My dearest,sweetest,most handsome Squire,I am Myra Elvira...Hick(I've got to do something about my last name!). You don't know me but I have been fighting this for soo long.I knew that my sister Jessy Jane was hankering for ya,but now that she has found her new love I must most certainly grab this opportunity to contact you.(I kept telling myself"After all Tomorrow is another day!")I am staying with my aunts,Margaret Mary and Mary Margaret in the fine city of Woodbury. They have been so kind to me.I tried to go home but I found that' you can nevar go home againe'.My lil sister tried to marry me off to some one named Gladis,can you imagine,ME married to a lowly englishman especially named GLADIS!?I haven't seen my 'other'family in months.I doo love the city life.I lived here with my aunts for a year and have learned such refinement.I'm sure YOU would be impressed!Oh I know they call me a citified snob,but I don't care.I do so enjoy eating at "Joe's" and the 'D&J's steak house and ofcourse thares always 'Hardees' and even 'McDonalds'and I can't wait for the new Mexican resturaunt to open up.Oh,a taste of another country!How exciting!I nevar new there was such a life out thare away from tha farm.Steak and baked 'po'tatoes,(As God as my witness'I shall never go hungry for decent food again!)I was so tired of fried taters n pinto beans!Oh,my Squire,you can surely relate?Uh..well I'm sure you must not have come from such humble beginnings. If you can find the desire to come be with me,we could stroll along the jogging trail at the Fox park,(thats just down from the city dump)we could have a 'jolly' game of tennis or basketball at the city park(that usually looks like a dump) then have a fine dinner at Parsleys Market(by the 4 lane) and watch the stars,setting on the square in town(if we can find a spot and we have to be gone by 11o'clock)It would be soo lovely!SIGH,I get all flustered just thinking about it.Please don't write back and say"Frankly,my dear....Thats what all my other suiters say.sniffle sniffle.(Those curtains in the living room would make such a beautiful dress.....I've already used the ones in the dining room,the bedrooms,the washroom,on the back door....)

 Myra Elvira Hick, The Woodbury Vamp !

Link

Thanks to the board members for the "insults" that contributed to the page ----- However, it still needs a lot of work. Please book mark it and we'll ad some Jeff Foxworthy type Redneck stuff and other things. Keep the insults coming.
  Jim - VP Insults-R-Us - Cannon Country Branch  <WoodburyTN@aol.com>

Coach Burnbum,You really need to be more progressive in your coaching philosophy. Forcing a forfeiture of a game is not the only way I can be of help.Take for example the following scenario; Opposing team throws a deep pass to their receiver,ball reverses flight path by means of magic and lands in the arms of defensive player,who runs in for a touchdown. I have read the rule book,there is no rule prohibiting the Hexing of the opposing team nor of the use of magic to ensure victory. By the way,tell those news people I am willing to conduct an interview and perform a demonstration-for a modest fee of course. the added benefit is that the Fire Dept would get to show off that shiney new fire truck on national tv!
Hexthrowr <topothehill@catapultingtresspassingchickens.hex>

Curious Redneck

Dagnabit! I aint no cereal killer! The only thing I care about in this whole wide world is having me a good football team and going squirrel hunting on my birthday. I'm as progressive as the next coach, I reckon, but hexing the competition goes against my standards. I'm a hillbilly,and proud of it and I believe in getting what you deserve. I just wish some of you smart aleck big mouths out there would come out to our games and get as enthusiastic about the boys as you do about insulting each other's intelligences. And to the Hexer, no thanks to your offer. You're just looking for free publicity. Woodbury don't need no more free publicity. They're making fun of us clear over in Pakistan. (we're practicing again tomorrow. Keep them chickens out of our air space and them boys on the ground.) Alright then.

