EE
The
WOODBURY HILLBILLIES
EPISODE 3
(click the band if you dont hear the music )
If'n yo got sum time on yo're hands ya'll can send a message
for the page by clickin on that thar Squire fella down thar bottom.
has fallen madly for a purdy Tennessee Hillbilly Girl
(Hillbilly Youngan ) who is happily
married with a bunch of Youngans herself. Gladis is too stupid to see his Love is in vain
and is trying desperately to reach his Love in Woodbury but has a poor sense of
direction.Having found his way to Tennessee ( but really Russia, India, Pakistan, Tibet)
he is now in China ( also believing its Tennessee)and is not far from his love.
Meanwhile:- Hillbilly
JessyJane
( Youngans big sister) is hankering after getting her hands on a An English
Country Squire and is doing her darnest to make her way to England - with a sense of
direction equal to that of Gladis. Having bussed and walked herself to almost every town
called England in the USA she has been abducted (briefly) by an Alien (Quiblon) and
dropped off at Neverland to spend a short break from her travels with a strange person
called Jackson.
Hillbilly Buddy 
having
been rejected by the lovely ( ? ) JessyJane, has given up the bottle and taken to the
still and is hoping to make his fortune trading Elixir and Outhouses with the Alien,
Quiblon.
The Exalted Quiblon 
Commander
of Spacecraft LXR4, has discovered the secret locations of the Elixir stills and is busy
trying to trade for the wondrous liquid with Hillbilly Buddy and the strange Capt. Kilt 
of the Starship McGonagle and has offered to supply him in return
with various women for his Glasgow Ladies Knitting Circle and Starship crew.
Messages spin across the world with
additional comments from Hillbilly relatives and friends ' The True Queen of England '
(Certified Nut ) and other equally nutty Hexthrowr 
whos eyesight is
begining to cause great concern in the town of Woodbury.
READ ON…..
Thus Speaketh Quiblon**Inferior Humans! I
Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR4 and Soon to be Exalted Sheriff and Supreme
Commander of Cannon County,Earth.Have received several complaints regarding the way you
treat the Human Hillbillies in your midst*Considering it takes you non-hillbillies 12-16
years of your primitive education to be able to find employment working for some company
that makes a substandard and watered down form of Elixir, whereas, a Hillbilly after 4 or
5 years in your primitive education system has gained the knowledge to produce the
substance Elixir potent enough to power a starship.therefore ad it only takes the Human
Hillbilly 4-5 years of schooling to produce a better Elixing formula than the
Non-hillbilly human who requires 12-16 years to produce an elixir that is not fit for use
as heatshield cleaner It is quite obvious that the Human Hillbilly is in fact superior to
the non-hillbilly human,therefore you non-hillbilly humans are hereby ordered to treat
Hillbilly Humans with respect lest I,Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 come to
the defense of Hillbillies by destroying your inside outhouses!,Quiblon has Spoken! A note
of wisdom-never land your Spaceship in Austin Texas when those Bush Girls are home from
school unless you put a lock on the errr fuel tanks
QUiblon,Exalted
Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 <exalted1@lxr4.ufo
- Stonehenge UFO landing and Picnic area, USA
My Dear Hillbilly Youngan…please rest assured that Mother Gladis is being taken care of and in good health. While Young Gladis is off on his travels she has been fully occupied keeping the flies off the pigs and is nice and cosy in their little sty. Most of the time she sits happily knitting and re-knitting Gladis's old socks (which of course also helps with the fly problem) and sipping at her Gin bottle with a smile on her face. Our troubles with foot and mouth have completely passed her by ( as has everything else )and she anxiously awaits word from her beloved son which we have to read to her. She has it in her mind that once young Gladis is settled in the new world he will send for her to join him and will have her own little sty alongside his in Tennessee. She has also been busy putting together a family tree for young Gladis but apart from not knowing her own father ( or his for that matter) she is having trouble sticking the first branch on to the bark. Oh well its going to be a very small tree anyway.
Squire Chris - England
Poor Wilbur!! Don't you know those Hillbillies wouldn't have cooked you unless they ran you over with a pickup first ! Remember that shoe you hit that Hillbilly Youngan girl with? Well i would bet she came up behind you and gave you a little push towards that fire to get revenge on you. You best stay in that horspital till your hair grows back or that sheriff feller will throw you in the jail house if he sees you running about town naked and all..
Hexbury
Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com
Hexthrower: Here are your balls back. Some are missing. You will find them in the next hollow at the Youngan residence. Of course, they are in a slight state of disrepair. Seeing the poor darling trying to fry them in a cast iron skillet along with bacon and hash browns was quite worth the trouble of depositing them in her sticky mousetraps in the dead of night. My two companions and I will never forget the sight of it! She never even noticed us watching her through the window as she is used to being watched. As for you, sir, your rudeness is only exceeded by your poor wizardry and lack of culinary skills. The impudence! (By the way, I found the magazine you got your Wizard Certificate out of Mad Magazine, I believe it was.) Hexes, indeed! If you could really do magic, you would fix your teeth! Also, your resident ghost told me that Marie Antoinette and King Louis were never actually there....he just told you that! You'll believe anything he tells you. Where I come from, we call people like you absolute lunatics!! Imagine making Butter Pie out of margarine! I sincerely hope you do donate those ruined ribeyes to the County. I would love to send you a card at the Jail. I can just hear it now.....".but Sheriff, it wasn't me, I swear! It was the Queen of England!! " We are keeping your old catapult. My new friend and servant has a marvelous ability to levitate the contraption and we are riding it around the hills of Woodbury like a chariot. (Let's see YOU do that!) Good day and Good Riddance to you!! The True Queen, the Butler and Bleezar, the Wonderful Wizard of Woodbury. (All those stupid balls ever said was "Try again")
I saw sumptin mighty strange,HillBilly youngan here...agin.This mornin early,I's got up
fer sume quiet time ta check ma flares and plants when I hears sumptin strange.I's looks
up an saw sumptin flyin thru tha air.It looked like two men,one in a evenin gown and ta
other in a suit holdin a pot o tea er sumptin straddled whut looked like Hexer's
catapult!Then at tha front wuz a green sumptin with a whip,yellin" on phliffer, on
phliffer"and thare wuz thet purple flying pig a pullin em thru tha air!A yeller hound
dog was on tha back,tail a waggin.Also,apparently theys stole all ma chickins black eggs
wit tha messages in em cause they wuz a fallin outta tha sky all around me!Don't
knoe how they got around ma yeller sticky mouse traps but theys got in n out sumhow.Well
I'm gona pick up all these funny eggs n fix sum breakfast ifin they say I kan.Tha last one
I fried up,I asked ifin it tasted good and it said"Don't think so" so I throwed
it out.Gotta go
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Hi all!This is your Hostess Twinkie,hope you will forgive my long absence.I quit my job
after the Woodbury town folks got all rialed up over the Hillbilly saga.Now I see its made
a great comeback!.According to the statistics there are more than 959 viewers!I have been
visiting home for awhile.It was nice to get back to Bakersville.I missed my lil
sisters they are such cute cupcakes!I missed my mother too,she is such a honey bun and
Daddy ,he's a real gem...I have the sweetest family!I also met up with an old
boyfriend,he's still just as stale as the day we met,but I found somebody new now, he's a
real zinger!!! It's good to be back!
HOSTESS TWINKIE
Dearest HillBilly Youngan,this is Iris Rose Buttercup once again.I would like to inquire if you have any news on the whereabouts of Gladis?I am most anxiously awaiting his arrival.My seamore is just 'dying' to see him as well!We cannot wait for him to get here much longer as he is in need of a good meal.If anything happens to Seamore,I am certain that I would be forced to step down as the president of the Woodbury Garden Club! I managed to keep my position after the Gladis/Elvis hybrid episode by promising to show the largest venus flytrap at the summer show but if Gladis doesn't show up soon I will most certainly be de-famed once again.Not to mention Seamore keeps looking at me...drooling. Respond hurriedly,I beg you!!
