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From April 1999...

Friday 2nd April...This week I have mostly been eating jobbies. YO! Diggit! Irie Irie! How are you all, people? Well, this week's been pretty surreal to say the least. Anywho, that's irrelevant. We went to get the Backyard Babies to sign some stuff on Monday, and our illusions were shattered when they arrived in a frickin' taxi (how glam!) and Dregen, according to Catherine, had "an awful big head"...literally. However, Fitzy managed to steal a "Fire Exit" sign AND get the singer to sign it, so that was funkydoodles. Also, a huge big shopping centre place opened up here and we went to see it yesterday and it was yuppie-infested, preppie fuckcrapjobbies to say the least. Full of GAP crap. We did manage to bump into Watters and Fitzy who were wandering around trying to find a Virgin...which was quite surreal, and needless to say, was the butt of many a joke. Oh, and on Monday, Fitzy again inhaled lots of helium and said his trademark "Big women's jobbies" in a squeaky "Berny-esque" voice and Tina insisted on calling him "Paul" all night, which became annoying. And I missed the Rachel Stamp gig on Sunday, damnit. I need more eyeliner, and we need a new snare drum. Eyb!!!! Stay hard!!!

Friday 9th April...This week I have mostly been eating out. Well, well, what? Hello. What's been going down with you people, beeeatch? This week's been quite crap. It's just been endless nothingness all week. Damn these holidays. Sometimes, you can't wait to be back at school...although, in my case I do less at school than I do when I'm on holiday. Only 3 weeks of school left then I'm off forever...like a permanent holiday. So, excuse me while I slit my wrists. Anywho, we all went to Laserquest the other day, and it wasn't too bad.. but there were lots of small people that we tripped over and lots of big people acting like small people who were rolling about scarily, which made Stewarty want to swear, and, alas, he did. I started an "I'M SAD AGAIN" mailing list, and it's a bit too popular for my liking...I'm going to have to cry about it. I also have a packet of crisps, a Bounty and a Flake on my floor right now for no apparent reason, so I'm going to have to eat those. Oh, and there's the doorbell, but I'm not going to answer it, I'm anti-social as well as anti-old-women-who-shout-at-us-in-McDonald's- because-we-were-slagging-off-bleached-hair...Anywho, I'm off...Stay hard!!!

Friday 16th April...This week I have mostly been eating chicken flied lice. Yo yo yo muthaflubber! It's the funky fresh rabbit who will take care of it here again! Ok, so this week, I went to see The Faculty, which was actually quite good, but not scary in the slightest. We managed to bump into Juan, Watters and Fitzy and say "Hello"...but then they ran away. I went back to school on Monday, and it's as crappy as ever... However, they're having some sort of mock election, so we're having fun being the only anarchists in the entire school, and ripping down the political posters and writing "Fascist" on them...Happy happy joy joy! Me and Juan had an exciting week in English, laughing at absolutely nothing... I should be having a HorrorFest very soon, in which we'll all watch horror videos all night and have a mass orgy or two. I think it's planned for Walpurgisnacht, so how convenient can it be?! Oh, and Me & Juan are holding an "Anti-Edwin Morgan" demonstration at his poetry reading in Glasgow on Wednesday night...check out this page for more details - ANTI MORGAN NIGHT! I was disappointed with the free Rayna poster in Metal Hammer...My God, she's not very nice in it...And the photo of Val Ium from Pist.On over on the other side is even worse...ugh, how ugly!!! I feel like being sick all over my pants. However, I won't, because these are my Asterix pants...Anyway, I'll be off...Stay hard!!!

Friday 23rd April...This week I have mostly been eating sheep-shit, ugh, you dirty boy! A'ight! Wicked! Hear me now! I is 'ere wiv da man, Miguel C. Kesey, respect to da man, keep it real. Hello! Welcome back to the wonderful world of me. Not much to report this week really. We all watched Ghostbusters and Robocop on Tuesday and laughed heartily at Clarence Boddicker from Robocop. On Wednesday, there was Anti-Morgan night, muhaha! A full report can be found on this page : ANTI-MORGAN NIGHT REPORT! But basically we ended up in McDonald's and jumped about, and were you all there to support us in our good cause? Were you fruck, you bastages. Our obsession this week is not Renegade or Magnum P.I. or even Robocop, but Ali G from the 11 O'Clock Show. So, I think that should round it up for this week, sorry there wasn't much to say but it's been a pretty uneventful week apart from stupid people shooting their "peers" in Colorado and getting the blame put on Marilyn Manson...if they cancel the Milton Keynes show, I'll be going on some shooting spree myself, you fascists. I'll be off!! Wiiicked...Stay hard!!!

Friday 30th April...This week I have mostly been eating old women. Hello my little Germans. It is I, King Bateman. Well, another week has passed, and I'm still alive. Today was my A-level English exam and it was easy peasy...Muhaha. Pah, I could pass it with my eyes closed. It was so easy I decided not to do it at all...ho ho. Ok, well, it wasn't easy, shut it! On Saturday we saw an old woman push a car and we laughed. It was Supergran. And we saw some old bitch walk about with a plastic carrier bag on her head. We also made an old man laugh when I put on a Hawaiian shirt and shouted "Look! Magnum P.I.!" in the middle of Flip in Glasgow. Today, me and Juan saw an abandoned tartan trolley with an old woman's boots in it. We laughed. She must've melted, we thought. And did you watch Renegade? Bobby Sixkiller can't fight. We also laughed at Reno's big gun in the title sequence. That's school finished for me forever! Wayhay...Although, it IS unfortunate, because we'll never have another period of creative writing...dumdumduuum! When will we write our magnificent poems?! And we'll never see Dale again for inspiration, perspiration and hair styling tips!!! Boo hoo. Oh, well, who cares?! Not me. Eyb!...Stay hard!!!

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