E

The

WOODBURY HILLBILLIES

If'n yo got sum time on yo're hands ya'll can send a message

for the page by clickin on that thar Squire fella down thar bottom.

Background:- A sweet English boy ( Gladis ) has fallen madly for a purdy Tennessee Hillbilly Girl   (Hillbilly Youngan ) who is happily married with a bunch of Youngans herself. Gladis is too stupid to see his Love is in vain and is trying desperately to reach his Love in Woodbury but has a poor sense of direction.

Meanwhile:- Hillbilly JessyJane ( Youngans big sister) is hankering after getting her hands on a An English Country Squire and is doing her darnest to make her way to England - with a sense of direction equal to that of Gladis.

Hillbilly Buddy having been rejected by the lovely ( ? ) JessyJane has taken to the bottle which has renewed his determination to find and woo her.

Messages spin across the world with additional comments from Hillbilly relatives and friends ' The True Queen of England ' (Certified Nut ) and other equally nutty folks Hexthrowr ,City Slicker,A nuther Fan ,Th' Reel Thang,Hostess Twinkie and anyone is welcome )

READ ON…..

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Didnt mean to tarnish my image.Forgive me.I do love the old man.He lets me do everythang(on the farm)He dont keep me cooped up in the house(cept at meal times)Im free to do whatever ...he needs me to do.Life is truely wonderful!
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 28th 2001

OOPS,I forgot,gotta go slop the hogs,milk the cows,feed......
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 28th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again,whut has been up with Gladis?Im so fond of that feller(dont tell the old man)
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 28th 2001

ello Hilbilly Youngan...Oi am blushin at fought of yous. T'squoire he bin gon owt so oise havin a go on is pouter fingie. oi red yous messij and oi bin takin roight foolish an giggly. ang on woil oi brush me air and polish me toof (oi got 2 )- do that look betta ? its real noice ta foind sumwun on dis ere inernet hoo luves swoine as much as me - but yous call em ' ogs ' an yous can evn rede an roight too. Oi wuid fare loik to cum a courtin ifn yous ole man be out ? ow far a roide be it ta Woodbry - oi kneed to no cos ole Bessy moight need new shoos afore oi sets owt? I spect yous wud loik to nose wat oi looks loik ? Well oi got brahn oiyes ( well 1 is brahn) - long flowin air dahn me bak ( but am bald on t'ead). Oim abaht 6 feet tall ( wen Oi stand on bucket). Oi loiks ta dress up on sonday ( T'squoire's old close dahnt fit too well tho ) - gota go Oi heres T'squoire cummin bak. Piles of Luv to yous
- England - March 28th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Gladis Boy,I tried to read your message but Im afierd I cant make heads ner tails of it.Youre so proper n all.I think ye said something bout coming over to see me.I wouldnt advise that.The old man would put ye to work faster then I dont know what.And he is never out,the couch is his bestes friend,he loves it so .We will just have to be good friends.and admire each other from afar.Mighty nice of the squire to lend ye his clothes.What a friend you have in him.Cant wait fer my big sissy to meet up with him.Well I gotta go ...you know
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 28th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Gladis Boy,I been meditating on you fer a while and I think I know who yer pappy is.I kin tell by your fancy way of talking that you got some blue blood flowing thru yur veins.Tell me ifin Im rong but that Squire feller said you was an "intellectually challenged love child"(that sounds so romantic)anyhow did you know or ever wonder who foot the bill for that fancy schoolin you got?Your Pappy was mentioned a few notes back...King Henry Daeight!!!! Ask ye Ma if thats right.I have a "sick sense"about these things and I think she will tell ye the truth.You might be able to lend that Squire Chris some clothes and vegetables after ye find out the truth!Wouldn't it be nice to return the favors?
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 28th 2001

Hillbilly Youngan...... I see that rascal Gladis has been using my computer again while I was out hunting - we let him and his mum have whats left of the fox you know ? His mother makes herself the odd item of clothing from the skins too but is a little wary since she lost an ear to her wrap which wasnt quite as dead as she thought. At least he's grateful for the clothes - they may be a little old but the Elizabethan style really suits him - especially the cod-piece( it was a while before we managed to stop him wearing it as a hat ). He certainly seems quite smitten with you young lady and has been out all night cleaning the swine and the sty. I've told him I wont object if he needs more room in there and extra straw bedding ( nudge nudge - wink wink ). I do hope you wont hurt him like the last girl he had - she ran off with the cess pit man - said it was a healthier relationship. I have tried several times to see if Gladis is what you would call a ' Redneck ' but despite all the scraping I'm still unable to tell. It is possbile that he is descended from His Majesty King Henry Tudor - most of Henry's illigitimate children were re-named as ' Fitz ' i.e. FitzWilliam' Fitzgerald' etc - Gladis certainly has a family history of Fits (these occur most frequently when he's been at the Scrumpy Cider). The truth be told I believe his father was one of our villages characters and I know he longed to carry on the tradition but sadly he failed the interview and Spotty Muldoon is our current Village Idiot. I still have the servants looking out for your BigSissy and Pappy but without any sight so far ? I will keep them out there for a while longer as Land Mines are quite rightly banned here now. Oh well as you say there " Have a jolly naice day - you all"
Squire Chris - England - March 29th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Mr Squire Chris,I done tole that,precious,Gladis Boy that he couldnt come cortin!I dont mean no disrespect,but I tole him that I loved my old man!Apparently I got too much time on my hands,lettin my heart wonder like that.I got to find me more work to do,tween the milking and feeding and plowing and cooking and hunting and warshing and.... Well you know what they say bout an idle mind or is that idle hands?.Gladis sounds so handsome and good.He must be, fer you Mr Squire to be so kind to him and his moma n all.I hope he didnt get all full of himself fer me making him think he was of blue blood .My imagination just up an got carried away ye know.I guess my "sick sense"is sicker than I thought.An odd thing happened the other night,the old man got up offen the couch!He went to town and got into some trouble!He said someone spiked his elixer and he punched out the town horse!ye know the one of "the one horse town" anyhows he wound up with a" sentience" and got" 11 months and 29" days in the pokey.Tell Gladis that that aint no oppertunity,Im a good girl,and I love the old man.Sides Im gona take me a job shearing sheep to earn some money to buy him a new couch whiles hes gone.Well gotta go do my chores.
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 29th 2001

HillBIlly Youngan here,again.Don't have much time...roumor has it theres a big street sweeper being built!! I gotta go scower the roads fer meat to put in the freezer!!What will we do without possom stew?Times are sure getting tough.Wait a minit...what was this bout being treated as royalty?I might get me a throne yet!Jest dont know if I want one with a lever or chain......
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 29th 2001

Hillbilly youngan.....I've broken the news to Gladis and he is beside himself ( which is confusing the flies). But he does understand how little he has to offer you compared to the luxury of your present home. He knows he could never complete with all the chores that you enjoy so much and realises you would be so bored here with only the pigs and him to take care of. He wants to know if you have any younger cousins who may be excited at the prospect of his hand?( he even promissed to WASH it ! ) His mother has offered her Wedding dress too for the right girl but needs time to find something else to wear before the big day. Please dont worry too much about Gladis - if theres no chance of him finding the right girl soon I'll get him a new sheep( maybe even a live one too ). Best wishes
Squire Chris - England - March 29th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Oh woe is me,I jest couldnt bear the thought of Gladis Boy married up with one of the family.The temtation would be too much fer me.When I think of his long flowing hair down his back and his polished tooth,sorry two tooths and head a shinning my way,I get week in the nees.Id love to see the spit shined hogs hes got.Oh I bet their purty.Cant we jest waste away pinning fer each other from a far?I guess im not being fair,I do have a locked up old man , all my chores and my two runny nosed little youngans.Gladis hasn't even got a sheepTell him ,Im sending him and his moma some possom stew as soon as I get one picked up on the road to the store.A little sumptin to say Im sorry..
HillBilly Youngan - Woodbury - March 29th 2001