Rose Iris
Buttercup,President of the Woodbury Garden Club
Hiya Ms Buttercup!HillBilly Youngan here...agin.I'm sorry ta tell ye but I's really don't knoes where Gladis boy is.I hear tell he is in Chiney at a really big stone fence a lookin fer tha gate.Now I don't knoe where this place called Chiney is,but I thought he wuz in tha Smokey Mountains in Gatlinburg an wuza gettin perty close and now I's don't know whur he's at!I never heard of no Chiney tween here n there a fore.Dolly ,ye know Miss Dolly Parton,she never did say ifin she saw Gladis so I recken he never made it ta Sevierville.I wish I could tell ya more.If ya don't mind me a askin,why is yore Semore so anxious about a meetin Gladis?Also,what has thet got ta do with a fly trap from Venus? I jest use a fly swot myself.Would ya like me ta send you one? H.Y.
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Hexer!Hey Hexer!I heard what ye said!HillBilly Youngan here...agin.I didn't even go on tha ride!I got to many chores ta enjoy doin so's I don't have time ta go off an work on re-laxin like sum of yall.Why I would never harm Wilbur!He is truley near n dear ta ma heart.Why do ya thank I'ma lettin ma old man serve his time witout raisin a fuss?I knoe tha truth about Wilbur n someday I'll tell him when I knoe he kin handle it.I wus mighty sorry ta hear whut happened ta him.I jest don't unnerstand him not knowin ta stand back when us hillbillies are a cookin out.He should knoe better!He wusa tryin ta convince them town folks thet ain't nuttin like us hillbillies.You'd thank he'd already done convinced em since he's already tha town horse.I guess it jest a struggle witin himself.Now yous tha one who likes ta reek havoc not me!Don't you be spreadin no more lies 'bout me now ye hear?I'll talk at ye later.H.Y.
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
The tea leaves and crystal ball reveal that the Cannon County Sheriff is searching for a Hillbilly Girl they suspect of poking the town horse in the rear with a big sewing needle causing him to jump into the fire,singing all his hair off.
Hexbury Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com
Ok Quiblon ,now Ľou have went and riled us true americans .We shall come out from our
hollows and kick your intergalactic butt back into the skys . We did not mind when Ľou
went and took the elixir from the cityfied cousins . When Ľou put designs on our high
octane love potion Ľou made a dreadful mistake !! I always said u could not trust an
alien , and Ľou proved me right . We shall vanquish you . and if we need help our cousins
from across the pond will help . The way to a strong america is the best elixir with a
reduced tax burden . Keep american strong ,,,, American First
America
First
OKAY,WHAT THE CRAP HAS AMERICA FIRST BEEN SMOKIN'? CAUSE YOU ARE DEFFINATELY NOT ON THE
SAME LEVEL WITH US CANNON COUNTIANS. WHAT DOES ALL THAT RIBBISH MEAN??????PLZ TELL ME,I
WOULD LOVE TO KNOW.
Name: *-* <WHAT?>
*_* you do not have to yell ,. We can read you!!! Elixit is a beverage not as you
suggest a form of cannibus , though maybe you have been drinking to much of your stale
bong water . I am sorry that my weak attempt at humor has eluded you . At least part of my
goal was achieved , something reacted . SHEESH AMERICA FIRST
America First
Ok,what is ribbish,elixit,bong water and this love potion you're talkin about?
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
OMG. that t was drunk and fell in front of the r . We all know that elixir is the
things that dreams are made of . But that jealous t had to get in the way or the r . I say
lets chastise the letter t ,,off with its tittle .. omg , even the american tittles are
proud ,,,,America first
America
First
That is Exalted Quiblon to you America First! The British will not help you,as I and my
Ally Capt Kilt now control their Whuskey supply.Whilst all you humans were busy each
minding his own business,I Quiblon and my allies have taken control of your odious world's
supplies of Elixir.But Quiblon is Compassionate to those who are his allies and those
beings willing to grovel at the Exalted Quiblon's feet for a snort of Elixir. Quiblon has
Spoken
Mr. Exhumed Quiblon sir :********* Now we really do know that there were aliens in
Roswell. I happen to believe that you have been drinking to much elixir that has been
distilled through a raditor , so have a metal inbalance (ie lead ). If the British will
not help us defeat you then we shall be forced to get the US goverment involved . I
promise you if any one can defeat you osha can , soon you will not be able to fly your
puny craft due to the new safety regulations . If that does not produce the desired
results the irs will surely make you tremble, soon you will be reduced to subservient peon
who has to work almost half a year to pay your taxes . NO Mr Quiblon sir , you landed in a
bad area and now you are screwed !!!! One way or another us americans will surely overcome
you and your kind ....LOL .......... AMERICA FIRST
America
FIrst
Dear True Queen, I do think you forgot to take your thorazine today Your Highness or maybe you need another Electric Shock treatment at the state hospital.this Bleezar feller, isn't he the same one that was running around town claiming to be Napoleon till he was netted and carted off by those fellers in the white suits awhile back? by the way I think that Elton will make a better Queen than you and guess what? as Elton is in England and you are in Tn the only throne you will get to sit on is one located in a shed with a crescent moon cut in the door.While Elton will be using the throne in the janitors room at Buckingham Palace. Just something for you to think about.By the way the Ghost is a she,who used to live up nawth in yankeedom but moved her haunt down south for the fresh air,brought her own axe too!
Hexbury
Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com
(COW ASS. FOR SHORT) IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE MYSTERIOUS BIRTH OF A FINE NEW BABY COW. (SEE PHOTO ON DAILY NEWS PAGE FOR FRIDAY) AS WE ONLY HAVE THE ONE COW AND NO BULLS, WE ARE EXTREMELY MYSTIFIED AS TO HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED. AFTER THE RASH OF COW CATAPULTINGS AND MUTILATIONS, WE WERE DOWN TO ONE LONE COW BUT ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE ARE NOW UP TO TWO!! THE PREVIOUSLY PLANNED RODEO SCHEDULED FOR THIS WEEKEND WILL STILL BE HELD BUT DUE TO THE ABSENCE OF CATTLE, WE WILL BE ROPING HOGS AND DUCKS. WE REALISE THAT THIS WILL BE A LITTLE OUT OF THE ORDINARY FOR YOU COWBOYS OUT THERE BUT WE HOPE YOU WILL STILL PARTICIPATE IN THE EVENT. A SPECIAL PRIZE WILL BE AWARDED TO THE WINNER THAT CAN STAY ON THE MALLARD THE LONGEST. PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO STOP BY AND FEED OUR NEW BABY CALF, MIRACLE. WE ARE POSTING A $25.00 REWARD TO ANYONE THAT CAN EXPLAIN WHERE MIRACLE CAME FROM. OPEN TO LOCAL RESIDENTS AND ALIENS ALIKE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT. DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR BI-MONTHLY NEWSLETTER "THE COW ASS.NEWS". SEE YOU AT TONIGHT'S RODEO AND GOD BLESS DAIRY PRODUCTS!
Human America First**Quiblon laughs at your backwards government.Although Quiblon does
have agents in high places in your government,I have found the Hillbillies to be much more
efficient.Why my agents in your government all wear black suits and dark sunglasses
Quiblon can only guess at,but knowing the silliness of you humans,Quiblon is not
suprised.It was nice of your government to build the Resort/Casino for Extraterrestrials
out at Roswell and Although I,Quiblon,Am not inclined to gambling I do like to take a dip
in the hydrazine pool they have at the hotel,it is very relaxing.Your President has been
asking Quiblon to convince that Marvin being on Mars to stop shooting down your primitive
spaceprobes but I Am unsure if I will speak to Marvin on his behalf after your President's
daughters tried to drink the Elixir tanks empty on the LXR4 while I was a guest at his
ranch in texas.Fortunatly our tanks are full again,so the LXR4 once again has plenty of
umm err ahhh fuel !
QUiblon,Exalted
Commander of Spaceship LXR-4
Hillbilly Youngan, Have you found any of my magic 8 balls around,they are about 6" in diameter and are black with white 8s painted on them? I doulbe checked with the Tea leaves and crystal ball & they insist that the sheriff is looking for a hillbilly girl who poked wilbur with a big needle.You say you didn't do it and thats good enough for me,I believe you ! maybe they are looking for another Hillbilly Girl,or maybe your sister is back from Californy or maybe that True Queen is trying to frame you ? Oh!!!! My new catapult is ready for a test firing!! now where are all them cows hiding at? hmmmmmmmmm
Hexbury Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com
Whilst everyone else was drinking the exhalted elixir or tasting stale bongwater, I
have been sampling Cannon County's own homemade wine. Refreshing bouquet and all that.
