I WARNED YE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The

WOODBURY HILLBILLIES

EPISODE 2 (HIGHLAND VERSION)

If'n yo got sum time on yo're hands ya'll can send a message

for the page by clickin on that thar Squire fella down thar bottom.

Background:- A sweet English boy ( Gladis ) has fallen madly for a purdy Tennessee Hillbilly Girl   (Hillbilly Youngan ) who is happily married with a bunch of Youngans herself. Gladis is too stupid to see his Love is in vain and is trying desperately to reach his Love in Woodbury but has a poor sense of direction.

Meanwhile:- Hillbilly JessyJane ( Youngans big sister) is hankering after getting her hands on a An English Country Squire and is doing her darnest to make her way to England - with a sense of direction equal to that of Gladis.

Hillbilly Buddy having been rejected by the lovely ( ? ) JessyJane has taken to the bottle which has renewed his determination to find and woo her.

Messages spin across the world with additional comments from Hillbilly relatives and friends ' The True Queen of England ' (Certified Nut ) and other equally nutty folks Hexthrowr ,Exalted Quiblon

READ ON…..

Dear Mr Quiblon,Rose Iris Buttercup,President of the Woodbury Garden Club would like to inquire as to where and how I may come into possession of one of those Gladis/Elvis hybrids?I am so intrigued with your new specimen!I am very competitive in the garden world and would like to be the first to acquire this beautiful but smelly botanical.Your speedy response would be appreciated!

Rose Iris Buttercup,President of the Woodbury Garden Club

Human Hillbilly Youngan, I Quiblon, Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 shall now attempt to impart understanding to you.^ Many of your statements make no sense ,even to the human language dictionary we have obtained. Am I to understand that your leaders put your sister in jail for being mentally retarded? You humans are truely barbaric! We have vaporized the doors off all jails where our scanners detected a human hillbilly in order for the hillbillies to escape and become nuisances, thereby causing the attention of your enforcers to be diverted away from the Hillbillies who are busy producing the Elixir substance for us^^On my homeworld all people are highly intelligent,hence there are no hillbillies.^^^ And to set the record straight,the Gladis human did not leave of his own accord,we booted him out of the ship over the continent you call Asia because of his refusal to bathe.We had to vent atmosphere from our ship for several days to remove the hideous odor he brought with him.^^^ As to what type of animals my planet has there are several,the most common is a pflipf -an animal similar in size and shape to what you call a pig except they are either blue or purple and have wings,we brought one with us but it escaped some months ago,If it should consume one of you humans I hope you will have the decency to give it some tumms or pepto-bismol for the belly ache it will surely get.^^^^ As to your outhouse being obliterated,do not complain to me,complain to your evil leaders who attempt to prevent the production of the substance Elixir,which resulted in the need of a show of force,If You humans were smart you will get your leaders to help make production of Elixir easier.It is the one thing that your odious planet makes that people on other planets would pay for,You Hillbillies would be rich! But your evil leaders do not want you to be rich.So you Hillbillies should use the gift of being released from jail ,which I, Quiblon, have done for your people,to take over your world and produce mega amounts of Elixir.
<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

My dear Quiblon old chap.....good friend, Buddy even ??? Lets not go threatening each other ( especially with an Elvis/Gladis hybrid ) All this destruction of outhouses is so unneccesary ( and pretty smelly) and please remember that its a big possibility that some of those disguised outhouses are at this very moment - producing ELIXIR !!! YES - we have foiled you once again - all stills in Woodbury are now disguised as OUTHOUSES !!! Now how about you take back the original Gladis, keep your Elvis/Gladis Hybrid and we in turn will supply you with a gallon of ELIXIR, 2 Million English Cows and sheep and The True Queen of England for your very own ! That seems a pretty good deal to me !!! Let me have your response soon unless of course you want to haggle ??? Very best wishes from your Very best and admiring friend - Squire Chris. p.s. In your travels have you come across James T. Kilt ? He's my Scottish astronaut cousin - he was last heard of somewhere out there in space where no kilted man has gone before. He's easy to recognise as he always has a smile on his face owing to his habit of wearing his Sporran on the inside of his kilt.

Squire Chris - England - May 1st 2001

Dalhi ah littlelonga, Temple of Gladis, Tibet

Dear Mr.Esteemed Quiblon.This is your fellow garden friend,Iris Rose Buttercup.Please I beg of you,don't listen to that abominable Squire Chris !!It would be a great offence for you to keep that wonderful new hybrid from us.I must have it!!If you intend on trading it for.. um um elixer,I am in possesion of some myself.Chris offered to give you 1 gallon for you to keep it,well I am prepared to offer you 3.Ah yes you can't possibly refuse an offer like that!Please don't make it public that I have elixer,the girls might not understand.I only use it for medicinal purposes you see.I also have installed an old outhouse in the backyard as is displaying old artifacts is in these days.I do tell them it is just for looks,when in fact it houses my personal still and also the largest venus flytrap you've ever seen! Which I think is due to the fact that whenever it looks poorly I give it a dose of my"medicine" and it just grows and grows!!Oh the world of plants....Please respond quickly as the spring show is upon us!!

Rose Iris Buttercup,President of the Woodbury Garden Club

Thus Speaketh Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship Lxr-4,To Human Rose Iris Buttercup & the Woodbury Garden Cup.*** Human Buttercup,It is easy to ascertain from your writing that you are a human and a hillbilly,You have misunderstood what a Gladis/Elvis Hybrid is> It is a clone made of the combined dna from the human Gladis and the human Elvis and although it's intelligence is not much higher than the average earth vegetable.It would be unfit to be planted in your garden.between its pundrid odor,propensity to consume large amounts of malted beverages and its apparent apathy as to wear it eliminates these beverages combined with its fondness of gyrating its hips while making strange noises,all the other plants in your garden would surely wilt and die if your were to plant it. Perhaps you should plant some of those plants that have the pretty poppy flowers on them instead.

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Hexer,jest whut are you talkin bout?HillBilly Youngan here...again.Whut alls thisa bout an airplane?!You mean ta tell me thet that there Squire Chris feller isa cross the really big fishin pond!?I jest can't believe it!I kno's she wasa haven ta travel fer,but thets jest too fer!!Why she won't never come home ta visit her kin folks no more ifin she gits across tha really big fishin pond!!N ifin Myra Elvira cums ta her senses n marries up wit Gladis boy,thet means she'll be gone too!Whut willa ever do??I jest can't be loosin all my famly.I kno's this ain't whut poor Jessy Jane wants but Im'a gona talk her inta hitchin up wit Hillbilly Buddy.I jest gotsta figure out my stratigy.Hexer thank ye for openin up my eyes.Also thank ye fer the free fertilizer offer but I'd shore apprecitate some rain.Things are mighty dry here. P.S. Did ye ever tell thet future brother n law of mine you had thet big tea kettle?Thet Quibblenot is gettin mighty anxious!!

