The Blair Witch Project
As reviewed by Miguel Crappedmypants Kesey
Ok, so if you're a bitter cynic, or a hard man like Mon, you'll go : "Wisnae fucking scary, wiz it?!", whereas, personally, I have skiddies in my pants that'll never wash out.
You've believed the hype, and you stupidly believed the story, and that's the whole beauty of it... I thought this film was frickin' great.
It's about three student film-makers who disappear in the woods...blah blah blah... and their tapes are found and shown in cinemas worldwide...or so you've been led to believe. But what The Blair Witch Project is really about is scaring people's arses off by not showing them anything.
I shat my pants so many times, not just because one of the cinema staff-members kept hovering behind me, but because isolation in woods, at night, where you can't see, but can hear frickin' babies crying and frickin' people screaming and shouting, and frickin' weirdo gunshot-esque noises freaks the arse off me, ok?!
Then the whole part at the end...Jesus Christ man, I had bodgies the size of LeJohn's bloodthirst resting in my pants.
Of course, you might read this, go and see it and think : "Fuck off..." but that's because you've believed this and are EXPECTING to be scared...if you don't expect anything, you'll crap yourself.
It's all psychological...and my nervous system is very sensitive, thank you... things like this scare me. I've recently discovered after seeing this film, there's a certain type of person who'll either like it and find it scary, or just like it, and a certain type of person who'll hate it...and the people who seem to hate it, as far as my research has taken me, are boring stupid people whom I would normally insult on a daily basis...It seems to me they can't handle the low budget, and the fact it's basically an Arthouse film that's exploded into mainstream by mistake.
Some also say the end leaves only a question, and is disappointing...well, what the fuck do you want?! It's supposed to be a camcorder effort mostly...People are still unsure who killed Kennedy and that was all on tape (even though we all know it was Courtney Love), so don't expect an ending...that, again, adds to the beauty.
I don't want to give the story away, but, like most films, it finishes.
VISIT "I'M SAD AGAIN"'s VERY OWN VERSION OF THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT : THE FITZY WITCH PROJECT