Still, it seems to get the job done. It is also a mite tastier than ye old Boone's Farm.
Keep up the good work bubba and send some more of that homemade wine my way. Thanks.
Hollerin'
Dear Wheenie Wilbur: Hello and how are you? This is Magic, the talking cat. I have been keeping up with you and your plight on the webshite here and I jush wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I, too, am intelligent beyond my years and find it very hard to interact with these shumans. I try sho hard but you know....... I really need shomeone to talk to shince my shrink died so I wondered if the two of us could be friends? Not too many animals actually talk in my neighborhood so it gets pretty lonely. All my owner ever says is shtupid things like "Hey, Magic, Wagic, how's my little kitty boy? C'mere and give mommy a little kissy wissy." Sheesh!! That gets old after the first 30,000 times you hear it! How I long for a decent convershation! There is only sho much a feline can shtand. I shneak and watch the Dishcover Channel and TLC whenever she leaves but I need shomeone to talk back to, you know? Shince you wrote your own dictionary, I figured you'd be interesting. Sho, what do you shay? Can we be friends? You know, cat to horshe? I wrote a book too, once. It was called "Training Your Shuman To Cater To Your Every Whim". It was a best sheller. Here is my email address. Write me! Your new pal, Magic the Moo. (Don't ask.) I guessh you noticed that I have a lisph. Shorry. Catsruletheworld@litterbox.com I live in Big Rock. How far ish Woodbury from here? Do you have to crossh any water?
Magic,
the talking cat
HEY HEXER! HillBilly Youngan here...agin,whut are you a talkin about?Whut is a majic 8
ball?Yore majic 8 balls sound alot like them funny eggs ma chickins have been layin.Course
you'd knoe that since yous tha one who hexed em!Wusant you?They ain't no more of em,I et
em all(at least tha ones thet said I could)Theys tha hardest eggs ta crack n tha hardest
eggs ta fry thet I ever did see!N they wus tha nastiest tastin eggs I ever et,why they
tasted like them thare playstic jugs I sneek n burn thet Pa refuses ta throw away(cause we
might use em sumday),n they are down rite rude too!It wus tha most exasperatin breakfastes
I ever had.THANKS A LOT HEXER!Now I done tole you it wusan't me who poked Wilbur.I thank
tha story is a fabrukation anyways.Everyone knows you don't have ta be in tha fire at a
hillbilly cookout ta git singed.You just have ta be close to it.Wilbur jest don't wonta
take tha blame himself.And I know thet Queenie is after me cause I know she's tha
Hillbilly Buddy's great great granddaddy so Ima expectin him/her ta do sumptin. Thets why
I check ma sticky mouse traps ever day...I gave a holler to tha horsepital whur he's at n
they said he's up to sume stubble now.Wont be long til it'll be long agin.Now,about ma
cows,don't you be lookin at my cows!I'ma havin nuff trouble wit tha cow ass.a wontin em.I
tole em thet theys got holes in their udders,which I kinda like cause tha milk just
squirts out all by its self .Takes a lot less effort n all I have ta do is pull tha duck
tape off when theys ready (course I have ta gits em out of tha loft after I do thet).I
tole tha cow ass. thet my cows didn't care nuttin bout show business, thet they were
hillbilly cows only cuncerned wit supply n demand.They don't care bout tha lime lite, just
tha moon lite.Now you jest find you sumptin else ta catapult!Maybee you should contact
thet english feller,Squire Chris n git him ta send you some of them thare haggises.I hear
tell they are 3/4 legged creatures wit 1/2 leggs shorter than tha others.They likes
whiskey n when they git skeered they fall all to piecies.Catapultin them would be perty
intertainin.Leave ma cows n chickins alone,do ya hear?!I gotta go,got sume duck tape ta
pull....
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Chinee peoples most upset with Amerlican Plesident - we give back sirry prane wiv all pletty corored rights but Amelican Plesident do lunner on deal ! We ask him take away Broody Smerry Gradis an get back emair flom Bush say " No Speaky Chinee " ….. ! Who he try to foor - he no speakie ENGRISH - broody Texanee !!! We say - "hokay hokay - you tly be funny - we be funny too an next time we flow our old Jet pranes at someone erse's sirry big prane wiv rights and big TV alials ! - you no wanee business - we take to Lussians " We also tell all seclet Chinee agents to sod up washee and not crean Amerlican underwear ploperly - you wait you get itchy bum - you all brame GEORGE W.BUSH ! Now you broody sirry Engrish now have done your Gleat Erection - you come take back hollible Gradis ! We vely knackered now - cannot buird anymore wall - lunning out of blicks ! We armost reach Kolea now - been so busy tlying to beat hollible Gradis to end of Gleat Wall. If we no makie finish Gleat wall soon Gradis gonna get lound end !!! You get one more week before we all jump up an down and makee great Earthquakee in San Flansisco where all gays lun alound clying an do each others hair before world end.
Hoo flung Dat, Gleat Wall of Chinee Peoples Guard an Proplietor of Golden
Dlagon Raundry
Och…. I dinna ken tha happenins doon thar in bonny Woodbury ? Ma ladies have bin verra busy makin ma new storage tanks fur tha new ' hard stuff ' ma pal Quiblon has fer me. I see thers a wee Lass doon thar by the name of McGonagle ??? Cud the hen really be related tae thae old Dundee Bard ? Thars noo dowt if yon lass penned those immortal words - they fair brought yon tears tae ma eyes. Such verse does nay deserve tae be on yon planet an withoot doobt is nay of this world ! Im a mind tae take yon lass off in tae space with mae an will be puttin the matter afore mae ladies committee at their next meetin. Be patient ma precious hen - I have noo doubt ma ladies will be happy tae have yae join the hareem - they can always use anether hand with thae bairns ! An while theyre'a chattering I'll be sneakin off tae tha 'Pig and Bicycle' fer a pint or too of thae Olde Skull Splitter Ale.
Captain James T.Kilt - o' the starship
'McGonagle'
DUNNA CLIcK THE KILT
UNLESS YE WANT A SHOCK !!!!
Hillbilly Youngan, Those weren't chicken eggs! you done went and ate my magic 8 balls! Why thats just plain mean of you'uns.As they were made of plastic and had anti freeze inside of them you should have fun getting your stomach pumped or you won't get cold this coming winter. Too bad about that Gladis feller I betcha if he held up a cat and offered to let them stir fry it in a wok they would let him over that garden wall. I was starting to like having you for a neighbor even though you live way down in that holler but now that you went and cooked my magic 8 ball collection that Queenie stole I don't know. You don't have any marshmellows in your barn do you?
Hexbury Plantation Topothehill@hexnU.com
This is the Town Horse of Wwoodbury,Wilbur.Thank you Majic for your
correspondance.These four stripped wwalls of the hospital are getting very boring.I can't
believe I have wwound up back here... again.WHeeenie!I wwas very pleased to receive your
letter.I don't have too many animal friends to speak of.Most of my species have forgotton
me since I was elected the town horse.They think that I think I am better than them,wwhich
is not true at all.Most of them are free to run the fields and hills and I can't.It's just
that my position is so demanding of my time.I wwas lucky that my job required me to lead
the others on the Memorial Day Ride or I wwould not have been able to go.Ofcourse I wwish
I hadn't gone now!Snort snort.I'm lucky that they alloww me a lot of sick leave tho!Im
just wwaiting for my hair to grow back here in the hospital.Thats the maine thing and
tail.Yes,I wrote the Hillbilly Dictionary,its wwasn't hard at all.(I used to live among
them at one time.My previous owner was hard up for money and traded me to one of them
hillbillies for elixer.I was very put out by it because of my breeding.My father was a
thoroughbred wwalkinhorse and my mother wwas a fine palamino fillie.Thats another
story.)anyway back to the dictionary:All you have to do is misspell everything to sound
the wway it is said by the hillbillies and to apply every wword to how the hillbillies use
it.They don't know if it is correct or not and the towns people don't know either.It was a
sinch!Not to mention that I wwas full of "elixer" wwhen I wrote most of the
volumes!I just told them that each book was as unique as each one of them(Because I was so
looped that I couldn't remember wwhat I had wrote in the one before.Wheenie Ha ha)It was
so much fun!Neigh,I didn't make much money from it tho,the hillbillies usually don't have
two nickles to rub together so I bartered wwith them for a bail of hay per book.This
spring sale wwas more profitable tho and it is due to the free fertilizer that a man
called Hexthrowr supplied.Most hillbillies threww in an extra bail!.The towns people paid
dearly for it because they wwere at a complete loss in communicating wwith the
hillbillies.These 'shumans'as you say are so gullable!As I'm sure you found out by the
wwriting of your book.I am in a very interesting and profitable position!Except for being
a hairless horse in the hospital.Wwell I'm not sure where Big Rock is so I'm not sure
about the water.When I get out of here maybe we can hook up.If there's any water to
cross,I'll give you a ride on my back.Look forward to hearing from you Majic!Your new
friend
WHEENIE WILBUR
Quiblon is grateful to Human Smith in reporting a new big goofy DA (Damaged Alien)in
Woodbury, this can only be my missing and Brain Damaged Translation Specialist
Bleezar!Human Smith may collect 1 bleem of Elixir from Hillbilly Pappy as his reward while
I,Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR4, dispatch a dissection squad to collect
Bleezar. Quiblon has Spoken!
