Bob's Wasp Page

 

During my frequent surfing of the internet I have noticed time and time again the glaring lack of any information on how to kill wasps in a fun way. To rectify this oversight I have set out to create the authoritative wasp-killing site.

Here at Chateau Bob we have recently been invaded by wasps, who seem intent on sharing our home. They have set up house in our roof, using a knot hole under the eaves as their entrance. Fortunately (for us, not them) we can reach this hole from our bathroom window, so we have been having a bit of fun at their expense while trying to give them the impression that they're not really welcome here.

The first thought when trying to get rid of wasps is usually to fight fire with fire (it's not our fault that wasps haven't discovered fire yet), but don't be tempted - this would solve the problem too quickly and the fun would only last for a second or so. You might also set fire to your house, which would be a shame, wouldn't it. We prefer the satisfaction of hand-to-sting combat; taking on the enemy one by one, thereby stretching the fun out over a number of weeks.

I have decided to share my methods with you, so read on if you would like to learn how to get rid of wasps The Fun Way. Impress women, make new friends, keep fit !! Once you have mastered the art you will have hours of entertainment for you and your family the next time wasps invade your place.

Of course you could always call in a professional, but why should they have all the fun?

   

IDENTIFICATION

Before you can start punishing your new house guests you need to be sure who you're dealing with. There are two main species of wasp to look out for - the common wasp and its more aggressive (hence more dangerous) cousin, the european wasp. If you are particularly stupid, enjoy pain or just have a general death wish, then the european wasp is the one to go for.

My technique will work fine with either species. All you need to be able to do is tell the difference between a dead wasp and a very much alive wasp, as the dead ones tend to sting less. So if you're sure you're dealing with wasps and not bees, butterflies or small birds, read on. If you're not certain you can identify a wasp, try this quick test:

 

Wasp	Butterfly	Astronaut

 If you're not sure, kill it anyway.

PREPARATION

Once you have identified your new house guests as wasps, you need to arm yourself with the right tools for the job of sending them to kingdom come while at the same time entertaining you and your friends. The following items are essential for the safe and enjoyable destruction of wasps:

o	1. A beanie (bobble hat) to protect the head. 2. Air freshener (citrus). 3. A folded-up newspaper. 4. A pair of leather gloves (sting resistant). 5. An empty soft-drink bottle, with airholes. 6. A jar of marmalade.

TECHNIQUE

Okay, you've got the right gear now - but how do you use it?

Well you can probably make an educated guess about some of the items. The beanie is to protect the head from wasp stings - remember, wasps are attracted to dark colours, so if you want to be stung in the head wear a nice dark beanie. Gloves are also a must as they allow you to handle the enemy directly.

Once you've donned your protective equipment you're ready to start whacking wasps. To do this we use the folded-up newspaper. This is one of the few times when a tabloid newspaper actually comes in handy. If you put a stick inside the nest or give it a few knocks the wasps should come pouring out. Alternatively, wait until dusk, when they start to return home from a day out in the fields. Wasps should be whacked one at a time, either in mid-air or more effectively when they settle on an object.

We find it necessary to use a spray sometimes when the swarm gets a little out of hand. We tried hair-spray and deodorant before settling on air freshener. A quick spray and they disperse for a few seconds, and by using a citrus scented spray you can attract wasps which would otherwise be scared away. Remember, under the Geneva Convention (1947), section 227iv (Chemical Warfare) the use of insecticide is strictly forbidden. A liberal application of marmalade around the entrance to the nest also helps to attract wasps to their death courtesy of your newspaper-whacker.

The average wasp nest contains 500 adult wasps, so by swatting them one by one you can guarantee weeks of entertainment for the whole family.

STORAGE

You thought I'd forgotten about the soft-drink bottle, didn't you. Well I haven't.

Like me, many people these days live in apartments or rented accommodation which makes it impossible to keep pets. But what about wasps? They don't need food or water, don't drink from the toilet when your back's turned, and make a pleasant buzzing noise when shaken.

We have discovered that the best way to keep wasps is inside a plastic soft-drink bottle. In wasp-whacking circles this is known as a harbottle, from the town of Harbottle, Northants, where wasp-whacking originated in the 16th century. The easiest way to collect wasps in your harbottle is to stick the neck of the bottle through the opening to the nest. When you've got four or five angry wasps in the harbottle, quickly withdraw and put the cap on. Your angry, buzzing pet wasps will last for hours inside the bottle, even longer if you use a pin to put air-holes in the side. But be careful not to give them names, as you don't want to get too attached to the little buggers.