ROY KEANE ARRESTED  MORE ON TODAYS TOP SENSATIONAL STORY... INTERVIEW WITH  Roy Keane  CHARGE  Assault and drunk and disorderly&ldots; CRIME REPORT&ldots; We were called to the scene, Smugtwats Wine Bar in Manchester at around 11:35pm, on Monday the 17^{th} May&ldots; We arrived to see a security officer with Mr. Keane pinned on the floor with one hand, quietly sipping a cup of coffee in the other with Mr. Keane writhing in vain to escape his clutches. There was a Mr. Cole and a Mr. Giggs present, and 2 small, timid, defenceless, pregnant, disabled women, 1 covered in Guiness, the other with a nasty gash and a cut on her thigh, which was bleeding profusely&ldots; We arrested the accused, and left the bar. As we were leaving, tempers were high and heard quick footsteps behind us and we heard a whooshing sound, that of a punch being thrown behind our heads and turned to find Mr. Cole in a heap on the floor. Anyway, we ignored this, and took Mr. Keane to Manchester Piccadilly Police station where he was interviewed along with his lawyer, Mr. Alex Ferguson from the famous Scottish law firm, Moaning, Bleating, Wining and Whinging PLC&ldots; Further to this, at 00:05am there was a disturbance in the cell area. Officiers had to be called to restrain a Mr. Schmiechel who was trying to enter the cell where Mr. Keane was being held. Officers overheard the following conversation...
PS  Psst Roy, have these.
Fit it in your tooth. Dont tell them anything, and if they get rough
bite on it. I got them from my old mates&ldots; They're ace&ldots;
PS  Nein, its a cyanide pill&ldots; INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT&ldots; PCW  Interview begins 0100 hours on Tuesday 18^{th} May&ldots; People present Mr. Roy Keane, Mr. Alex Ferguson, PC World and PC Monitor&ldots; Ok, Mr. Keane, what have you got to say for yourself...? RK [Shouting]  F*** Off, P*** C**** B****&ldots; [Cut short by AF] AF  He didn't do it&ldots; PCW  We're dropping the disorderly charge, we've seen him play, that was normal behaviour... but the assualt charge has to be answered&ldots; but how did you know he didn't do it, Sir, you weren't actually there were you&ldots;? AF  Er&ldots; Well, I was there, but I was just er&ldots; over the other side of the bar in the corner&ldots; PCW  So why have you got your pyjamas on then&ldots;? AF  Er, because, it’s all the rage with these youngsters these days, you know, these clubbers, do you like them&ldots;? they're Versace, I got them thrown in free with some suits we bought, they only cost £100,000&ldots; PCW  Mmmm&ldots;? Anyway let's press on, what are your comments on the incident&ldots;? RK  Er.... F**** Off, B****** W***** C***&ldots; [Cut short again] AF  Look, I'm sorry, he doesnt know any other words&ldots; he didn't do it, it's a setup, he wasn't even there&ldots; Ask Giggsy, he saw it all&ldots; PCM  [taking notes] Giggs, we may try and get in touch with this Giggs, how do you spell that, G  I  I  G  G  S&ldots;? AF  No there's only one eye in Giggs&ldots; TIME NOW IS 2:35am&ldots; [Peter Schmiechel returns and sprints past the window in full kit waving his hand&ldots;] PS [shouts] Are the public officials responsible for the investigation of violent, sudden or suspicious deaths here yet&ldots;? PCM  What's he doing here&ldots;? AF  Oh, he always comes up for late for the Coroners&ldots; PCW  Ok, let's ignore that unbelievably poor pun, and let's press on, so how do explain the 2 perfectly parallel statements from the 2 victims of this vicious crime&ldots;? AF  Well, they are obviously very upset, they may well have got their words mixed up, and after all I understand one of them is half deaf and half blind&ldots; PCW  Well, Sir, to be fair they weren't until Roy punched her tonight&ldots; AF  Oh, er&ldots; well it's not Roys fault, and anyway she was wearing a grey blouse, it's not an easy colour to see, it was probably an accident, I mean it was an accident, I was there, yeah I remember now&ldots; PCW  Here, Sir is CCTV of the actual incident, as clear as day... [watching the screen] unprovoked your client got up kicked one woman, punched another square in the face and here you'll see he pours a full pint over another woman, and then pushes her from her wheelchair... AF  Yeah, well, how do we know that actually is my captain, I mean client...? PCM  The fact that he pours Guiness from the actual Premiership trophy is a bit of a clue, surely... AF  I'm not having that, there's two you know... the FA have never liked Roy, he's never been in trouble before... PCM  I think you'll find that Mr Keane has got away with murder in the past&ldots; AF  Yeah, er anyway, back to the matter in hand... someone could have cast a perfect replica at great expense, just to get Roy into trouble... PCW  But Sir, the Black and Red ribbons, the 4 security guards