Coach HotHead Burnbum <footballforever.com>

Coach Burnbum: I admired the way you stood up to Hexthrowr concerning the football team. He's brought nothing but chaos to this town ever since he showed up and bought the plantation up on the hill. I didn't mind some of the things he did but all these fires and things have got to stop! Why he's about to put my business, BRUSH FIRES, UNLIMITED out of business and the new fire truck is already bout worn out in the last week or two. All the newspaper people are taking over the town, coming in here trying to see our boys levitating. I heard tell that FOX TV is fixing to do a show on us on that program "World's Scariest Places". When that airs, I betcha every fruit, flake and nut in the country will come a pourin in here.

The Cereal Killer AgainstLevitation.com

Ma never left me nuttin!!!!She ain't gone no whares no how!!!Uh..Uh..I mean my dear mothar is still with us.I must say ,Mr Squire,that I am quite offended!I write to you proposing love and all I receive in return is questions of money!Why,you should be ashamed!Do you not understand!?I am a Hick!From the most meagar beginnings.The only dowery that I may come to posses is that ole MTV cooking book that Ma has been working on.I.. I.. I don't have any dusty paintings,no manuscripts or any sparkling little Russian eggs either!We never had any Russian chickens. Company titles..deeds...oil fields!Why do you think that I am forced to make my dresses out of draperies?I am a poor townsperson living with my Aunts!( I am trying for a position at tha DQ hope to hear from them any day now)I was hoping you had more of a romantic heart,but I see sir you have no love at all...except for MONEY!!Iam not a Vamp...I am not a Vamp...I am not a Vamp..I am a Southern Belle sir!Could you not see my references to:Gone with the Wind in my letter to you?I have nevar said this to anotha human being but"Frankly my dear...I don't give a dang(I am a lady after all)You just keep your greedy self at home sir!!!Myra Elvira Hick

Myra Elvira Hick, The Woodbury Vamp and Beautiful Southern Belle.

MYRA ELVIRA!!!! NO! NO! NO! YOU HEAR ME? NO! YOU ALL STAY AWAY FROM THAT THAR SQUIRE FELLER! HE AINT NO GOOD FER YOU! HE AINT NO GOOD FER NOBODY! HE AINT NUTHIN BUT A INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY . DO YOU HEAR ME, BABY BABY SISTER??? THIS HERE IS JESSYJANE, YORE BIG SISSY, AND I'M A TELLING YA TA STAY AWAY FROM THAT MAN. I'M A GONNA COME BACK TO WOODBURY AND WHUP YORE UPPITY LIL BUTT IFFEN I HEAR OF YOU A WRITIN TA THAT BOY AGIN! YA'LL GOT ME SO UP-SET, I DONE REVERTED BACK TO TALKIN HILLBILLY AGIN! YOU GIT YORESELF BACK ON BACK TO THA FARM AND HELP HILLARY BILLY TEND TO THEM CHORES. SHE NEEDS YOU NOW THAT COUCH TATER HAS DISAPPEARED. I WUZ GITTIN READY TO BRANG YA'LL ON OUT HERE IN CALIFORNEY TO STAY WITH ME AN MIKEY. WE'S GITTING MARRIED THE WEEK AFTER NEXT AND I WANTS YOU TO BE MY BRIDESMAID. I KNOW WE NEVER DID GIT ALONG BUT YOU'S KIN AND I STILL LOVE YE AND EVERTHANG. YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM THAT ENGLISHMAN, YOU HEAR ME? HE'S A GOLD-DIGGER, BABY, AND YOU AINT GOT NO GOLD. YOU AINT EVEN GOT NO TINFOIL. YOU ALWAYS LIVED IN A DREAM WORLD JUST LIKE AUNT MARY MARGARET AND AUNT MARGARET MARY. WHY, THAT AINT EVEN THEY REAL NAMES!! YOU GIT ON BACK HOME NOW TO THA FARM, YE HEAR ME??!! SHAMOY! AND GOD BLESS YE. (CALL ME COLLECT AT NEVERLAND RANCH. DON'T BE SURPRIZED IF A MONKEY ANSWERS.)