Hillbilly Youngan........Gladis has been missing you so much he now seems to have disappeared. Well not quite disappeared - we know where he is sort of but not which direction he's gone ? It seems he broke into the ' balloon' machine in the gents of the local pub and filled them all up with gas. He was seen to float into the air attached to these by hundreds of bootlaces ( which he pinched from the blind chap outside the pub) The last barely audible words we heard from him was " Hillbaillie - oi's a cammin " as he drifted higher over the rooftops followed by his quaint little cloud. We have no idea which direction he went after we lost sight of him - I tried to raise a search party but too many complained they couldn't spare the ammo. Now it could be that he's headed in your direction over there - on the other hand he could be somewhere over Russia now. If he does arrive there please let him down gently and send him home ( the LONG way ). p.s. I haven't seen many hands up - are any readers missing our messages ?Your friend
Squire Chris - England - March 31st 2001

H.Y. here again,I jest hav ta take up fer my boy Gladis.He's a fine boy but his Ma wanted a girl,you know like 'a boy named Sue'He's got to live his life ye know?And we are the reel thang too.its jest that I ain't educated enough to spell the way I talk like you are!
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 1st 2001.

Hillbilly Youngan... wherefartthou moi Juliets (oi read that ina book) ??? Oi been arroived ere in the US of A. Oi been askin peoples where yous liv but yous all do talk funny ! They makes me feel real at ome those callin me comrad an that. It aint as warm ere as oi thort it ud be but oi got me won o those cowboy hat's wiv the fur an flopy ears an all. an a pair o those cowboy boots wiv lots an lots o fur that keeps me feet warm. That there moonshoin you's bin talking abaht is ot stuff but you's never said it was called Vodka. Oi dont wanna offend ya but oi's non too keen on that there Potata Soup we gots betta potatas at ome. You's nevar told me abaht the bootiful country at noight ere and how it glows wivout NO ELECTRIC - yous all so clever ! Yous did says at hows your neybours is friendly a that but oi am feelin so at ome alredy - yous must ave told em moi little pet name but what sort is a ' capitalist ' pig ? Afore oi left moi mam giv me some electrocution lessons an new words - loik ' manure ' an ' illigitimate ' - sose I can sweet talk yous - oi opes yous impressed. Oi will be wiv yous soon moi sweet as soon as oi's get a taxi offen wun o these tractors wiv the big pipe stickin from the front that stands on the street corners. Luv Gladis (oi IS a boy Mr Thang )
- Moscow,USA - April 1st 2001

Oh,Big Sissy,JessyJane,What is happening to my small little world?I wish you was here.You wouldnt believe whats happening.Im so sad I can't even finish plowing the fields for you.I havent milked the cows in so long their eyes are looking funny and bugged out,eggs are rolling out of the coops and the warsh is standing up by theirselves.Pa is quite concerned(about the planting)It seems that theres a plot to run us hillbillies out of the country,the old man is in the pokey ,I've gone and sparked the interest of one fine foriener and it seems that the hillbilly buddy has moved to town!!You be glad yous in English Creek,if youre still there.The only friends ive got is the Squire n Gladis n you.What is to become of us?Im so sad I can't even sweep the floor!Im not doing the chores!Im gona sit on the couch n watch "All My Youngans"My old man said it was a fine 'lie soap opera' Keeping an eye on the hill too,the hexthrowr is up there I jest know it.Dont want no spell put on me.
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 2nd 2001

CITIZENS OF WOODBURY: THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO BE YOUR NEW FOOTBALL, BASKETBALL, SOFTBALL, TENNIS, BASEBALL, SOCCER, FOOSBALL, CLOG DANCING AND MULE RACING COACH! I WILL ALSO TAKE OVER THE DUTIES OF THE SHERIFF, POLICE AND FIRE CHIEFS AND WILL BE HENCEFORTH, RUNNING THE COMMITTEE TO FUND, PRODUCE, AND ENTERTAIN AT THE GOOD OLE DAYS.(I WAS FASCINATED WITH THE IDEA OF A "WOMANLESS BEAUTY CONTEST" LIKE THE ONE RECENTLY HELD IN THE HIGH SCHOOL.) I HOPE MY GENEROUS OFFER WILL LAY TO REST ALL OF YOUR MANY CONCERNS. AS WE SPEAK, I AM DISPATCHING MY ARMY TO ROUND UP THE CULPRITS THAT HAVE BEEN STARTING ALL OF THE NUMEROUS TRAILER AND BRUSH FIRES THAT HAVE BEEN TAKING PLACE IN MY LITTLE HOMETOWN...I MEAN..IN YOUR FAIR CITY. YOU MAY ALL RETURN TO YOUR HOMES AND SLEEP IN PEACE TONIGHT. (WAVES EXUBERANTLY) CHEERIOS!!!!I REMAIN AS ALWAYS, YOUR QUEEN, THE TRUE QUEEN AND THE ONLY QUEEN THAT EVER SHALL BE.
The True and Truly Disturbed Queen of England. 2nd April 2001

Hillbilly Youngan.....Dont yous go gettin youself upset thear moi sweet - oi'l be there soon - oi carnt be far aways now. Oi got me a taxi as I said and they took me too this nice camp place for a few nights. They is reely generous an religous too your mericans - they said if oi confess they will giv me a specuil treat and will giv me a room all to moiself wiv no windows so's oi dont get cold. Yous people do realy know ow to treat and foriner. But thens oi got into a bit av an argument with your vicar - when oi confessed that oi was aving strange foughts abaht yous an oi was on me way ta arsk for yous hand - he says "even Americans aint that stupid " - oi ad to stand up and defend yous honor an oi told him you was won of the stupidest girls oi know so there !!! - e didnt look so smug then with all his medals and his hat wiv the red star of Bethlehem on it ! Anyways the bestest news yet - oi am RICH ! Oi broughts $10 of yours money wiv me and the vicar must av been a bit simple cos e swapped my $10 for a whole 10 MILLION ROUBLES - oi wuz flabbergasted. Oi aint never seen so much muney - oi had to find a cart to push it around. Wen oi's gets to you oi can treet you too a real slap up meal of Jellied Eels and Pigs Trotters !!!

