JACK DOCHERTY SHOW - 1997
Jack: My next guest has EVERYTHING: looks, money, hair and a great singing voice. That's only four things, but that is basically everything you need. As well as representing Britain in Eurovision, he's walked the boards for Andrew Lloyd Webber and the plank in Pirates of Penzance. Eight out of ten husbands said their wives preferred him. Please give a spicy welcome for a man who's possibly visited Mexico. It's Mister Michael Ball!
Michael: I want to do some of my chants that I know, some of my Football chants.
Jack: You know some football chants? Who do you support?
Michael: Erm Hamilton Academica! (laughs) I actually don't support football, I'm not a football fan.
Jack: Alright, your favourite chant, go on, sing it.
Michael: (sings)
My Old Man's A Tottenham Fan .. .
Jack:
Yeah actually I know that one! And that can be all bleeped out!
Michael: Yeah! (laughs) and there's another one: We had joy we had fun, we had Chelsea on the run, but the joy did not last, 'cause their bastards ran too fast
Jack: Oh my God!
Michael: Bastard is allowed on Channel 5.
Jack: Bastard is allowed, Michael Ball said b*stard! We'll try and get it in the press. If only you'd finished the first chant, we would've gone to the press!
Michael: Yeah! (laughs)
Jack: Because Andrew Lloyd Webber don't write songs like that, does he? Tim Rice has never written those lyrics.
Michael:
He has, but he's never allowed to get them on stage.
Jack: At the parties afterwards. ARE you the nicest man in showbusiness? Because that's what people say.
Michael: Absolutely! (laughs) yes, of course I am, Jack! As you no doubt will find out, I'm sure! Is that what they say now?
Jack: With your cheeky grin and your cuddly hair and your boyish charm and all that
Michael: Well so are you!
Jack: No, no, no I'm a terrible old b*stard, but YOU
Michael: HE said it now!!
Jack: But do you have vices? Do you show tantrums? Because you're in a position now, you're a big star, you can have a tantrum if you want to.
Michael: Oh yeah!
Jack: Oh you do?
Michael: Oh yeah!!
Jack: What kind of scale? What sort of thing are we talking about?
Michael: Well, sometimes I say b*stard on television and not even care!
Jack: That's as bad as it gets!
Michael: No I don't. I never need to. People are nice to me.
Jack: All the time? Nothing bad's ever happened to you? What's the worst thing that's happened to you?
Michael: Worst thing that's happened to me? Um .. (in a strange voice) do you want a theatrical anecdote?
Jack: If you've got any, love! Just chuck 'em out!
Michael: It kind of has to do with football as well. This time last year I was doing Passion. And it was the time of the European Championship. And it was the big match. England versus Germany. We were doing a show, there were about 12 people in the audience, everybody's at home watching the thing. And at the beginning of the show there's like, this bonking scene a quite salty scene. And we used to have people sneaking in with cameras and stuff
Jack:
David Mellor
Michael: (laughs) No, he was in this actually! So we're out there, we're doing the business on the bed and I look out and you can just sort of see the audience. And I saw this red light, and I thought 'here we go, someone's video taping it'.
Jack: It's illegal!
Michael: It is. I'm the only one who has that video. I think it's number 3 in the Danish porn charts. So I sent the stage-manager out to go and get them. He came back and said 'we can't find them'. I said "well they're there, 6 rows back, green shirt, they're there, I can see the red light". He went out and came back, killing himself laughing. He said "well it's not a video. It's a little old lady with her radio, listening to the match and whispering the score" and we came to the end of the show it's a very serious, heavy show. And this rather ugly woman says to me: "you do love me don't you?" and I go: "yes, I love you". And as I said it, Southgate missed the penalty and she goes "OH BOLLOCKS!!!!!!" (laughter) so that didn't help! Just when you think you really caught them
Jack: Listen, Andrew Lloyd Webber, you're known and associated with Andrew, you've done a lot of Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff. But have you an interest in ever doing a musical? (laughter)
Michael: (laughs)
Jack: It's such a cheap shot, but I do love making it. Andrew Lloyd Webber, does he because this guy basically controls the Musical Theatre.
Michael: Oh and the world.
Jack: And presumably you have to like him does he ever play you a song and you think: "oh, that's not much cop and you think
Michael: Ofcourse you couldn't say it!
Jack: But have you THOUGHT it? Assuming he's not watching.
Michael: No Andrew! No! I think you're Marvellous! (laughs) there is one incident, I'm actually probably going to get sued for this, but I don't care. Um, he was just writing Sunset Boulevard and he was doing it down at his ... house in the country, you know he puts on his shows at what's the name of the place he lives in .
Jack: Big posh Manor.
Michael: Big posh Manor. And I don't read music, so I have to learn by ear. And so the guy's sitting down and playing the beginning of Sunset Boulevard to me which goes (singing) "Sure I came out here to make my name, wanted my pool my dose of fame wanted my parking space at Warner's". And he's playing the notes 'da dadada da dadada da' and he goes: "do you like it?" and I said: "well I always have ." (singing) "She may be the beauty or the beast, may be the famine or the feast" but they're only 8 notes so . I am going to get killed for that!
Jack: So it's all true!
Michael: But there only 8 notes and then it goes very different.
Jack: But that's something else as well, isn't it?
Michael: Yes probably.
(They 'sing' together. "God Save The Queen, Fascist Regime' by the Sex Pistols)
Jack:
You're losing your fans! Michael Ball, you can't sing the Sex Pistols!
Your fans, referring to them there. Are they kind of obsessive, like
Sir Cliff's, are they kind of camped outside your house
oh dear
(Michael fans in audience scream and wave)
Michael: God bless them!!
Jack: Do they just follow you around in a pack wherever you go?
Michael: We have a really good laugh, a really good laugh. No, they'll all agree they're at most things that I do and it's nice to see them - it's nice to have friendly faces out there.
Jack: And do people throw things at you?
Michael: Yes, I've had the odd knicker . a bottle of wine - empty, and I get cards and lots of flowers.
Jack:
Because I got security to search this lot on the way in. Because
I don't want the interview ruined by things being thrown at you.
So I had a knicker - amnesty, Michael, and look: (he brings out a window-figures
leg with underwear and hands it to Michael) look what I got.
Look at that!
Michael: I didn't even know my mother was in! They're gorgeous.
Jack: She said "can you help me because I'm not strong enough to lob it at you"
Michael: That's lovely.
Jack: It's a little present for you, to take home. Now, Michael
(Michael starts doing a cabaret-dance with his now three legs, singing a Rolf Harris song)
Jack: There we go we remember Rolf Harris
Michael: Where is he now
Jack: (referring to the leg) Well at least it is a single!
Michael:
What am I doing with this
(starts stroking the leg)
Jack: It's a present! What you're doing with it, you take it home with you. You take it home with you on the tube, Michael. Like you use the tube.
Michael: I do! Did last night.
Jack: Did you?
Michael: Yeah. Well Hammersmith Bridge is closed, so I have to use it.
Jack: Don't tell people where you live.
Michael: Everyone knows.
Jack: Listen, you CAN'T come on our show without singing. And everyone will go 'hurray, Michael!'
(Audience screams) but hang on, he ain't gonna sing much . for 75 quid.
Michael: (laughs) I'm getting paid!?!?
(Michael sings a few lines, James Brown-style. And then leaves, WITH the leg ofcourse!)
