Humm Humm Hummmmm,Cockadoodle Hicka doodle,I like thet song you chickins hav beena sangin.Here's ye sume more corn....Oh look it's ma new garden magazine in tha maily box "Ragweed n Cuckleburs"Well...thares Miss Chrysanthamum on tha cover.She's dune won a prize!Wit Miss Buttercups Venus Fly Trap!!!Oh ma goodness.HillBilly Hick here...aginShe's dune stole it n passin it oft as her'sns.Thets jest wrong.I recken she'll git her due one ov these days.

Now Miss Liplicker that ain't no way to be a talking bout somebody's sister,not that it matters to me coz I ain't got no sister name of Lucille.Now if ya went an talked bout my sister Brunhilde-jo Bogg that away she'd likely be out to give ya an old fashoned county butt whooping,and let me tells ya with that metal hat with the bulls horns stickin ouuta the sides it can be a rite hurtfull thang to happen to a body,I knows! Now that Youngan girl who talked so ugly abouts me,oh
thats right she done changed her name to Hick now,anyways it was her who was talkin bout a
muleskinnin I took that to mean she was a talkin bout Clyde/Wilbur.If she done changed her mind its no reason to be talkin hatefull bout me,I ain't her old man after all .Now Miss Liplicker anytime you want to come a visitin down in Bogg Holler just come on down,but ya best watch what ya say to Brunhilde-jo.Well Gots to go hook ma up to the plow now that I ain got no horse.Y'all come back now,ya hear!

Bocephas Bogg Bogg Holler YeeHaw@trailerpark.com

Dear Commander Feller and Bluzok: Ya'll is more than welcome to come to the wedding of Mikey and myself the week after next. I'm shore my intended will be happy to show you how to dance one of his cute little dances on the moon or not. He dances all the time, day or night. He has even taught me how to do the Moonwalk dance. I did it at the cast wrap party for my new movie "Sasquatch's Woman." They even took a pitcher of me fer Peephole Magazine, I think it was, August edition. Look fer it. Well, Quiblon, baby, I've got to get back to sending out my weddin invitations. My sister Myra Elvira told me she weren't coming, do you thank you could zap her out here to Californey from outta that Dairy Queen in Woodbury?? I shore would appreciate it! Can't wait to see ya and all your kind. We's gonna have us a real good shindig that day. Shimoy! and thank ye. Yore friend, Jessy Jane Hick, soon to be Jackson P.S. Could you maybe do something about this alien girl that lives here at the Ranch? She's really getting on my last nerve. I would pay you 250,000 bleems to send her back to Mars

Dear Miss Karonut, I thanks ye for taking up fer me after them hatefull thangs that Liplicker gal been sayin.Maybes we be a needin to esplain the evil of her ways to her with some tar and a bag full of feathers.I done showed Brunhilde-Jo the thangs she said and that Liplicker gal is in fer the granddaddy of all country butt whoopins. Now Miss Karonut I don't mean to be causing harm to yer repyatayshun coz nosey people sees me a comin to yer house to learns about comep-youterz n all and Ma is gettin too old to be a pullin the plow,what with no horse and all.and you are purdier
than a pail full of hog slops and real nice too ! So I figure maybe we should just get hitched real civilyzed like.that way you can pull the plow and I can keep ya going in a straight line and thens we can plant the corn I sells to Hillbilly Pappy.We won't never be rich but wez can be happy and have about a dozen or so youngins who we can put ta work plowing and plantin while we watch tv and play with the comep-youter. Ima pine'n away awaitin the hear your REply,you sweet thang u

Bocephas Bogg Bogg Holler YeeHaw@trailerpark.com
 

GREETINGS WOODBURIANS:

