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The
2002
WOODBURY HILLBILLIES
(click the flag if you dont hear the music )
If'n yo got sum time on yo're hands ya'll can send a message
for the page by clickin on that thar Squire fella down thar bottom.
having fallen madly in love with the lovely Tennessee
Hillbilly(Hillbilly Youngan) girl has crossed half the world to get to Tennessee but due
to the dastardly Taliban terrorists has been dragged back to Afghanistan and dropped
secretly into the country. He's been told that Hillbilly Youngan is on vacation in one of
the caves and is wearing a false beard - he must herefore explore all the caves to find
her.
( Youngans big sister) is at Neverland with her sweetheart ( and all round
having
been rejected by the lovely ( ? ) JessyJane, has given up the bottle and taken to the
still and is hoping to make his fortune trading Elixir and Outhouses with the Alien,
Quiblon.
The Exalted Quiblon 
Commander
of Spacecraft LXR4, having failed in his efforts to gain the vacant sheriff's job is doing
his best to intoxicate all the voters before the next election with the hope of achieving
his aims.
of the Starship McGonagle and is still circling the globe with his viscious
crew of women from the Glasgow Ladies Knitting Circle.
Messages spin across
the world with additional comments from Hillbilly relatives and friends ' The True Queen
of England '
(Certified Nut ) and other equally nutty Hexthrowr 
whos eyesight is begining to cause great concern
in the town of Woodbury as well as his constant tossing of various animals and items
across the skies of Woodbury
A strange new
phenomena has appeared in Woodbury from the old country of England in the form of
A highly suspicious character who seems to resemble a mild mannered English Reporter (and Squire) - he appears in many different guises which seem to have some link to his love of the movies.
Fear not my good American friends - I can now reveal that our British Secret weapon has arrived and is loose in Afghanistan !!! Can any of you guess what utter terror can make people flee in their thousand to all four corners of their country? Leaving homes and their belongings behind to crowd terrified behind the borders of ANY country ? We must apologise to the poor innocents who have been deprived of their safety by this act but soon they will understand that it was done for their ultimate good. For those friendly Muslim countries who now may be close to calling us inhuman we beg forgiveness but there is nothing in the Geneva Convention about using THIS !!! - YES - the ULTIMATE WEAPON against terrorism - our very own GLADIS !!! We give thanks to the brave American pilots who risked their lives ( and noses) to whisk him away from the shores of Japan to drop him silently and secretly close to the rocky hideout of those who have done everything to deserve their fate !!!
Bin Laden - you have been warned - that is more than you had the
humanity to do -
GLADIS IS BACK- AND HE'S PISSED !
( English for drunk of course)
Secret Squire Chris - England
Oh, yeah, I fergot to say howdy to The Fancy Lawnmower English Boy that dont exist. Tha
one that broke my heart and kept sendin me on them wild goose chases all over tarnation a
tryin ta find 'im! I heered tell they done made a movie about you, son. Starrin BillyBob
Thornton. Called "The Man Who Wasn't Thar." Uh-hum. Give my love to Gladis. I
heered he got hisself in a pickle with the Tallyband fellers and got throwed in a cave
somewheres. Least, I'm purty shore that wuz him I seen on C N N. Smelled like 'im. (Mikey
has a smellovision set) Ugh! I caint stand it myself. It smells bad enough down here with
the elephants and crocodiles and aliens and monkey people. But it makes Mikey happy and
that's all that counts. Mikey's happy. Ok! I'm a comin! (Mikey wants ta play Mummy an Big
Daddy agin) Bye now. See ya in England!!!!
JessyJane
Howdy, Happy New Year's and Hot dang! I shore did ppreciate all them fine greetins and
wishins and stuff. I shore been a missin you'uns all back thar in Cannon County and
everthang. I even been missin Hillbilly Buddy and Pappy and pullin tha plow and all that
tomfoolery. I'se been in a top secret, underground rehabilitation type place a gettin ma
new face and figure so's I kin be purty and human-like when me and Mikey gits married tha
week after next. (We's been in hidin from tha terrifiers) Y'know, O Say Ma Been Lard In.
