged in to one.

Q- How come men never sink in water?
A- Shit floats.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. Because there were no women on his side.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.

WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!

WHY ARE MEN LIKE BLENDERS?
YOU NEED ONE BUT NOT SURE WHY!

WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATISFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house

What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.

Q-why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
A-he wasn't concentrating

Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.

What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging

How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!

Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What did God say when he created man?
"I can do better than this".

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

What's the best way to get a man to do sit ups?
put the remont between their toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.

What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.

Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.