guarding the cup, the rest of the team all behind him egging him on, the 45 or so witnesses... surely you can't still deny it was Mr. Keane... AF  They could have all been stooges, planted by referees just to get Royzee into trouble, the video evidence is obviously fake... [whispers] look Officers, surely we can sort this quickly, I've got 4 VIP tickets to the final, if you get my drift&ldots; PCM  Brilliant, that might do it&ldots; are they in the City end&ldots;? AF  What do you mean, I mean the premium game, you now the one featuring Manchester's favourite sons&ldots;? [Alex in tapping his pocket, winking&ldots;] PCW  Yeah, I know the play off second leg against Wigan&ldots; AF  No, the cup final, you know Man U against Newcastle at Wembley, Saturday&ldots; PCM  Are you taking the piss mate ?, We're from Manchester, what would we want with Cup final tickets&ldots; AF  Och, yeah, I see&ldots; [From outside&ldots; there's a knock on the door&ldots;] Desk Sergeant [whispers]  PC World, can I have a word&ldots; ? Two things. The video has changed, we sent it off to the BskyB labs to print it up, and when it's come back, the women actually attack Mr Keane, it really is very strange... Oh, and there's a Mr. Edwards outside, says he'll pay whatever it takes to sort this out, I said we'd do it for 8 tickets to the play off against Wigan&ldots; and he said he'll just add the cost to next seasons Man United disabled season ticket prices&ldots; brilliant eh&ldots;? PCM [turning to RK]  Ok, son, you can go now, your free&ldots; RK  For F***'s sake, No! I'm number 5, Dennis Irwin is three, apart from on Saturday, of course&ldots; PCM and PCM  Oh just piss off&ldots; 
MANUCafe news THE SCENE&ldots; It's The MUFCafe chain's flagship store's grand opening, held for the convenience of their fans in Soho, London, England&ldots; The restaurant itself claims to be free to get into and good value for money, but soon they are to introduce a 'pay per chew' service, but they will get loads of people to spend loads of cash on memberships before they officially announce that&ldots; They also offer a Takea'May' service, whereby they offer free delivery within a 450 mile radius of the restaurant&ldots; The menu on the wall offers all kinds of Cordon Red and Black meals on offer&ldots; so let the evening commence&ldots; Order is called, by Ryan Giggs cracking a fork onto a glass, he misses due to his wonky eye and hit's Teddy Sheringhams head which is, of course equally as effective&ldots; and an announcement will begin proceeding's by Chairman Martin Edwards&ldots; "Ahem&ldots;" he clears his throat&ldots; Everyone is facing the front listening, everyone except Andy Cole that is, who is facing the opposite direction&ldots; Edwards continues&ldots; "Ladies, Gentlemen and Posh Spice&ldots; I'd like to extend a warm handed welcome to everyone tonight, on this big night for Manchester United, and the fans wallet's of course&ldots; We have filled this new restaurant tonight with players, explayers, fans, and families, it was going to be friends, but obviously none of us have any&ldots; So, tuck in, it's all on us, that's Man Utd plc so enjoy yourselves and don't forget go easy on the Becks&ldots; it was Simeone's fault&ldots;" Everyone sneers in the direction of the Gucci covered freak show, and a couple of bread rolls hit Beckham on the head, he shrugs his shoulders and drags his studs down the table leg... A couple of bread rolls fly out of the window, Andy Cole just shakes his head. Martin Edwards takes a calculator from his jacket and starts to slope off, trying to work out how much this evening will cost the fans&ldots; Dwight Yorke is sitting together with Andy Cole, and an 18 year old blonde student. The waiter comes over, looking smart in his red blazer and tie, and politely asks Dwight "What can I get you Sir&ldots;?" Dwight looks at his menu once more and replies "What is the Manchester United salad&ldots;?" The waiter looks at the big toothed one, and replies, "It's just an ordinary salad, with Henning IceBerg lettuce but in true Man United style, it flops at the end&ldots;", Dwight nods, and the waiter moves around the table, glances at the girl&ldots; "What can I get for you, Miss&ldots;" Andy Cole winces and shuts his eyes tightly&ldots; Dwight Yorke whispers to the waiter&ldots; "He goes a bit funny when he hears the 'M' word, so try not to mention it again&ldots;" On Sheringham's table, he's sat there on his own of course&ldots; There is no cutlery on his table&ldots; Fergie comes over&ldots; "Ok, Eddie where all the cutlery gone...Come on, put it back&ldots;" Teddy looks disgruntled and stutters..."Bbbut boss, its silverware for my trophy room..." Teddy is nearly in tears when he notices some fried egg on AF's cheek&ldots; "Alex, you've got some egg on your face&ldots;" Alex smirks