To: Squire Chris of Great Britain Earth.^^ From: Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4 as translated by Translation Specialist Bluzok. ***TOP SECRET***For Squire Chris' Eyes only-consume after reading message*** Do not fear for your safety Squire Chris, if necessary I,Quiblon will evacuate you to Tranquility Resort & Elixing Station On Earth Moon until things quiet down,^^Do not forget to have British Elixir ready for transport if events require a rapid evacuation. ^^Unfortunatly I will not be able to transport your peasnats with you,however Captain Kilt might be willing to transport them if you provide him with enough of the substance Scottish Whuskey. ^^I shall come to your aid if you should need it,however,I cannot allow that odious Gladis being on my ship again.^^

**************WEDDING INVITATION************

MARY MARGARET HICK

MARGARET MARY HICK

HILLBILLY BUDDY AND FAMILY (except for Ma who's in the State Hospital)

HEXTHROWR  (and your ghost, if you want to bring it)

GLADIS

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KILT AND CREW

THE TRUE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

(and your butler and wizard, Bleezar)

COMMANDER QUIBLON AND GUESTS

(Elvis Presley and the Elvis/Gladis hybrid)

MS. POET LAURYETTE

COACH HOT HEAD BURNBUM

(and the football team)

HOSTESS TWINKIE

FREEDOM FIGHTER

MA AND PA HICK

WILBUR THE TOWN HORSE

MAGIC THE CAT

THE JACKSON FAMILY

(except for LaToya)

THE PRESIDENT OF THE GREYHOUND BUS COMPANY(but not the drivers)

BUBBLES, PAT, THE GOLDFISH, AND THE SHERIFF OF WOODBURY AND ALL THE DEPUTIES

SQUIRE CHRIS FROM ENGLAND (if he exists)

AND ALL OF THE TOWNSFOLK FROM WOODBURY AND HOLLYWOOD

********************************************************

YOU ARE ALL INVITED TO THE WEDDING OF MICHEAL JACKSON AND JESSYJANE HICK TO BE HELD IN BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA AT GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATER THE WEEK AFTER NEXT. 6 P.M. SHARP. RECEPTION FOLLOWING AT NEVERLAND RANCH. SERVING POSSUM AND POPCORN BALLS, OXYGEN AND ELIXIR IMPORTED ALL THE WAY FROM CANNON COUNTY. RSVP IMMEDIATELY.

Howdy Coach Burnbum: I hate to be tha barer of bad news but thar wuz a turrible accident this morning out in my lower forty acres past the tobaccy field and on tha other side of my specialty crop. I heered this crash and holler whilst I wuz rustlin up my breakfast of fried eggs and fatback and the Old Lady come runnin in screamin "Do! Come Quick! They's peoples on top of tha outhouse!" Well, sir, whut happened, I reckon is this: One of yore football playin boys wuz a levitatin up over tha trees (I done heered about it on WBRY RADIO) and that skeery old queen of england and them wuz buzzin around here on that catapult she stole from the Hex feller and I reckon they done run into one anuther and well, there they be all tangled up and a layin on top of my outhouse whuts left of it. I thought I'd let you know. I don't know whut ta do about it. I don't want ta git involved wit it. I don't want ta call the Sheriff on account of he don't like me none and we done had us a run-in a time or two so ye jest do whut ya thank best. But I'd appreciate it if ye'd git em on up off of my property. Thank ye.

Mr. Do Dolittle ( the holler past the Buddy place , on the left, 2 mile south of the big Oak tree, close to tha spring in the side of tha hill, over next to tha mail box that sits out thar on tha road going to Nowheres.