On behalf of Her Royal Majesty, the Queen, I would like to inform you of her progress. As you know, she was injured in the aerial accident last month and has since been recuperating in an undisclosed location. At this time, the Queen is still far from normal, that is to say, far from her normal capacities and abilities to rule and reign. In her stead, Bleezar the Wizard and myself, B. A. Butler, Esquire, have been coping as best we can. We are hoping for her full recovery before the Hollywood wedding of JessyJane and her beau, Micheal, to be held the week after next. The Queen is especially fond of Micheal Jackson, and of the bride to be too, of course. Her Highness is still suffering from amnesia, prostate problems and hemmorhoids as well as a broken collar bone and catapult. She is capable of doing nothing presently but to lie there with a dazed look on her face, mumbling about "I'll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!" I believe she is referring to Hexthrowr and continues to blame him for all of her current problems. Recently, the Hexthrowr sent out a pseudo-apology and offered to work with us in the spirit of friendship but I don't believe that colaboration is forthcoming at this time.
(Note: We cannot return your silver service, Mr. Thowr, because Bleezar melted it down and made the Queen a pinky ring to cheer her up) At any rate, we are busy with various projects on our own and keeping an eye on the citizens of your fair county. Bleezar is working with Pappy Buddy to concoct a new elixir that tastes good and also prevents poison ivy. I know many of you will be happy to know that as poison ivy has been breaking out all over the town and country side and the jail is now full of suffering, naked,innocent people who are guilty of nothing more than cases of extreme itching. But be cheered, townspeople! Help is on the way!!! I must be off now. The Queen has awakened and is calling for her, er, tea. She also seems to be tearing at her clothing and scratching ferociously. I fear the evil ivy has reached our abode! ( Coming, Your Pain-in-the-Buttness! It is I, your loyal butler, chef, doctor, housekeeper, gofer and secretary-receptionist. I am coming with your elix--- tea! Never fear.B.A. is here.)
In closing, let me say that we are working on the problem of the school dress code and have come up with some really wonderful ideas.
Bleezar wants the students to wear inner tubes but I, myself, am leaning toward a standard full suit of armor with matching chasity belts.
Great game the other night, Football Players. We watched it from the top of the big cedar tree. Our hiding place was almost given away when Mole#65 was levitated past us in the 3rd quarter and startled Bleezar so bad that he dropped his Slurpee on the rotond redhead in the fourth row. (Sorry) Fortunately, the t.v. lights from Fox News Network blinded the crowd and players temporarily and no one noticed. In retaliation, Bleezar levitated Hexthrowr over to the Dairy Queen and deposited him onto the hot hamburger grill and the Lions were able to win the game without further disturbance. Until next time, this is your Co-ruler and County Overseerer,

B.A.Butler,ESQ. Cheerio !

Lest it be said that I am not civic minded,I shall go to the board of education-No no no Not about that dress code,but to offer my services,free of charge mind you,as a cooking teacher because of the vacancy in home Ec.I can visualize it now; Ah! the students will learn to cook Hexr's Fajitas! Now class take 1 lb of imported british beef and slice into 1" wide strips,next slice a red and green pepper and an onion,now add 1 lb of cayanne pepper to that and top it off with a cup of nitro glycerine. Oh! I have to go speak with coach burnedbun,it seems my pet python has eaten all the footballs and the team can't practice,Now class while I'm gone take all those things and put it in the shake n bake bag and shake it rigorously,no Suzie you won't need to put it in the oven,it is self heating !
Hexthrowr Topothehill@catapultingbuffalothroughtheuprights.hex Hexbury Plantation

I was starting to think something underhanded has happened to our friend across the pond,Squire Chris.But then I remembered he has been spending all his time either holed up in the castle awaiting the arrival of that Hick girl,then he was running about the english countryside fox hunting,playing cricket and golfing in Scotland that he must have got behind in his Longbow practice because as the Dumb Laws page says 'All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy' So I suppose he is making up for all the practice he has missed to keep from being thrown off of that Tower in London.
Hexthrowr Topothehill@catapultingbuffalothroughtheuprights.hex Hexbury Plantation

Hayu Misser Lodligous !!! We chinee been gone dlopped big granger retting Gradis go eh ?
You pay top dorrar for Gradis eh? We fink us chinee deserlve pletty good leward affer having lebuild arf Gleat Warr to kleep smerry bugger Gradis out. If we get Gradis back wot you gone pay ? It gotta be broody good for us chinee to go froo all that again. We no even sure how we goin get Gradis back but me rittle bluvver ( Me Flung Dat ) finks we could pletend clazy Gradis goin wlong way and wave Dixie frags an get arr Chinee peoples to sing Dixie song? Maybe he stupid enuf - we goin tly that wun an sending crever rittle bluvver down Yerrow Liver now tly catch up wiv Gradis before he get to Japan - Broody Japarese get all best ruck....! They cheat too - we teach Japarese all crever Ku Fu an they craim they invent and carr it Kalate !!! Tipcal broddy Japarese - huck sphtoo !!! Anyways you send ploper quote for Original Gradis we see what can do - hokay ? Peoples Lepbric of Chinee already confiscate all picures of holibble Gradis but we see wot can do. Brest Legards Hoo Flung Dat and rittle bluvver Me Flung Dat

ARR CHINEE PEOPLE TOGEVER NOW - VELLY LOUD PREASE !!!