- Moscow,USA - April 3rd 2001

Yes Alice,Lightning does strike the same place twice,especially with a little hex to help it. My Crystal ball has informed me that the Russian Security Service has offered a spy trade with the Cia ,they will give the Cia the name of every one of their spys operating in the west if the Cia will just take back their (the cia's) master spy and general nuisance who goes under the code name Gladis
- Woodbury - 3rd April 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Oh whur is this place? Is it that third world cess pool where we will be treated like royalty?I feel so at home and at peace,like I'm in a hillbilly sancturary.We must be over the rainbow,dodo(thats  my dog,he aint't never cought a rabbit but he's a friend of mine)Look at all the pretty colors!!That was quite a storm lastnight!I guess it didnt hit where the 'hostess Twinkie' and all them queens are.It's spring,there will be other storms. I's been thinking 'bout Gladis,he is such an important feller right now.When his picture hits the Woodbury Hillbilly gazett he'll be wanted by ever little redneck in town.It's jest as well,I've been getting love letters from the old man in jail.He even wrote me a poem,it's called"When I'm out picking up  trash my thoughts  turn to you"Ain't that romantic?Makes me remember when we first met.I was a Hick then.I was snaking logs fer old man Grandpapappy Youngan.The young old man Youngan got out of the truck( he'd been in there for hours)said he'd been watching me,He said you're young and strong and there's lots of work in ye,hows about marrying up with me?I'll let you do all the work from now on and I won't lift a finger to help ye.How could I refuse?My maiden name was Hillary Billy Hick they call me HillBilly fer short.After I got wedded I became HillBilly Youngan.I didn't want to be a Hick all my life!..I know it hurts ye Gladis to hear me talk like this but I've come to grips with my emotions.It doesn't matter that youre so rich n all.Money can't buy love.I gotta take care of the chores and my younger youngans and that leaves no room for you.I was trying to make things right by my huzban so I went to the horsepital the other day.I told the town horse who I was and before I could get outa there he threw a shoe..at me.I guess he's gona hold a grudge.Well I gotta go,cutting some logs fer that new shack out back.I'm gona get fancy this time and cut me a moon in the door and I think I will use a chain,a log chain.Don't want it to blow away like the last one.Well gotta go milk the cows,slop the hogs, feed......
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 4th 2001

Komrad kgb agent tell me evil kapitalist imperialist pain in arse nudnick spy Gladis not Amerikan but Engklander spy.Kgb agent faced firing squad like brave Russian spy. Please Komrad G.W in Woodbury,Kapitol of Kapitalist Imperialist Amerikan Komrads (may I call you Dubya?) be forgivink your Russian Komrads for mistake.Like you Komrad Dubya, I am new at job,not finding out I was Secret head of secret kgb until Komrad Secretary told me last night,She faced firing squad like brave Russian girl for revealink state Secrets.So we will contact Kapitalist imperialist Engklanders about getting spy out of Mother Russia. But please do be feelink free to send many Amerikan Kapitalist Dollars to Russian Komrads.

Komrad Ivana Vodkanroadkillstew - Secret Head of Secret Kgb - April 4th 2001

Dear Komrad Squire head of Engkland mi-6 imperialist spies, Komrad Squire, Please do be comink to take your Kapitalist Imperialist major arse pain nudnick spy Gladis out of Mother Russia before he eats all our cabbage,Do you not feed your spies in Engkland Komrad? Mother Russia will give to Engklander Komrads the followink thinks, 1 slightly used soyuz spaceship (you will need to scrub pickled cabbage off walls), and we give you Yak, NO,not Yak fighter plane! we give you herd of Yaks!. My Kgb spies inform me that Engklander Cows Mad at Kapitalist imperialist Engklanders for exploiting Komrad proletariat worker cows and we do not wish our Engklander Komrads to starve. So we give you these thinks,just come and get your Nudnick Spy Gladis or we nuke imperialist krumpet factory and cause Engklander Komrads to go nuts for not being able to sponge up tea you spill

Komrad Ivana Vodkanroadkillstew Secret Head of Secret KGB - 5^th April 2001

Oh Dear it seems as if Gladis has lost his way somehow... I've just received a rather nasty email from someone calling themselves Komrad Ivana Vodkanroadkillstew - Secret Head of Secret Kgb frantically begging me to get Gladis out of her country ??? What on earth the silly sod is doing or where he is I havent a clue ? I have spoken to her Majesty to try and intervene but she just merely remarked that she had wondered why the country smelled so much better ! Anyway she has given them permission to evict him from their country in any way they see fit - provided he's not sent back here. We tried to offer them some cash but they oddly refused - something about Chernobyl being ' a piece of cake compared to Gladis ' and that ' no amount of money would make us keep him ' ? How is that delightful JessyJane getting on ( more importantly WHERE is she ? )?

Squire Chris - England - April 5^th 2001

Dear Komrad mi-6 Spy chief Squire, Komrad, this is to inform you we have expelled Nudnick Kapitalist Imperialist Engklander arse pain spy Gladis from Mother Russia. We found old proton rocket from soviet days and after removing nuklear varhead and guidance system we tried to put him in it but he has eaten so much of our cabbage he would not fit through hatch,so we duct taped him to top of rocket and launched it, we were going to put guidance system back in but it seems Chinese komrad stole it off work bench while we were trying to squeeze Gladis spy into hatch.So we have no idea where rocket headed (hopefully Pluto),Bad news is we only could afford to fill fuel tank halfway but at least he is no longer in Mother Russia. Next time you send spy to Mother Russia make sure it is Komrad Bond and send him with many Engklander Pounds in wallet for Russian Komrads.

Komrad Ivana Vodkanroadkillstew - Top Secret Head of Top Secret KGB - April 5th 2001

Oi's on me ways agin Youngan - Them folks of yous done send me off on first class on their new 'airplane ' they calls it an airplane because it as lots of fresh air there bein no seats an that but they made sure ois never fell off with chicken tape. I knows yous says yous a southern girl so oim travellin South now accordin to moi comparse. It is gettin otter oim glad to say. Oi been seen some o your ' Indians ' already but quoit a lot of em seem to ave bad heads - all bandaged an that. Its a real shame cos oi wuz lookin forard to seeing them wiv all there feathers and war pain an stuff. Any ways guess wat ? - oi am gettin Richer every days...! sum of yous Indians ave swapped those ROUBLES for RUPEES an now i need an even bigga cart to carry all this muney ! Oi am findin the food a bit hot around ere tho and oi gets a bit of belly ache wich means oi's ave to go to a manurehouse a lot. Now oi unerstand why theys ave bad heads an oi swapped me cowboy hat for a bandage loik your Indians.Oi thoughts yours Indians were a friendly bunch but they ave not been so an got real upset wen oi pushes a cow offen the road that wuz blockin me cart. Oi aint never seen anyfin loik these ere buffaloes afore. I knows moi scoolin was not a lot but I thought they ad horns on their heads ? These ones got them in their chin and a long nose too.Anyways the Indians is riding em as well cos I dont fink theys can afford horses or motor cars.Oi am hoping they can shows me yours house soon but oi am still aving truble unerstandin your merican natives. All moi luvs Gladis.

- Moscow,USA - April 5th 2001

People of India: While I sincerely feel your pain with every fiber of my royal being, I cannot at this time, honor your request to remove the personage of one "GladisWhoeverheis" from your country and return him to the country of his birth. We are still trying to smooth the ruffled feathers of the Russian government and pay off the necessary officials there and cannot at this time take on anymore concerns pertaining to Mr. GladisWhoeverheis. I apologize deeply for any distress that my fellow countryman has caused you and all of the other numerous countries that have contacted me but there is simply nothing that I can do at this time. Might I suggest that you sacrifice Mr. Gladis to one or more of your angry Hindu gods and see if that brings you some satisfaction. Otherwise, you might shoot him from a cannon over into Pakistan or something. Officially yours, (but we really don't need to take on any old countries at present)                    

The True and Truly Disturbed Queen of England.

