not just
Another List of Thoughts

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Things that come around, go around. Things that go around get reallydizzy and fall over.

confusious say don't play leapfrog with a unicorn

Politics is easy to understand if you look at the root words. Poly...meaning 'many,' and Ticks...'little blood suckers'

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

He who dies with the most money, is, nonetheless, still dead.

FACT: "Surfing the Net" will not make you go blind but, sitting on the toilet to long will make your legs go numb.

On a sign saying "Don't feed the animals", underneath was scrawled "because they are dead"

He who hesitates is probably right.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so GOOD.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I'm in shape. Unfornunately it's the shape of an oinion.

"Sposorship from Crosse and Blackwell, plugs for Heinz and Best Western hotels, an 0891 number that costs 50p a call, and an image appeared in my mind of a piece of chef's muslin, squeezing every last bit of cash it could out of television." - Victor Lewis-Smith talking about "Quisine", a Cookery quiz.

You can't build a brewery on a cemetery,

You can build a pub on a church,

And people fall quicker than buildings do,

You have to decide what comes first. - 'Little Blue', by The Beautiful South.

Father of nine: "When the firstborn coughed or sneezed I called an ambulance. When the last one swallowed a dime, I told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes...by then,you're a mile away, and you have his shoes. He'll never catch you then!

"What is this universal infatuation with the internet? If someone had told me, a few years ago, that we'd be looking upon a phone conversation that you had to type as a major innovation I'd have them certified. And don't say 'But you can send pictures as well.' It takes about an hour to download a bloody picture, and half the time the tits are all out of focus ... oops. If I want to send someone a picture I'll use a brand new innovation called a stamp. Maybe I'm just getting old..." - Craig Charles, from his book 'The Log'.

Indian man build small fire, to keep warm,

White man build big fire, to keep warm while collecting logs.

Life is like a book. At the begining when the pages are first opened great things are expected, during time the pages become folded and torn, and by the end of it the story turned out not to be all it should have been. (Most of the time it was also very badly written...)

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

I dont need your attitude I have one of my own.

If Darwin was right you will probably figure it out in a few million years.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. (Winston Churchill)

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

I asked Mum if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology, If it smells, it's chemistry, If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. (Anamaniacs)

Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald. (Irish proverb)

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

The sky is no longer the limit.

If a player is not interfering with play or attempting to gain advantage, then he should be. (Bill Shankly)

Men either get married to a good wife, or become philosophers.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. (Albert Einstein)

Don't be so humble - you're not that great.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." (Steven Wright)

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. (Steven Wright)

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. (Albert Einstein)

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me

If you had a curse on you, open a box of toothpicks and they will fly up and stick in your face.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts. (F.F. Bosworth)

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Albert Einstein)

Success is relative - the more success, the more relatives.

Madness is hereditory - You get it from your children.

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

Notice: The only person getting his work done by friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you many never owe.

Whoever follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd.

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

I'm not as think as you dumb I am.

SMILE! It makes everybody think you know something they don't. (R. Lee)

If at first you don't succeed, give up and stop looking stupid

Live every day as if it were you last. Because one day, you'll be right.

Length of lunch breaks are directly proportional to the size of pay packets.

I'm perfectly balanced. Half man, half lager. (Craig Charles)

Queues only exist when you join them.

I think the greenhouse effect is excellent. For one thing it means my home is getting nearer the beach.

When arguing with a stupid person, make sure he isn't doing the same.

Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving.

For easy scrambled eggs, keep your chickens in a cement mixer.

Who am I? Why am I here? Forget all the questions, someone get me another beer. (Jim Stienman)

We have the technology to send men to the moon, build cars that travel at the speed of sound and create computers that fit in the palm of your hand, yet STILL we haven't been able to create a convincing wig.

Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it.

Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.

The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess."

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people. (G. K. Chesterton)

A stitch in time saves embarrasing exposure.

Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you.When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

I'm a firm believer, if the other side scores first, you have to score two to win. (Howard Wilkinson)

Theatre is full of old people... And thier parents. (Jim Stienman)

I really shouldn't hope that Richard Branson's balloon gets a puncture, but for some reason I do.

I would do anything for my art. I don't know if I would kill someone, but I would consider it. I can be like a savage motherwolf protecting a cub when it comes to a song. (Jim Stienman)

I wonder how many people would actually stay at my funeral if they propped me up in my coffin, opened my eyes and turnedmy head toward the people attending.

Women should be obscene and not heard. (John Lennon)

The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just one consenting adult.

He has a face that convinces you that God is a cartoonist. (Woody Allen)

The truth is out there. So's a lot of other smeg.

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. Unless you've been dehydrating it for a couple of weeks beforehand.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless the bird in the hand is a common sparrow, and the two in the bush happen to be two live Dodo's.

Danm my spel cheker

I'd like to think something here was relevent. Probably not.

I've got a gut feeling in my stomach... (Alan Sugar)

I've been sitting here for 25 years. And I ain't moved since.

You can't run away forever, but there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. (Jim Stienman)

You mean it should of had brakes?

If at first you don't succeed, read the instructions.

If a jobs worth doing, it's worth paying someone else to do it for you.

I'm not bitter. Just twisted.

He's worse than the rain in Manchester. At least the rain in Manchester stops occasionally. (Bill Shankly on Brian Clough)

Sorry, I couldn't hear you for the fish.

It's now 1 - 1. An exact reversal of the scoreline last satarday.

For a better result, read this page blindfolded

Red sky at night, Shepherds house is on fire.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nevous and get the wrong answers. (Fry and Laurie)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegatarian because I hate plants. (A. Whitney Brown)

Son, you could start a riot in a graveyard.

Many people think that they're thinking whent they are merely re-arranging thier prejudices. (William James)

Sorry, but my Karma just ran over your dogma.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow. But phonecalls taper off. (Johnny Carson)

Some people think that football is a matter of life and death. I am very dissapointed with this attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that. (Bill Shankly)

If you are first you are first, if you are second you are nothing. (Bill Shankly)

To me boxing is like ballet. Except theres no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.

When I die, say this of me... I'll be back to get you!

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

One plus one is two. except for very large values of one.

How could you be so self centered? Especially when we are supposed to be talking about me.