Meet the foster family

The McInneses

A few days after I arrived in Amersham back in October, I was introduced to a local family - the McInneses - who my brother had got to know. Little did they realise that they were about to adopt another Australian..... Since that time they have become a second family to me - I have spent countless hours watching their television, eating their food (anyone for a cup of tea?) and running around their back garden playing cricket, gardening and chasing squirrels. They even let me stay with them for six weeks when a family of four moved into my brother's spare bed.

In return for their kind hospitality I have taught them how to cross the road with dignity, as well as many fine Australianisms, such as "sensational", "square-root of bugger all", "love your work", "you've got to be happy about that" and "we don't do that here". I've even had the honour of naming their guinea pig, which they now call "the beady-eyed woofter", although I am yet to get their permission for the freeze-and-resuscitate experiment I have planned for "Beady".

	Duncan McInnes. Works at the local nuclear power plant... doh, I'm confusing him with someone else. Actually travels all the way to Kent and back each day, usually coming home to find a stray Antipode in his back garden or stealing part of the family's dinner. Drinks Australian wines out of politeness, even when some idiot leaves them on the boiler and heats them to 50 degrees.
	Gwenda McInnes. Very experienced foster mother who has taught me everything I know about gardening ("Sorry, I thought it was a weed"). Never raises her voice, and doesn't seem to mind when I drop in at 10.30pm on a Sunday night for dinner. Likes frogs, Home & Away, Neighbours, and stopping me from killing Beady. Be ashamed Mrs McInnes.
	Neil McInnes (23). Student and car owner ("Neil, I need a lift "). Responsible for taking me to the pub and supervising my gardening. Shares my enthusiasm for bacon and is a key member of the famous McInnes/Reading washing-up team. Hopes to escape to Germany for a few months in July to get some work done, but I just might follow him.....
	Alasdair McInnes (14). My opponent in backyard Ashes Test matches (currently 63 all), and cooks a very good English breakfast. Refused to believe that the twigs I collected from the back garden were baby stick insects but still naive enough to think I can play tennis.
	Philippa McInnes (20). Student at York University where they use a unique 25-letter alphabet without the letter "t". If you're in Amersham during University holidays, drop into the sandwich shop and ask Philippa to make you a raw prawn sandwich.
	Josie the dog. The equivalent of Santa's Little Helper (even part greyhound). Shares my hobby of chasing squirrels, but I draw the line at eating dog biscuits.