Hello there..... How are my jolly good Hillbilly friends and, More importantly, WHERE IS JESSYJANE ? I am of course naturally anxious of her whereabouts and in fact I'm losing sleep over it despite having the moat refilled and installed with ' gators ' .   My peasants are getting restless too and some have even sloped off to the pub - however a good flogging renewed their enthusiasm for their guard ( oops I mean observation )duties. The village is suffering greatly regarding Gladis's absence. Hygene standards have fallen and without anything to divert their attention, the fly problem is becoming severe. His whereabouts are also unknown at the moment - it seems the world is destined for a double tragedy when he and JessyJane arrive in the same hemisphere !!!   Naturally I send my regards to you all there etc etc etc !

Squire Chris - England - April 6^th 2001

Ok,who left that jug on my porch yesterday,the one with Elixir xxx wrote on it.Well I held my nose and took a drink,next thing i know im throwing hexes left & right,outhouses in 3 counties took flight,but when i tried to kiss that policeman in Nashville last night he broke that jug of elixir xxx (over my head).Deja-voux! where have i heard of this before? So if you are missing an outhouse I think it may be in kansas along with your little dog too!!!
- ontopothehill@putinaspellonu    6th April 2001

Hexthrowr:It wasn't me,I've been busy at the saw mill!!.....Get off of my hill!!
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 6th 2001

Hexthrower: Who do ye Thank left ye that lil presint, son?! I brewed that un up spacial fer ye myself. That'll larn ye to mess with my first love, the Youngan! I caint beleive yore still alive. I may be keepin to muyself lately but I'm still a watchin! We'uns (us Hillbillies) is gittin us up a union. We'll see who is left standin when the last cannonball flies!! JessyJane...where are yuh, baby? Ye aint in no English Crick, that much I knows. Sprang is done here and my heart is a flutterin fer ye. I shore hope ye aint been hexed!
Hillbilly Buddy  - comeandgetyourelixarboys - 6th April 2001

HillBilly youngan here,again.What ye writing so loud fer,Mr Squire Chris.In honer of yer birtday yesterdey,all us Woodbury hills got together fer a shingding.Oh I wish ye coulda been here,the hills were sanging with the sound of fiddles and bangers.We had a hog calling contest and a cow calling contest and a slick pig catching contest.It was the bestest time I ever had.It lasted long past all our bedtimes,At least til 6 er 7 oclock!!We're so dog gone tard we cant function.But it was all fer you.I thank the elixer the Hillbilly Buddy sent over cured all our ills...cepting the headaches.Maybe when that sweet boy Gladis makes it here ,hell have one of them there head bandages wit him.....Oh Suzanna ..Oh don't you cry fer me.....The music is ranging in my eares....

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 6th 2001

Deerest Pore little sissy Hillbilly Youngan: I've been keeping up with yore trials and tribulations ever chance I git but I haven't had a chance to write to yuh yit till today. I have been a riding this here Grayhounddog bus for about two weeks now, I reckon and my sitting down place is shore tard! I tole them driving men that I was gone to England fer to see my sweet Squire boy and I wuz in a big mite of a hurry. I got right smart mad at 'em laughin at me like they did and yestidy I put that one feller in a headlock until he shut up and started back to driving the bus. He promised me we's wuz going to England fer shore this time and we took out agin and shore 'nuff, the next thang I know, we wuz pulling into the town of England!! You know hit don't really look much different from Woodbury over here! I just got offen the bus so I aint found Chris yet but I figured I'd just go stand over by the courthouse and let me out a holler and somebody would take notice and tell me whar my sweetie is at. I just knows he's around here somewheres. How is Pa a doin? Is he still mad at me? How is Ole Couch Tater and the young youngins? I shore miss everbody and all but I aint a comin back until I'm a married up womin! My mind is set now. Sissy, who is that Hillbilly Buddy feller that keeps a callin my name? Is he that same idjit that perposed to you' all awhile back? Tell him I aint inturested in no hillbilly. I'se got my sites set on finer thangs now and I aint a gonna plow no more nor pluck no chickens nor milk no more dang cows! I know ye like yore hobbies now, lil sissy, but I'm just plane sick of 'em. I have seen the big city now, Youngan, and I Like it! I gots to go fer a spell but I will git back to yuh as soon as I find my feller. I caint wait to see our weddin pitchers!! I love yall and everthang. Bye fer now, JessyJane Hick (soon to be

Mrs. JessyJane Englishman) - Greyhound Bus Depot England, Arkansas  - 6th April 2001

Hillbilly Buddy,It will take more than some elixir to do me in.After you eat some of my sister Nellie-jo's cooking you can stomach anything,Ma still uses the meatballs she cooked to load the shotgun with.I can't believe you're talking about joining up with the union,ole Jeff Davis is rolling over in his grave.I can't believe it!! got any more of that Elixir?
hexadelicbaby@topothehill 6th April 2001

JESSYJANE, OH, JESSYJANE, OH, BABY, DO YUH FEEL MY PAIN?

HE'LL NEVER LOVE YUH LIKE HILLBILLY BUDDY.

(I knowed it! I knowed it! Pappy Said that Englishman wuz in England, Arkansaw! We'r a takin out by first light of day tomorry mornin. You stay right thar, darlin. Yore new husbin is on his way!!)

Hillbilly Buddy  - On The Road - 7th April 2001

Alright, you Hillbillies! That's it! I can't take anymore!! I have applied for the position and have been granted permission to be the Official Ghost of this Website!! Be Forewarned! I will never let you rest until you have all learned proper grammar and English! That is my mission and I will fulfill it. Now---the next thing I read on this page HAD BETTER BE SPELLED CORRECTLY!!! Do you understand me? No iffens, butts or shucks fars about it! I will be watching, listening and reading over your shoulders, If you hear a scream coming from your monitors....that will be ME. You saw what I did to Bestest Speler, didn't you? No? Well, let's just say that he is somewhere far away residing in a large white room with only a box of crayons to keep him company. He has completely covered the walls and ceiling with long sentences-----all perfectly spelled and punctuated ---and has the most happy smile upon his face at all times. I warned him. If you thought I was rigid in life, you should see how stiff I have become in death.

SPELL CHECKER, THE OFFICIAL W.H.B. RESIDENT GHOST. (i am only trying to help)

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Dear Big Sissy,I's so proud to here from ye.I was afierd thet Mr. Hankie got ye to take a bath and saw how perty ye was n tried to git ye to stay in English Creek.Glad to know yere safe n all.Pa is in a good humor,the fields have been turned and all is on schedule.I got delayed by my wild emotions fer Gladis Boy and the old man being locked up.Not to mention the town folks got their dander up and that rascal Hexthrowr made me all nervous.Theres some one in cahoots wit him now!.I saw it last night Their names SPELL CHECKER!.Oh he's gona be dangerous now.One'll be throwing um and the other'll be checking um.Their probably up there on the hill right now!They've put a spell on the hillbilly board too.I pushed the button a minit ago and it dissapeared,it must be majic!Hillbilly Buddy ain't so bad,he's been trying to get rid of the varment fer me.Ive been busy on the new out house,during the birtday shindiggy the old one went flying thru the air and ain't seen it yet!Found out later it was the Hexthrowr that done did it.You Foller yor heart wher ever it leads you dear sissy,that Squire Chris is a decent feller I believe.Jest look at all hes done fer Gladis Boy!!We'll I here the rooster crowing,gotta go you know..
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 8th 2001