He sent out threats to ma Mikey and Bubbles and sayed he wuz gonna blow up Neverland so
we's been in Mikey's underground Neverland. It looks jest like the above ground Neverland
'cept thar aint no sunshine. Them animals shore make a mess down here though. Anyhows, I
have had whut they call Plastic Surgery on my face and everwheres else. I am all wrapped
up like that mummy thang in the motion pictures. I caint wait ta see muyself in a few
days. I jest hope I don't come out lookin like LaToya. Everbody and everthang 'round here
looks like LaToya. 'Specially Micheal. Well, sorry you aint heard from me and we aint had
the premere of my movie er nuthin but you understand what we all been a goin through with
the terrifiers loose. Has thar been any terrifiers in Woodbury that you know of, besides
tha sheriff? I aint heered no news out of Woodbury since we been underground. We jest
watch old Elizabeth Taylor movies day and night and eat seaweed soup and multi-vitamins.
Yuck! Shore would love ta have me one of them baked possums that you fix so well, Lil
Sissy Hillbilly Youngan. You know fer my birthday. My my my, my mouth is a waterin now!
Well, gotta go. "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" is startin now (fer the 898th time!)
Ya'll be good, stay safe and kiss all yourselves fer me. You'll be seein me and hearin
from me soon over in London, England (the real one) soon as these bandages come off. Happy
New Year Everbody. God bless Hillbillies and Rednecks everwher. Shamoy!
JessyJane - NeverLand, Ca USA
Ahboo-hoo-hoo Ahboo-hoo-hoo,Oh I just can't baleive it!Oh why did that alien fella evar beem me to Nevarland?Justa beem me back when I was abouta make ma new wardrobe.Oh they said it waz bacause ov tha threats n all but I know...I know.Just ta find tha Dairy Queen closed down.What'll I evar do now!?I have no subjects no more.I just knew it would fall without me.Lost all my titles just bacause ov that wedding week aftar next.OOooo that Jessy Jane!!!!
Myra Elvira Hick, The Woodbury Vamp !
Dear Big Sissy.....so glad ta here from yeu...finnally!HillBilly Youngan here again.Christmus wuz shore differnt witout yeu being here.It took four uv us ta cut down tha tree wit tha cross cut saw n drag it into tha house n stick tha top ov it upt thru tha hole in tha middle ov tha roof.(member yue usly do thet)Ma clumbed upt tha antenner pole ta put tha star fish on top. (thet Margaret Mary n Mary Margaret sent us from ther vakashion in Flardi last summer)At wuz tha onliest star we had.We dekorated it wit all our luminum cans n all tha wish bones we'd beena savin since last yere.Possum tales n coon tales made a rite nice garland too.I got tha youngans ta spritz it ever night wit water sos we'd hav them icesickles hangin alls overs it that yeus sa fond ov in yore onner.Them youngans shore had fun a skatin in tha livin room when it refroze ever night.We hung won uv yore socks upt n got it full ov thangs that yue luv so much.I do wish yeud come n collect it fer I shore am tard ov pickin em upt ever day when they falls out ov tha hole in tha toe.It wuz rather a misty holiday fer ma famly fer we knoed that Tater toad would probly wonta go home ta be wit his own kind.We truely luved him I must say.Tha youngans harts wuz just broke after he left.He wuz tha best daddy they ever had.Its nearly tha new yere ya knoe and yue know whut hardship thet holds fer us.Thet thare tree in tha livin room is that onliest protection we have from tha winter wind ,rain n snow.Well we allas manage sumhows.Did ya say yeus headdin fer england soon?Whut does thet mean....is yue kickin Mickey to tha curb n going after yure first luv agin?Please rite me back soon...k?Gotta go,gotta take tha blow torch n git them pillers un froze from tha walls....its nearly bedtime.