Dear Mr. Dolittle: Thank you for contacting my office this morning about the unfortunate accident involving one of my boys, Mole#65, and the so-called Queen and her flying contraption out there in the air space over your outhouse. I and the rest of the team hurried out to the address that you sent me but we couldn't find it. Could you be a "little bit more specific??" How is my boy doing? Is he alright? Does he have any broken bones? Does he look like he can still play ball? Is he able to walk and can he walk out of the holler to the nearest road so we can find him? We found the road to Nowheres and that is exactly where it took us! To Nowheres! Confound it! I don't have time for this nonsense! I got me some games to win and some knuckleheads to whip into shape and they're interviewing me on the six o'clock news on Channel 5 tonight and on WBRY radio in the morning. I've about had it with this Hexthrowr dude! Me and Ratt Packett are fixing to tan his hide when we get hold of him. You can join in with us if you want to, Mr Dolittle. I imagine you're pretty sore about the damage to your outhouse and all. I won't call the Sheriff in on this if we can just get my boy back home and off your property. The Sheriff"s got his hands pretty full right now with the Couch Robbery and 56 indictments and everything so we don't have to bother him with this. As for the Queen, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want her. You email me back now and give me some better directions and we'll head out there again. Alright then.

Coach Burnbum, assistant football coach Woodbury High School

Bocephas Boggs: Are you related to the Boggses down thar in Hickory Holler? I been reading yore messages on the WHB lately and I been tryin to figger out if I knowed ye er not. You look mity familiar ta me. I growed up with some Boggses and I wuz reel friendly with tha one girl name of Lucille Maybelle Arnell Boggs. She had a lil brother name of Bo and I wandered if maybe that wuz you all? They lived in a trailer park all of they lives and all of tha boys worked as garbage men over in Manchester. I remember that cause ever time they'd come into town, you'd heer people say "Looky yonder. Here come them white trash boys." And I remember thet Lucille took ta runnin wild and carryin on and Mama wouldn't let me play wit her no more and she became known as the "Hickory Holler Tramp." I thank they wrote a song bout her and so forth. So is that you all or is it somebody else? I'd shorely like ta know. Me and Mama wuz just a sittin here a drankin coffee and a wonderin. I didn't mean ta offend ye er nuthin. Me and Mama write a gossip column fer the Cannon County news and we jest wanted ta git our facts straight before we told everthang we knowed about ye. Nuthin personal, it's jest our job. Say hello ta Lucille Maybelle Arnell fer me. (If you all is the right Boggses) And if you aint, I'll try ta make up sumthin reel nice about ye. Bye now.

Sally Sue Liplicker (and Mama)

THIS JUST IN.............................................

