Jokes - Dirty Jokes Archive Two
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At a medical convention a male and female doctor start eyeing each other up. The male doctor asks her to diner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go to wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things start to get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has got to go and wash her hands. Once she gets back they go for it. After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. After she comes back the male doctor says "I bet your a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he new "Easy he says your always washing your hands." She then says "I bet your a anesthesiologist." The male doctor replies "How did you guess?" I didn't feel a thing." she replies.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies," I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
- This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the
doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism
goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - that's why I am here!"
- This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys
hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two
fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really
starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand
in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand
in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of
me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your
hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The
girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight
pussy!".
- A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on
a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master
makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis
outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your
head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me
too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
- A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile,
I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied,
"How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and
all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist
and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was
a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
- On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open
your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My
picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty
next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
- John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first
office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly
300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big
hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the
therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the
attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people
who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He
then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of
hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a
month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group
several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this
huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised
his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a
year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting
sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s
the night!"
- Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they
have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right
wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand
job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the
same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
- A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local
wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied
he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a
piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it
without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good
piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this
one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
- A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,
but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign
language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
- One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
- One day a kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the
definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the students
have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a
sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is
definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely
correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
- Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones
went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
- The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and
during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
- A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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