(Hokay Hokay) must no folget Rittle BluverMe Flung Dat

My Sweetheart Dear Mr. Bocephas Boggs: YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!!!
I thought you would never (hick) ask! I would love to bare yore childrn and plow the garden out back of the trailer park!!! Hick. excuse me, I am just so excited, I can't breathe. hick. Oh, I must bake you a cake! An Elixir Cake!! We'll celebrate! (right after me, you and Brunhilde Jo kick some Liplicker butt!) hick. Oh, I love ya, Bocephas! I just love ya! Oh, I can't wait to change my name from Surp to Boggs!!! Put that in yore gossip column, SallySue, you Old Maid, never- even- been- a- bridesmaid, know-nothing- been-nowheres-lariat- toting-can't-even-catch-a possum COWGIRL!!!!! (Tell yore Mama to take the curlers outta her hair if she comes to My wedding!!!)

Ms. Karonut -hick- Surp YeeHaw Trailer Park - hick!

Dear Mrs. Youngin: I regret to inform you that the horny toad that you have in your possession is not your former or present husband. He is an imposter, I'm afraid. You see, I was present at the scene of the "sheriff's couch in the swamp" accident recently and observed you swooping up the bullfrog and making haste to avoid the authorities. Sorry to say you made off with the wrong toad. It is my sad duty to report to you the sudden demise of your former/present husband, Tater Youngin and to tell you of the events that led up to his unfortunate ending. Bleezar and I were called upon by Mr. Youngin, to assist him in removing the couch from said swamp, after the piece of furniture was set in flight by the mischieveous ghostly friend of Mr. Hexthrowr, )Town Nuisance and All Around Twit). Sailing from the back of the Air Stream trailer and depositing itself in the mud and muck, the sofa began to sink below the surface. It just so happened that Bleezar and myself were passing over the scene on one of the flying buffaloes confiscated from the afore-mentioned phoney baloney wizard and seeing Mr. Youngin in so much distress, we offered to assist him for the small token of a black and white t.v. set. Bleezar the Magnificent set about performing one of his alien rituals and was in the process of levitating the couch from the swamp, (there were lightning bolts flying, and wonderful explosions and day turned to night there for a moment) when suddenly in the very midst of the spell, your apathetically inbred husband gave a yelp and jumped into the pathway of the laser-like beam emanating from Bleezar's finger. Alas! Madam, he was turned into a frog right before our very eyes! It was at this moment that we observed several Cannon County patrol cars heading in our direction with sirens blasting and bright lights flashing and we hid ourselves in the confines of the Air Stream. As we anxiously watched and pondered our next move, we beheld not only your "husband-turned-frog" hop under the Sheriff's car, croaking in absolute terror, but there came another toad hopping up from the swamp who tried to join him. This is when you, yourself came upon the scene and in all of the chaos and excitement, you made off with the wrong toad before we could do anything about it.(You should have heard that frog scream as he watched you drive away in that haybaling truck! I shall never forget him calling your name) It quite wrenched our hearts out. Bleezar and I drank some of his invisibility potion just as the deputies made their way to the trailer and we vanished in the nick of time to avoid capture. Upon entering the Air Stream, the ghost that has taken up residence in the kitchenette made his presence known and the two deputies screamed, their hair turned white, they ran out and climbed the Sheriff like a tree, whereupon the ghost kissed the Sheriff smack on the lips, slapped him on the posterior and the three of them jumped into one patrol car and sped off like men on fire!!!
And yes, Mrs. Youngin, your husband Tater was under that patrol car. Bleezar and I feel just terrible about this whole incident and wish we could make it all up to you somehow. If the Sheriff had not squished your husband like he did, Bleezar could have turned him into anything you liked. As it is, however, we have done the only thing we could do. The couch was levitated out of the swamp, placed back in the trailer, cleaned as best we could, the trailer was left parked outside the jail back door and Tater's remains have been made a permanent part of the Sheriff's sofa in his memory. Once again, we are so sorry. If there is anything we can do, please feel free to call upon us. I thought you would want to know the truth and not be made to house, feed and care for a frog that is Not your husband.

