The thing I treasure most, I'd choose,

If I had to pick it,

Would be something that I'd never lose,

It'd be Phil the Ban's bus ticket.

The one with the line down it,

To make it look like his teeth,

Going past Tony on the bus, he'd sit,

On his merry way towards West Heath.

Once again, beaten by a boy named Phil the Ban

Arfing and laughing on the 47

He's still at it, now he's a man

Surprised Tony never boofed him to high heaven

You see, no matter how hard Tee tried,

He just couldn't beat da Phil

Day after day on the bus he'd hide

And Tony would have to walk, alone, uphill.

Henry Kelly, what a guy

He's one kerayzee kat.

When he asks 'What am I?'

I have to say 'A twat'.

Roy Walker is another one

Whose quiz show's out of sight.

Excitement peaks when he turns and says,

'It's good, but it's not right'.

Terry Wogan, he's the man,

Who makes the country sing.

He's hip, he's cool, big Tel he rules,

When he does his euro thing.

Speaking of Euro, how could we forget,

Dana's astonishing win?

And Johnny Logan's triple whammy,

with his wailing, carcophonous din.

Gay Byrne, the chat show presenter,

Whose cue cards are purely textual.

Scotches rumours from his name,

that he's a ...Happy fireman.

When Gloria Hunniford walks down the street,

The view that you get from the back,

Reminds you of a couple of ferrets,

trying to get out of a sack.

Frank Carson, he's a jolly bloke,

B'Jesus he's a cracker,

When he goes to Danni's house,

She tries to lick his... ice cream.

Are you in the mood for dancing,

Those pesky Nolans cry

I'd rather start a prancing,

With some big fat dublin guy.

Not forgetting that megastar,

Who breaks those poor old girls' hearts,

Daniel O' Donnel is TOTP

When glamorous granny night starts.

Shamrocks and Leprechauns,

The Blarney stone gem.

All kinds of Irish things,

Remind me of them.

One of my favourite places

In the whole of London town

Is a tiny place called Greenwich

It never makes me frown

For the beer in Greenwich is great

'Cos the pubs are really good

And there's a great big ship to see

Which is made mostly of wood

The best of all the pubs

Is called the Spanish Galleon

The barmaids are all top

It makes you want to marry 'em

And when you've drunk enough

To fill a tall ship's funnel

You have to stagger home

Bob Carolgees is so funny,

He should be on a funny farm,

Because he's got a lovely moustache,

And a Jack Russell shoved on his arm.

I also like Jim Bowen,

He's super, smashing, great,

He wears some really thick speccies,

That make him a look a state.

Keith Chegwin was so funny,

His shows were such a gas,

But he left our screens when he found love,

At the bottom of a whiskey glass.

Freddie joined Rod and Jane,

When Matt Corbett had had enough,

It cemented the lover's marriage,

As Fred was clearly a pouf.

The Littlest Hobo was a drugs baron,

Whose escapades had me in stitches,

But one day they'll catch him in his drugs den,

Surrounded by his bitches.

Bernard Manning was so funny,

He deserves a fanfare - with trumpets.

He's got a face that looks as though,

He's looking over a pile of crumpets.

I like to watch Frankie Howerd,

His appearances I really dig,

He's funny - not just for his jokes,

But also that appalling wig.

I'd love to be alone with Geoffrey Hayes,

To escape with him to Venus,

'Cos I've always wanted to get to grips,

With my 'Rainbow' hero's............hair ( - sorry, I was stuck for a rhyme there!)

One of my favourite places

In the whole of Birmingham town

Is a tiny place called West Heath

It often makes me frown

For the beer in West Heath is bad

'Cos the pubs are really crap

And there's a great big school to see

Which is where everyone has a scrap

The worst of all the pubs

Is called the Jolly Fitter

The barmaids are all ugly

And they all do wees in the bitter

And when you've drunk enough

To fill a tall ship's galley

You have to crawl home

And hope you don't get mugged in a dark alley

Motorways are really great

They get you there real quick

They're much more fun than little roads

Which just deserve a kick

When you want to stop your car to wee

You don't need no parking meters

'Cos motorways have service stations

And even Happy Eaters

"Wow - there goes a Country Kitchen"

"Look mom, its Julie's Pantry"

What more from life could we now ask

You don't get these in Daventry

Chuck Norris is my hero

He's so very very tough

He wields a massive shotgun

And his top lip has some fluff

He growls at all the baddies

In his slightly macho way

It makes them really tremble

'Cos they suspect he's gay

He shoots, he stabs

He throws, he punches

He even prepares his own packed lunches

Norris is my greatest hero

I wonder why?

He's such a weirdo...