Your Majesty!! I am quite distressed!! I became disoriented while attempting to deliver your tea the other day and found myself lost. I have been frantically scouring this message board for clues as to where you might be, madam, but have seen nothing here from you or about you. Does anyone out there know what has happened to our good Queen? I hope she has not been overthrown. (that would be quite an undertaking since HRM weighs in at a healthy 410 pounds) If you would be so good as to contact me with any information regarding this matter, I would be ever so grateful. Also, meanwhile, is there anyone in need of the services of an experienced butler/valet/chef/footman/yesman/ratcatcher? I am quite bored with all of this basketmaking and creating Art Deco pieces made from toe nail clippings. Your loyal subject, BAB
B.A. Butler, Esquire - seventhfloormensward.com

THE TRUE AND TRULY THIRSTY QUEEN

Truly Thirsty Queenie,HillBilly Youngan here,again,I thought yous was the Hillbilly Buddy's great great grandaddy.If you weres a true hillbilly youd get that tea yourself!Cours you being a man n all youre
use to being served.You need to look way down in your overall jeans and realize that you really want some good ole iced tea!!Heck why not set ye gallon jug on the winder seal and make it yourself!Aint nuttin better n sun tea. Gladis?Gladis did ye say?What n who is Gladis?Sigh,Oh he's a fine heart-throbber he is.Dont ye be saying nuttin bout my boy Gladis!!I love him so much Im gona find him a wife myself!!He just cant be traveling all that way jest to come up empty handed!Well gotta go.....

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury - April 9th 2001

MADAM!! I AM OUTRAGED! HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I AM AN AMERICAN, LET ALONE A CLOSE OR DISTANT RELATIVE OF THAT REPULSIVE HILLBILLY BUDDY PERSON! WHERE DID YOU EVER GET SUCH A RIDICULOUS IDEA? OH, I NEED MY SMELLING SALTS! I NEED MY TEA! I NEED MY DARLING CHARLES TO COME FAN ME WITH HIS EARS! OH! OH! OH! I REALLY CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS! I CAN'T !

WHAT? Oh, shoot! I hear the villains coming down the hall. They mustn't know I've broken into the office again! Oh, dear, oh dear. Get away! Get away! Don't touch the Queen! Charles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help Mummy! Aaargh......................................!!!!!!!!!///////7777#####

the True and Truly Disturbed Queen of England.

Hey you! You hex checkers and spell throwrs ,you leave that bestest speller alone!!I can only hope to spell that way someday.He's my educational inspiration!Dogonit,why dont ya'll jest leave us alone?!
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 9th 2001

Hillbilly Youngan: (by the way, that should read Hill billy Young one) BOOOOOOOOO! !!!!! I am standing behind you. NO, DON'T LOOK!  I said DON'T LOOK! Contrary to your illiterate opinion, I am not in league with Hex Throwr. I don't know who he is or what he is except that he cannot spell any better than the rest of you billies. Raise your standards! Let me show you the way! I am only trying to help.

The Ghost of Spell Checker

SPELL CHECKER, THE OFFICIAL W.H.B. RESIDENT GHOST. (i am only trying to help)

Moi Dearestest Hillbilly Youngan ...Oi ave not yet been able to find moi ways to yous yet but am still tryin. Oi think oi ave upset some of your Indians an they gots upset at me. Oi wuz tryin to help wiv the buffaloes cos some of em got their legs caught up in chains an was tangled up wiv logs an that. I managed to undo the chains an giv em a slap loik and they galloped off into town oi fink they was a bit upset at that - Oi thought they would be pleesed ? The buffaloas was - they dashed off so appily. Now the Indian chief says oi ave gone too far and oi must go back but oi knows you dont live up north cos I been there alredy so maybe e means out west ? Anyway they must ave forgivin me cos they give me a escort to shows me the way. Oi did not know what their tribe was called but they handed me to anuver tribe called ' Pakistanis ' who did not wear war pain either altho oi did arsk them to put some on for me but they did not although they did not seem to like the Indians and a started foightin them. Oi did not unerstand what they was sayin but was blushin some cos it seemed to me that each of em wanted to giv the other the honor of takin care ov me. Oi will wroite soon but must be gettin closer now.

- Moscow,USA - April 9th 2001

Easier on the eye than that sty of swine.

I thank of you when I'ma plowing the fields.

Thoughts of you just give me a thrill!

sob sob sob Your adoring hillbilly girl.H.Y.

Ah - I see Hillbilly Youngan has at last managed to rid herself of the dreaded Gladis ( poor boy ) I take it that Elvira is there in Woodbury ? Please tell her not to worry I doubt if Gladis will ever manage to find his way there and its a BIG world yet. I am donning my kilt and sporan and am off to the Highlands for a few days (it saves on underpants but I need to be carefull if thistle). I may pop into Balmoral and give Her Majesty an update in the International Gladis situation - she has been most concerned and getting quite a few begging letter from Pakistan. Anyway I shall spend a while Haggis hunting but shall sorely miss you all ( especially JessyJane I hope ) Have a happy Easter You All !

Squire Chris - England - April 11th 2001

Great English Peoples and American Brothers - PLEASE why for are you sending us such great twits? Goodness me there is such a battle raging here in the foothills after we have laid the blame for his arrival on our Hindu neighbours at yet I find he is not of their makings ? We suffer greatly from poverty, hunger, cold and lack of TV and yet you send to us this person Gladis - is this to make us suffer further ? What have we done for to hurt you ? A plague of locusts would be a blessing by comparison ! What must be do to purge ourselves of this suffering ? Your most obedient servant.

Rejoy Sighn - Atisdepart, Ure - Pakistan - April 16th 2001

Moi Deerest Hillbilly Youngan... Oi ave met not eard from you for a whoile and not from squoire either. But I did ere he had gone to his cousin in Scotland, the Laird. Is your big Sister JessyJane gone there too ? All those folks whats wwears these ere sheets is confusin me cos I fought they weres your Klu Klux Klan Klub ? But they did not ave the pointy ats loike oi seen on TV ? Anyways - they would not let me join there club and ave said oi am in the wrong place AGIN ! They ave said oi needs to climb over the big hills with the snow on them to find yous ! And oi was to find a man called Yeti who would show me the ways there - they says he will be wearin a white fur suit. Hopin to see yous soon.. luv Gladis

- Pakistani Reservation - April 17th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.It seems as tho Myra Elvira has run off as well.When I tole her bout her future huzban and described him to her,she threw her arms in the air and went screamin down the road.Dust was flying! I never seen her move so fast.I thought sure that the new weddin duds would surely sway her to git hitched.We used our brand new flour sacks and the new towels as well!We had a hole set of fancy new crystal cut plastic dranking glasses we got outa the oats boxes fer a present too.I recken those years she spent getting herself all re-fined in the city with Aunt Margaret Mary and Aunt Mary Margaret has changed her way of thanking!Im so sorry Gladis Boy,we may not see her agin fer a month ov sundays.I'll keepa looking fer ye a new luv,my luv.Well I wish Id hear from Big Sissy.She may have found her new life wit the englishman by now.Lucky Dawg!Well I gotta rustle up some grub,having the in-laws over tonight.I'll have a house full of Youngans now!Hope I can pick up enough possom.Look thares a chicken,tole ya ya wouldn't smarter than those possoms!We might hav some chicken n dumplins,yum yum.Well gotta go skin the possom,pluck the chicken,bake the biscuits......

