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From December 1999...

Friday 3rd December...This week I have mostly been eating chocolate boots and other objects concealed behind the doors of my "Action Man" advent calendar. Ho ho ho, Green Giant! Yaaas, man, it's the season of big bills once again...Christmas time, mistletoe and pine trees, children swigging buckfast and wine, Cliff Richard and his merry men chant their way to number one with yet another infectious hit "Our Father Who Art In Heaven". Yaaas! Naw. Ok, I love Christmas, it's nice and cozy. Our lovely tree is up already, looking all sparkly and gorgeous. It's also the season of being cold, and sitting in front of the fire, eating beans on toast, and watching a lot of shit on TV with my cat. Yay! Anyway, this week was pretty groovy. On Saturday, after being brutally abandoned by the rest of the Press Gang, me, Juan and Fitzy roamed the streets of Glasgow, bought scabby BLTs, some of the "best coke in the world", boarded a train to London, got off, bought minging sweets from the cinema and lovely bon-bons, bought tickets to go and see Blair Witch again, rummaged around in Cash Converters and cowboyed various passerbys. What a day. We also took some lovely photos of ourselves. Our band played a gig last night at the Arena, and I quite enjoyed myself. It was Fletch's first giggypoos...aww, bless. We also got tickets to go and see Filter in February. Right, this has been long enough, like my whopper...EYB!

Friday 10th December...This week I have mostly been eating the scum of the earth. Chameleon! And then we run away by pressing the arrows on the bottom (or top, you silly boy) right hand side of the screen. Howdy ho, strangers. This week's been ok. On Tuesday, we went to see William Reid (ex-Jesus And Mary Chain (who, surprisingly enough, were STILL going about up til last year or something...or this summer or whatever)) play at Missing, and I must say, he was tosseroonies. I would normally defend the poor guy (and his afro) just because I'm a JAMC fan, but he was friggin' awful. So, Fitzy accosted him by requesting "Sidewalking", or as Fitzy called it, "Sidewalk"...only to have big Willy style scoff and say, "Naw, man...cannae dae that withoot a big band, know whit I mean?" Naw, we don't. So, we captured him at the end of the show and got his autograph, and then I stole his pen. Fitzy also bamboozled the poor lad by asking, if he couldn't play "Sidewalking" because of his lack of bandism, why "Psycho Candy" wasn't included in the set. To this William became flustered and said he couldn't remember it. Liar! Fucking arse jobby, liar! Anyway...I went Christmas shopping today after being an annoying, perfectionist director, and I got lots of stuff, plus a really funky present for Juan, which I won't elaborate on, because he might read this before I give him it. Tomorrow, we're all watching The Return Of The Living Dead, and it's gonna rock like a stone, man....EYB!

Saturday 18th December...This week I have mostly been eating Roger Rabbit. Whoops, one day late and already there are search parties out and people think I'm pregnant. Hello, it's Saturday, and it really shouldn't be, because I think it's Friday evidently. I should've updated yesterday, but I was out all day, sorry. Wayhay. So, what's happened this week, eh? Nothing much...last Saturday we watched The Return Of The Living Dead, which I found hard, hard to find, however, I've been informed recently by Juan that you can buy it and the re-make of Night Of The Living Dead for £22...bastards! Anyway, yeah, it was good, and then we made our own version, The Return Of The Living Fitzy. It was funarama. What else happened? Not much really! Nothing I can think of. Did I tell you I met Stef from Vids and he told me to bugger off? Probably...Oh, well, I apologise for this weekly installment's lack of substance, especially compared to previous weeks, so I guarantee next week's will be first class, like stamps, since it'll be Christmas Eve...EYB!

Friday 24th December...This week I have mostly been eating afros. I remember watching Knight Rider once, and Michael Knight was thrown into a dungeon. He lifted his arm and looked at his watch, using which he could contact KIT, his car with a brain, however, after activating the watch and saying : "Kit...!", KIT replied with : "Michael, is that you?" Well, who the fuck do you think it is, KIT? Michael Knight is the only one with the watch and that voice, dumbass. No wonder you went on to be Mister Feeny in Boy Meets World. Anyway, it's Christmas Eve, and I'm just back from seeing The Sixth Sense again...we had originally intended to go and see End Of Days, but it wasn't on for about 2 hours, so we would've had to wait, so we thought we'd go and see The Sixth Sense again to see if it was any better...oh, how silly of us...well, it was alright, nothing special. We did notice Bruce Willis had hair like Dale at one point. I went to see Ben Folds Five with Lorraine on Sunday, and it was very good...yahoo. Apart from that, not much has happened this week...I've managed to watch lots of films. Haw, it's Christmas tomorrow...so merry Christmas to everyone who reads this page, unless you're a fucking liar jobby, in which case, I hope you die tomorrow, and your family eat your intestines raw...Ha ha. Only kidding of course. We'll let them have gravy. Right, well, I'll see you next week, at which point, the year 2000 will be looming over our shoulder like a P.E. teacher leans over a small boy...EYB!

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