A dude walked into a bar and told the bartender "Set 'em up for the house, I'm the luckiest guy in the world." After the bartender set them up some guy asked him how he figured he was the luckiest man in the world. He said "Did you hear about that plane crash last week with 178 dead and one survivor?" Every one nodded they had and he said "I was the survivor." Another guy said "I survived better odds than that. In the war my ship was sunk by a torpedo and 689 men died and I was the only survivor." The drunk in the corner said "I'm luckier than all you SOB's. The other night I was screwing my neighbor's wife and he hit me right in the ass with a baseball bat." Somebody asked "What's so lucky about that?" He said "If he had gotten there a minute sooner he would have hit me in the back of the head!"

A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of gas hoping to make out. She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it. He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there. There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that. Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"

Two golfers kept having to wait at each tee for two ladies to clear the hole before they could tee off. The ladies seemed more interested in shooting the shit than shooting golf. After several holes, one guy got up his nerve and said he was going up there to ask for permission to play through. He walked about 100 yards then turned around and came back. The other guy asked "What's wrong?" He said "I can't go up there. That's my wife and my girlfriend." The other guy said he'd go ask to play through then. He too got to where he could see them and came back. He said "Small world, aint it?"

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.

Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"

The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"

"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"

Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

The next day he calls the vet again and asks how does he know when pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him they'd be laying down, rolling in the mud. When he looks at the window, none of them are rolling in the mud. So, he loads them up again, drives to the woods and fucks them all again.

Next morning, to his dismay, they are all standing. So, again he loads them up, drives to the woods and fucks them all again. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to look out the window and tell him what the pigs are doing.

She says, "Hmm, that's weird, they're all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."

Markham says, "Gimme the money. I got an idea." He does into a deli and buys a hot dog and says, "Come on. Let's go to the bar."

When they get to the bar, Markham pulls down Woods' zipper, sticks in the hot dog and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it.

Then he says, "Follow me," and they walk into the bar. He orders two zombies, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, "Pay up," Markham drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!"

Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Markham says, "Hey, that was a great idea, wasn't it? We got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore."

Woods says, "You can't take it anymore? What about me? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."