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From April 2000...

Saturday 1st April...This week I have mostly been eating pussycats and rice. Oooh err, I've been ordered to update this page by an avid fan of it named Shaina who fantasizes in dirty showers, apparently. So, this week The Fitzy Witch Project (a side project of Carnage Candy minus Miguel + Fletch, but including Fitzy) recorded "Power Of Love" badly in the studio, and I haven't heard anything so hilariously funny in my life. What else? Fuckers, I lost £20! Ceich, bum, toly, fart, I can't believe I lost it! It was so shite, WINT IT? I don't know how I lost it, but I lost it, run for it, Marty! God, I can't write these things when under pressure to write these things. Anyway, what else happened? Yeah, Fletch fell over a case and sprained his ankle! Whether he will be able to play at the Solid Rock date still remains a mystery, but, hey, we know he will...so, the mystery's been solved...so it isn't much of a mystery after all...in fact, it isn't a mystery, more of a statement. We're going to the Cathouse tonight, woo yeah, I'm so excited I can barely contain myself...SEE YEE!

Friday 7th April...This week I have mostly been eating canned shit. How about some roast of old lady? 'Tis me, guardian of the west (sa-eed). Oh, how I long to appear on Top Of The Pops so I can smash that bastard from Westlife's face in. Ho, this week has been a week, I'll tell you that, alright. What did we do? Well, I was supposed to goto the Cathouse last Saturday, but I went to the bus station, and wasn't feeling well, and had a sore eye (jeepers, I tell you, it was sore). So, I went home. Fitzy and Juan went themselves, and were mistaken for flamboyant homosexuals, and subsequently shot and maimed by the Nazi Terrorist Squad operating in the Cathouse. What else? Yeah, we got all psyched (like Ant and Dec, who didn't upset the mic, psyche) about our gig on Wednesday, and when we arrived it was a tiny little jazz club with a tiny plastic drumkit and shady turtlenecked owners. So, we laughed...until the manager decided to start a fight with us because we looked under 18 and didn't have any valid ID (except for Mon, who only looks 12 ironically). Ultimately, we were booted out like boots in the rain. Fletch is angry. Especially since he looked after his feet for this occasion. However, sources say the gig maybe moved to the Cathouse. Ooo, that'd be cool. We got tickets for the STAB NIGHT at the Odeon, where, apparently, we're on the bill. Uhh...! We're also going to get tickets for Rachel Stamp who are coming back here in June. Yus, I'm so excited, I might just fall. This was a big installment alright, so I'll go...SEE YEE!

Saturday 15th April...This week I have mostly been eating Dana's Fast. Holy mother of... Welcome, young friends... Look out, he's got a...! I know it's Saturday, but I was out yesterday, ok? We went to the Stab Night at the Odeon which was the first Scottish showing of the Scream Trilogy...and it was pish. We never realised how shit Scream was until we were forced to sit through it. The audience were pretty dull too, we were the only people there with masks and high hopes (apart from two weirdos in front of us, who were, literally weirdos of the psychopathic variety). It was the great unveiling of Scream 3 for us, and we know now why we've heard that it's shite. Although, Fitzy did shout : "Woah!" at one point due to jobbies sliding slowly from his rectum. So, what else? Yeah, I got ticket number 1 for the Rachel Stamp gig. Fitzy actually got it, but I pestered him into giving me it. What a guy. He's a winner alright. We played a gig at Nice N Sleazy on Wednesday and it was our worst gig ever...however, there was lots of trashing at the end, and I'm not allowed to say that Mon broke his guitar in case his mother sees this, as she is an avid fan of my website, so I'm told...SEE YEE!

Friday 21st April...This week I have mostly been eating tuxedoes on fire. Naw, I'm no' hivin' it. Cowabunga. Another edition of the weekly installment, I see. Nothing much happened this week, so there's nothing really to report about. It's the Easter break for us, so we're sitting about as usual. Apart from Juan, who has to goto college all this week... although, we all know he won't. Yeah, we went to see Guavara play at Nice 'N' Sleazy the other night...they were quite good. And we were namechecked...yuuus! There's a bootleg of our shite-bum gig at that joint, however, I have yet to hear it. Haw, me and Lorraine changed my room yesterday for the first time in many a year. My computer is now in a different corner, next to my many Manics posters. My bed is now under Tairrie B and Marilyn Manson, and that's not a pleasant sight to wake up to in the morning, I'll tell you that. I had to sit through hours of my parents' raw footage of their holiday in America. You see, the deal is, lads, if I copy their Hi-8 tapes onto VHS bigoid tape, I can keep their video camera, since they're getting a new one. So, I sat through 3 hours of this nonsense. Never have I wanted to die so much...SEE YEE!

Saturday 29th April...This week I have mostly been eating tuxedoes on fire. Ho...ly...shite!! Let me see your thong...thong th-thong thong thong. It's Miguel, of the C Kesey nature. And I am here to tell you about the trials and tribulations of the week. Ok, so I admit, this is Saturday, but I've been busy and unable to get online all week. My mater and pater went away on Wednesday to England, so around came the gang, and we watched fuck all. I can't really remember. I think we watched "Bloody Birthday", which was a goddamn awful horror film. However, it was sheer genius compared to "Chopper Chicks In Zombietown", a video I bought due to the fact Don Calfa of "Return Of The Living Dead" fame was in it. Man, what a waste. After that we watched "National Lampoon's European Vacation", and then we basically sat around all night. Scabby like a wound, wound, wound...not much really went on this week. We went into town today, but not much was going down, as usual. Yesterday, we practiced indoors instead of in the garage, and it was strange...however, the moment's been captured on video, as everything in life should be...SEE YEE!

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