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - May 1st 2001

Silly Quibblenot,HillBilly Youngan here...again,I ain't talkin no jibberish!Thets not my nationality no hows.Whut I said was as clear as a cow bell!Whuts a matter wit you?Oh I see, you didn git the new revised Wilburs Addition dictionarry.Thats ye problem,thares ye trouble.Well I'sa wont give ye no more trouble bout yore pore understandin.Well I'sa mighty sorry ta hear you don't got no Alien Hillbillies.Yore world must be an awful borin place.I betcha never heard the sweet twang of tha hillbilly music neither.Well no wonder yous dreamed up this scheme ta get elixer when all tha whiles yous jest wantin ta fill up on Hillbilly culture.I feel rite sorry fer ya little green feller...Now did I heres you rite,did ya say yous gona pay Hillbilly Buddy fer thet elixer??Well ya knos they still owes thet $50 fine. Them officials dont wont ta help in tha production of elixer,theys jest wonts tha $50!!Theys might come back n try ta git Pappy!N I's dont thank thet the H.B. kno's which hill you put thet new fancy still on.Hexer's got a new tea kettle,I's tryin ta git him ta give it ta H.B. so's he kin git thangs started again.Jest thank Qwubly,the longer this thang draggs out tha longer youve got ta absorb our wonderful ways!!Oh thanks fer lettin us in on thet escaped varment!!Ratt Packett thought he had jest been in the outhouse too long(thets where his new still is) .When he came out, he thought he saw a flyin purple pig!!He'll shore be relieved ta kno his mind wasn't playin tricks on him.Corse he kinda figured thet it wasn't when he was drenched in a slimmy blue slop.I promise ta be more kindly to yore communications now thet I understand ye motives.Bye Bye n you take kere,Mr. Quimdle.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler) - May 1st 2001

I beg your pardon sir!!I Mrs.Buttercup Rose Iris am most certainly not a hillbilly.I reside in the lovely city of Woodbury!I am a towns person.I shop in grocery stores,eat in resturaunts,I drive a car!And last but not least,My plumbing is inside!!!Forgive me for my outburst but I am so shaken by the news that I cannot acquire that most precious hybrid.Its just that I have already been boasting about my new prize and now I may have to step down as president of the Woodbury Garden Club..I simply can't talk any longer.If you need me,you shall find me out back in my outhouse.

Rose Iris Buttercup,President of the Woodbury Garden Club

Thus Speaketh Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spacecraft LXR-4 *** Cannon County Humans!! ** You may rejoice! I,Quiblon will come to your aid! I wait for you to throw the Sheriff in prison,Then I,Quiblon shall become your Sheriff ! **Prisoners will not be mistreated by Quiblon,they will either work Elixing devices to pay for their crimes or they shall be executed on the spot.All lawbreakers will be made to produce Elixir for Quiblon as their penance!! Perhaps I shall declare martial law and force all local politicians to produce Elixir as well.^^I Shall wait in orbit for you to throw the sheriff in prison,then I shall come and deliver you from criminals.
<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Human Squire^^ I must admit, I have become curious,so I will ask; How is it you call the place you live The United Kingdom,when you do not have a King but do have a Queen? Should you not call it the United Queendom?^^NO! we shall not take back the Gladis being! nor shall we keep the Gladis/Elvis hybrid.However,in exchange for a generous amount of Elixir I would be open to the possibility of using 1/3 of the elixir to soak the Gladis being in,provided you are willing to set him ablaze after he is soaked in elixir.As to hiding elixing devices in outhouses, I, Quiblon have a plan !

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Sorry to be the one to tell you Hillbilly Youngan,but that Squire Chris gentleman is way on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean,not the fishing pond nor even the Cment pond.the only way for your sister to get there is by ship,airplane or as I mentioned I would be happy to catapult her over.I haven't told Hillbilly Buddy about the big tea kettle someone left on the lawn,but then again H.B seems to have disappeared>Don't you think it kind of odd that Hillbilly Buddy and the True Queen of England disappeared about the same time people in the area started claiming to see flying saucers? Coincidence? I think not ! Oh I thought I would mention that my sister told me her husband's sister's husband's cousin Cletus Bogg built an outhouse out of empty beer cans,it took him several months to build it,because as you can guess he had to drink, the beer out of the cans first.She says Cletus is going to start a beer can outhouse construction company.at lease he won't have to worry about it catching on fire.Well I have to go look up some Hexes to throw on space aliens,just in case.

Hexbury Plantation - Topofthehill@thrownhex.com

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

Human Squire Chris..Quiblon has never heard of this James T Kilt human astronaut. However when the LXR-4 first entered your star system we did encounter a small bump between the planets you call Neptune & Pluto,by the time we reached Jupiter one of my crew discovered a cloth with red and black square patterns stuck on the end of a communications antenna we had deployed,there was no human attached to this cloth. I surely hope this did not belong to your human astronaut,because some of the other races who have achieved interstellar travel are what you humans would call uptight people.If they were they to pick up on their long range telescope the bare behind of your human astronaut they would become extremely angry and consider it an act of war by your planet and would surely invade earth. let me know if you think this cloth belonged to your human astronaut,if so, perhaps I,Quiblon could be persuaded to deliver a new cloth to him...for a price.

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Did Ya'll hear tha news!? H.Y. here...again.Thet thare Qwubbley isa gona be tha new sherriff!!I jest knew he wanted ta be here wit us hillbillies!! Whut better way ta witness our culture than being in
charge of most of us!My old man kin make thet elixer,he's jest not motivated like thet Hillbilly Buddy.Course it'll have ta be either before All My Youngans er after As Tha Plow Turns.Can you work wit thet Mr. Q.?I's jest so proud ta hear tha news!Maybe you kin help us ketch thet Phliffer you lost.Hexer has been catapultin cows at it but it's fast.We don't particularly like all thet blue warsh all over our whitewarsh either.Look forward ta seein ya round tha hills little green
Mr.Quibblenot!!Your potential inmate H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