and says "Och, noo, not again&ldots;" On the next batch of diners, Dennis Irwin has dropped his starter and his dish is on the floor, whilst trying not to draw attention to himself, he slyly kicks the dish back under table&ldots; Referee David Elleray sprints out of the kitchen and produces a red card&ldots; "What was that for&ldots;?" whinges Irwin&ldots; "How many more times have I got to tell you, kicking the bowl away is a yellow card offence"&ldots; Zoe Ball, Chris Evans, Mick Hucknall and Andy Gray are amongst the guests on the celebrity table&ldots; Andy Gray, in his Sky / Manchester United blazer is chatting to Chris Evans&ldots; as Chris has only just got into football and doesn't yet understand, Andy is trying to explain what offside is&ldots; "In Manchester United's case, it doesn't really matter anyway, as long as the Ball is stroked forward, the assistant referee is instructed to let them play on as long as it's not too obvious and the Ball is delicately squeezed in somewhere between the two forwards, unless it's Teddy Sheringham&ldots; in which case it's offside&ldots;" Zoe Ball and Dwight Yorke smile at each other knowingly as they both coyly glance to Andy Cole to complete their secretive triangle&ldots; Andy is needless to say, looking in the opposite direction facing the window, with his thumbs up, smiling inanely in the reflection&ldots; Over to the next table, David Beckham is fawning all over the dribbling, simpering one with the fat podgy legs, who refuses to stop screaming&ldots; (Oh, you're there already!) "C'mon Posh, stop screaming, luv, you'll wake Brooklyn&ldots;" he mumbles&ldots; "I'll have the Beef, please, as long as it's not Argentinean..." mumbles Becks&ldots; "If you're sure Sir, but what about Mad Cow&ldots;?" The waiter asks in concern&ldots; "She'll have the same&ldots;"  "&ldots;and a nice glass of lovely, subtle, French, quality champagne&ldots;" Posh adds&ldots; The waiter, looking good in his crisp green blazer and bow tie writes down her order&ldots; A glass of Wenger 98 for pig nose&ldots; Beckham is talking to the baby now&ldots; "Florida, San Diego, Quebec, and Buenos Aires"&ldots; The waiter looks inquisitively... "Trying to sort out your holiday, Sir&ldots;?" Becks replies... "No, just asking Brooky what we should call her brother or sister, when pig face get's up the stick again&ldots;" The waiter sighs and wanders off, shaking his head in despair&ldots; Angus Deayton, another celebrity guest asks the waiter for some Old Trafford soup... "Have you got mushroom...?" "Of course not" replies the waiter, "how the fuck do you think we cram 55,000 in for each game...? How about some french stick...?" "Ok, that would be nice..." So, Arsene Wenger jeers over from the Arsenal table, "Why are you supporting that shower... zey are runners up, big nose...!" Onto Roy Keane's table, now&ldots; Keano, not being the sharpest of cookies, is not too sure of some of the French words&ldots; He asks the waiter what is French for egg&ldots; The waiter looks down his nose patronisingly at the Irish psychopathic murderer, whereby Roy punches the waiter in the stomach&ldots; "Oof&ldots;!" exclaims the waiter, clutching his stomach through his yellow and green quartered blazer&ldots; Roy nods acknowledging the waiter's French&ldots; The waiter enquires to whether Roy will be partaking in the sweet trolley&ldots; "Course I am, have you ever known me to say no to afters&ldots; What have you got&ldots;?" The waiter looks at his menu "We've got some Jaap Stam Roly Poly  it's a bit stodgy, very hard to swallow, but very rich indeed&ldots; we aren't selling many tonight though, it's a bit of a slow mover&ldots;" Next, there's a table with an ordinary family sat around it&ldots; there is a card with London Evening Standard competition winner&ldots; (think about it) also, there is a Mum and Dad, with an 8 year old boy, sitting there, he appears to be grossly overweight&ldots; Fergie moseys over, and enquires in his usually subtle manner&ldots; "Excuse me son, why have you let yourself become so bleedin' fat&ldots;?" The podgy little fella replies, "They told me to wear this season's shirt, so I put them all on, all 12 of them&ldots;" Alex calls over the waiter, and nods over to the corner of the room... "I think we've a couple of gate crashers... Get rid of them..." In a couple of minutes there's a bit of a melee, as Jordi Cryuff and David May are ejected, protesting that they are players... Now we move over to the Schmeichel table. Pete is sitting there in full Nazi regalia, and due to his authoritative appearance they have decided to put him on door duties&ldots; There is someone knocking on the doors&ldots; Fergie shouts over&ldots; "Pete, let 'em in&ldots;" There is a massive shout from the Arsenal guest table&ldots; (where they have champagne