Hexthrowr,I'm so sorry,really I am.HillBilly Youngan here...agin.I honestly thought
thet you was havin a little fun wit my chickins n hexed em.I didn't know them theives who
stole tha mail money n tha ribs wit tha eyes on em had stolen yore majic 8 balls too.It
wus jest an honest mistake on my part.Please accept my appology sweet Hexer.I did pay fer
eatin them funny eggs like you said.My tummy hurt fer about a minute n I started burpin n
all these words started commin outa ma mouth. Then ma youngest youngan started talkin fer
tha first time after he et hisin,I thought it was a miracle! I wus so proud!I thought of
tha old sayin"now thets sayin a mouth full"I thought I finally knew whut thet
sayin meant, cause other people et them funny eggs too but now I knoe I wus rong.Them
wusan't eggs a'tall.I'ma mighty sorry fer accusin you falsly of messin up ma chickins.I
was awful glad ta see ma white n brown eggs agin.Ifin you wont me too,I'll paint sum 8's
on ma real eggs fer ya.I doubt there'd be any messages in em cause ma chickin don't have
much ta say, jest brock brock n cocka doodle doo.Now Hexer,thets alls thets in ma
barn,featherless chickins n ma holey cows(Oops no no don't got no holey cows,Didn't say
thet).Don't got no marshmellows either.I saw whut you done ta thet garage.Please fine tune
yore new catapult.I'd like us all ta stay in-tact ifin you know whut I mean?You don't wont
no blowed up neighbor do ya?Can't we jest re-main semi fearsom friendly neighbors sweet
Hexthrowr?(I said yore name rite)Whut do ya say?Well gotta go got some REAL eggs ta
fry!YEE Haw.
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Hillbilly Youngan,Lets just chalk it up to being all Queenie's fault.You should have put out bear traps to catch him/her and that psycho butler too.Well I'm glad your Youngest Youngan got to talking,I just hope you didn't feed him the cussin' magic 8 ball though. I did spot some critters a couple hollers over on my crystal ball,they are called Llamas,I suppose they lay Llama beans insted of eggs though. Anyways,with my new catapult I should easily be able to send those Llamas over to fertilize the streets in Nastyville,won't they be happy!! Well I got a big brew of hot chocolate going in that fancy tea kettle,sure wish I could find some marshmellows to add in though. You don't need to send me your eggs,I wouldn't want your Youngin Youngans to go hungry and go around tire ironing people. See Ya
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
I wus jest settin here thankin,HillBilly Youngan here...agin.I wunder 'whare is ma
huzban?'Ifin Quiblon melted all tha bars offin all tha jails whur all tha hillbillies wus
at,wouldn't tha Woodbury hillbillies have been let loose too?I ain't heared from him fer
days.I jest hope he ain't gone and met up wit Miss Fortune.I hear tell she is a very bad
one ta meet.I wusa watchin thet new movie lastnight about "Whur four art thou old
brother"n one ov them met up wit some 'sireens'n he got turned into a toad!Ain't no
tellin what Miss Fortune might do ta ma old man!I shore wish he'd come home n watch me do
ma chores.Thet strangs womin in tha lookin glass is makin me mighty nervous.She's allays
doin whut I do the same way I do it.It makes me so mad!Ifin ma old man Youngan would jest
come home, we could git hitched all over agin,you knoe,say our vowels over.I saw on tha
news ta other night whur these two young teen youngans wasa goin to tha dance wearin a
tux..tucks..shoot a suit n a gown made outta duck tape.They wus tha pertiest duds I ever
saw.I jest love duck tape.Why you kin do anythang wit duck tape.I thank I'll git me sume
more(I used all I had on ma cows udders)n make me a new weddin dress n ma old man a new
pair ov overhalls wit a jacket o'course.Then we's kin say our vowels agin and have a new
start.Now thet I've got ma love fer Gladis boy in perspective I thank I kin commit agin to
tha old man ta love honor and especially obey him fer tha rest ov ma life.Well I gotta
go,got to practice .I keeps fergitin em...a i e u o no thets not rite.I know tha I Owe You
part but whut does A n E got ta do wit
anythang?
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
***Thus Speaketh Quiblon*** I,Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR4, have just received a communique,which my newly decanted Translation Specialist has deciphered.* It seems one of you Inferior Humans which calls itself Michael Jackson wants to trade Human Hillbilly Jessie Jane to Quiblon because Human Jessie Jane apparently tried to cook Bubbles for supper,which I ,Quiblon ,find difficult to believe knowing how much Human Hillbillies detest being in the presence of the substance called soap or the bubbles this substance produces when mixed with water.** This strange Human being who evidently is suffering from toxic chemical bleaching (perhaps he,she or it fell in an outhouse which did not have a Elixing device installed in it?) Wishes to trade Human Jessie Jane for a little Maculley,Unfortunatly, Quiblon does not know what a Maculley is or where to get one.Perhaps one of you Humans can tell Quiblon where he can get a Maculley to trade for Jessie Jane,**Captain Kilt ,perhaps Maculleys are manufactured or grown in Scotland?
QUiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4
Whur O Whur has ma old man gone? O Whur O whur could he be?I shore hope he ain't got run over by no train, or R.U.N.N.Oo.F.T.!!!!
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Hee Hee ! Shamoy! This here is JessyJane. Mr. Quibaloney, I don't know whur you got yore informashon from, but it aint true! Me and Mikey are In Love and we is as happy as pigs in slop! He sez he aint never gonna let me go! We is havin us a fine ole time here at this here ranch in Neverland and I am jest about over my hankering fer Squire Chris, if he ever existed at tall! Mikey has promised ta take me ta Hollywood tomorrey and put me in his new video, what ever that is. I jest hope it aint that one with that thar big ole werwolf thang in it! That un skeered me plenty bad the first 45 times I seen it. And no sir, I aint cooked no Bubbles. Bubbles is my new best friend. He tells me everthang and we play Donkey Kong and he's teaching me all about computers and how to put the Elephant Man's bones back together and stuff. I betcha that thar critter name of Maezemachorinky done made up that story and told it to yuh cause I know she is plumb jealous of me and Mikey and I happen ta know fer a fact that she aint from this here planet!! She done been in Mikey's collection fer nigh on five year er more and Mikey don't play with her much no more. She's real mean and green and she don't like nobody. And if she don't get four er five gallons of moonshine ever day, she jest goes hog wild and tears her hyperbaric chamber all up! I wish she would leave. I don't like her neither. She makes the Elephant Man look good. Well, that's all I gots ta say. I had ta set ye facts straight. They aint no truth to it, no siree bob. Me and Mikey is in love. And it's won-der-full! He thanks I'm the purtiest thang he ever seen and I thank he's the purtiest thang I ever seen. I thank I have finally found whur I truly belong. I aint never really fit in no whurs before. But I fit in jest fine here at Neverland so you jest git on about yore bizness, Mr. Quibblehead and let sleepin dogs lie. We aint a goin nowheres. We is happy.