- Smokey Mountains, Tibet

Yes Mr.QuIbLoN sir,HillBilly Youngan here...again.No sir,No way,No how.Ain't no body building MY outhouse but ME!Why thets down right insultin!I'll have you know I have picked up every little rock and dug um outa tha earth all by myself!! I've mixed the mud and stomped all tha ruff spots out by my own little two bare feet!I don't need nor want no help wit MY outhouse.It's mine and mine you see.And anuther thang,this ones gona last ferever!I also thought you'd been around long enuf ta know we play banjers and fiddles along wit our spoons and jugs.Jest shows how much you know bout us.Beats alls I ever heard tell of!Not shore I'd want ye fer my sherriff after ye insulted me like thet now,mR qUiBlOn.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

Squire Chris - England

Sniff sniff - dae I smeel Whusky ???  Ay dinna ken tha smeel - its noo Scottish whusky !!!.... Odour scan tha planet Mrs Sassenach(chief engineer) !....... "yes yes - captain old chap ! "................"oh I say ! - the scans show an overwhelming stink coming from the Tibet region but I can detect a strong volatile odour coming from Woodbury in Tennessee"..........."CAPTAIN we have detected a Quiblonian vessel off the starboard bow - it seems to be flying a tartan flag ?"........"pull the Curtains to full Mrs. Spick(cleaning officer) - loch pipes on tae Quiblon vessel ".... "I ken nae see what tha tartan is - och tha's ma spare Kilt on tha ship !"........."wave tae tha Quiblon ship Mrs. Woo Hoo (signals officer) - sen em thae followin message"........' QUIBLON CAPTAIN - WAE ARE YE DOIN WITH MA KILT ? '

Captain James T.Kilt - o' the starship 'McGonagle'

Dear Sweet Boy Gladis,HillBilly Youngan here...again,it seems thet I's found you a potential womin!!Thets rite!!I'm not so sure you would be pleased tho,she is rather old fer her age.I thanks she's been in her outhouse a mite too long too.She was quite clear as to the purpose of her visit but she also kept mumblin sumptin under her breath bout Mr Qwimmley and a hybrid of some sort.Anyways,she said she was very anxious fer you Gladis ta gits here.She wonts ya ta meets her Semore,her son I guess,then she mumbled sumtin bout a fly trap from venus.She said thet
after she heard thet ye had a command over flies,thet she or Semore couldn't live witout you.I am a mite cunfuused I guess but thets sumptin!I'll be a lookin fer ya.Your H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Squire Chris,I Quiblon Exalted Commander of Spaceship Lxr4 and soon ter be Sherrif of Cannon County Tn,Give yor greetings! Honest guv! It 'as come ter my attention that yor soon ter be mate were recently freed from inprisonment by meself,We 'ave now located this female 'illbilly wiv the rn7 'illbilly detectin' device! Oi! If yer wish I can 'ave one of me scout class ships pick up yor intended mate and deliver 'er ter yer.O'course it will cost yer in Elixir and an invitation ter the weddin' festivities,Quiblon is curious as ter human customs regardin' this! Right! We need not be at odds,I Quiblon do not 'old a grudge over the unwashed Gladis bein' smellin' up me spaceship,wich 'as since been deodorized! Struth! I shall wait yor reply! Right! Quiblon Exlated Commander of spaceship lxr4

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Hexer,HillBilly Youngan here...again,You really had me goin thare.I feel much better now.I see thet yous the ones who is cunfuused.Course I's didn't know thet thare was a really big fishin pond in Georgie,and I thank thet it's called Atlanta not Atlantic.Big Sissy jest needs ta go south not north.She don't need no ships,planes or catapults.Course I kin let her search now fer her hearts desire since she ain't gona be goin thet fer.Didn't know how I's gona sway her ta marry up wit thet Hillbilly Buddy anyways.I really didn't want ta be lookin like thet blackeyed no lipped fool neither!Now bout tha H.B. I don't thank him n them is in outer space least not together.That Queenie has some serious family issues ta work out.Why he/she may have done tha old boy in.Ifin tha H.B. met up wit him/her and tried ta remind him/her thet he was his/hers great great grand sonny it may have been too much fer the old man/womin.Sides QuIbLoN needs tha H.B. ta git ta work on thet elixer.He could really use your big tea kettle,I beg ya fer tha sake of all our outhouses.Im not so sure your hexes could stop qUiBlOn ifin he gits really mad.Oh tell ye boy Cletus I's don't need no beer can outhouse,I'ma buildin me a castle outhouse out of tha stones of tha earth.It is nice ta know thet future outhouses can be re-cycled tho.Talk at ya later H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

My Dear good friend Mr Quiblon....... Please do not worry yourself about  JessyJane, although her absence is causing me some concern and making me extremely nervous ( much like a deer being stalked ...GULP)...Even the servants have been edgy lately and demanding danger payments. Everything was quite relaxed here while we knew she was wandering the New World for 'England ' however that dastardly Hexthrowr may have given away our secret and now he and yourself are ganging up on me to get her here ( GULP GULP ).  Any price they offer you in Elixir to deliver her - I WILL DOUBLE NOT TO...!
Your most devoted and sniveling friend, buddy, pal, servant ?

p.s. I WARNED you about James T Kilt didnt I ? - His ship carries the most deadly Bagpipes in the known universe.

Squire Chris - England

Oh wonders ovs wonders.....we bin listenin ta yon Gladis hoos bin learnin us ere ow ta liv oir loives an reach Nivany. Since e arroived we bin learnin all the toime abowt ow to train flies an that. Oi am not rely sures why it ave affected sum of ours bruvvers so badly an why theys trying to ang emselfes ? Anyways we ave learned ow nots to wash an to wears our cloves on top of the uvver ones so's we can keep us warm.  We aves changed all our Buddha statoos to pig ones an we all greets each uvver with a snort loike the mastta. We's canot fanks you enuf for sendin im ere and will nots keep im any longer on is journey as that wood not be fair on the rest ov the world whos needs is   wisdum.

