These jokes are not always suitable for children.

• There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
  
  
• Did you hear about the man who drowned while eating a bowl of muesli? - He was dragged under by a strong currant.
  
• A woman goes to a seance.
  "Is there anybody there?" asks the medium, and a small voice replies "Yes".
  "Is that you, Bert?" asks the woman. "Yes" he replies.
  "Are you alright?". "Lovely!" the voice replies.
  "What's it like where you are?" asks the wife.
  "It's great," he replies, "today I went swimming and did a bit of fishing".
  "Oh," said his widow, "you never did any of that while you were alive".
  "No," the voice says "well, I'm a duck now."
  
  
• What's black and screams? - Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
  
  
• What's big and grey and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A castle.
  
  
• The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. So the President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. First, the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Next, the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the entire forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Finally, the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
  
  
• What's got hazelnuts in every bite? Squirrel poo.
  
  
• What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? - A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
  
  

• Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not very bright but it's cheap and it spreads easy.
  
  
• This woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one.
  
  
• Three blondes are out for a walk when they come across a set of tracks in the ground. The first blonde says "Those are deer tracks". The second blonde says "No, those are fox tracks". The third blonde says "No, those are quite clearly badger tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit them.
  
  
• How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? - Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a final unexpected twist.
  
  
• A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken's lying back smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg however is sitting up with a frown on it's face and looking a tad put out. "Well," mutters the egg, "I guess we answered that question".
  
  
• What's brown and sticky? - A stick.
  
  
• What's green but turns red at the flick of a switch? - A frog in a blender.
  
  
• What did Kermit say when he got to the top of the hill? - "A Muppet"
• A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help. The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him". The woman agrees to the plan.
  
  So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our saviour?" then nods to Mrs Jones. She pokes her husband, and he wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!". The priest, pretending to be impressed, says, "Very good!". A full three minutes later, Mr Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices, and asks, "What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Mrs Jones again. She pokes her husband, who screams, "GOD!" at the top of his lungs. The priest again congratulates Mr Jones on his alertness and continues with the sermon. However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs Jones mistakes for a poking signal. The priest then says, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?" the priest nods. The mistaken Mrs Jones pokes her husband, and he shouts, "If you poke that thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!".

• A bus load of nuns arrives in heaven. St Peter asks them to form a queue and then he turns to the first nun and asks, "Have you ever touched a man's private parts?". The first nun says very quietly, "Yes, once with my finger." St Peter thinks for a moment and then says "Ok, dip your finger in the holy water and then you can go in." So the nun dips her finger in the holy water and in she goes. St Peter then turns to the second nun in the queue and asks the same question, to which he receives the reply "Yes, with my hand." St Peter thinks for a moment and then says "Ok, dip your hand in the holy water and then you can go in". Just then the third and fourth nuns swap places in the queue. "What's going on?" asks St Peter, "Why did you just swap places?". "Well," says the third nun, "I just thought, if I'm going to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in the water."