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 18th 2001

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 18th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here,again.Mr Squire Chris,how did ye ever git that picture of me in my new outhouse?Did that there Hexthrowr take my photygraph from up on the hill looking down on me and send it to you?!!Aint that a fancy moon I cut out intha door? Is so proud of my outhouse!But it shore is drafty with it swanging open n shut like that all the time!!!!

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 18th 2001

Hillbilly Buddy  - On The Road - 19th April 2001

REJOY SIGHN: I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ABOMINABLE GLADIS/TWIT/WHO OR WHAT HE/SHE IS!!! NOW FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE AND FOR MY PRECIOUS SANITY..........LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!! ohIcan'ttakeanymore.Ican't,Ican't, Ican't.Iamgettingout of here.Iwillfindaway.

The True Queen of England

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Rejoy Sighn:

Respectfully yours,

Mr. John Q.Rockafeller Cowpatte'  - Office of Unanswered Mail - WHITE HOUSE  - Washington, D.C

Miss Truley Queenie,HillBilly Youngan here,again.Lordy have mercy on yer souly.Ain't no amount of pestering worth you getting yer dander up a nuf fer you to be cursing!!You aughta have yore mouth warshed out with soap,lye soap I mean the good stuff!Beats all I ever herd tell of.I thank Ill write to yore keepers and recomend some electric shock treatment.Jest what would that make come outa yore mouth?!Ifin you want to raise yoreself to such a high po sition,You need to make shore yer up to the challenge!You jest make no nevermind about my boy Gladis.He kin take kere of himself!He's really a mastermind at monipulation.Jest look at all sight seeing he's got to do fer free.Myra Elvira jest do know what she isa missin.Now listen here,miss Queenie,you straighten yoreself out now,dont you ever wonta get outa that place and go help yore grand sonny Pappy wit the still?They could shore use yore help rite now.Or at least 50 of yore dollars.Watch that mouth!

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 20th 2001

Hillbilly buddy,this heres HillBilly Youngan,again.Well,Yore Pappy and my old man coulda been mates,huh?Too bad they sent him ta Nastyville.At's a big place.Maybe he kin hook up with his grand daddy.Sounds like he could use a good talking to.Ye know family kin straghten family out quicker than anyone.Now 'bout Jessy Jane,she's a wild one,ifin ye haven't guessed.She's strong as an ox and faster n weasel gettin outa tha chicken house.Ive seen her throw hay bails over a fully loaded wagon without meaning to.Wy she kin cut down a tree wit a cross cut saw all by herself.She's awful bull headed too,don't ye be gettin in her way now.You'll be lookin like that blackeyed no lipped fool yerself.Them there bus drivers best be taking her to the right place this time ,oh,I pitty em ifin theys ain't.Yea,I's been keeping busy.I knows hows yore Ma feels when she's got no one ta watch her do the chores.With the old man locked up I feel down right naked without his eyes on me alls the time.Pa tries to take a break from his saops to watch me sometimes but he looks so lost I jest tell him ta go back in tha house.I haves been huntin too,only not critters this time.Seems something called' fugitives'are out n about in tha woods ,dont know what thet is but I got ole Killer outa the pin and turned him loose.We was still a lookin fer them and thought we were gettin close,when someone shot a message in the side of tha barn thet said"WE"s GoT oNe Of Em".So Ima keeping my eyes peeled fer the othern.Well you take kere Buddy and stay outa Big Sissy's way ya here?H.Y.
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 20th 2001

Yore pore Big Sissy, JessyJane, Famous Outlaw. (HaHa)

Oh Gracious English Peoples and Wondrous American Brothers - how can ve effer thank you ? Not only has the terrible Gladis been lifted from our beautiful land but our fly problem has also been solved. It was our prayers that ver answered ven he ascended the mountain followed by that great dark cloud. I am able to recall a tale told to me by my Mam sahib regarding a vonderous being from Hamlin who rid the vorld of pestilence. How could I ever have recognised him vithout knowing the name of Gladis ? Naturally ve feel great gratitude to your wondrous peoples for his achievement and give thanks (Please to ensure he is NOT returning though please ??? )

Rejoy Sighn - Atisdepart, Ure - Pakistan - April 20th 2001

,Commander LXR-4 - Somewhere above the earth

THIS HAS BEEN A COMMUNITY SERVICE BULLETIN FROM THE GOOD FOLKS AT.

TORCH, DYNAMITE, KEROSENE AND HUNTING AND FISHING NEEDS.

IF YOU GOT THE BRUSH, WE GOT THE FIRE!

Lordy have mercy on me!!!!!!HillBilly Youngan here...again.AAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!MY BEAUTIFUL OUTHOUSE!!!!!GET THA BUCKETS!!Help me help me.Thare it goes up in smoke.Oh woe is me fer sure.I guess I got nothin to 'use' now.sniffle sniffle.The Old Man's in jail,Jessy Jane's in jail,Pappy's in jail and tha true Queenie/Great great Grandaddy is out!What ama gona do?And sweet boy Gladis  is up thar some whare.And how kin they make elixer without tha still?Trouble,trouble.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 22nd 2001

Facetiously yours, Mr. John Q. Rockafeller Cowpatte' - Office of Unanswered Mail - White House Washington D.C

cc: enclosed photograph

Earthling rednecks,I Quiblon,Exalated Commander of Spaceship LXR-4,Command you to deliver the 150000 bleems of Elixir to the park on spacedate 97.67.5.44.123, or monday night at midnight to you silly humans.Do not think ,earthling rednecks, that I do not know what you are doing. We have had Elvis on our ship for almost 25 of your years and he has taught us how to walk and gyrate our hips at the same time so we may walk around in disguise gyrating our hips as well as any human and you will never know we are amoung you,observing. Plus we have human friends who will report your activities to us as well. Make sure you deliver good quality of elixir so my ummmmm ship gets good mileage out of it.Oh and before I forget I have our Q-74 explosive molecular disintergrator (a "big ole ray gun" to you redneck humans) charged up and aimed,If you do not deliver Elixir when and where I said, I will,from orbit,blow up your outhouses and vaporize roadkill off the roads before you can scrape it up.thereby causing you to go hungry.You Have been warned.To Assure you I have treated your leader Gladis kindly, considering he is suffering from a complete lack of intellect such as is common you you humans.I wish to report to you that he and Elvis sang songs while gyrating their hips all night,You Humans are very strange!

,Commander LXR-4

yore hillbilly buddy, hillbilly buddy.

My Dear Hillbilly friends... If theres anything my visit to Scotland has achieved, its to enhance my ability to recognise an idiot or Madperson when I see one. Now does it not strike anyone there that it is too much of a coincidence that this ' Alien ' Quiblon arrives with demands for ' hooch ' at around the same time as THE TRUE QUEEN has gone missing from the asylum ? Now far be it for me to cast doubts on the true identity of Quiblon but anyone calling for 150000 'bleems' of that awful concoction you call ' Elixir ' has got to be at least a 'sandwish short of a filling' ? sighs - but then he also claims to have Gladis which of course supports my case ! Anyway - I am glad to see that JessyJane is still en route ( and NOT here ) it offers the staff a chance for a short break and an opportunity to improve the defences.

