A rampant Newcastle United completely destroyed and humiliated a rather pathetic Southampton team at St James' park today. Admittedly "the Angels" were without some of their best foreign players in Kachoul (Libyan), Le Tissier (Australian) and Pahars (Communist) but they still fielded 11 players so that's no excuse for their dreadful performance. Their 83 travelling fans should be given a refund .. or was it the fact that Newcastle were simply in a different class? the Line up HARPER BARTINHO (sub Hughes 85min) ......... MARTHELINO ........... DABIZAS .......... PISTONE SOLANO (sub Ketsbaia 79 min) ................. DYER ....................... Speed . GALLAGER (sub Domi - left wing 72min) FERGUSON ............................... SHEARER Subs not used Fumaca and Given Robson picked an unchanged team from the one that destroyed the Blades last week, with what must be the first unchanged team for about two years. Some geek will no doubt E mail me with the exact date and score of the game last time the side was unchanged, and I'll reply thanking them for their contribution, Any way I'm drifting so back to the game. It was a fantastic start for the lads, after only 2 minutes Solano took on his man on the right, pulled back the ball for Shearer to knock into the net. Unluckily the woodwork had been given a coat of paint this week and the extra 2mm of width made all the differance to Shearers usual impeccable accuracy. It hit the bar, but Ferguson alert as ever made no mistake with the rebound. 74.3 seconds later and it was 2 - 0 to the Toon, Once again it came form Ferguson. 4 minutes played and 2 - 0 up, at this rate it would be 45 nil at the end of the game. Games do work like that and it must have been a whole 10 minutes before the third one went in. This time it was Dyer with a fine run that tore "the Christians" defence apart, he then played a one two with someone who then played another one two with someone else. Solano nutmegged (A technical footy term for kicking the ball through the opposing players legs) Jones in the "hamptons" goal and it was 3 nil for the lads. By this time I was ecstatic and the floods of tears in my eyes obscured much of the sublime Newcastle United play. Number 4 was accredited to someone who's name begins with a "D" who was supposed to be defending for "The Sooth" as an OG . Own Goal my Arse, it was a delightful weighted ball by Keiron Dyer who deliberately cannoned the ball in a snooker like manner off the unsuspecting defender into the near post of the hapless ( or should that be Hopeless) Paul Jones's goal. His dad Davy Jones , a former Pop star with the sixties band "The Monkeys" was not at all pleased and made yet another substitution. It did them no good as Newcastle continued to dominate. Twice more the ball hit the woodwork, whoever gave the instuction for the repainting of them cost us a healthy win that's for sure. Never mind, It was not long until the dynamic duo of Dyer and Nobby combined to set up Big Dunc, with a free header in the box. Seeing the inevitable goal coming the dastardly "dell boys" defence deliberately pulled down Dunc. A sharp eyed ref who's name eludes me at the moment had no hesitation in awarding the penalty. Up stepped Shearer and hammered the ball into the net off the cross bar. The ref blew his whistle saying that it was a direct penalty and hitting it off the crossbar was contrary to rule 604b of the UEFA directives and the goal could not stand. I think he was just feeling sorry for "the Stains" and soon after the whistle blew for half time. The second half wasn't as good as the first half, probably because you just can't get any better than that in a game. The Gorgeous Greek did get his name on the scoresheet after he took a leaf out of Dyers book and played the ball off a Southampton players leg. Ex toon legend John "Bez "Beresford came on for "The in sanes" in an attempt to stop the score from going into double figures. He got the customary old boy boos from the toon army, but took it as it was meant to be, a bit of a laugh, it didn't put him off, he did his job, Newcastle failed to score any more, but the damage had been done. 5 - 0 to Newcastle. What a game, what a team. The Toon are back, Sunderland and Man U must be pooing there pants at the thought of playing the mags in the next few weeks Todays' man of the Match NOBBY SOLANO, 10/10 along with Dyer, Dunc, and Stevie "I'm a ref" Harper, who only had one real save to make but it was spectacular. All the rest (including Marthellino) 9/10

The Small print......, If you are reading this then you must be very sad and have extremely good eyesight. I certainly can't read it. soccer-uk / Riksplace and the-scum are best viewed using netscape Communicator v 4.5, with your screen resolution set at 800x 600 . All Items, ideas on these pages ©Riksplace, soccer-uk , SMB and the-scum team UK© All Rights Reserved. You can't steal anything off us, we will get very cross if you do and send the "boys" round to sort you out. Everyone logging onto this site will have there IP number automatically recorded, so we will have proof that you have been here, we're not stupid, well I am but the other lads aren't The Scum-team consists of Rik, the one that does all the work, Bobby, the one with all the funny stories , Stu , who makes us laugh, and Eddy who makes it look really nice, with contributions from our friends around the globe such as Stevo, Macbeth, Jonno, Barney, Softie, Dr Bill and loads of other guys who send us stories, reports and jokes. Feel free to link to this site and we will do the same back for your site (IF, It's good and funny ). If you want to advertise on here. MAKE US AN OFFER. Mail scumteam@riks.globalnet.co.uk If you want to complain then contact Bobby, as he likes a bit of hassle. All graphics are designed by Eddy Suryadi , of Mag Power. if you want your own custom graphics (he is very reasonable) then contact him . deco@dnet.net.id.. Finally everything you see or read on these pages are probably fabricated lies, meant as a joke and should not be taken too seriously. Web Site produced for   In association with Silly stories by Brilliant Graphics by