Star Wars Episode One - The Phantom Menace
As reviewed by Mon Strawberries Clinton
Star Wars, starts the same as every other Star Wars film! Starts off quite slow, picks up a bit. There is this pod-race which takes up about half an hour of the damn film, then this EEEDGIT Darth Maul tries to be scary with his stick-on horns and his double sided Laser beam(which isn't even REAL, unlike mine!) Anyway, so Liam Knee-son, who plays teacher dude of Jobbie ONE Kenbarbie and what's his face, AHHH, the Broad Edinburger guy(another one, but is actually fae Perth!) - called You and McGregor who plays Ob(ese) Buns Kan Only B( a drag!)
So, they are on a mission to stop a war and stuff! Blah blah, heard it before in the films which are after it in the sequence, which is strange..... you copy from before you, not from something after it, it would ruin everything! Yoda walks about a bit and gibberish he talks. No sense he makes. Talk like this why does he? My question can you answer?
Anyway....and then there is young Darth Vader who has a strange shadow which is 7ft tall even though he was right next to the damn WALL!! AND I MISSED THIS BIT, only because I was looking at my FUCKING WATCH! (Note - Mon was later informed that this bit wasn't actually in the film, it was just an advert...) THROUGH BOREDOM of knowing how this film was working! I've seen this in films before, but come on! Everyone always says George Lucas is great but he couldn't do anything which even resembled a storyline! And even then it was so DULL! But I went to see it out of curiosity! (Note - Mon doesn't like Indiana Jones, the uncultured swine...)
The most annoying character is Jar Jar Binks, 'cos he reminds me of a dope smoking teen in an American Teen movie from the 80's or of that type, like Dazed and Confused! But I hate the wee guy that plays Annakin, I saw an interview with him and he's so full of him self I want to smash his face in!