Dalhi ah littlelonga, Temple of Gladis, Tibet

Mr. Quiblon(I'll stop pickin on yer name now.Jest was bein a bit flirtatious as I've been known ta be)HillBilly Youngan here...again,Ifin you would check back in yore files,I believe you calls em,I already done tole ya about our newly revised Wilburs Addition dictionarry.Yous may have ta purchase many differnt additions tho as there are as many volumes as there are hollers.You need to apply the rite one to the rite holler thet the hillbilly you're talkin to lives in, cause they are all differnt.Now don't thet make sence?Each one of us hillbillies likes ta be apprecitated.When ya git tha rite one,you'll see thet a banjer is a banjer.Now a fiddle mite be cunsidered a violynn.Jest depends on how fancy it is played.Now a shindig isn't painful at tall ceptin in tha mornin.We's all hopin thet Gladis will brang us some of them head bandages tho ta help us out wit thet ailment.Leg armour is a good idea tho,ever since tha town horse got outa tha horsepital he'sa been kickin everbody thet gits close ta him.Wish I had an armoured suit,he keeps throwin shoes at me!Hope thet gits some thangs straight.Ima mite touchy bout my outhouse as yous kin tell.Its good ta be passionate bout sumptin don't ya think?Well I's gotta go.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

WWHHeee,I would like to sayyy a feww wwords,WWHHEENIE,neighhh thats not one of them,in my defense I would just like to say that when that evil awwful old man of HillBilly Youngans knocked me out that dreadful night,he disgraced me to no end!It's a good thing they are keeping him locked up in jail for his own protection!I realize that I've been terribly rude to his little misses and for that I do apoligize.I am the town horse and I must raise myself up once again to my most esteemed position.NEIGHHH,I will not in the future throw anymore of my shoes at her.Not to mention the town council cannot find it in the budget to provide them any longer.Ofcourse they cut me off when it was discovered that I tied my reigns to the old mans bars as to pull them off so I could get my hoofs on him.WHEENIE!I made an oath to them that I wwould not look to my animalistic wways to solve my problems in the future.( If I could only get him in the stable tho)Your Town Horse and Hillbilly dictionary author,Wilbur.(I used to be a hillbilly horse,the towns people just think I'm a genious at translation)

WHEENIE WILBUR - WOODBURY'S WRITIN HORSE

THANK YOU

What have you humans done !? My translation specialist,who is called Bleezar,awoke from the regeneration tank and started speaking in nonsensical ways,What have you humans done to him? Have you used some mind control device on him? I had not thought you humans advanced enough to do such a thing! or perhaps he has just become mentally unstable from trying to decipher your human languages.Bleezar spoke in strange jibberish saying he "had a hankerin' for a hillbilly wife so's he can raise hillbilly youngins and watch soaps and is gonna get a outhouse fer himself."What does this mean?** He has beamed himself down to earth but we are unsure as to his exact location.My intelligence specialist believes he has gone to join forces with that odorous Gladis human because Bleezar has apparently disabled his ability to smell and that Gladis being was always going on about a hillbilly wife when he was here.**If you humans see Bleezar,contact me,so that we may come get him and install a new brain in him.

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

HillBilly Youngan here...again.I's jest had ta tell ya bout how dissapointed and disgusted I am.I went ta thet thare Renny sance festibal all gussied up n all.I wus sa lookin forward ta seein tha outhouses n all,I's jest kant believe how dissapointin n disgustin tha 'hole' thang wus.Theys wus blue! and they had no corn cobs! and theys had no levers nor chains neither!Talk a bout mid evil!I's don't knows how Prince Charles could be so proud of such a dissapointin n disgustin thang as thet!Why I's feels rite up-town wit my little ole down home outhouse.Makes me wunder whut I's so ex sited about.I must admit it was fun...ceptin tha outhouse part.I gotta see dragons..men ridin horses wit them thare pointy sticks...mens runnin round in tights n skirts...and also sum of them thare little people wit wings.Heard sum purty music even one blowin in a stick wit a bunch of other sticks wit a bag attached to um.I thanks theys called a bag of pipes, yea thets it.Hexer I's didn't see you thare.There wus sum for tune tellers thare tho.Didn't see no smoochin booth neither,I's purty dissapointed in thet too.Maybe yous be thare next time.Big Sissy wusan't wit me neither,sum of tha Youngans went wit me tho.Wells I jest wanted to report,I knowd yous all waitin anxiously ta hear bout my outhouse experence.Your soon ta be self-made outhouse princess..H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

Unbelievable!! I've been gone for ages, I come back and everything takes up right where it left off! The sheriff and the coach. Same old same old. By the way, people, FYI, just because some people write in and comment from other places, does not mean that they are not from Woodbury, haven't recently been to Woodbury, have no concern for Woodbury or have no right to comment on Woodbury. I think Woodbury should be taken on by the world as a special project, like Bosnia or something, don't you? Most of the "outsiders" who visit this site think that Woodbury is a myth, made up of imaginary figures like those who reside on the Woodbury Hillbillies website. Except most people LIKE the characters they find there! I love Woodbury and all of you guys but Lord have mercy!!! By the way, I am posting a 250,000 bleem reward for information leading to the idenity of Quiblon, the Exalted Commander!! WHO ARE YOU??? You are too funny. Please don't ever change. Please do come be the Sheriff of Woodbury. We desperately need the crap blown out of us!!!! (reference to one of Quiblon's recent threats regarding our outhouses) Sorry, Dave. I love ya, man. (Are you Quiblon, by any chance??) Joy to the world, ya'll
Unknown Poet

The ghost of Spell Checker just tapped me on the shoulder with his cold, dead hand, handed me a Polaroid of Bestest Speler in his strait jacket at the Home for the Hopelessly Illiterate and pointed out that I left the T off the word "identity". I beg forgiveness!! Now excuse me while I go change. I think I soiled myself.
The Frightened Unknown Poet

Unknown Poet,I'll see your 250,000 bleems and raise you a nickle to find out who Quiblon is and who Hexthrowr is too.Ya'll got me so dadblamed confounded I can't do my chores fer thankin about it!
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

I,Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spacecraft LXR-4 and soon to be Exalted Sheriff of Cannon County,Earth, Find it rather insulting that someone has suggested that I,the Exalted Quiblon am a lowly human being,this is not so! However Quiblon will forgive the insult upon delivery of those 250000 bleems of Elixir,you may keep the nickel. Quiblon has taken note that someone has been constructing an outhouse out of stones and mud,Quiblon thinks this would be good target practice for the LXR4's weapons systems.
<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Hey Hillbilly Buddy!!H.Y.here...again.Hey great news!!! Theys a widdow womin with a hankerin ta come n live here in woodbury.Yea at's hard ta believe but I thanks its true.Maybes you kin woo her n win her heart,since yous kant win Big Sissys.She sounds mity pashionate about it n all.Her names Miss Poet.,well its Miss Poet Laureyette Mcgonagle,I cant say it n I kin barely write it but maybe yous kin thank of a pet name fer her or sumptin.She says she's a theater usherette,we's aint got no theater here but she mite kin usher tha stock in at tha stock barn er sumtin.Whut do ya thank?Jest wonted ta let ya know.Well ifin Gladis likes Miss Buttercup n tha H.B. likes Miss Poet maybe wes kin all be happy in hillbilly heaven onced agin.Big Sussy will maybe happy in Georgie too.Sigh.Me Too when I gits ma outhouse done!Thet Quibaloney best be leavin it alone!Talk at ya later H.B. write back now ,ya here??

Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

Alright Mr Quibalony!HillBilly Youngan here...again.Yous jest better leave my castle outhouse aloney.!Ain't you tha one who said it wus our evil leaders who were responcible fer you settin far ta my old outhouse?!!I thank yous is sufferin from misplaced blame syndrome.An anuther thang ,yore sorces fer thet note wus me, thet done tole you thet I's buildin a new rock castle outhouse.Does you have ta make a note 'cause you kant remember nuttin??You make out like you so special!Like you have special powers fer findin info-mation!Watch it now!!N whuts a matter wit my nickle!Why it's like a millyon dollars ta someone who has nothin.At's tha only's nickle I has ta my name!You Mr Bleem man jest
don't understand its value!Target practice indeed,you need ta target sum practice on public relations ifin you gona be tha new sherriff!!Why you'll hog-tied,deep-fried and pickled ifin you don't watch yoreself!!You gosta learn thet ain't nuttin no hillbilly holds dearer than their outhouses... n stills.Get outa my at mos fere!!!!H.Y.gotta go,got sum rocks ta stick tagether...
Hillbilly Youngan - Woodbury(in the holler)

BLEEZAR ex translation specialist to the Exalted Quiblon

Aaaahh Broody Herr - wot you peoples fink of now ? Filst you go send big prane to nock down our flighter now you send tellibel stinkie Engrishman ? Wot for you do dat ? We give back Amerlican impeririast Fright clew - now spose you want back broody prane eh ? Bet you fink we not notice stlange stinkie man cleeping over border from Tibet eh ? We not that siwwy we have all sort detector at border - we send our top pirot, Hang Gli Da, to tly nock im back over bolder into Tibet but he no trained for such smell and now we tleat him for damage nostrils. We no fraid your stlange Engrish spy Gradis we still hav Gleat Wall which he no crimb and we shut gate.You tell seclet agent Gradis to go back to imperiest Engrand and take message to Queen Erizabeth that Peoples Lepubric of China too tough an crever to let stinkie Engrish spy get anywhere near Beijing. He may be crever man an pletend no understlandy Chinee - he just keep sayrin "Which way Woodbuly Hirrbirry Yung Won ? If he no go home we gone bomb clazy man wiv Lotus Brossom Nuke.

Hoo flung Dat, Gleat Wall of Chinee Peoples Guard an Kung foo expert

Hi ya bestes speler.this is yore #1 fan,H.Y.Glad ta see yore back!Have you been off furtherin yore edukation?I shore wish I could afford thet kinda learnin.Wy I put you rite up are wit Gladis boy fer bein so proper n fancy.Thankya fer postin sos I kin study yore endless wizdom of literal communikations.
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Im teh bestes speler in canon cownty. Juust fase facks thatt I amuh annd u wil bee mutch hapier.
Bestes Speler

Greetings Human Hillbilly Youngan, When Quiblon spoke of using an outhouse being constructed of stone for target practice,Did I say this outhouse was shaped as a castle? No! Quiblon did not say this,Perhaps you think you are the only Hillbilly who has built outhouses out of rocks?**As to your nickle,Quiblon does not need a nickle,nor does Quiblon have a pocket in which to store the nickle,therefore Quiblon has no place to put the nickle! **Now I, Quiblon,Exalted Commander of LXR4,shall ask a question of Human Hillbilly Youngan,You, Being a hillbilly,may be able to clarify this for Quiblon. Do you humans not live in structures called a house? and do you not hide your elixing devices in structures called a outhouse? Are not the houses you dwell in and make Elixir in both located "outside"? therefore are not all houses outhouses?

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Capt Kilt ! I trust you have recovered from the eau de gladis stink bomb by now. I wish you to convey the thanks of I,the Exalted Commander of LXR 4 to the Glasgow knitting circle for their offer of making a Kilt for myselft, however I Quiblon do not wear kilts,but thank the Human knitters for their offer. Captain Kilt, I the Exalted Quiblon offer you a business deal. I am reasonably sure I can get some odd human who throws hex,whatever those be.to offer me 5000000 bleems of Elixir to transport the intended bride of your relative Squire Chris to him in England, Your relative,however has offered to double the amount for me not to deliver her to him,I suppose this is some human mating ritual,but who can tell with you humans.This would be 10000000 bleems of Elixir that I the Exalted Quiblon would be willing to split with you.However,Quiblon does not wish to leave Squire Chris' wife to be stranded or worse,Perhaps the Knitting circle would allow her to join them on your ship? Let me know what you wish to do. Your Kilt which was stuck on our antennea will be transported to you shortly.

<exalted1@lxr4.ufo>

Captain James T.Kilt - o' the starship 'McGonagle'

Taek yae wee hand offa ma Kilt !!!

Quiblon , Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR4 & soon to be Exalted Sheriff and Supreme Commander of Cannon County,Earth

Moi deerest Hillbilly Youngan... I am sort of worried about the peoples round ere - they do not look so well as the other tribes. They as got a sort of yellowish colour and I av heard that its caused by a bad liver. Anyways - they seem quites an appy bunch but oi finks the sun is a bit bright for them cos they keeps squintin. They must ave lots of weddins around ere too cos the place is covered in rice although I needs my wellies cos the ground is very damp. I walked a long way but ave now come to the garden wall and cannot find a door and bell yet. Its a very high wall an oi can see people on the top who keeps wavin and shoutin at me and ave bin koind enough to throw me som food (although oi dont fink theirs crop can be so good cos lots of the veg is rotten). Oi finks they is trying to tell me where the bell is or to go somewhere that sounds loik that. They must ave quoit a big gardin cos the wall looks very long an if oi cannot find the garden gate oi will ave to walk around it. Hopin to see you on the over side very soon.. Loves Gladis !

- Rand of Flied Lice ( thats what it say on the soign ? )

You Clazy peoples you... We tlied Lotus Blossom Bomb but it no good on Gradis just made fries angly. Whole popuration of China now on this side of Gleat wall an it gettin broody clowded here. We tlied contactin Engrish Squire but hear he busy with Gleat Erection in Engrand an no takee notice of Chinee lequests. hokay hokay - you Amerilicans take clazy Gradis we leturn your ugry prane wiv all da clazy rights and switches - hokay ? If you do dat quickee - we flow in Flied lice an Plawn Balls for whole popuration - then we get back to Mah Jong Finals on Terevision? You clikee on rittle Dlagon button for full contlact and detail of special offer. Solly but take few minutes to downroad....!

