Joke of the
year the office for the supervision of Solicitors say they do not Investigate Negligence
what do thay do then
Birth: Sods'law......Deaths: Law
Society......Marriages: Public unite
1. A reasonable man Lord Irvine
is, just to think he could have spent, two million pounds on his official residence, but
he chose only to spend six hundred, and fifty thousand pounds only. With a saving of one
million three hundred, and fifty thousand pounds to the tax man. That's because he is a
reasonable man, and a LAWYER TOO
2. Late on evening two gentlemen
one a Lawyer, were walking down the avenue when they passed a very respectable-looking
girl. As she passed the lawyer says to the other: 'I'd give fifty founds to spend a night
with her.' The girl overheard, turned and said: Its a bargain"! The Lawyer
immediately said Goodnight to his friend and took the lady to her flat.
The next morning the man got up, put £25.00 on the dresser, and prepared to go. She asked
for the rest of the money, adding "If you don't pay up I'll sue you for it. The man
laughed, and departed.
A few days later he got a summons. He rushed off to see his friend,who was a solicitors,
Who said, She can't possibly recover from you for that, but it will be interesting to see
what her lawyers makes of it".
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's counsel rose and said "Your honour,my
client ' this lady, is the owner of a delightful piece of property, a garden spot,
surrounded by shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a special length of
time for fifty pounds. The defendant took possession, used it repeatedly for the purpose
for which he had rented it, but upon leaving the premises he paid only half the agreed
rent. The rent was not excessive since the was restricted property , and we ask for
judgement for the balance.'
Defendant's lawyers was amused by this, but he thought it would save his client
embarrassment if he replied in the same terms. "Your Honour." he said, "My
client agrees that this young lady has a very attractive piece of property, that he did
rent it, and derived great pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found a well
on the property, around which he placed his own stones, opened a shaft, and erected a
pump, supplying all his own materials, and personally using his own labour. These
improvements to the property were more than enough to offset the unpaid amount, and we
submit that plaintiff was adequately compensated."
The modest maiden's lawyer replied: 'My client agrees that the defendant did find a well
on the property, and that he did carry out the work and make the improvements described,
However, had the defendant not known the will was there, he would not have rented the
shrubbery in the first place. Also, on giving up the lease,the defendant remove his stones
, pulled up the shaft, and took the pump away with him. Moreover,your Honour, in doing so
he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but he left the hole much larger
than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small boys. I ask for
Judgement for the lady.'
The Judge said in view of her action, it was only right that the young lady should be
covered, and he found accordingly.
2. Brain cells grown in
laboratories are to be transplanted into stroke victims.Don't LAWYERS pull enough strokes
as it is
3. London Zoo is to house a new
endangered species.....Good Lawyers
4. Killer bug spreads amongst
chickens.....Lawyers should eat more
5. Duty-Free comes to its end in
1999,but not for MPs as they will still be able to steal,steal.steal MPs are LAWYERS TOO
6. Bullying in the civil
servants sector, harassment in Whitehall, MPs demand for a Government policy. I thought
they already had a policy....look after themselves and harass public
7. Titanic Tax haven to sale
with 65.000 residents. It has been dubbed the flotation Monaco. MPs and Lawyers apply
only. THAT SHOULD GO DOWN WELL!!!!!
8. Lawyers should not eat beef!
WHY! Because they are mad already
9. How can you tell if a Lawyer is lying HIS MOUTH MOVES
10. Lawyers are like landlords,
they always want more
11. Lawyers need space, as there
is no place for them on earth
12. The most successful Lawyers
are the one's who think of themselves only
13. Lawyers are like orgasms,
they come and go
14. Lawyers do not stand alone,
they stand together
15. If you have evidence that a
Lawyer is taking you for every penny you have,let us know as I have a penny to give
them....THAT'S ALL THEY ARE WORTH!!!!