bottles upside down in the FA Cup, beer in the Premiership trophy and eating food off of the Charity Shield)&ldots; "You usually do&ldots;!" Much giggling turns into silence&ldots; The waiter comes over to smooth things over&ldots; "What would you like with your steak, Mein Fuhrer&ldots; Chips&ldots;?" Scmheichel looks at the waiter seemingly annoyed&ldots; His wife Eva whispers to the waiter&ldots; "He doesn't like chips, not since Freddie Ljungberg came on at Highbury earlier in the season&ldots;" Jaap Staam aasks about the Steaak aand kidney pie... The waaiter replies "It comes with aa Graaeme Le Saaux paastry lid, Sir..." (Once again think about it...!) "Can I have a grilled Beckham sandwich, with some of that Keane mustard, please..." asks a reporter... "Sorry mate, it's off..." On another table, there seems to be some trouble, the waiter is trying to clear the plates away... "It's mine...!" shouts Steve Bruce, Brian Robson tries to calm him down... "It's ok Stevo, calm down, you'll get to come back... "Waiter is it too late for some sour grapes and humble pie...?" asks another Man U favourite, Paul Ince... "Of course, not Sir..." Ince replies with a wry smile remembering last week and winking to the Arsenal table... "Send some over to Fergie's table then..." Alex notices that Solskjaer is missing "He was on the bus boss..." someone calls out... The waiter arrives, he sheepishly exclaims... "Sorry Sir, but there's a change to the menu, the Swedish meatballs are off, but we've managed to come up with a rare Norweigan substitute... there are only two left..." continues the waiter, looking at Henning Berg speculatively... Over to Carrots and ginger beer now as we move to Scholes and Butt's table&ldots; The following conversation ensues&ldots; Nicky Butt: "Can I have some green beans with my steak, please?&ldots;" the waiter replies: "Sorry Sir they're no longer green, they're black beans now&ldots;" Another waiter Butts in&ldots; "Sorry, they're not black now, they are white beans&ldots; and they've gone up in price&ldots;" Butt&ldots; "Ok, white beans will do&ldots;" Waiter: "Nope, sorry again, they are yellow and green now"&ldots; "Ok, look, I'll have Petit pois and French fries&ldots;" says Butt&ldots; "Sorry, Ginge&ldots; your boss said no Petit and no French&ldots; it's Grande Pois and Scottish fries, I'm afraid&ldots;" Another couple of stars from the past are Brian Robson and Brian Kidd. They wander over to Alex Ferguson, and hand him a platter with 2 forks on it&ldots; "What's this&ldots;?" enquires Fergie&ldots; "That's the 6 points we promised you this week&ldots;  here they are on a plate..." they reply in unison&ldots; At this point the Restaurant Manager comes over and pulls Alex to one side&ldots; "Excuse me, but could you speak to Mr Keane, as he is continually abusing the waiters, sticking two fingers up and mouthing obscenities to them&ldots;" Taggart's face wells up with rage as he replies, without even looking over to Keane to see the situation&ldots; "Well are you surprised&ldots;? Their performance is terrible, they don't see what's going on, and the bookings they have taken have been totally unjustified..." The waiter looks justifiably bemused&ldots; Time has flown by, and it is already half past one in the morning, although the clock on the wall still says 4:45pm. With the exception of the Nevilles who are asleep in a huddle sucking their thumbs, everyone is drinking shorts (which also come in an attractive ever changing range of colours...) Alex isn't dining, just wining and George Best is necking a small Scotch, Denis law I think his name is... The speaker crackles as the announcer says that it's time for more food, this time curry&ldots; A big tall skinny black fella zips past, looking a bit under the weather in an Arsenal shirt with a 25 on the back&ldots; "Who's that&ldots;?" asks one man&ldots; "Oh, I don't know, someone said something about a dodgy Tikka&ldots;" Everyone looks around wondering why they are serving curry at this time of the night&ldots; The only person to react is Schmeichel who sprints over to the table and helps himself to a huge plateful&ldots; "What's going on there&ldots;?" asks a reporter&ldots; "Oh, that's our goalkeeper, he always comes up for a late Korma&ldots;"

This is the year, to
cheat, lie and whinge&ldots;
Chorus:
With our plastic fans
from all over the place&ldots;
The Brothers Grim in
defence, they bring us no joy&ldots;
We keep expanding, the
more cash the better&ldots;
This could be the team,
we beat Arsenal at last&ldots;
Repeat chorus&ldots; Perleeeaaasseee let this be our year&ldots; Pray, pray&ldots; 
All items shamelessly stolen from the Author and really cliver blerk behind Arseonline, the best Independent website .... Bar Riksplace on the internet . He seems to hate Man U almost as much as I do. 