Hoo flung Dat, Gleat Wall of Chinee Peoples Guard an Proplietor of Golden Dlagon Lestaulant

Dear Mr. Quiblon,HillBilly Youngan here...again,Onced agin you put me in ma place.Ya see I's jest so touchy bout ma outhouse.It's been blowed away n burned up and I jest don't thank I kin stand it ifin sumptin else happened to it!'Sides yous tha one whos been a threatenin our outhouses.Now from yore note,you may bees in all akuality a threatenin our livin in houses!I unnerstand ya bein cunfussed 'bout houses n outhouses, course I am too 'bout tha outhouses in England.That Squire Chris said hisin is inside. Now youve got me ritely cunfussed myself 'bout ours.Let me check tha Wilburs Dictionarry.Here it is:Houses.see shacks.OK,thats it' Shacks' n' shacks out back'.Thet should clear it up fer us all.Now a Shack is tha dwellin place fer all hillbillies.Theys cracks tween tha planks fer air conditionin n thares cracks in tha flores fer feedin tha dawgs n tha chickins ifin theys under thare and fer sanitashion purposes.Theys holes in tha roof fer fresh water when it rains.Thet helps in tha warshin of clothes,dishes and yoreself ifin it aint warm n ya dont feel like swimmin in tha creek.Now ifin yous a poor hillbilly yore shack may come equipped wit whut's known as a P-bucket.Thets self explanitory.But ifin yous industrious as I've been knowed ta be,you would have whuts called "A shack out back"Not in Austrailia but most likely in tha back yard fer away from tha house er shack which ever yous prefer ta call it.This takes tha place of a P-bucket and is much more civilized I thank.It helps in concentratin whiles yore readin n it also makes you apprecitate warm weather n moonlit nights.Theys a place ta keep yore corncobs n theys room ta hang yore feet down n let em dangle.So did thet help ya any?Course,back ta tha house n outhouse,ifin yous had a outhouse inside tha house it would'nt be a outhouse now wood it?Er by yore reasonin it wood make it:an inhouse in tha outhouse!!ooohhhh I gotsta find me sum chores ta do,youve givin me an awful headache......Pee S,I read yore new laws bout tha road kill,thank ya n ma youngans thanks ya.They shore likes playin wit tire irons.Oh n Ive heard of them thare indentured servants,I'd like ta meet one n see wheres they git them dentures. Gotta goH.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Greetings Human Squire Chris of England! **I,Quiblon first thought your asking me not to deliver your bride to be to you was part of some sort of elaborate human mating ritual,but perhaps this was a mistranslation by my brain damaged and missing translation specialist Bleezar. In fact I Quiblon symathize with your plight.**for this reason I have decided to help you as you asked by refusing the offer of that strange human who keeps firing cows out of a giant sling shot (for some reason know only to him) to deliver your bride to be to you in exchange for 6000000 bleems of Elixir.**as you offered to double any price in exchange for not delivering her, a total of 12000000 bleems of elixir-in 1 bleem jugs will ensure that you will not have,as you humans say a "ball & chain" delivered to you,**In fact your cousin Captain Kilt is extremely interested in having her come to his ship! **If you can manage it could you deliver 6000000 bleems in the form of scottish whusky and 6000000 bleems in hillbilly Elixir?,** I the Exalted and Generous Quiblon shall give the whusky part to Capt Kilt in exchange for taking your wife to be under his protection.**Perhaps You can convince your cousin to marry her,from reading her messages to her sister it would seem as though she should would not be happy feeding the animals and doing other menial chores on your estate.Quiblon thinks she would be happier pirating with Capt Kilt. Also perhaps you can explain to Quiblon What this sporran device is? is this the device the scots use to produce the substance whuskey?

Quiblon , Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR4 & soon to be Exalted Sheriff and Supreme Commander of Cannon County,Earth

Ms. Poet Lauryette, McGonagle heiress.

Exalted Commander Quiblon!! This is what is left of Bleezar!! Have you not received my SOS? My situation has grown excessively desperate! I fear I can't hold on much longer. I am dying of elixir deprivation and boredom. Please beam me out of here! Oh, if only I were still in possession of my brain, I could contact you telepathically. Perhaps I could contact you via my blaarnobleybutt. I shall try, Commander. It's my only hope. I contacted an old girlfriend that way once. The hillbillies are working on the elixing device that we beamed down to the hilltop over the next holler. They have chained me to the wood stove and me and Yellowjohn are watching Ma do the chores. She doesn't communicate much except in grunts and moans. Of the three, she is the most pleasant, I suppose. Except for the chewing tobacco ritual. She does make a mean fried potato. Perhaps I can persuade her to unchain me. This stove is getting quite warm. However, the heat is having a strange effect on me and seems to be reversing my appearance from human back to my former glorious self. Of course, its only on one side. Ma just ran out of the room and Yellowjohn has stopped licking me. That's a good sign, I think. Watching and waiting, Bleezar.

BLEEZAR ex translation specialist to the Exalted Quiblon

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Hiya Miss Poet - HillBilly Youngan here...agin,Ima mighty sorry ta here yous aint innerstid in tha Hillbilly Buddy,most likely not as sorry as he is tho.I jest gotsta find him a womin sos he'll leave my big sissy alone.I don't have no communikashones wit thet thare Kilt feller but I do nowe a sweet boy named Gladis.No offence but you look kinda old fer yore age too.You wouldn't by chance like pigs do ya?I thank thets a requirement fer Gladis.Gladis is a world traveler and he'sa great people person,y they do anythang he wonts em ta do.He's even been ta outer space.He'sa fancy talker an I thank he's awful perty too.(course I've never seen him)Theys anuther womin innersted in him ifin you ain't wantin him.I have ma suspicions tho thet thet Miss Buttercup has got a motive behind wantin Gladis.Whut do ya say Miss Poet?Oh n about tha odes.I dont like em not a'tall.I oded summone onced n I like ta never got um paid off.You kin keep um! Write me back Miss Poet.