DAN RATHERNOT REPORTING FROM THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE, ALONG WITH THE LOVELY IMA STUTTERING STANDING BY AT MAD CAL'S MEAT MARKET AND NAIL SALON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT THE INFAMOUS COUCH MUCH BALLYHOOED IN THE NEWS LATELY HAS BEEN REPORTED MISSING FROM THE LOCAL JAIL WHERE IT HAS BEEN INCARCERATED FOR IT'S OWN PROTECTION UNTIL THE TRIAL OF OUR ESTEEMED SHERIFF IF AND WHEN THAT EVER COMES TO PASS! THE COUCH IN QUESTION, AS MANY OF YOU KNOW HAS BEEN IMPLICATED IN SEVERAL INCIDENCES INVOLVING LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS AND WAS SAVED FROM BURNING WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED OUT BACK OF THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE A FEW SHORT MONTHS AGO. MR.BOOBOO BURNS, THE JAIL TRUSTEE WAS ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF SETTING THE SOFA ON FIRE BUT CHARGES WERE LATER DROPPED AGAINST THE CONVICTED ARSONIST AFTER A LIE DETECTOR TEST PROVED THAT THE COUCH WAS INDEED ALREADY ON FIRE WHEN MR. BURNS LAID DOWN ON IT. THE COUCH WAS THEN CONFISCATED AND PLACED IN A CELL ADJACENT TO THE "REPEAT OFFENDERS" CELL UNDER LOCK AND CHAIN TO AWAIT THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, WHICH OF COURSE, HAS NEVER TAKEN PLACE. THE THEFT OF THE SHERIFF'S COUCH WAS DISCOVERED THREE DAYS AGO WHEN SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE JAIL HOUSE TO STEAL SOMETHING ELSE AND THE BURGLAR REPORTED THAT ALL THAT WAS LEFT OF THE COUCH WAS A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS AND A THROW PILLOW. ALSO A SMALL BLACK AND WHITE TELEVISION SET WAS SAID TO BE MISSING ALONG WITH ONE OF THE LONG TIME PRISONERS, A MR.COUCH TATER YOUNGAN, WHO SOURCES TELL ME HAS BEEN FREED FOR SOME TIME BUT HAS REFUSED TO LEAVE THE PREMISES. SPECULATION HAS IT THAT THE PRISONER IN QUESTION STOLE THE COUCH AND THE T.V. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN AND HIS WHEREABOUTS ARE SAID TO BE UNKNOWN AS WELL. THE D.A.'S OFFICE AND THE OFFICIAL JUSTICE OF THE PEACE OF WOODBURY HAVE POSTED A $20, 000 REWARD FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE RETURN AND CAPTURE OF SAID COUCH. (YOU MAY KEEP THE T.V AS A PARTING GIFT) THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF EVIDENCE AND MUST BE RETURNED BEFORE THE TRIAL AND SENTIENCES CAN BE CARRIED OUT. THE SHERIFF HAS BEEN QUOTED AS SAYING THAT "HE WANTS TO SEE THAT COUCH .BACK WHERE IT BELONGS: IN HIS OFFICE, UNDER HIS BUTT." UNQUOTE. THE D.A.'S OFFICE SAYS THAT THEY "RATHER DOUBT THAT." ONCE AGAIN, WOODBURIANS, CONTROVERSY REIGNS IN OUR FAIR CITY AND I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL OF THE DETAILS!! THIS HAS BEEN A NEWS FLASH FROM WBRY RADIO AND YOUR ROVING REPORTER MR. DAN RATHERNOT. MISS STUTTERING IS STILL STANDING BY AT THE MEAT MARKET. SHE HAS NOTHING TO REPORT. I JUST LIKE TO MAKE HER STAND THERE. GOOD DAY!

LAVERNE'S SLOGAN IS

Dear Wilbur: Hi from Big Rock. Yesh, I am shtill here. My shuman would never throw me out. She loves me! She won't even let me go outshide! I would love for you to come shtay wish me but where would you shleep? The laundry room is sho shmall and I don't think you could fit into my litter box. Shmaybe I could talk her into letting you shtay in the back yard if you would promishe to eat all the grassh. (She hates to mow) You would like it here in Big Rock, excshept for all the fast cars. I hear it ish a lot shlower paced there in Woodbury. We don't have queens or wizards or aliens and shtuff here, just the ex-preshident shometimes. That's pretty bad, I guessh. I got shtepped on by one of his shecret shervice agents one time when I tried to lick his hand. He wash sho rude. Just ignored me and grabbed my shuman and gave her a big kissh. (The preshident, I mean, not the agent.) The funny thing was, my shuman is not even a Democrat! She was there to throw a cream pie in his face! Anyway, I will work on things on this end and you do what you can on that end. Has your fur grown back yet? I don't think they will let us keep a naked horshe here in the city. I'm not shure. But I shure would love to shee you!!

wOO BOy!! I jst made me one of them Frutity cakes and boy, yeshsir howdydo bob, I tell ye, whoa hoss, that wuz the bestest cake i ever done (hick) baked in my life! Thank ye, thank ye, thank ye fer sending in that recepee. Ye didn't sign yore name but I bet it wuz from Ma Hick. I (hick) watch yore t.v. show Ma's Tender Vittles on that Home and Garden channel all the time. I never seen nothin I ever wanted to cook tho, until now. Shoo-we! that's some good home cookin! I didn't exactly bake it in the oven, though. I jest mixed everthang all up and drunk it and went to bed. I had the (hick) most beautifulest dreams! My bed kept a movin round and round all night, though and I thought I wuz a bein eaten by a big pink teddy bear at one time but otherwise, it wuz a purely enjoyable experience. So I'm a jest writin in to let ye know how much I appreciated them a postin yore recepee. Keep up the good work. And by the way, do you know the recepee for "Shoo Fly Pie?" My uncle Joe used to make that fer me when I wuz a little girl. Well, thank ye agin! and good(hick)bye.

