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MAN U TICKET
SCHEME DETAILS...
Taking the line
from the UK immigration authorities, the bosses at Old Trafford have
decided to vet persons attempting buy tickets to gain entrance to the
ground. Here is a copy of the application form... with markers comments:
Name
(that's the thing at the top of your Giro)&ldots;
Address
(if applicable)&ldots;
Please answer all
questions. Tick applicable box. Oral examinations available for
illiterates. Please write for details.
KEY:
Questions
| (A) Options | [Marker Commentary] |
1. How far do
you travel to get to the ground&ldots;?
(A) Less than 40
miles. [Probably a Man City fan. -50 points]
(B) Over 40
miles. [50 points]
2. How much
would you be willing to pay to get into the ground&ldots;?
(A) Over £200
per game. [Just the type we are trying to attract.
100 points]
(B) Less than
£200 per game. [Hmmmm... 5 points]
3. How many
replica shirts do you buy every year&ldots;?
(A) 20-30 (all
the team colours really) [50 points. Send latest catalogue.]
(B) Just the one. [1
point. Send five catalogues every month.]
4. Who is the
manager of Man U&ldots;?
(A) Alex Ferguson [10
points.]
(B) Some moaning
Scottish Git [True, but -10 points.]
5. In your own
words, what do you think of our Chairman&ldots;?
(A) A forward
thinking entrepreneur. [500 points]
(B) A scheming
penny pinching miser. [-500 points]
(C)
I can't even see your chair... how do I know what it looks like,
man...? [50 points]
6. Do you
remember anything pre. 1993 (that means before 1993...)
(A) No. [50
points]
(B) Yes. [-50
points]
7.
Which British teams have won the European Cup...?
(A) Only Man U [Send
Press Pass and you're in]
(B) Didn't
Liverpool win it lots of times...? [-10 points]
8. Where is Manchester&ldots;?
(A) Isn’t it
near London? [10 points]
(B) North of
Birmingham and East of Liverpool [1 point]
9. Name any
Man U player&ldots;?
(A) I’ve
heard of Ryan Beckham [1 point]
(B) I know they
play in red. [10 points]
10. Who’s
fault was it that England went out of the 1998 World Cup&ldots;?
(A) Glenn Hoddle [10
points]
(B) Arsene Wenger [100
points]
(C) A Petulant
Beckham [-50 points]
11. Complete
the Following Sentence&ldots; Roy Keane is&ldots;
(A)
Mis-understood and victimised. [50 points]
(B) A violent
hooligan [-50 points]
12. Do
you know any of the following...? [1 point
for each]
(A) Zoe Ball.
(B) Angus Deayton.
(C) Mick
Hucknall. [IMPORTANT: REJECT APPLICATION:
Was against Sky deal]
(D) Posh Spice. (NB:
David Beckham - you don’t need to apply...)
12. How
the F*ck did Arsenal win the Premier League in 1998...?
(A) They won 10
straight games at the end of the season and played some of the
greatest beautiful, creative, fluent football ever seen in the
Premier League throughout thew season, resulting in some of the best,
finely worked goals seen for years, and even had the front to hammer
Man U twice. [IMPORTANT: REJECT APPLICATION]
(B) Man U threw
it away. [0 points:Tottenham fan]
(C) We
threw it away. [+1000 points]
13. In
less than 10 words, please say why you support Man U... (that means
write ot down, just saying it, won't come out on the form)
[10
points for any of the following words: "chase"
"success" "money" "spending"
"Grandparents" "mates" "school"
"rich" "dad" + An extra 10 points for each word
over 8 letters.]
Applications that
score over 1000 points will be accepted. All others will be rejected.
The chairman’s decision will be final, unless Alex Ferguson
feels an injustice has been done, in which case the applicant will
have submit to seven days of whinging. Applications will not be
considered unless a cheque to cover administration costs of
£5,000,000,000 is also received. Applications from broadcasting
Companies accepted subject to DTI approval. All applications must
also be submitted with a bank reference from the approved Man U Bank plc...
Signed (write
your name with a pen)..................
Date..................
(If you are not too sure about the date, just tell us what is the
colour of the current Man U shirt and we can work it out to the
nearest week...) |
Disclaimer
he's a great blerk and has a great
Gooner site