Hee Hee!! Shamoy! (Mikey taught me how ta say that. Don't know
whut it means, though) BEAT IT! haha
Moi Dearestest Hillbilly Youngan.....Oi am sorry oi ave not messaged for a whoile but its been ard on moi feets walking along this ere wall. It be quoite frustratin as now oi ave reached the end of it - oi needs to go round the uver way ! They tells me oi ave come to the wrong soide and needs to go to the uver gate which is down uver end. It is such a shame thats oi will take longer than oi foughts to gets to yous an oi am upset cos they finks its funny an is laughin at me off the wall. Theres this little yellow fella on top who keepsa callin me "Clazy Engrish Spy Gradis " and says " We Beat you to end of Gleat Wall " He says oi ave to go to uver end and says it is only 3200 moiles. Oim not sure ow fars that is but oi spect it is a bit longer than the wall round the Squires ouse ! Yous remember Oi says this tribe as bad eyes cos they is always squintin ? Well oi fink some of em ave fought of a new way to helps with that an ave taken to wearin little Lampshades in thems heads ( upside down o course ! ) It wont be long now moi sweet - oi will nip round the uver end of the wall and be theres shortly.
- Gleat Warr of Chinee
Hey Hillbilly Youngan,I noticed you building that fancy rock outhouse and I'm just thinking maybe you accidently sealed your old man inside of it-maybe you'un should put in a door so he can get out. If he ain't there you might have to go ask Wilbur if he knows where your old man is.
Hillbilly Hick
Hillbilly Youngan,I've been trying to conjure up where your old man is but it is hard to do with only 1 magic 8 ball left,You have to have 7 to get a halfway decent prediction,it is best to have 14, but ,I have mail ordered a new set. Now my crystal ball keeps flashing up the picture on the web page
http://jldr.com/ohmobileoh.html when I ask about Mr Youngan from down in the Holler.Of course I don't don't know how many brothers and cousins and whatnot your old man has so it could be one of them. I sure hope that crazy old True Queen of England and her Butler hasn't got ahold of him.It seems kind of strange that Hillbilly Buddy and Pappy and even those Space Aliens have gone to ground lately. Quick Ghost, load the catapult !!,crank back the big crossbow !!,boil some oil !! and bring me my doulbe barrel shotgun !!! A conspiracy is going on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You best load your sticky traps Miss Youngan something awfull strange is going on here abouts !!!!!!!!!!!! (I have a spare crossbow & extra tire irons if ya think you might be needing them)Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Sir Bleezar Royal Wizard to Her Majesty's Court,Knight,Earl of Woodbury and Chauffer to Her Majesty The True Queen of England. trllllz To all Colonial peasants of Woodbury and environs.plrzz I have been authorized by Her Majesty the True Queen to inform you of Her Majesty's displeasure with you peasants during her recent visit.flrbbyzzx Her Majesty was quite wroth about the lack of red carpet treatment,the crumpets that were as tasty as a paper towel and the total inability to find a decent Cup of Tea vlrrrrk during her stay and has therefore decided to raise your taxes that you may provide these thing during a future unannounced visit by Her Majesty ylttvvrr However, Her Majesty The True Queen is not without compassion on you lowly peasants and therefore will only raise your taxes by 200% ekkrzff Failure to pay will be regarded as High treason and the offending person will be drawn and quartered.blpppprr Additionally Her Majesty has declared the Following persons to be Traitors and Heretics : Hexthrowr,Squire Chris,the Youngans,Hillbilly Pappy and Buddy and Rose Iris Buttercup.prtklvn The person who turns them will be rewarded by Her Majesty by having their taxes raised by only 199%.
For Her Majesty the True Queen of England and the Empire
Sir Bleezar
Hexer,do you mean ta tell me you saw my old man poppin wheelys on a souped up
motorcycle outhouse!!??HillBilly Youngan here...agin.Whut'd he do now?Got them other
inmates ta put tha jails outhouse on a motor cycle n dune took oft fer parts unknown.I
don't spect tha athourities will ever find him neither cause they 'got nuttin ta go on'
now!I was a'fierd he'd R U N N O F T.Whut 'ill I ever do now?You didn't happin ta see Miss
Fortune in that there outhouse did ye?I was a'fierd he'd met up wit Miss Fortune.He told
me that afore he met me he'd met up wit Miss Fortune many times.I recken he jest never got
her outta his heart.sniffle sniffle.I spect I'll haveta tell tha little'Hick'girl n boy
thet he done got runn over by a train.They can't be Youngans no more.I guess I'll hav ta
find summone who's bonified now.I jest wish I could count ta three.Gotta go,got ta git
them vowels out ov ma mind.Woe is me......
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Gladis boy,O Gladis boy,whur are ya at ,ma Gladis boy.Hillary Billy Hick here...agin.
Yore Tennassee toy.Ma old man dune R U N N O F T .When are ya comin ta see me?After ya git
round them 3200 miles,I'll bea waitin here... all smiles.I jest don knoe whur thet great
stone fence is at but could ya brang me one ov them thare lampshade hats?I've inquired
bout yore moma wit Mr Chris n he sayed she is fine n tole me her wish.Ifin you git you a
Tennassee sty,she will be here by n by.He sayed she wasa makin yore family tree.Thet
raises sume concern wit me.I jest haveta ask ye, cause I really don noe,Whut's yore last
name?...I may not be a Youngan no mo.Who is yore Pappy n yore family line.But most
importantly is you bonified?(whut ever thet means)When ya git here ya may find me in tha
fields,or in tha barn or at tha still.You may find mea warshin or a cleaning or cookin sum
stew.Remember my sweet now I'ma doin it fer you.We kin slop tha hawgs tagether cause I
knoes yore partial ta thet.My hawgs are purty n slick n awfully fat.I say this prayer fer
you dear: May yore ob stackles be few. Yore road finely graveled n yore direction
be straight.Yore sun bea shinnin n food on yore plate.Tha wind at yore back an a song in
yore heart.When ya git here my darlin may we never part.Yore hick Hillary Billy.
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Dear Squire Chris, I thought you might find some enjoyment by visiting http://jldr.com/ohindex.shtml#real The Outhouses of America Tour website.Don't forget to bring your own corn cob and clothes pin!
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
HillBilly Youngan here(oops Hick here)...agin.I jest read thet message from thet thare
Bleezer person .I thank it wuz cuncernin thet Queenie. Don't know who thet Mr Royal
Wizard, Miss Majesty Court, Mr Knight, Chauffer or who Earl Is tho. Anyhows it seems thet
Miss Queenie has been miss informed. Thare ain't no Colonial peaseants no more.Ain't no
body worked in thet thare shirt factory fer yeres n yeres! Sides thare ain't no Colonial
no more neither...theys done wipped it offin tha face of cannon county.It's a goner.So's
you can't git no taxes offin sumptin thet ain't no more!!! I here tell thares a reward fer
tha ones thet robbed tha Reedyville posty office. Yep,$50,000.00.Thet ain't pocket change!
Course Quiblon wont turn em in cause he ain't got no pocket. You jest better watch
yoreself Miss Queenie!!Oh an anuther thang 'bout tha traitin, I do like ta barter and we
have deer tics here never heard of no here tics. Tell me, jest whut you got against Miss
Buttercup? She ain't done no harm ta annywone.I tried ta visit her ta other day. Couldn't
git no answer tho.I knocked n knocked n yelled n yelled but I guess no body was ta home.I
heard sume strange noises commin from her outhouse tho.I figured it wuz jest tha sound of
a citified still.I have re stocked ma industrial sized yeller sticky mouse traps so's I
kin git thet thare reward money when I gits ye,Miss Queenie!! Me n ole Killer'll be
watchin n a waitin!!!! Gotta Go...OH NO not agin , you ignert chickins....HillBilly Hick
Hillbilly Youngan - Hollerville,wbry suburb, tn. USA
Hexer,HillBIlly Hick here...agin,I checked ma rock castle outhouse like wuz
suggested n I did put me a door n thare sos ma old man ain't in ere.I went ta see Wilbur
in tha horsepital, I was afierd to but he wuz rather nice.He wuz ritely rialled up when I
tole him thet ma old man wuz outta jail(his little short hair wuza fallin offin him alls
over tha floor) but he said he'd been thare n hadn't seen em.Now ma old man has 10
brothers(they could never git annythang done on tha farm til me n him got hitched) n no
sisters,they's boys back as fer as you kin go in his family.When lil'Bitty was born,our
girl, they all sayed it wuz a miracle.Pappy Youngan is a boilin over about him being
gone.He's afierd I'll stopp doin fer em since I've been abandoned n all.I tole em I'd do
tha work jest fer relaxation after I git done wit mine n Pa's place.Now I saw thet thare
picture of tha poppin wheely outhouse n it coulda been one of them brother in laws ov mine
but they all look alike.It's very possible thet that there Queenie has ma old man but I
jest don noe.I still thank he dune runn oft wit Miss Fortune.I guess thet time 'ill
tell.Yore neighbor in tha holler,HillBilly Hick.
