Jokes - Dirty Jokes Archive Five
Dirty Jokes Archive Five
- One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink or
two and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come,
too.
"I can't," the man said, " my wife would kill me."
After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers.
"I know" he thinks to himself and crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is satisfied.
"That should do it," he thinks and walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet.
"What are you doing in here?" he impatiently screams.
"SSShhhhhh!" she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!!
- One evening, little Johnny, was with his mother in the bath. He
pointed at his mother's breasts, and asked what it was. She told him
that it's balloons, and when someone will try to blow it up, she will go
in the air, straight to heaven.
About two days later, Johnny ran into the kitchen and screams, "Mother, mother, come and look. My sister is bout to die." Why, asked his mother. "Because her boyfriend is on top of her, blowing her balloons, and she's screaming-Oh God, I'm coming."
- A man walks into a bar and sits next to a gay guy. The man says,
"I like football. I'm a football player." The gay guy says,
"Really. I like fartball." "What's fartball?" the
football player asks. "Well, I'll demonstrate. Bartender!" The
bartender slides him two beers, and he chugs both at the same time.
"That was the touchdown." He farts. "That was the extra
point. I have 7 points." The football player says, "Okay, my
turn. Bartender!" He easily chugs the two beers and prepares for
the extra point. As he does so, the gay guy gets behind him, and with a
thrusting motion he says, "Block that kick! Block that kick!"
- A man goes into the doctors office, complaining about his severe
stutter. The doctor examines him and comes to the conclusion that the
man's cock was too long, and he suggested that he have an operation to
shorten it. The man had the operation and went home, stutter-less! A
week or two went by, and the man came back to the doctors office, he
said "Thank you Doctor, my stutter is now completely gone, but my
wife does not like my new size. Is it possible to put that little piece
back on, even if I do get the stutter back." The doctor looked at
him funny for a while and finally said "n-n-n-no f-f-f-fuck-k-k-k-ing
c-c-c-c-h-h-ance!!!"
- Did you hear about the four year old girl who happened to walk into
her parents room while they were going at it? Mommy is on daddy and
they're banging away. The girl gets scared and runs back into her room
and starts crying. Mommy hears all of the commotion and goes into the
girl's room to see what is going on. "Mommy, Mommy, you're hurting
daddy! Don't do it! I don't want you to hurt him!" she cries.
Mommy, scrambling to cover up the truth comes up with "No, honey,
I'm not hurting daddy. You see, he's getting a pretty big belly and I'm
just pushing it back in for him." After maybe a half second of
thought, the girl cries "Mommy, Mommy, that won't work. Because
every Wednesday the maid comes in and blows it back up for him
again."
- One sperm cell was talking to another rather excitedly. "Man,
we've got to find a way out of here, " says the first one,
"Why? What's the matter?", says the second one. "They
think we're all crazy, man," says the first. "What makes you
think that?", says the second. "Because they've detained us in
a rubber room!"
- An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!"
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your of sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?"
- A teacher asked her young charges about lit light bulbs. She asked if they had any advice for using a lit light bulb safely.
A little boy raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, "Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth."
The teacher said, "That is very good advice. Where did you learn that?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night I heard my mom say to my dad, 'Turn the light out before you put that thing in my mouth!'"
- A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is a soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
- A man's wife is not feeling good. She goes to doctor after doctor and nobody knows what is wrong with her. Finally, they go to this one doctor who says to her, "I know exactly
what's wrong with you" and tells her to have sex three times a week.
The lady was so happy - she could not believe that was the problem. She tells the doctor that her husband is in the waiting room - "Could you please tell my husband what you just told me!"
Sure, and he calls him in and the doctor tells him,
"I know what's wrong with you wife. She must have sex three times a week."
The husband: "What days do you recommend."
"Monday, Wednesday and Friday," responds the doctor.
"Put me down for Wednesday," says the husband.
- A man is sitting at a bar and says to the bar tender, "I'm horny, do you know where I could get some good lovin'?"
The bar tender replies, "Sure upstairs, two doors on the right."
So the man walks up to the second door on the right and in the middle of the room stood a beautiful hooker. He asked her, "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker answered, "$25!"
He said in astonishment, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"
The hooker said, "Look outside: see that apartment, I bought that with all of the hand jobs I have given."
The man paid and got a hand job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a blow job?"
The hooker answered, "$50!"
The man again replied, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"
The hooker stood up and said, "Look outside: see that car, I bought that with all of the blow jobs I have given."
So the man again paid and got his blow job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a little pussy?"
The hooker stood up once again looking outside and said, "Look outside: see that city, I would own all of that if I HAD a pussy!"
- John and Karen thought the only way to pull off a Saturday afternoon quickie was to send their son on the porch and report the daily activities.
The son said, "A red car went down the street... someone got their newspaper... and it looks like the Anderson's are screwing."
Startled John and Karen shot up in bed. His father said, "Why do you say that?"
"Becky is on their porch reporting activities too," he replied.
- A southern bell goes to New York on vacation. Upon her return she has tea with friends.
"Did you know that in New York city there are guys that go
out with other guys?" she tells them.
"What are they called?"
"They are called homosexuals! And, did you know that, in New
York City, there are girls that go out with other girls?"
"And what are they called?"
"They are called lesbians. And in New York City they have GUYS that will kiss you down there!"
"And what do they call them!" her friends replied.
"I don't know I just called him precious!"
- A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"
The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance.
"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.
The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!"
- An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the two than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest.
It read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do 'sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
- A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
- A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.
He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!
The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"
The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"
- A married couple on the farm are visited by an alien couple. The alien couple asked the human couple if they would like to swap partners for sex.
They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"
The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"
So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.
When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.
He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"
- An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you 20 dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough and, $500 IS a lot of money! "Well, OK, but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD... where am I ever going to get $500?"
- A girl is having sex for the first time. Her mother says to her, "If you have any questions come down and ask me."
The girl then goes upstairs and finds the guy taking off his shirt. She runs downstairs and yells, "Mom he has hair on his chest!"
The mother says "That is just a manly sign."
So the girl goes back upstairs to find the guy taking off his pants. She runs downstairs and yells, "Mom, he has hair on his legs!"
The mother says, "Oh, that is just a manly sign."
So the girl goes back and finds him taking off his socks. She counts five toes on one foot and three toes on the other.
She runs downstairs yelling, "Mom. he has a foot and a half!"
The mother says, "Move over this is a job for Momma!"
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