Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not
paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them
with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a
shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a
shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women
that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone,
one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well,
uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run
away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect
at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no
arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in
bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford
it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to
go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That
night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then
she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest
daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter
replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should
scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why
were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled
you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest
daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should
never talk with my mouth full."
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off
the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten
Island Ferry.'
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy,
and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son,
that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The
mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says
"Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching
television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a
pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he
quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a
marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is
a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking
about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled
by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay
with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go,
gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she
asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good
girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with
me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney
with my dick this way!"
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and
they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom,
"Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded,
"They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having
sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again
replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little
boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you
must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her
mouth!!!"
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges
his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She
replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and
you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the
husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You
don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to
push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh!
Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I
heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a
try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the
baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white
body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were
pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will
be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has
black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men
were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps
the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and
asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes,
white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad
it didn't bark!"
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he
gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to
the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and
begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the
next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a
pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed.
"Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home
his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell
have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few
drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let
me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery
hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go
to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her
boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says
ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy
looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the
steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied
that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He
replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for
help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the
clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help
us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far
in."
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the
living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he
says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job
there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to
you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down,
with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you
going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see
how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny,
can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your
grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her
grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks,
could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure,
just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap.
"Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the
grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no
hands!"
One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see
that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it." The dad
replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but
says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the
movies." The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then
Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As
soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like
shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to
the movies too."
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just
before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In
steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re
the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and
replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm
Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the
man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259
lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked
relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said
‘Turn Around’.”
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he
spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door
way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking
off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says
"What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house
says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's
telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck
herself!"
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her
boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited.
When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with
only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says
smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to
your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her,
"My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I
guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend
replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every
time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy
bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of
five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the
notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as
cheap as you are."