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What weighs eight pounds and won't be plucked next Christmas?
John Denver's Guitar.
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?
The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?
The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"
Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.
Why was Phillip's girlfreind dissapointed?
Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.
What's the dofferemce between meat and fish?
If you beat you fish, it'll die.
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
"Chop chop."
this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He saif that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I?
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end youlose your house.
Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?
A sour cream puff...
why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?
'cause he was dead...
why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?
'cause he was dead too...
why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?
peer pressure...
What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!
Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."
This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.
A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."
I've got some employees who have been around here so long they can remember the Dead Sea before it got sick.
A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and says: "Ouch! That hurt". She then touches her elbow which evokes yet another painful response. She then touches her ear and complains that it is sensitive too. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken."
Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Baby viper: I don't like the vipers next door.
Momma Viper: Why?
Baby Viper: They won't let me hiss in thier pit!
Momma Viper: That's alright, I knew them when they did't have a pit to hiss in!
What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
The Elephants foreskin.
I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think chilldren should be having sex.
How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!
If the makers of Star Trek bought the Mir Space Station, they would probably have to rename it Deepshit 9.
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.
Incest. A game the whole family can play.
Sign on a church bulletin board: You aren't too bad to come in, You aren't good enough to stay out.
During the war, people used to say that you needn't worry about the bombs. They would only hit you if they had your name written on them. Which was bad news for my neigbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.
What is the Australian for foreplay?
Brace yourself, Sheila!
And the Welsh?
Are you awake, Gwen?
Visiual joke. Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders. Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
Written on a toilet roll in a public Lavatory : "Sociology Degrees, please take one."
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don't have cancer!"
Roses are redish,
Violets are blueish,
If it wasn't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish.
Once upon a time, when he could do it twice upon a time.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know, I've never looked.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
The flood is over. The Ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on it's deck, not one animal on board. "Bloody Animal Liberation League!" exclaims Noah.
The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."
You look so good you could be on Telivision. You're already blurred.
What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
Daddy.
Drive carefully. 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident.
He who laughs last doesn't get the joke.
Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.
What happened when Jesus went up to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat him up.
(To the tune of 'Yesterday')
Leprocy, bits and pieces falling off of me,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Oh I contracted Leprocy.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
I've use up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I'm late for work because I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop reliving sunday (tight up until the explosion). I was able to exit from the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source by exactly e*log(pi) clocks while simultaneously rapping my dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. This was strange as I don't own a dog. Accordingly I will be late for work, or early.
Patrick was in charge of Bingo at his church. He called the numbers in Latin so the Pritestants wouldn't win.
Over the lips, and down the throat,
mat you never wake uo, next to a goat.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years jour job still stcks.
A husband said to his wife 'Get your coat on love, it's time to ge down the pub'. She replied 'But you NEVER take me out'. 'I'm not,' said the husband, 'but I'm turning the heating off before I go.'
Boss: (too employee) Experts say that humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
You must have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
It was so cold, the town flasher ran up and described himself.
What do you get if you cross an Irish man with a Gernan?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
Two cows in a field. One says to the other 'What do you think about this mad cow desease?' The other one replies 'Blimey! a talking cow!'
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
How do you tell an old man?
It isn't hard.
An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them mounted?' asked the taxidermist. To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just fine.'
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with six inches.
Anatomy is something everybody's got, but sure looks better on a woman.
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
Darling.
Why do women get periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chickens back.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think 'Why did they believe me?'
Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!'
The graduate with a science degree asks 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engenieering degree asks 'How does it do that?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?'
The graduate with the Arts degree asks 'Do you want fries with that?'
'Was your wife a virgin when you married?'
'I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.'
What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?
It's ass.
A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
I'd cross the hottest desert,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd climb the highest mountain,
But I can't come over tonight because it's raining.
Eve to Adam: 'What do you mean the kids don't look like you?'
Are you allowed to kiss a nun?
Yes. But don't get into the habbit.
Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?
What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?
Bingo.
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'I told you he was stupid'
This male prostitute contracted leprosy. He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.
What did the german clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick, tick'?
'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'