Wild Wild West
As reviewed by Miguel Cunnilingus Kesey
Wicky wicky wild wild shite. "Pants!" I screamed as the others laughed at the Cosby Show-esque jokes...An old man showed me his pants and I laughed at the skiddies. Wicky wicky!
Anyway, Wild Wild West stars Will Smith as Jim West, a frickin' unrealistic cowboy in 1869 or something...Kevin Kline of Calvin Klein fame plays his partner, a weirdo inventor who doesn't shoot people, and Kenneth Brannagh of Kenneth fame, plays the bad-guy, who happens to have no legs.
No offence, but there weren't any black cowboys, it's impossible to have those inventions, and there's no fucking way that guy could have a wheelchair or a huge spider like that. Up my arse. This is the most unrealistic film I've ever seen... some people will go : "Oh, but that's the fun part about it!" No, it's not, people...what is it? It's shite, people, that's what it is. If the film had milked the situation and made it a spoof, then maybe it would've been funny, but due to the fact that they made it seem like everyone in 1869 had these inventions, I wanted to smash their faces in.
And the jokes were awful...over-used American audience snatchers. As we all know, American audiences laugh at anything because when they sit down in the cinema, blood vessels burst open causing an extreme rush of a chemical known as Blotalium into the veins, which forces them to laugh stupidly and uncontrollably at a lot of wicky wicky shite.
Right from the start, I knew it was going to be the worst cinema experience of my existence. Thank Jinkies that it was the Odeon, and at least I could play with the cup holders. DON'T go and see this film, ladels and genitals, especially if you don't want to be a bitter cynic like my dear self.