Ms. Karonut Surp

Mrs. Hillbilly Youngan: Baby, this be Tater again, yore runnoft husbin. I done read in the newspaper whar it said "The Sheriff and Attorney has changed their Minds". Do you thank they wuz talkin bout me and whut I done? I read yore beeutiful letter that you sent in to this here site here, telling me all about tha wunderful new couch and Big screen t.v. and all you done bought me with yore two sweet hardworkin little calloused hands. Brought a tear to muh eye, it did. I wuz so touched, I almost missed a scene from All My Youngans on Wednesday morning. Baby, did ya really do all that fer yore Ever Lovin daddy? I shore would love ta see me a Big screen tv and a new couch. I reckon I done a stupid thang a stealin this famous furniture and all. It weren't all that special anyway. The couch is all stained with beer and banana puddin and the antenna is bent on the b&w t.v. You reckon you could fergive ole Tater, baby, and let me come home? I could stay in tha house all tha time (like I always did) and no one would ever have to know I wuz thar. I can jest drop the stolen goods off out back of the jail and we could all git on wit our lives. Whut do you say, honey baby, sweetie, sugar, dumplin, punkin pie, sweetheart, darlin, love of muh life, wifey poo??? Let me come home? It shore is hot in this here Air Stream trailer, wit no air conditioner nor fan. I jest got this here t.v. and this stupid couch and a stack of TV Guides and this flea bitten mule a pullin the trailer. He takes alot of breaks so we don't travel too far in a day's time. I'm a gitten sorta sick of being on tha lam. It's too much hard work, a sneakin and a hidin and a lookin out the winder and missin my soaps. Whut you say, little mama? Can I, huh? Can I come home? I'll bring ye something! All wrapped up in a big ole pretty bow and fancy paper! Yep! (All my dirty overhalls and underwear!!)hahah Heck, I need ye, baby! I need ye bad! I need to come home whar I belong wit you and the youngans. I done learnt my lesson, baby. learnt it hard. I aint ever gonna steal nuthin dont' belong ta me and I aint never gonna punch out the town horse again. He can sit on the hood of my pick up and write me up a ticket anytime he durn well pleases! I promise! I am a reformed man, baby! I'll be anything you wont me ta be. long as it don't involve work or babysitting or cooking or cleaning or plowing or planting or bathing. Alright? That sound fair enough? What you say? Let me know by Tuesday cause I should be back in Woodbury by then. We're hiding out here in Bradyville in a holler. We could be home by suppertime. Huh? what you say? I l o ve you baby baby YOUngan. I's sorry. I's just alitttttleee pickled on elixir I bought off some old boy down the road.I wuz a sittin thar a cryin and he come along and sold me some to calm me nerves. I don't know bout my nerves, baby but I thank the mule is lying in thar a watchin tv and I is out here a pullin this here trailer and makin much better time! Hope ta see ya soon, MOnkey face little girl of my heart. If I never did tell you how much I loved you up till now, it aint no used telling ya now. YOu know how I feel. Sorry baby, didn't mean ta get licquorfied and spill my guts out here on the highway. I'm jest a missing my family!!!!!!! Sniff. sniff. cough. sob. Waitin fer yore reply, angel britches.