Squire Chris - England - April 22nd 2001

HY,Mayhaps I will rent an ostrich and join in the jousting.Don't forget to drop by the Hexing booth and buy a Hex for that nosey neighbor or other person you don't like (we also deliver dead flowers and poison ivy).It will be next to the kissing booth.
<topothehill@puttncowsinmycatapult.com>

Hexthrowr,HillBilly Youngan here..again I's had jest about e nuff of you!!What makes ye thank I'd be a visiting yore booth at tha Renny sance festibal.After ya sent my outhouse flyin n all,lookin down on me n all, fixin ta put a spell on me n all!!And ta beat all,puttin pore little helpless cattle in a catapult!!!When I get all gussied up ta go ta tha festibal,you won't even know I's a hillbillie.I do own some female attire,bussels n pettycoats and corsetts too,. Made outa the finest flour sak material ye kin buy.I'll have ole Killer on a chain to be pertecting me too.Yea you might see me at the smoochin booth but I wont even look yer way.Sides I'm mighty allergick ta pison ivy n oak!!I'd
almost rather have a spell put on me.I thank its kinda funny seeing them men runnin around in tights n all but I do kinda like it.My main purpose fer being thare is ta do research on becommin a princess,I gotta know zactly what it all entails sos I can feel proper n all setting on my new throne.Thet is when I get my new fire proof outhouse built back!!!Thank ye fer the invit but no thank ye.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 22nd 2001

- Topofthehill@lookingforsomethingelsetoputinthecatapult.com

Human rednecks and other inferior humans, I Quiblon Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 shall now address several of you,making things simple so your inferior human minds can understand. To mr Cowpattie & Squire,You dare to trifle with Quiblon!! Perhaps to teach you a lesson I shall have your idiot leader Gladis cloned by tens of thousands and release these clones into all your cities and towns! perhaps also we shall begin abducting you humans and splice genitic material from Gladis into all your people,then turning them loose to wreak all manner of stupidity into your world.To Human Hillbilly Buddie: get in your rusted out pickup truck and head to the place where Human Pappy was held hostage, I have used the Q-74 explosive molecular disintergrator to vaporise the metal bars and make a big hole in the primitive building he was locked in,in fact we have vaporizied all the metal bars there.Go get Human Pappy,we have also beamed down to your planet all the componets you shall need to build a new elixing device complete with antimatter powersource.We have also included instructions with many pictures so you can figure out how to work it.You will find all the parts on top of a hill near woodbury.Make us much Elixir-we do not consume it we ah um eh use it for fuel!!

,Commander LXR-4

OUR ROVING REPORTER MR. DAN RATHERNOT REPORTS:

THE CANNON COUNTY CEMENTARY AND SHOE SHINE PARLOR. OUR SLOGAN:

(we will never let you down)

JOEBOB BUTT'S CATTFISH STEW AND ROOSTER TOO!

(right across from BillyBob Butt's Hot Ham and Cold Beer) (HEY, IT'S A FAMILY THANG!)

THE WOODBURY COW ASSOCIATION.

(cow ass.for short) where due to the recent plague of foot and mouth disease, rash of cow catapultings and cattle mutilations, we are down to one precious bovine. we are pleading with our neighbors in surrounding counties for donations. otherwise, the livestock show this year will be pretty durned boring. contact your local cow ass. office for more details.

Human rednecks and other inferior humans, I Quiblon Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 shall now address several of you,making things simple so your inferior human minds can understand. To mr Cowpattie & Squire,You dare to trifle with Quiblon!! Perhaps to teach you a lesson I shall have your idiot leader Gladis cloned by tens of thousands and release these clones into all your cities and towns! perhaps also we shall begin abducting you humans and splice genitic material from Gladis into all your people,then turning them loose to wreak all manner of stupidity into your world.To Human Hillbilly Buddie: get in your rusted out pickup truck and head to the place where Human Pappy was held hostage, I have used the Q-74 explosive molecular disintergrator to vaporise the metal bars and make a big hole in the primitive building he was locked in,in fact we have vaporizied all the metal bars there.Go get Human Pappy,we have also beamed down to your planet all the componets you shall need to build a new elixing device complete with antimatter powersource.We have also included instructions with many pictures so you can figure out how to work it.You will find all the parts on top of a hill near woodbury.Make us much Elixir-we do not consume it we ah um eh use it for fuel!!

,Commander LXR-4

John Q. Rockafeller Cowpatte'- Office of Unanswered Mail White House - Washington, D.C

P. S. The President wants his photograph back, you psycho.

Hillbilly Buddy-Vice-President of Pappy's Red Nose Elixer and Tractor Fuel Company Woodbury, Tennessee

Hillbilly Buddy,I's here,again.Thats rite HillBilly Youngan.I's jest so impressed wit yore rela.. ralat..Yore coma...komar...well shoot,the way u's been talking to that thare Quiblen feller.Its jest so neighborly of him to git yore Pappy outa jail like thet n all.Beings you's fond of me and specially Jessy Jane I's wonderin ifin you could talk to yore little green friend about maybe gettin Big Sissy outa jail too.Theys may not havta melt tha bars cause Jessy Jane kin pull em apart but they might kin do some fancy ray gun work n make um fergit alls about the altercation.What do ya say?.Ima tryin to find sweet Gladis Boy a wife,ifin you can't win Big Sissy's heart,maybe I kin find you one too.Do's we have us a deal??P.S.Many thanks fer you tellin um ta leave my outhouse alone.I's so tore up I couldn't even stick a frog ta other night whiles I's a frog giggin.Yore Feller Hillbilly.H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 23rd 2001

Inferior Humans, To show you I mean business we have made 4 clones of your imbecilic leader Gladis,we have beamed one down to Buckingham Palace in London,England,Another we have beamed down to the White House in Washington DC,USA,The third we have put in a Sheriff Uniform and shall beam him down to Woodbury,the 4th on is in stasis and shall be beamed down to a undisclosed location. Do you now tremble in awe and fear of the Exalted Quiblon? Do you now undertand the terror that I,Quiblon,can visit upon you inferior humans? All human nations shall now pay tribute to Quiblon in the order of 768000000000000000 bleems of the substance known as elixir.You shall do this through our agent whom is called Pappy,who may keep a tenth of the tribute for his own use as his reward.Listen and learn inferior humans,unless elixir is delivered I will fill you world with so many clones of Gladis that there will not be enough clothes pins to keep the stink out of your noses!! I Quiblon have spoken!

,Commander LXR-4

HillBilly Youngan here...again.It seems as tho the two rennygades are still on the loose,accordin to the news man,Dan Rathernot.I was shore my neighbors had cought one cause of the message on tha barn.(by the way ya'll owe me some eggs and it was a good thang the cows was a standing over the watering troughs)I's wonder what it was theys got?!I bets it wasn tha Hexthrowr!I seen um the next day a mumblin and lookin all dazed and confused.I thoughts theys jest tard from the nights hunt but it could be thet Hexer put a spell on em!Well since the alien Quiblen was the one who burnt down my outhouse,I thought it was thet Queenie,sh/he is still out there.(and boy do I mean 'out thare')We'll,me n ole killer,be keeping our eyes peeled.We also put out those sticky mouse traps,industrial size,all rounds the yard.Thets a good way ta ketch a varment if I ever saw one!I jest gotsta figure out hows ta git all my chickens off em.......Well gotta go milk the cows,slop the hogs,feed the.......
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 23rd 2001

Foolish Alien Quiblon….Your attempt at subjugation has been Foiled !!! At this very moment the false Gladis's at Buckingham Palace, The Whitehouse and Woodbury Jail are being taken into custody. A circular has been distributed by our MI7 through the civilised world to be on the lookout for a false Gladis - easy recognised by…….. NO FLIES !!! You see ? all your advanced technology has been brought to nothing my the simple FLY. Our Earth flies can easily tell the difference between your cloned Gladis's and the original. Give up your attempt and return the original to Earth ( or better still the Moon ? ) As for your attempts at destroying outhouses throughout the World has also been foiled - our outhouses here in England are INSIDE - in Hillbilly country they are already installing mirrors - OUTSIDE - to deflect your beams ! Earth has once more been saved by the simple smell of an IDIOT - something even your superior technology is unable to duplicate.

