John Carpenter's Vampires
As reviewed by Miguel Crouching Kesey
What a stupid name for a film. As Mon said, "It's not Jim's, it's not Steve's and it's not Alan's...it's John Carpenter's."
John Carpenter created (being the carpenter he is) "Halloween", and then obviously went insane, and was shot in Vietnam, because he's never made anything good since then. Minus "The Fog" of course, which myself and five other people actually liked.
"Vampires" is another film to be added to John's already huge list of shit films. For a start, Johnny has cast James Woods as the main star...James Woods?! He's the king of fucking nothing...James Woods is one of those actors who is in everything but stars in nothing, and, frankly, due to this pathetic performance, that's the way it should stay.
There are a few one liners that'll have you crying due to the fact they're bad...but one line made me laugh, which was something like "Hurry up, my nuts are burning...".
Anyway, it's about James Woods and his gang of Vampire Slayers who wipe out nests of vampires, like postmen, only better. Then the Master Vampire of all time comes and kills most of Woodsyboy's gang...
So, James Woods has to hunt him down and beat fuck out of him.
Simple enough? Good...
There's a priest in this film who can't grow a beard properly, so he has a little sort of semi-beard, with two big hairy dots on his cheeks...oh, how we laughed.
I don't know why people bother making vampire films anymore, everyone knows they'll never beat "The Lost Boys".
The only good thing about this film is the opportunity to make countless jokes about James and his woody Woods. Haw haw.