Ole TATer yore Ever loving lover boy and reforned convict husbind.

until next week........this is.....
Sally Sue Liplicker (and Mama)Sally Sue Liplicker (and Mama)

Dearest Hillary Billy: I didn't know if you wuz gonna be single or  I wanted ya to be my Matron of Honor but then Tater runnoft and all and I didn't know if you'uns wuz married or not but heck fire, I'd love fer ye to be in the weddin! It aint all worked out yet. We's tryin to finish this here movie I'm starring in before the weddin. Did I tell ye that I'm also in that new movie that's out now called "Planet of the Apes?" It's just a cameo in a big group scene but that's yore Big Sissy a givin that dude a black eye and bitin off his lower lip! (That's my trademark!) haha Anyhows, I'm still going to school and learning to talk better and Mikey's sending me to a Spa next week to get a makeover and electrolosis, whatever that is, to get me ready for the weddin week after next. Do ye thank Mandy Sue and Sallie Jane would like to be my flower girls? And Lil Tater could be the ring bearer, iffen he wants to. Bubbles the monkey boy wuz gonna be it but he backed out on account of he has fallen in love wit me and is jealous of Mikey and won't have nuthin to do wit the whole thang now. Mikey's real upset about it and trying to talk Bubbles into walking me down the aisle and givin me away. But right now, he wont even come out of his little jungle room that Mikey made fer him. He even has his own banana trees and a creek and a waterfall and everthang in thar. I wish ye could see it! Well, ya'll let me know when ye can come on out. Is Myra Elvira a comin with ye? I caint wait to slap that gal right good. She's too uppity fer me ever since she went to that fancy girl's school and learnt manners and all. That just ruined her whole life! Well, I gots to go. E tv is interviewing me in a few minutes about the movie. Caint wait to see ya'll week after next. I love ya'll and everthang!

Tater,this here's Hillary. I's don't know whut ta be callin myself these days.I's so cunfussed.I got ta be 'onhest wit ye,I been lookin fer a nuther man.Yea,I toles Gladis boy I's 'us a waitin fer 'im.I counted ta three on ye Tater.I been gittin rite useta doin ma chores wit jest thet strange womin in tha lookin glass a watchin me.It's kinda nice not havin a mans eyes on my all a time.Ima gittin used ta it.It is kinda hard gittin used ta tha Haint a lookin at me outa the castle outhouse winder tho.So's yous a wantin ta come home are ye?Tell me Tater,do's you luv me or are ya jest wantin ta see thet new couch n big screen t.v.?I know yore ob session has got a strong hold on ye.You'd say annythang ta git yore fix.You really need some help,Tater.I thank I'll contact tha CTVAA(thets couch not See).nT.V.annonimous association.Git ye sume help n we'll talk.Later Tater.....
HillBilly Hick(thets Youngan useta be

Dear Big Sistar,Jessy Jane,I'm on break from my new job at the DQ(that’s Dairy Queen.I allays knew I'd be a queen sumeday or at least in tha court ) and thought I'd drop you a line.The job is going rathar well.I've only been repramanded once and I promised ta nevar touch tha curtains againe. Although tha boss man,Mr. King, thought I looked rathar cute in tha mini drapery skirt with tha DQ's all ovar it.Oh I just love rubbing elbows,so ta speak,with royalty.I received yore invitation but I must dacline.I don't think Mr. King can do without me at the moment.You see,he's rathar short handed.It seems that since I arrived ,all the othar princesses became insanely jealous an run off.Whats thet Mr. Boss Man?.....Baby Ruth Blizzard?Why...I don't know nuthin bout birthin no baby ruth blizzards!Well,dear sistar I must get back to my subjects....kisses

Myra Elvira.

Brooock..hickup...brooooooohick....Hehehenny pennnney heree.I have an annnou uh something ta say...Who cares about feathers!Haaa We got all tha corn we can drinnnk.Hickup!Haaaa brock brock.Cocka doodle Hicka doodle..Cockadoodle Hicka doodle...uh Everyone...put yore heads under yore wings....night night......