Secret Agent Squire Chris - England - April 24th 2001

Moi Dearest Hillbilly Youngan…..Oi ave not been able to send you a message for a whoile as I do not know where oi ave been. One minit oi wuz writin you a letter from the mountains wheres the Pakistani Tribe sent me - thens the next minit there was a broight loight and now oi am ere a week later back on a higher mountain ? Oi keeps getting flushes of seein leprecorns alls dressed in green but am not sure that they was wearin clothes and was wearing some funny green tie ? Anyways they were speaking Irish or so it seemed to me. Anyways - oi am now able to continoo moi journey to yous and fink I am going the roight way - oi did ere that’s there are mountains where you lives and am climbin som of them now. They do ave a lot of snow on them and oi will try to find that Mr Yeti what the Pakistani tribe told me to looks for. Oim not sure ow oi will be ables to find im in these ere mountains but ave been shouting a lot and getting a lot of replies sayin the same as what I said ! It is very annoying to ave people copying what you say isnt it ? Oi ope to be wiv yous soon as oi just seen a sign which says ' Tibet ' wiv an arrow so I guess that must be more Indian country. See yous soon moi sweet - yours

- Smokey Mountains, Tibet  - April 24th 2001

Mr.Squire Chris...HillBilly Youngan here..again.I's rightly cunfused.How kin yous over theres in England hav a outhouse... inside?.........jest don't sound rite.Also I recieved this here huge lookin glass,the UpnSn man brung it.It says on tha wrappin paper"MOUNT ON TOP OF OUTHOUSE"Well I's don't have an outhouse no more and ain't had time to gether up enough rocks and mix up enuff mud n straw ta build me a new fire proof one yet.So's what am I spose ta do with this here thang?I recken I could brang it wit me when I do my chores,sos I wont feel so alone.I do miss the old man.But I jest don't thank I kin function wit some strange womin watchin me alls tha time.Well gotta go do my chores.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 26th 2001

HillBilly Youngan here...again.Well shoot!When you put it thet ways,I guess I's perty rude n all.I id luv my new outhouse n the fields shore are a greening up sumtin plum wunderful.The neighbors are rightly concerned bout tha cows tho.seems thet theys can't come offin tha hill.they jest keeps goin round in circles!Up on closter inspection it seems thet when theys landed, after yous catapulted em,on jest one side and theys two legs are a mite shorter on one side than tha tother.Some tried to get round tha wrong ways n theys rolled alls the ways down ta tha bottom of tha hill.It's rite funny but its awful sad too.Jest glad mys cows were in tha barn!Ceptin thet slight problem wit tha holes in tha udders.Well at tha Renney sance I might look yer ways but don't be sneekin thet Hillbilly Buddy unders tha table,ya here?The Old Man couldn't take it ifin he knoes I's been kissin a neighbor.It jest mite start up a new fued er somtin.I's done toles em thet the H.B.was sweet on Jessy Jane.Now don't ye be messin with the dinamics now!Sides I thought thet H.B. wasa trying to git rid of you!?I guess yous a wantin some more of thet special elixer.Maybe yous should tell the H.B. thet ya got thet big tea pot,maybe he kin use it ta make theys elixer.As far as tha Queenie and tha Butler goes,the only ways I spect ta see them is with them yeller sticky mouse traps stuck alls over them along wit thet other fugitive thets on tha loose.Then I's gona send em over to tha sherrifs office ta BooBoo Burns ta take kere of.I's heard a rumor thet a fine ole boy showed up in a sherriffs outfit,and tha towns folks wasa tryin ta get him ta take over.There maybe hope fer our plats n plots n peices of heaven yet!Well I's still wishin youd get offen my hill,but I'm mighty grateful fer all the indirect good thangs thet you've done fer me.See ya at the Renny!H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 26th 2001

Gladis Boy!!Oh I's so glad ta know yer back from yer trip in outer space.HillBilly Youngan here...again.It's jest too bad ye can't remembers yours experience.Thet time warp may hev warp yer mind!!I's hope not, I's likes the way yer mind works.It's down rite jeanous hows you gits people to do tha things yous wantin them ta do.I's jest wished you waited on Mr Squire Chris fer gettin you back down til thet Hillbilly Buddie got Quiblen ta git Big Sissy outa jail.Oh wells,she
allas thanks of sumtin.The towns folks say a sherrif showed up at tha jail lookin jest like you and theys wanted him ta stay but tha secret servise throwed him in their van n haulled him away.I spect he'll wind up over in rosswell somewhere.It's jest as well I's dont thank I could find ye three womins plus the one I's tryin ta find you.Did Quimblen tell you why he's cloned so many Elvises?Theys seen everywheres!I's wonder whats he'sa wantin from that.Well Gladis Boy yousa a gettin close ta home alright!Thems Smokie Mountains is in Tennessee!!Although I's never heard em called Tibet,I thoughts it was Gatlinberg.But listen here, Ifins yous headed fer the indians,yous goin tha wrong way.Yous a goin toards Cherokee North Carolina!You turn around now and when ye git ta Sevierville ,you tell Dolly I said Hey.Yore adorin hillbilly H.Y.P.S. can't wait til ye git here!I wont ta here ye say my given name in person:Hillary Billy Hick Youngan SIGH.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 26th 2001

Thus Spake Quiblon,Exalted Commander of spaceship LXR-4^^^Inferior Humans! You think you have had victory over Quiblon? Silly Humans! do you not know this is not possible? We still have the 4th clone of Gladis in suspension,from which we may make many more clones,but until we work out the fly detail perhaps we will make a Gladis/Elvis hybrid and put it/him on mtv to torment you. As we orbit your odious planet we are using the q-74 explosive molecular disintegrator to blast the doors off all your jails which house human hillbillies, we free them from their inprisonment that they may inflict all manner of mischief on you as is their wont,this is your just deserts for your futile attempts at preventing the production of the substance know as Elixir.Also take note;putting mirrors on top of your outhouses will not help,we have other weapons whereby we may blow the crap out of your outhouses,literally! The Elixir must flow Quiblon has spoken!
<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Hexbury Plantation - Topofthehill@thrownhex.com

Hey there you mr Quiblinny,HillBilly Youngan here...again.Did I's here yous rite?Were you gona git my Jessy Jane outa jail??I's promis ye Mr. Quimlen thet Big Sissy didn't mean to inflict mischief on all manners,she was jest tard!I see also thet My boy Gladis got offin youre plate too soon .He coulda enjoyed some of them there just desserts thets you been serving.Oh wells I's a mite curious.I's didn't kno's thet there wasn alien hillbillies!What kind of plows n cows n dawgs n hawgs n crops do's theys have.I's didn't know thet there was alien hillbillies til yous done toles me.Oh n one more thang Mr.Quimble I's dont have me no outhouse no more!Theys crap alls over the place already!!!

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - April 26th 2001

WOODBURY HILLBILLIES - CHAPTER 2

Squire, the Fancy Englishman

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