16. What is the difference
between a Lawyer and a leech? A leech will drop off when it victim dies
The rude Lawyer who e-mailed us..."Thank you". You have just proved a good
point, Lawyers are rude as well as bad
17. Lawyers should only wear
their wigs, then you know there is nothing to hide
18. Lawyers do what the other half do...nothing
19. What's the difference
between a Lawyer and a gigolo?...A gigolo only screws one person at a time
20. What do you have when a
Lawyer is burred up to his neck in sand?...Not enough sand
21. How do you get a Lawyer out
of a tree?...You cut the rope
22. Hear about the terrorist
that hijacked a 747 full of Lawyers?...He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands weren't met
23. How do you stop a Lawyer
from drowning?...Shoot him before he hit the water
24. What's the difference
between a Lawyer and a herd of buffalo?...The Lawyer charges more
25. What's the difference
between a Lawyer and a vampire?....A vampire only sucks blood at night
26. What happened to the Lawyer
who was thrown out of the bar?....He was disbarred
27. What is the favourite song
of most Lawyers?...Sweet sue
28. What is a Lawyer's favourite
plant?....Poison sue-mack
29. Did you hear that the Post
Office just recalled their latest stamps?....They had pictures of Lawyers on them...and
people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
30. What do you get when you
cross a rat with a snake?....A Lawyer with morals
31. What's black and brown and
looks good on a Lawyer?....A Doberman
32. What's the difference
between baseball and Law?....In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out
33. What do you get if you put
100 Lawyers in your basement?....A whine cellar
34. What do call a Lawyer with
an I.Q.of 50?....Your honour
35. What's the difference
between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket
36. It was so cold last night.
(How cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
37. A man and an alligator
walked into a pub. " Do you serve lawyers here?" the man asked." sure do
,"replied the bartender". "Good, said the man. " Give me a beer , and,
and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator
38. What is difference between a
catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum eating scavenger and the other is a
fish
39. What does a lawyer and a
sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being
40. While drunk in a cemetery, A
Judge found himself in front of an impressive tomb topped by a pair of weeping angels. The
inscription read, HERE LIES A LAWYER AND AN HONEST MAN " can you believe it?"
mumbled the judge to himself. "Now they're putting two men in the same grave
41. How was copper wire
invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny
42. What's the difference
between a lawyer and a prostitute? The cost
43. What did the Lawyer name his
daughter? Sue...And his son Bill
44. Why won't snakes attack Lawyers? Professional courtesy
45. An anxious woman goes to her
doctor,"DOCTOR" can you get pregnant from anal sex? Where do you think Lawyers
come from
46. God decided to take the
devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he
Laughed and said, "Where do you think you're going to find a Lawyer
47. What's the ideal weight of a
Lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
48. Two schoolgirls were having
an argument. "My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and makes
buildings" The other girl, replied " My dad does better then that, He's a lawyer
and makes loopholes
49. An airliner was having
engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to, have the passengers take their
seats and get prepared for an emergency landing, A few minutes later the pilot asked the
flight attendants, if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All is OK except one A
Lawyer who is sill passing out business cards
50. Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the
patient when he came to the
emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he
was at the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the
emergency room in shock
and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the
autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the
emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records
indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have
pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically
examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the
chest, and that was the cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually
present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead,
isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually
pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right
now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for
the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out
practicing law somewhere.
51. A defendant in a lawsuit
involving large sums of money was talking to
his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands
now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like
that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt
of court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the
judge rendered a decision in favor of
the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks
for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the
case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the
plaintiff's business card."
52. Seems there were these three
professionals sitting around talking about
the oldest profession (not THAT one!).
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam
to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest
profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that
God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely
have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?
53. Once upon a time, in a nice
little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down, also knocking the
snake about quite a bit. Oh, my, said
the bunny. I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You see, I’ve
been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going, and, in fact,
since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am. Quite okay,
replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am
also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe
I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least
you’ll have that going for you. Oh, that would be wonderful, said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over
the bunny, and said, Well, you’re covered
with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and
you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny. Oh, thank
you! Thank you! cried the bunny in obvious excitement. Maybe I could feel
you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me. So the bunny
felt the snake all over, and said, Well, you’re scaly and slimy, and you
have a forked tongue and no balls. I’d say you must be an lawyer.
54. they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
Q: What's the difference between
a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a
bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are
walking down
the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill. Who gets
it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
55. A man walked into a lawyer's
office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what
was
your third question?"
For years, the young attorney
had been taking vacations at a country
inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,
we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well,"
she
said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a
tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer.
