Taking the line from the UK immigration authorities, the bosses at Old Trafford have decided to vet persons attempting buy tickets to gain entrance to the ground. Here is a copy of the application form... with markers comments:

Name (that's the thing at the top of your Giro)&ldots;

Address (if applicable)&ldots;

Please answer all questions. Tick applicable box. Oral examinations available for illiterates. Please write for details.

Questions | (A) Options | [Marker Commentary] |

1. How far do you travel to get to the ground&ldots;?

(A) Less than 40 miles. [Probably a Man City fan. -50 points]
(B) Over 40 miles. [50 points]

2. How much would you be willing to pay to get into the ground&ldots;?

(A) Over £200 per game. [Just the type we are trying to attract. 100 points]
(B) Less than £200 per game. [Hmmmm... 5 points]

3. How many replica shirts do you buy every year&ldots;?

(A) 20-30 (all the team colours really) [50 points. Send latest catalogue.]
(B) Just the one. [1 point. Send five catalogues every month.]

4. Who is the manager of Man U&ldots;?

(A) Alex Ferguson [10 points.]
(B) Some moaning Scottish Git [True, but -10 points.]

5. In your own words, what do you think of our Chairman&ldots;?

(A) A forward thinking entrepreneur. [500 points]
(B) A scheming penny pinching miser. [-500 points]
(C) I can't even see your chair... how do I know what it looks like, man...? [50 points]

6. Do you remember anything pre. 1993 (that means before 1993...)

(A) No. [50 points]
(B) Yes. [-50 points]

7.  Which British teams have won the European Cup...?

(A) Only Man U [Send Press Pass and you're in]
(B) Didn't Liverpool win it lots of times...? [-10 points]

8. Where is Manchester&ldots;?

(A) Isn’t it near London? [10 points]
(B) North of Birmingham and East of Liverpool [1 point]

9. Name any Man U player&ldots;?

(A) I’ve heard of Ryan Beckham [1 point]
(B) I know they play in red. [10 points]

10. Who’s fault was it that England went out of the 1998 World Cup&ldots;?

(A) Glenn Hoddle [10 points]
(B) Arsene Wenger [100 points]
(C) A Petulant Beckham [-50 points]

11. Complete the Following Sentence&ldots; Roy Keane is&ldots;

(A) Mis-understood and victimised. [50 points]
(B) A violent hooligan [-50 points]

12. Do you know any of the following...? [1 point for each]

(A) Zoe Ball.
(B) Angus Deayton.
(C) Mick Hucknall. [IMPORTANT: REJECT APPLICATION: Was against Sky deal]
(D) Posh Spice. (NB: David Beckham - you don’t need to apply...)

12. How the F*ck did Arsenal win the Premier League in 1998...?

(A) They won 10 straight games at the end of the season and played some of the greatest beautiful, creative, fluent football ever seen in the Premier League throughout thew season, resulting in some of the best, finely worked goals seen for years, and even had the front to hammer Man U twice. [IMPORTANT: REJECT APPLICATION]
(B) Man U threw it away. [0 points:Tottenham fan]
(C) We threw it away. [+1000 points]

13. In less than 10 words, please say why you support Man U... (that means write ot down, just saying it, won't come out on the form)

[10 points for any of the following words: "chase" "success" "money" "spending" "Grandparents" "mates" "school" "rich" "dad" + An extra 10 points for each word over 8 letters.]

Applications that score over 1000 points will be accepted. All others will be rejected. The chairman’s decision will be final, unless Alex Ferguson feels an injustice has been done, in which case the applicant will have submit to seven days of whinging. Applications will not be considered unless a cheque to cover administration costs of £5,000,000,000 is also received. Applications from broadcasting Companies accepted subject to DTI approval. All applications must also be submitted with a bank reference from the approved Man U Bank plc...

Signed (write your name with a pen)..................

Date.................. (If you are not too sure about the date, just tell us what is the colour of the current Man U shirt and we can work it out to the nearest week...)

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