Hillbilly Hick
Hiya Hillbilly Youngan or Hillbillary Hick or whatever your name is now that Mr Youngan has disappeared. I know it is none of my business and all but instead of marrying up with that Gladis feller. You ought to think about marrying up with that thare Space alien feller what is going to be sheriff,thataway no matter what you do you won't get thrown in jail plus you wouldn't have to worry about that space alien having a hissy fit and blowing up your outhouse anymore not to mention you'un could have all the moonshine you can drink.Well which ever one you marry up with I hope He treats you right and hope he stocks that barn of yours with Marshmellows so I can borrow some instead of having to throw marshmellow seeking Hexes all over the county.
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
My Dear Hillbilly friends - I am so upset to think I shall never set eyes (pheww!!) on the lovely ( ahem ) JessyJane. Oh woe is me woe is me to have lost such as her to a Multi-millionaire nutcase 6000 Miles away with a pet monkey and his own fairground has broken my heart - never mind I have a Band-Aid and at least I can stand down the local Peasant Watch and give the Lions and Alligators a holiday ( does this also mean I can remove the minefield ?). I hear young Gladis is well on his way to Tennessee now and should reach there safely in a few more years. He really has amazed me with his resourcefulness - he only took a couple of banana and ketchup sandwiches with him and he's even been known to eat his own boots when he gets hungry!!! I do hope we wont be getting a repair Bill from the Chinese for their Wall - if he gets really frustrated he's been know to batter some pretty big walls down with his head (we used to think that was just a hobby.) I was mightily impressed with the Outhouses of America Web site - so impressed in fact that I'm considering creating a ' Privies of the Empire ' site and have already started a collection of photos. Oh well I suppose I'll toddle off back to The Fox hunt now - we miss Gladis badly as he played such a good fox and the hounds tracked his scent so easily. Oh ....before I go I wonder is anyone has the lyrics to these lovely old Hillbilly songs ?
"If My Nose Were Full of Nickles, I'd Blow It All On You" "They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out" "Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)"
Cheerio - toodle pip !
Squire Chris - England
Hillbilly
Hick
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Hiya Squire Chris,Sorry but I have never heard of those songs. I have heard that British nobles like to sire illegitimate heirs,so is it possible that there Gladis boy is really the unacknowledged son of a certain Squire we'uns know? Now before I stick this here tape in the video machine,,could you tell me Squire Chris Ole buddy if,in your military days ,you used to run around Great Britain saying Nee? Cheerio Ole Pal
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Thus Speaketh Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4**, Do not think O silly humans that because I,The Exalted Quiblon,have been silent lately that I do not know what you are doing,^^Quiblon is ready to assume the title of Exalted Sheriff and Supreme Commander of Cannon County Earth,as soon as you send the existing one off to retirement at the "big house"as you call it. It is nice to know you humans see to it that when your leaders retire from service that they live in comfort,However it will be several thousands of your human years before Quiblon reaches retirement age.^^In the meantime,until the existing sheriff is retired, I shall continue construction of my Tranquility Rest Stop and Elixing Station at Tranquility Base on your planet's moon,just as soon as I have the junk vehicle some human left there removed to a junk yard.^^Also, I ,through my designated agents have been in negotiations with that strange human Michael Jackson to trade my Elvis/Gladis Hybrid for the Human Jessie Jane,Perhaps Capt Kilt can have the Ladies of his knitting circle produce a kilt that the hybrid can adorn to,as you humans say "sweeten the deal"^^Incidently, Elvis (not the hybrid) was quite incensed to learn that his daughter had at one time been married to this Michael Jackson mutant human and wanted me to obliterate his theme park ,however until the negotiations are complete I might refrain from doing so.^^Squire Chris if you have changed your mind and now want Jessie Jane to be your mate you must negotiate with Captain Kilt for her as I have agreed to turn her over to his care so that Human Jessie Jane may live in comfort and happiness with someone who will treat her well.
Quiblon has Spoken !
QUiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4
Oh I feel so happy.I jest took tha outhouse tour n I looked n looked n never did see no rock castle outhouse!HillBilly
HillBilly
Hick(thets Youngan useta be)
I just couldn't stand it no more!!!!That hospital wwas driving me crazy!!!No more stripped wwalls for me.WHEEENIE!I broke out a few days ago.The police didn't know who I wwas .They thought I was a hooligan steaking thru the streets of Wwoodbury .They started chasing me and I must have reached a speed of 100 miles per hour!I finally lost them and now I'm safe in Hoopin Holler.They wwelcomed me wwarmly and they wwished I had been there for their nudist party of May Days.I told them by next May I expect to have all my hair back wwouldn't be able to attend.After I found out that Miss Youngan's old man wwas out of jail,my nerves wwent to jumping and all my hair(what little stubble I had) started falling out all over the floor.WHEENIE..SNORT SNORT!!The Dr. was going to heavily sedate me.I just couldn't stand it no longer!!!Majic if you try to visit me,make sure you 'holler' first or they wwon't let you in!
Your Town Horse in hiding,Wilbur
WHEENIE WILBUR
New Movie Just Out!!!!!DEAD HORSE WALKING staring Wheenie Wilbur Town Horse of
Woodbury.
WHEENIE WILBUR
DEAD HORSE WALKING!!!!!!!!
WHEENIE WILBUR
I'm the true Wilbur of the Wbry Hillbillies....who are you? There ain't no Wilbur in
Nastyville is there?(I meant no disrespect to anyone)
The True
Wilbur
I knowed it! I just knowed it!! That there Wheenie Wilbur is realy ma horse Clyde what
run off.Clyde git yer lazy flea bitten hide back to the farm and git ta plowin rite
now!!Or I'll be a calling them thar'ins at Elmer's Glue and tell em whar to pick ya up
et.So git your lazy good fer nothin flea bag carcass back to tha farm now ! What? what's
thet? I be see'n strange lites in the sky agin!
Bocephas
Bogg <Bogg@cementpond.com>
Clyde,thats no wway to be.Imhorsinating a star horse like me.You need to be getting
back to the farm and start wworking on your own goals instead of trying to take credit for
someone elses,namely me.I am the Town Horse of Wwoodbury,the author of The Wwilbur's
Hillbilly Dictionary and the star of the new movie 'Dead Horse Wwalking'not to mention a
horse of dang fine breeding!I think I know your cousin,are you related to Horase
Wwimp?Wwatch out for that Elmer's glue factory,School will be starting before you know it!
WHEENIE WILBUR
Alright you Mr.Quibble,HillBilly Hick(Youngan)here...agin,listen"I'M ALL SHOOK
UP!"uhuh huh.Jessie Jane don't wonta be livin in outer space!She's not yores ta be a
traidin fer elixer.She says she n thet thare strange person is in LUV.She dont wont no
Squire Chris no more.Didn't yous here whut she done did to them grey hound dog people?Do
you wonta be a blacked eyed no lip fool too?Why she'll rip you a new pocket er two ifin
you don't watch yoreself!Leave ma Big Sissy Alone!!!!!UH you'll still pertect ma outhouse
wont ya?Ima jest cuncerned fer ya little green feller n all...P.S..Have you laid eyes on
ma old man?HIllBilly Hick(Youngan useta be)
HillBilly Hick(thets Youngan useta be
Wheenie Wilbur, If you really want to escape I am willing to help you.with my new catapult I can send you just about any place you wish to go,no need for you to walk when you can fly!!! So just come to the top o the hill and I will be happy to load you in the catapult and send you on your way,for free ! watch out For Miss Youngan's oops Miss Hicks sticky traps if you come here through her Hollar.
