Our Gig At The Arena

Despite constantly slagging off the Arena, our band, Carnage Candy played there on Thursday 24th June for no apparent reason. We also managed to arrive an hour early glammed up to the eyeballs. So, after dumping our stuff near the stage and running to McDonald's so that Mon could fill his belly with cheese and burgers, we shat ourselves. Our only method of calming down was by breathing in while making a noise so that we sounded like that part from some 187 song...just for fun, you see.

Anywho, we got back to the Arena at about 6:30 pm and another band, Buzzer were setting up the stage, and they were pretty nice to us, which was cool...We sat around for a while pretending to be sexy while two members of another band, Horny Goats came in, and eventually, the other band, Hypermellow came in and sat about being posers in sandals. What a strange combination I thought to myself before laughing at them.

They all did their lovely soundchecks and we only clapped for Buzzer for some reason... During our soundcheck we played "You Love Us" exceptionally fast and "Cherub Rock" because Mon had been dying to play it all day and was basically not understanding the concept of me "NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY IT, DAMN YOU!!!"

Soon the hall filled up....with air....

Apparently some other band was bringing 30 people...unfortunately it seemed like there were 30 people in the actual BAND, or 30 drums for that poser Jimmy Chamberlin-esque drummer. Maybe he treats his drums like people...Anyway...we had lots of people to see us and after Buzzer's tear-enducing performance, it was our time to go on. I say tear-inducing because their guitarist snapped a string and he looked so sad I wanted to cry for him.

We stormed the stage and plugged in our gear like...err...people who plug things in...housewives with hoovers...or whatever...and then we got on down to our set list. Here's the list :

REPEAT

REVOL

DIE LIKE VICKY DAWSON

IRRESPONSIBLE HATE ANTHEM

STAY BEAUTIFUL

R.O.N.

NOT MY IDEA

YOU LOVE US

ANDRÉ SERRANO

Yeah, yeah, lots of covers, but that's because we couldn't be bothered playing anymore a few weeks ago and decided to stop writing songs!! We did have three of our own in there though, you fuckerwank.

Our "André Serrano" finalé was a classic as we smashed our guitars in (well, not quite literally) and managed to collapse to the floor, throwing them around. Yeah, and the bastards wouldn't even let us walk off-stage, we had to clear up the mess...

I'm a top-class bassist though, I carry my cables in a BURTONS bag.

We even took along our mascot, the famous John F Kennedy, a two headed toy dragon who was perched dramatically on the bass drum.

Strangely enough we had the biggest audience of the evening...I'm not sure if it was just because all the other bands and their people were still there or if we made such a huge noise that everybody wanted to see what was going on. So, hahaha.

Hypermellow were up next being awkward, boring bastards...in sandals. Their singer was some pseudo-rock arse attempting to be cool with his fag and bottle of beer and their guitarists both looked like that guitarist dude from Blur. They all made stupid faces when they were playing and, really, it was all boring, with 9 minute gaps between songs and stuff, I really wasn't interested.

Then came Horny Goats...they'd forgotten their drumsticks...so they borrowed Juan's. They came up and said : "Awww, man, see that one Manics song you did, that one, that Revol, man, aww, that was shit hot!"...Oh, THAT one Manics song. Most of them were Manics songs, but it's apparent that Horny Goats had only heard "The Holy Bible". They seemed to have a few of their friends watching us, but they seemed to leave when Horny Goats actually took the stage, which was surprising.

Mon was approached by a strange man who turned out to be someone Mon had accosted in an Internet chatroom the night before saying : "Go to our gig tomorrow night!" and alas, he did what he was told...It's just like Mon to force people into doing stuff...it's times like these you're glad he's a fascist.

When Horny Goats were on, everyone left...which was a shame...but quite funny since they were the headliners. No-one would've been there at all had they not had Juan's drumsticks.

Then we came home.

And I died.

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