Our deepest sympathies, B.A. Butler and Bleezar

DAN RATHERNOT REPORTING!! ALONG WITH MISS IMA STUTTERING----------FROM BRADYVILLE, TENNESSEE, RIGHT OUTSIDE WOODBURY, ON OLD MOONSHINE ROAD, NEAR THE TENPENNY SWAMP IN HICKORY HOLLER.------------------------------------------------------

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS A SCENE OF UNEXPECTED MYSTERY!! WE DON''T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT YET. EARY THIS MORNING, THE SHERIFF AND TWO OF HIS DEPUTIES WERE CALLED TO THE TENPENNY SWAMP BY MR. TEE PEE TENPENNY, THE TOWN RECLUSE, WHO DISPATCHERS SAY CALLED IN A DISTRESS CALL AT 7:45 A.M. HE WAS BABBLING ABOUT A DISTURBANCE ON HIS PROPERTY AND REQUESTED ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUTHORITIES. WHAT HAPPENED THEN, WE CAN ONLY SURMISE. LATER THIS MORNING, THE SHERIFF AND HIS TWO MOST TRUSTED DEPUTIES ARRIVED AT THE STONES RIVER HOSPITAL IN A STATE OF ABSOLUTE SHOCK, WHEREUPON THEY WERE ALL THREE ADMITTED AND OFFICIALS REFUSE TO GIVE OUT ANY INFORMATION. MISS STUTTERING AND I RUSHED TO THE SCENE OF THE TENPENNY SWAMP TO INVESTIGATE. AS THE ENCLOSED PHOTOS SHOW, SOMETHING HAPPENED HERE, WE JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT. (note the overalls, cap, socks, brogan shoes and empty, broken brown jug just laid out on the ground as if someone had just been sucked out of them) Notice the absence of a shirt and underwear. Note the thick green slime on the ground right in the middle of a tire track. See the scorched, burned greenery and trees surrounding the swamp. See Old Man Tenpenny sticking his head out of his shack 50 yards to the left. notice that he's not dressed. He refuses to speak to us, listeners, in spite of all of our bribes and threats.)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMANTION CONCERNING THIS LATEST CANNON COUNTYCONTROVERSY?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE? DO YOU-----what, Miss Stuttering? A trailer has just been found parked outside the jail? The missing Sheriff's couch has been found inside it?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I HAVE JUST MADE ANOTHER AMAZING DISCOVERY! I AM NOW ENROUTE TO THE WOODBURY SHERIFF'S OFFICE TO BRING YOU A LIVE REPORT I WILL BE BACK ON THE AIR LIVE IN JUST A FEW MINUTES. Ima, stay right here. I'll be right back. No, stand right there. By the swamp. No, that old man won't hurt you. No, you can't come. THIS IS DAN RATHERNOT REPORTING WITH MISS IMA STUTTERING STANDING BY AT THE SWAMP.

 ===============================

THE PREVIOUS LIVE REPORT FROM WBRY REPORTER MR. DAN RATHERNOT WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY----------------------------------

MR. DAN RATHERNOT. PAID FOR OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET. CAUSE WE DON'T GOT NO MONEY FOR THIS KIND OF STUFF. WE SHOT OUR BUDGET ON COVERING THE LAST LIONS FOOTBALL GAME AND THE LAST COW ASS.CONFERENCE HELD HERE LAST WEEKEND. THE MANAGEMENT.

Dear Mr. Quiblon,yes,pleased to make your acquaintance.I am now President of the Woodbury Garden Club.I have gained recognition by my efforts to greatly raise the standards for fellow gardeners.Yes,I have, won the regionals competition and now will be in the internationals very soon.I am in quite a predicament tho,I must say.My venus fly trap is looking poorly and I am forced to seek help or I may never win again! I don't know if I should tell you but I aqcuired the prize winning plant underhandedly.Yes,you see,I rescued it so to speak when Miss Buttercup went missing.I really don't know what her secret was for sustaining this plant but I am at a loss.I have knowledge that you have a certain power over people and ofcourse circumstances,which brings me to my request,yes:I am in desperate need of Flies.I have heard of the infamous Gladis and I hope to persuade you to send him to me A.S.A.P.Yes,please contact me with your 'deal'.I am prepared to pay anything.Thank You.