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Dearest Baby Sister Hillbilly Youngan: Lordamercy! You will never believe whar I am at or what has done happened to me since I last talked to yuh! I caint bulieve it muhself.I jest keep penching muhself tuh see iffen I am dreaming it all up. I'm rightly bruised up black and blue already but I am purty shore I am awake and it's all truely true. Well, whut happened is this: I wuz asleepin in my nice jail cell when all of a sudden they wuz this big ex-plosion and the whole dang jail jest vaporized right around me! The bars jest melted into the purtiest silver color and the onliest thang left standing wuz the deputy Mr. Robards and tha coffee pot he wuz holding. When the smoke cleared, I noticed that his pants wuz all wet. I guess he spilled his coffee all over hisself. I dont know. But me and the other three innocint prisoners wuz jest a laying thar a staring at tha stars and wonderin what done happened to our purty jail and WHAM! I wuz jest taken up outta thar in the twanklin of an eye! I thought I wuz shorely dead and on my way ta heaven which kinda surprized me cause I know I been a bad girl and all but lands sakes! I wuz aflyin through space like an ole space rocket in the moving pictures and my head wuz a spinnin and my stomach wuz a heavin and they wuz buzzards a passin by me and doin double takes and everthang when WHOP! I wuz dropped down on this sandy little piece of land whar nothin wuz growin but these scary little critters called crabs and I done passed plumb out and left my senses.When I come to, I was in this beautiful mansion with all these strange thangs a lookin at me and I wuz a mite skeered till this man named Mr. Butler told me to not be afeared and he give me some milk and cookies and said everthang would be alright. I asked him whar I wuz and how I got thar and he said that "my new owner would explain all of that to me shortly." I wuz puzzlin over that fer awhile and not really shore I wuz in muh right mind jest yet but now that I been here for a few weeks, I reckon I have got everthang figgered out and whut happened is this here: I am at a place called Neverland out here in Californey. It is a shorely wonderful place with ferris wheels and a zoo and lakes and moving pictures and its own little train and all kinds of amazing thangs. The owner is a big time rock and roll star name of Micheal Jackson. He says he's a man but the dude looks like a lady to me. He also says he's a black man but he looks like a white lady to me. It's purty confusing but he's right nice to me and he give me a real nice room to stay in with a monkey name of Bubbles and a stuffed Bigfoot monster and a flyin saucer and a mummy and the Elephant Man's bones. He keeps tellin me I'm "his most prized possession in his collection" but I tole him I don't take kindly to bein no possession of no girl nor man and all but he jest giggles and taps me on tha head and says "Hush." That Butler feller tole me he thanks I'm "a Crow-Magnun of dubious gender" , whatever that is, and told me to enjoy myself as long as I could cause Mr. Jackson gits bored easy with his collection and then puts them away and finds hisself sumthin else ta play with. So! That's whar I am at and I thought I better email you and tell ya so's you wouldn't git too worried about yore big sissy. I know you must be. I saw the story on the CBS evening news about the jail a disappearin and them a cartin off the pore deputy in a straight jacket, a still holdin on to that coffee pot, and them other three innocint prisoners done took off fer parts unknown and the whole town in a uproar so I knows yuh gots to be kinda upset. So, that is whut done happened and whar I be and everthang is alright and I like this Californey and that monkey feller and even that Bigfoot but I don't much care fer them Elephant Man bones. I has ta listen ta Mr/Ms Jackson's songs on tha juke box all day long and memorize all tha words and repeat em back to 'im when he gits off the ferris wheel and I'm a gittin purty tard of that but otherwise, I am jest as happy as can be and life is jest a bowl of cherries and it shore beats plowin the lower 40 and ridin all over tarnation a lookin fer that Squire feller that I don't even thank really exists anyway. I bout done lost interest in 'im and his old moats and servants with ammunition and funny way of talkin and stuff. I'm gonna stay here fer awhile and larn all about these strange Californey people and they ways. It's a whole new world, I tell ye!! It's like I been ab-ducted off to anuther planet er sumthin! WHOO! Well, tell everbody I said Hey and I love yall and everthang. JessyJane Hicks, former outlaw and now Prize Possession of the Micheal Jackson Collection of Unusual Oddities. haha (I aint makin that up, that's whut he done tole me) Tell Pa I miss him

Yore pore Big Sissy, JessyJane

Dear sweet Big Sissy,HillBilly Youngan here...agin,I's jest so proud ta here from ye!Sorry yore vacation got cut short,I hear thet jail isa mighty fine place ta stay.Lordamercy,yous all tha way in Californie!!At's more than a hop,skip n jump from here.I wish ye wuz closter ta home but as longas yore happy.I must admit I's ritely concerned bout thet thare Micheal Jackson feller,but I knowes you innersted in his work in rocks n stars.So's he's an astronemer n an geologist n archeologist? You said he had sum elephant bones?Thets perty impressive!He probably has a hard time draggin round thet big foot tho.He may need yore assistence or maybe he'sa wantin yore shoes fer thet big foot.You bee careful now,seems like every man isa wantin sumptin.Quiblon isa wantin ta hand ye over ta Mr.Kilt,n a'course tha H.B. is still a pining fer ya Pa isa wantin ye ta git back home so's ye kin help Ma wit tha chores.I'ma coverin thangs as best I kin,but Pa isa afierd I'll git plum wore out takin keer of them n theirs an Grandpa Pappy Youngan's's place n my place too(My old man has 10 brothers but never had no sisters).Thets about 40 cows ta milk,60 hogs ta slop,100 chicken coops ta check.Hay needsa cuttin an a bailin n a haulin,thets about 10 fields n weeds needsa pullin n butter needs a churnin,since Myra Elvira has run off.At's all she'd ever do anyways.I'ma having a great time trying ta keep up tho,I luve a challenge!.Still gotsta finish up ma Castle outhouse,all most done wit thet too.Well Big Sissy you take keer an write me when you git a break from recitin them songs.I'll be a waitin! Gotta go, them youngans of mine is a fightin wit them tire irons agin.Luves you n all,yore lil' sissy,Hillary Billy.