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Moi Dearest Hillbilly Youngan. Oi eres you gone an changed yous name ? Oi was hopin to be the ones who didst that fore yous and make yous Mrs Gladis ! Anyways oi don’t moind realy as oi loiks the name hicks an its shorter to wroight than youngan. Oi spect yous bin getting a bit worried abouts me as its takin me so longs to gets to Tennessee but this Wall aint arf a long one and oi ave just reached the over end at last. Oi havent seen any peoples for ages but oi ave eard a lot of strange voices from over the wall. Oi did meet a noice fella called Hoo Flung who tolds me which ways to go but it must be a strange road cos its called Yerrow Liver Load an e told me Oi will ave to paddle a bit as they aves had some floodin but oi was not to worry as e said that his friends in a place called Taiwan would be ever so glad to see me and give me dry trousers. He was Quite a friendly chap after that an went on is way chuckling an oi fought I heard im say somfin loike " that big funny joke on taiwan - they soon sullender to Chinee Peopres Lepubric when they gets Clazy Engrish Gradis - tee hee ". So oi am now paddling down the Yerrow Liver Load an tryin not to gets me trousers too wet. There ewas sumfin else a bit strange oi must mention - when oi started me paddling oi heard a terrible loud noise comin from a long way off an oi moight be mistakin but it sounded a lot like 2 Billion people cheering and laughin ? See yous soon moi purdy likkle swoinkeeper ! ( hopes you loik me pet name for yous ? )
- Yerrow Liver Load ( thats what the Chinee tribe calls it )
Dear Mr Hexthroweeeer,thank you so much for your offer,but I am quite content in my sancturary in Hoopin Holler.I do often fantasize about being a pegasas and even tho you can help me wwiith the flying part, wwhhat about the landing part?I am planning on staying here until at least some of my hair comes back.They have been most hospitable and I feel quite comfortable .They have tied some branches wwiith leaves on my bony tail so I can shoo the flies awway and the pasture is lush and green.I think that the town council wwill understand once I explain myself.I do have to pay for breaking the law as far as speeding goes tho but I think I can get that charge dropped.I realize that I must get back to my duties a.s.a.p.I mean 'Wwhhat is a one horse town wwiithout the horse?!The fine folks that live here have a herd of sheep and also a half a dozen collies.Come shearing time I can make me a coat to wwear.Then I plan to attend my pre-view of Dead Horse Wwalking.That wway all my fans won't know its me and I can come and go as I please. After my hair returns I wwill come back to town wwith my head held high.WWHEENIE!I just hope they hold my position for me.
WHEENIE WILBURHot dang! I jest got me a new 'puter, internet folkes, or at least, Pappy done got me one so I's back in the swang of thangs now, so How Ya'll doing? (and no, I aint tha one thet wrote All Ya'll Idiots) I don't know whut no idiot is. Me and Pappy been on vacation, you could say, down in Nastyville. We had ta co-mmitt Ma to tha State Hospital, after that turrible incident with that green feller and tha wood stove. Ma jest aint been tha same since. We couldn't git her to stay out of tha tree fer more than a few minutes at a time. She wouldn't cook er clean er do no chores er nuthin' and nuthin she said made no sense. The veternariun said she needed to git away so Pappy figered ta take her down to that fancy place his great-granddaddy/uncle wuz sent to afore I wuz borned and thets whut we done did. She seemed rite happy ta be there. I heered some doctor man say fore we left, that it seemed to be a family tradition er sumthin to send one of our kin to tha hospital ever few years. I asked Pappy whut that done meant but he wouldn't laborate. Well, I guess she'll be alright. We mite have ta hire us somebody ta come in and take care of thangs. We's bizness men. We don't know nuthin bout workin no farm. Anyhows, we had us a real good time down thar in Nashville. Went to tha Opry and Toostie's Orchid Lounge and Roberts Western World, whur Pappy bought me some new duds and they let me sang some of my handwritten songs that I made up all by myself. It wuz a real good time even if the Old Man did git ta cryin in his beer bout missin Ma and all and they asked us ta leave when he pulled out tha shotgun and shot up tha place in his sorrow and everythang. I wuz skeered he'd git hiself throwed back in jail agin and I'd be a forty year old orphan. But we's is home now with Yellowjohn and all is well. Thar wuz a hole blowed in tha roof and it had rained all over my internet box and ruined it when we got home but Pappy done traded a case of Red Nose ta one of his deputy friends and they got us a new 'un so here I am! I gots ta git back in touch wit the Fancy Englishman and the Youngan and that alien commander feller, not ta mention my ever-lovin JessyJane. I done lost touch wit everbody. This whole dang town has changed since we been gone. We could hardly recognise it! Barns and outhouses and fields and trucks and sheds and stuff done been burned up. Cow carcasses all over tha place! Holes in everthang! Peoples missin! Funny lights in tha sky at night and thangs flyin over in tha daylite! Shoot! Whut has happened ta Woodbury!? Aint nuthin been tha same since that Quiblon showed up here. My whole life has jest been purt near ruined. Thank Heaven we still got the still! Pappy says as long as we got the still, everthang will be alrite! Well, bye fer now and ya'll git back in touch wit me, ye hear? I don't know nuthin bout nuthin and my brain is a hankering fer some knowledge.
Yore buddy, Hillbilly Buddy. (and pore old Pappy) (and Yellowjohn)
Howdy from Hollywood!! This here is JessyJane, soon to be JessyJaneJackson! Me and Mikey is gittin hitched tha week after next. I jest thought I'd let everone know tha good news. I read all that crapbaloney on the internet bout me that wasn't no truth to it. Mikey aint tradin me to nobody. I don't know where them people come up with that stuff. It's jest the same here in Hollywood. Everbody lyin bout everbody. I guess you notice, Baby Sister, that I done started talking better than I ussed to. Mikey has done sent me to school and I learnt how to read and write in English, stead of Hillbilly. I feels right smart now. Mikey has starred me in his new video and all and now Mr. Steven Speelburg has done called and asked him if I can be in his new moving picture that he is going to write all about me and Mikey has said yes. Aint that sumthin?? Me in a moving picture, Baby Sister!! Don't that beat all? I thank the name of it is "Sasquatch's Woman" or somthing like that.I is so excited. I really like this here Californey. I'm so glad I stopped traipsing all over the place a lookin fer that Squire feller. He never did love me like I loved him even if he does exist. He wuz just mean as a snake. Mikey says we is going to the REAL England to have us a pre-mere when this here moving picture is finished and if I ever lay my eyes on that Fancy Boy, I'm a gonna give him a piece of my mind!! He aint nuthin but a sweet-talking, silver -tongued, woman -chasing , email-writin Mean Thang!! Well, I better go. It's time fer my close up. How is the young Youngans and have you found Ole Couch Tater yet? Good riddance, I say! When I gits rich, I'm gonna send fer all of ya'll to come out here to Hollywood and we's all gonna live in the Beverly Hills, just like the Clampetts. You will love it! Swimmin pools and movie stars! So purty. Well, bye fer now, honey child. Say howdy to Pa fer me. Shamoy! I love ya'll and everthang!
JessyJaneHick (but not fer long!) (Look fer my video now on MTV)
United Nations issues fine against China for polluting yellow river,Yellow sea with toxic chemicals.
New York,The UN Enviromental Council has issued charges against The Peoples Republic of China for the intentional dumping of unknown toxic chemicals into the Yellow river,which has spread into the Yellow Sea and may spread to the East China Sea and beyond. Greenpeace and other private enviromentalist groups claim that the chemical is a secret chemical warfare agent known as Gradis that was developed by the Chinese and intended for use against Taiwan. A recent US Surveillance flight in the area photographed and reported what appeared to be a large film of scum with hundreds of dead fish in its wake where the Yellow river empties into the Yellow Sea and even reported what appeared to be a man paddling his posterior off to get away from the film of scum. The UN has dispatched diplomats to the area to avert a war between China,Taiwan,Korea and other states that may be effected by this chemical dump.
