There was a man named Molder Who attempted to throw a small boulder But he tripped on a rock, And grasped his own cock, And threw himself over his shoulder A washed up old harlot named Tupps, Was heard to confess, in her cups: "The height of my folly Was screwing a collie, But I got a good price for the pups!" There was a man named Nute Who poured acid onto his root He got holes, you see So when he would pee He'd finger the thing like a flute! There once was a man from Iraq Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection, He could play a selection From Johan Sebastian Bach There once was a man from Eau Claire Who diddled his wife with a chair On the thirty-first stoke The furniture broke And his gun went off in the air There once was a butcher from Clack Who found slicing meat was his knack Up 'til the day He met his "friend" Ray Know he only takes meat in the back There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a fucking machine, Concave and convex, It fucked either sex And jerked off itself in-between There once was a man named McSweeney Who spilled some Gin on his weenie Just to be Couth He added Vermouth And slipped his chick a Martini! He invented a sexual device And tried the thing once or twice But it wasn't the gong But rather his prong That peeled and that didn't feel nice There was a young fellow of Crew Whose tool was so straight and true That the Navy when fighting Could use it for sighting And at full range could sink a canoe An observant young man of the west Said "I've found out by personal test That men who make passes At girls who where glasses Get just as good sex as the rest" A harlot did not think it funny To hear the bad jokes told by Sonny "I will not", she said "Have such filth in my bed" Then cursed and gave back his money A toothsome young starlet named Smart Was asked to display oral art As the price for a role She compiled, met his goal And then sank her teeth in the part There was a young harlot of Clyde Whose doctor cut open her hide He misplaced her stitches And closed all her niches She now does her work on the side As the elevator car left our floor Big Sue caught her chest in the door She yelled a good deal, But had they been real She'd have yelled considerably more A virgin emerged from her bath In a state of righteous wrath For she'd been deflowered When she bent as she showered 'Cause the handle was right in her path There was a young lady from Channelview Whose boyfriend said "may I expose you?" She replied to the chap "I will draw you a map Where the others have been to before you" There was a young girl from Balmoral Whose habits where highly immoral For the price of a dime She took three at a time One fore, one aft, and one anal Said a coed from Duke University When asked about sexual diversity, "Screwing's okay In the old fashioned way, But I do like a touch of perversity" There was a young student named Jones Who reduced all maidens to groans By his wonderful knowledge Acquired in college Of nineteen erogenous zones