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Dearest Quiblon I ain't a pickin but I'ma grinnin, HillBilly Youngan here...agin.I jest don't know whut ta say,ceptin THANK YA fer defendin ma outhouse(shack out back)It nearly brung a tear ta ma eye when I read yore message!Thets tha sweetist n bravist thang annywun has ever dune fer me.Now,bout tha Wilbur's Dictionarry,I onlys got one copy fer myself.Ifin I gave it ta you, how would I know whut Ima talkin about?Sides,I done tole ya you need one fer the specific holler the hillbilly yore talkin to lives in.Now theres at least 8 volumes fer tha 8 hollers.You will have ta contact Wilbur in tha big city ov Woodbury.I don't go thare much myself,I allays git lost n turned around n Wilbur had ta give me a ride home last year when I went.Course thets before my old man knocked him out n got 11 months n 29 days in tha pokey.Hes onlys got about 9 mo. n 29 days now.Anyhows,I thanks Wilbur went on tha Memory Day Ride this weekend.Wouldn't at make it more than jest a Day ride?Well theys go up to Short Mountain ta camp.Thares anuther contraditshone,Short Mountain is tha tallest Mountain around here.Oh well,you may have ta give Wilbur a few days ta recover.When he goes on tha ride his hillbilly redneck nature really comes out!I jest can't believe he was voted in as the town horse.On ta Big Sissy,a parrently you ain't heard tha news!She's in Californie!Wit sum feller who works wit rocks n stars in a place called Neverland.He's got a monkey and a big foot,he's kinda black n white n is either a he or a she.Big Sissy wusan't shore.Anyhows she's done give up on Squire Chris.Not shore whut she thanks ov Mr Kilt.I apprecitate yore kindness ta me n all but forgive me fer thankin yous playing both sides of tha field.You would deliver anythang ta tha one who provides tha most elixer,ama I right?.Sum of us sak o taters are one shy of bein full but I ain't n I got eyes too.Now I nowes Mr Kilt is innersted in Jessy Jane n also tha Hillbilly Buddy.It sounds like Mr Micheal Jackson is too.Mr Squire Chris will pay you ta keep her.Ma Big Sissy is jest a pawn in yore game ain't she?I jest can't help ye either way as fer as thet goes,Big Sissy's gota foller her heart ye know.Talk at ye later Mr.Quiblon

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Commander Quiblon Feller: This be Hillbilly Buddy here. I got yore message yestidy but I weren't quite shore iffen it wuz you or that mess of possum Ma cooked up fer supper maybe had gone bad. I had an awful headache and bellyache after I et and then I started hearing voices and such so I laid down and tried to listen real hard to whut they wuz sayin. I been hearin voices in my head now fer about five years since the Big Still Exploshon of '96. It gits kinda noisy in thar sometimes. A nip of ole Red Nose helps it some. Anyhows, I got quieted down and concentrated and I started writin down whut the loudest voice wuz sayin and I reckon it wuz you. But that strange feller that me and Pappy had caught out in the hawg pen and has had tied up in here fer a spell got away a couple of days ago and run off with my hound dog, Yellowjohn and we caint find him nowheres. We thought he wuz a revenooer until he turned green on us whilst he wuz chained to tha wood stove. Ma wuz a fryin some taters and stuff when he went and changed colors on her and stuff started popping outta his pointy head and he started talking in some kinda squeaks and whistles. Ma wuz skeered clean outta her mind! It took me and Pappy all night to git her to come down outta that cedar tree! She thought he wuz the Devil hisself. He broke the wood stove and stole two jugs of elixer and I don't know if Yellowjohn went with him by choice er against his will, but he's gone. Also all of the fried taters Ma wuz a fixin. But that's whut happened and I thank ye fer a contactin me telepathic-like and warnin me about him. I reckon if we had known he wuz jest an alien, we wudn't have tied him up in no toe-sack and not let him drank no Red Nose. We thought he wuz a revenooer. And we hate revenooers! By the way, he didn't have no toes when he changed colors, Ma said. She said he looked like a big green inner tube with a tv antenna on it. I don't rightly know but I kinda thank he's yore translatin feller that's missin. I looked this mornin and on the floor by whur the wood stove used to be, thar wuz written the words: BLEEZAR WUZ HERE. I hope yall find him. I miss my dawg. Yore human hillbilly friend, Hillbilly Buddy. I guess I kin git back to trackin down muh long lost sweethart, JessyJane now. Yall take keer and let me know iffen I can help ye agin. Me and Pappy is still a workin on that still over yonder. We's havin trouble areadin tha directions on account of we caint read.

Hillbilly Buddy (an Clara ma Chicken)

Squire Chris - England

Hexthrowr

Yeah My aim has been a little off,but I will get that marshmellow warehouse sooner or later
Hexthrowr

Dear Hillbilly Friends, Just a reminder to you'ins that when you fire up the grill for your cookout,it is not a good idea to pour 10 gallons of gasoline on the charcoal before lighting it,Even though from the top of my hill all those fireballs are quite pretty at night.
Hexthrowr

Chris!Welfare glasses indeed !! After I have been entertaining your Queen as a house guest on her stay in the USA,and allowing Her Majestie's butler to make tea with my nuclear tea kettle I should think I would at least rate gold framed glasses and Knighthood. Cherrio old boy!
Hexthrowr
The magic 8-ball and tarot cards agree-Michael and Latoya Jackson really are the same person !
Hexthrowr

Hummmm....whut hav we here?Stuck on one of ma sticky mouse traps?It's round n black n theys water in it wit some messages in it.Whut has happened ta ma chickins!?Theys layin funny eggs fer shore.Whut has thet Hexer done done to em?
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Ms. Poet Lauryette, McGonagle heiress..

LoveKitten@drivein.com Phone # 555-777-5420

(or the beginning, I hope!)

Dear english feller Mr. Squire Chris,HillBilly Youngan here...agin,I jest hav ta ask ye bout ma boy Gladis's Moma.Have you been a lookin after her since Gladis has been gone?I knoes you useta give em veggies at the village social,ye know when you'd throw them at Gladis?Also has his Moma gotton any new skins ta make her sum new clothes wit?She's jest been on ma mind and I wusa wonderin how she wusa doin.I'm shore she isa missin her precious boy by now.Does she knoe thet he is at thet great stone fence in Chiny?Thet he can't find tha gate?Well you rite me a line when ye got tha time,ya hear?H.Y.

Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA

Neigh,neigh,neigh..neigh.Oww no,I'm back in the hospital.I knew I shouldn't have gone on the ride when i saw all of those hillbillies.Everything was fine until wwe made camp.Those hillbillies wwas getting ready to cook out and I tried to get out of the wway...but it was too late.THE FIRE..the fire.How can I ever show my face,neck,back,sniffle,sniffle...and tail in town ever again.I'M A
WHEENIE WILBUR - HAIRLESS HORSE!!!Wheeennie...och..wheenie...och

Hexbury Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com

Oh and one other thing Ms Queen of England !! that butter pie you liked so much was really made out of margarine! do you feel your arteries starting to clog yet? Don't let the lightning bolts hit you in the rump on your way off my hill ! If you return my super magic 8-balls perhaps I will be nice and direct you safely through the minefield at the bottom of my hill,the mines are expensive and I would like to keep them for intruders who are worth the expense.
topodahill@almostgotmynewcatapultrady.com>
Hexbury Plantation, Tennehex US

WOODBURY HILLBILLIES - CHAPTER 3

Squire, the Fancy Englishman

Thank ya'all fur stoppin by - now if'n ya wanna pay yo're respects to that there ole WBRY Page ( a mighty fine place ! ) Ya'll can click on that this here lil'ole button !

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