Twice.
56. An attorney was sitting in
his office late one night, when the Devil
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition
for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,
and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange
is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your
friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment,
then asked, "So what's the catch?
57. Two attorneys went into a
diner and ordered two drinks. Then
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to
eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and
told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches
58. A biker appeared in court
one day to testify on behalf of a friend when
the prosecuting attorney asked him, "Isn't it true that you were offered
$5,000 to throw this case?" The biker calmly gazed out the window, ignoring
the attorney. Most annoyed, the prosecutor again thundered, "I said, isn't
it
true that you were offered $5,000 to throw this case?!?!?!?!?
The judge, seeing that the biker continued to ignore the question, leaned
over and said, "You will answer the question" to which the biker replied,
"Oh, Sorry, your honour. I
thought he was talking to you"...
59. A woman was selected for
jury duty. Trying to get out of it, she told
the judge that she couldn't possibly serve on the jury. "Why not?" he
asked her. She said "I'm physic. I already know the outcome of the
trial." "Very well," the judge said, "I'll dismiss you." "I
knew you
would" said the woman.
60. The Verdict
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted,
resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer
said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a
verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "We looked, all right. But your client
didn't."
61. The local United Way office
realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I
don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
62. Recently a teacher, a
garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him
through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage
man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he
answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
63.A man is on his way home from
work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars,
so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the
hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the
verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down
in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for
the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
64. NASA was interviewing
professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go,
and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was
asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he
answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two
million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained,
"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer.
When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer's ear, "three million dollars." "Why so much
more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million,
I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
65. A very wealthy man, old and
desperately ill, summons to his
bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and
his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say 'you can't take it with
you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have
something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an
envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be
grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my
coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have
something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few
weeks, the old man passes away.
At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping
something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are
walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and
says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at
the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in
funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able
to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for
a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, -I, too
have a confession to make. As
you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of
the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to
turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund
and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am
astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so
casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to
know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full
one hundred thousand dollars.-
66. As the lawyer slowly came
out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want
you to think the operation
was a failure."
67. A lawyer finds out he has a
brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in
fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor
gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket
scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist
brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the
princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is
a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?" The doctor
replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of
brains?"
68. A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party. Their conversation
was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments
and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of
this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do
to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out
of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a
bill."
The doctor was shocked, but
agreed to give it a try. The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he
went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
69. A newly established lawyer,
wanting to impress the first client
coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but
I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this
for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his
office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the
young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone.
70. Top ten things that sound
dirty in law but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the
stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
71. LAWYER'S CREED: A man is
innocent until proven broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with
crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two
bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a lawyer's
office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
third
question?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a
lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had
over $100 when we broke in!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr.
Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm
afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated
receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it
often enough."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client
who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its
decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer
immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"
The
client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
72. 4 KINDS OF SEX
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.
BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in
the bedroom.
HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass
each other in the hall and say, "F**K YOU"
COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in
front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
73. Two guys, George and Harry,
set out in a hot air balloon to cross the
Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better
lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the
hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the
ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you
tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the
air." George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer." "How can
you
tell?", inquires Harry.
George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is
100% accurate, and totally useless."
74. What do you call a lawyer
whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a
lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you
shoot?
Use all three bullets on the
lawyer.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the
road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer
miles.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Do you know how to save a
drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a
"crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve
into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one
of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What do you get when you cross
the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
How do you know when your
divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.
What does molds, ooze, and
lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and
must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
What kind of lure must you use
if you want to attract lawyers so as to
shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or
"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas have some dignity.
What do you call an honest
lawyer?
An impossibility.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.
What is the difference between
baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Who do lawyers never take their
cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
What happened to the lawyer who
was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
75. As the lawyer slowly came
out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want
you to think the operation
was a failure."
76. a hindu priest, rabbi and a
lawyer were driving down the road, when the car
breaks down. fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed
them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.
they were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
after much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. a few
moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that
there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly
sleep in the barn with a cow.
annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door.
the rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being
very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the
origin of pork.
finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. a few moments later
there was a knock on the door. it was the cow and the pig!!
77. Why does the law society
prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service