Howdy neighber,(on ta other side.not you Hexer)Buddy it's good ta here from ye.I's mighty sorry ta here tha news bout yore Moma n all.I hope she don't go hawg wild lak yore great grand daddy,the Queen!I hope she gits sum rest durin her vacation.I jest hate ta thank ov her bein in Nastyville tho.Did you say you wasa needin sum help on tha farm?I don't thank you knoes, but ma old man dune runnoft.I thank I need sum mor work ta do ta keep ma mind offin thangs.I jest got me three farms ta be workin on rite now an I thank anutherin would be jest whut I need.I here tell Bleezer is in kahoots wit yore Queenie now.Theys been reekin havoc alls over Woodbury n Cannon Co.I's so proud ta here thet Yeller John is ta home n all.I seen him flying round on Hexer's catapult wit all them scoundrells.Glad ta see he come ta his sences.Did he tell ya whur them fugitives be a hidin?Bleezer probly ray gunned him er sumptin,so's he kant member nuttin. Uh,Jessy Jane is in Californie.Yore luv has dun got anuther luv.I miss her n all but as longas she's happy.She's a gona be in tha movies!An An An she's gona move us all ta Beverly Hills!!Thets jest so ex citin!Wait a minit,I can't go no whares.I can't bea leavin ma new rock castle outhouse.Now thet I jest got it dun n all.Well Buddy you take keer n all.Let me know bout tha job.I jest kant stand tha thought ov you feelers wastin away wit no grub ner nuttin ta eat witout yore Ma thare.P.S. I didn't knoe you could sang!I kant carry a tune ina bucket,why I kant even tune a radio.Oh it's HillBilly Hick now thet ma old man is gone.Ain't no Youngan no mor.
HillBilly Hick(thets Youngan useta
be
I's jest sooo proud ta here from ye Big Sissy!I jest can't blieve you’ve been re-fined n all.Readin an a ritin in english,ta beat all!I hate ta thank ov you gittin married up wit summone I's dont knoe .(Alls I knoe is whut I beena readin in tha National Hillbilly Enquirer)Due you thank ya'll could come here ta Woodbury so's he kin meet tha famly?Ifin he's such a big star n all I'm shore you won't have ta bea takin tha grey hound dog bus.(n avoid all yore enimies)I'd luv ta see ya all cleaned up!I ain't never seen thet afore!Did Mikey put ya in hissin's acid bath er sumptin?( I've been a researchin this here feller in tha National Hillbilly Enquirer)Jest whut did he say when he saw yore red neck.It didn't shock him er nuttin did it?Are ya still a wearin yore overhalls n old hat?Er did yous turn them in fer a glove n a mask?Uh..whut color is yore hair?I don't recken I ever did see it.Yous ain't give up a wearin yore boots hav ye?Er did thet Jackson feller put em on thet big foot?I's jest got so many questions fer ya.I guess I don't need ta bea botherin you.I'm shore thet I'll see tha ansers in tha Enquirer next week.Well tha Couch Tater dune left me,my youngans ain't youngans no mo.Theys Hicks now,jest plain ole lil' hicks.I recken time about is fair play,it's yore turn ta be sumebody now.I knoe how ta bea youngan and a hick but how do ya be a Jackson?Lordamercy I might wind up bein a Gladis,don't even knoe how ta start bein one ov them!Jessy Jane, I thank ya fer tha offer ta brang us all ta Hollywood but I jest couldn't bear tha thought ov leavin ma new rock castle outhouse!I'm jest so attached to it n all.After all I am tha princess of it!I jest don't thank I could leave tha holler.I ain't adventurous lak you are.Thets yore road ta travel.Mine is jest a country road.I'll tell Pa you sayed Howdy.Ma would lak ta knoe jest whut does 'Shamoy' mean?She done thank thets english or hillbilly!Luv ye n all Hillary Billy.
HillBilly Hick(thets Youngan useta
be
Hexthrowr Dude: You are really getting to be a nuisance, boy. I didn't mind the cow catapultings so much this spring and the barn burnings were kind of exciting but this football player levitating stuff has got to stop!!! How we supposed to teach these boys how to play ball when they keep floating two feet off the ground?? You leave them alone now and go find yourself something else to hex, now, you hear me? I'm the assistant coach and I got friends in high places. (or low places, as the case may be.) We're trying to get ready to win us some ball games this fall so you just leave us be. Yesterday you levitated Ole #65 right up over the old shirt factory lot and he got caught in a tailwind. The Sheriff was right agitated and God knows, he don't need no more agitation! If you want to levitate somebody, go on over and levitate our competition. Alright then.
(Photo courtesy of WBRY On-Line)
Coach HotHead Burnbum
Alrighty Clyde or Wilbur or whatever yora callin yerself today I done told ya ifn ya
didn't get back to the farm and get ta plowin what i wasa gonna do. I sure hopes ya like
goin to skool with the youngins this coming year,Course it tain't gonna be much fun fer
you being inside that glue bottle n all.I sees ya hidin behind the viddle store
Clyde/Wilbur Its too late now coz the Elmers people will be coming fer ya soon! But that
be ok coz ya weren't nothing but a bag of fleas anyhow and ya were as useless as a
football bat around the farm ! Whoa!!! whats that?!?! Well knock me over with a slop pail
if'n that ain't the Queen of England going bye!! but what in tarnations is thet thang shes
a ridin on?
Bocephas
Bogg Yeehaw@trailerpark.com>
I wasa a just sittin here thankin:"Whut would Jessy Jane bea doin on MTV fer?HIllBIlly Hick here...agin.Everbody knoes thet MTV is a cookin Show on tha HGTV.(Hllbillies,Greens,Taters n Varments)Yea,thets a station outa Ca-noxville Tennassee.I shore hope thet she ain'ta makin her fortune by givin away Ma's secret resipies.MTV is tha name thet Ma gave her resipie book an tha cookin show.(Ma's Tender Vittles)She's alsready in a dispute wit tha cat food people.(Thet is fer usin her ingreedients)Ifin Big Sissy wanted ta be on tellyvision,she coulda stayed rite cheer n co-cunspired wit Ma.But thare ain't no Mikey Jackson here in Woodbury I guess.Nice ta knoe he likes ta eat lak a hillbilly tho.I'll bea lookin fer ya on MTV.I gotta go talk ta Ma...
HillBilly Hick(thets Youngan useta
be
Wilbur,Just let me know if you change your mind about needing a catapult ride,don't worry about the landing-minor details you know. I don't know if hiding out is such a good idea though,that Bogg feller thinks you are his horse Clyde and has called the glue factory.But what if that Clyde inhorsinates you at the town hall,then everyone will think You are Clyde? just something to think on.
Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Miss Hillbilly Hick, I think I might have some bad news or maybe some good news for
you. Lizzie (the Ghost of Hexbury Plantation House) has recently had an old Ghost friend
visiting. He has since left but the uh bad news is that I think he has taken residence in
your Castle Outhouse,He saw your Outhouse from the window and upon learning that the
"Castle down yonder" was not haunted became quite agitated saying that no castle
is complete unless it is haunted. I tried to explain to this not too swift poltergeist
that it wasn't a regular Castle but an outhouse disguised as a castle,but He would not
believe me. I think this ghost is a Yankee or maybe an Irish ghost because of the large
amounts of my malted Hexing brew that disappeared while he was here. But Look on the
bright side, not only do you have the Only Castle Outhouse in the world but you also have
the Only Haunted Castle Outhouse in the world ! And if the Ghost likes you I'm sure he
will scare that Queenie back into the looney bin if she /he ever comes sneaking around
your Outhouse. Hexbury Plantation Topofthehill@loadinthecatapult.com,Tennehex
Dear Mr Bogg,this is Wheenie Wilbur,THE TOWN HORSE OF WOODBURY!!!!I am most certainly
not your CLYDE!!I've never lived in a trailer park nor have I ever plowed a field!I am
interested in government,being an author and acting.Now does that sound like Clyde to
you?I am thinking most certainly sir,of reporting you to the humane society for
mis-treating your horse.Just tell me why he is a bag of fleas?Huh?Are you not the
caretaker of said horse?Also I am apalled that you would inflict undue psychological trama
on him by threatening to sell him to the glue factory!!!From my point of view,it's a good
thing Clyde ran away from you.Now,once and for all "I am not Clyde!!"
WHEENIE WILBUR
WOODBURY HILLBILLIES - CHAPTER 4
Squire, the Fancy Englishman
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