Miss Gladiola Chrysanthamum

Dear Empress Quiblara the Beautiful: Mama, I aint coming back no matter how you threaten me. I tried to return to the Mothership on many occasions but Quiblon would not allow it. He refused all of my pleas for help and even called me an imposter. Therefore, I have decided to make Woodbury my home, however backwards and unscientific it may be. I have lots of new friends and am quite enjoying the competition going on with the resident wizard here called Hexthrowr. I have already apologized to Mr. Tater Youngin's poor unfortunate widow about the mishap last week but it really wasn't my fault. We later ascertained that the ghost that Hexthrowr had sent to live in Tater's kitchenette had snuck up behind him and put an ice cube down his overalls just as I was zapping the couch with my XBNOPlaserray beam. As you know, all homo sapien or humanoid objects are turned into toads upon contact with the XBNOP. I couldn't help it, Mama. Please give my love to all of my many siblings and tell them I love them all but I am not coming home. I am having Way too much fun!! This planet is highly amusing. (especially Woodbury) Besides, down here, the only one I have to answer to is the Queen. (and the Butler)(and only when I want to.)

Thus Speaketh Quiblon,Exalted Commander of Spaceship LXR-4,and Soon to be Exalted Sheriff and Supreme Exalted Commander of Cannon County Earth**
Greetings inferior Humans ! I, Quiblon,hereby announce to you Humans that once I become Sheriff and Supreme Commander of Cannon County,Earth I shall direct that Construction begin on the Cannon County University on land that has been,coincidently,cleared by a fire of unknown origin.^^ I,Quiblon, intend to appoint my able but somewhat brain addled former Translation Specialist Bleezar as Exalted Dean of Cannon County University and also plan to name Hillbilly Buddy as Exalted Professor of Elixology and Wheenie Wilbur as Exalted Professor of Interspecies Communications,Provided of course they agree to the appointments.^^As the Construction of the University progresses and more areas of Study become operational I, Quiblon, shall call on other Locals to fill positions of Honor (and high pay) at the University,Locals who have been Helpfull to Quiblon.^^Let this be a lesson to you humans,those who have helped and aided Quiblon in the study of your Species and in the free flow of the substance Elixir shall be rewarded !

So Shall it be^^  - Quiblon Has Spoken!

From: Quiblara,Grand Empress of the TransGalactic Imperium

To: Bleezar
Bleezar,you be a good boy and do what you are told ! or you will be grounded on homeworld for the next several millenium.I only let you go to Earth with Quiblon because you promised to behave.and Commander Quiblon took you as a favor to me.Now I will send Geebob to Quiblon,when you report in to him he will give Geebob to you.Now as to this Human Hexthrowr-this Human is NOT the school principal,the school principal was setting beside this human Hexthrowr wearing the human hexthrowr's pointy hat,(these humans are truely odd creatures) you teleported the wrong human onto that grill.How do I know this? lets just say a little blue plrfffz told me.There is nowhere you can go that I do not know what you are getting into,Now Behave yourself ! Now you do what you are told before Quibloz finds out how bad you are being,you know how your father gets when you misbehave.

What strange things occur around dusk ! Why I was just sitting on the porch sipping an iced tea,when Lo and behold,this green person wearing a rubber duckie floats overhead (I guess he drank too much of pappys elixir).So using a minor hex I popped a hole in his rubber duckie and this feller takes off in all directions like a balloon when you let the air out.Oh the hollow sounds he made whe his head collided with the trees,then the yelps he made as he tumbled down into the Holler below as he made contact with Miss Hick's Sticky traps,and the ompf sound he made as he came to an abrupt stop when he smacked into the wall of that Rock castle outhouse,I almost feel sorry for him,but one shouldn"t violate Hexbury Plantation airspace without permission.last I saw those Youngan youngins were having a good ole time tire ironing him by the rock castle outhouse