Hillbilly Youngan
"I jest wonta be an old pig farmer"This here is Frayed Bungie
on BWR&YBarbed Wire Radio & Yotallers sent out thru every barbed wire fence in tha
county!50 mghrtz and we are proud ta announce we will soon be alotted an additional mghtz
when summer gits here.Yall may hear us in tha hollers yet!Annyhows we're here with
Mr.Turni P. Greens from tha county extension office.Thank you Mr. Bungie....We are proud
to report that everyone had a bumper crop of turnip greens this fall(my personal favorite)
and even tho its winter all report large stores of crops to git us thru.Ma Hick reports
that shes got a hunderd jars of pickled green tamaters,pickled okry,pickled squash,
pickled beets, pickled peppers ,pickled eggs and pickled pickles in store,not to mention
Pa Hicks is usually pickled as well.(Pa calls it a cookin accident)Come on by if anyone is
in need.Ma's tender vittles cookbook makes a fine gift as well.What a humanitarium!
Regretably I must announce that we lost out fame by Miss Gladiola Chrisanthamum. She was a
no show at the international garden compitetion.No explaination was given and no one has
seemed to have heard from her.We sure missed the 250 thousand lighted poinsettas that
usually covers her house every Christmas.It was reported that her house seemed abandoned
and apparently overtaken by some sort of tree.Branches and roots were growing out of all
the windows and doors.Hum curious.Oh well, the wbry cow ass. would like to welcome
everyone to a ham breakfast this saturday.They regret they can't serve steak and will use
the procedes to try to purchase a new heard from Mrs. Youngan.Uh that is if she will stop
shooting arrows from the bow flex exercise equipment in her outhouse at them long enough
to hear their offer.Well thats the farm show for today. Thank you Mr Bungie and join us
next time!"I just want ta be an ole pig farmer....I just want to be......"
I whhould like to say "Thhhank you Cannon County for accepting me so graciously
after all the revelations thhat came out in 2001."I never realized whhat fame whhould
come from being a 'streaking jack ass'.My debt to Whoodbury has been paid in full and I am
proud to announce that my newly revised Wilburs Hillbilly Dictionary is now out!Hopefully
i can be voted back in as the Horse...no no the Mule of the one Hors..no no no .Maybe it
can be a One Mule Town!?Whhat origionallity!Just one more thing to put us on the
map.County seat ,shotguns,cannons,politics and rolling hills.A lovely place to be!
WHEENIE WILBUR
HeyHexer!I see tha parties alsready begun.Yeu n Wilbur is makin it a
spectater sport tho.Ya'lls need ta git involved wit tha hillbillies ya'll support sa
well.Yea, this is HillBilly Youngan agin.....It's Stupor Bowl Sunday,Hillbilly Moonshine
Drankin Championship.(Thets whare they poor tha elixer in them big bowls n see who kin
drank it tha fastest)Too bad Taters in tha pin tho,he usully wins this one.I likes ta see
him wearin that barrell too.I thank Im'a gona put on that thare weddin dress I made outa
ducttape n inter in tha beauty contest.Im shore ta win this yere!We's all ready fer tha
party,wees got pickled pigs feet,chitlins,pork rinds n even sprung fer thet delicasy tha
store carries,sardines in them little fancy cans!We got fresh buttermilk(compliments ov
Ole Bessie too)Oh its gona be a fun day!Well Is gotta go,gosta put sume final touches on
this here gown.........
WHEENIE WILBUR
Yeah Wilbur I agree,strange happenings are going on down in the Hollers
today.Oh wait! It's Super Sunday! which is also the Hillbilly Stuporbowl Moonshine
Drinking Championship.Oh my,where did they get those uniforms? why one of those gents is
staggering around wearing a barrel and hey,Wilbur, isn't that the kid who wore the
inner-tube in the pagent this year? Would you like another drink Wilbur? then we'll see
about causing some mischief down there.
Hexthrowr, Hexbury Plantation,Tn.
Hey thare,Hi thare,Ho thare,thares ladybugs all over me!Hey thare,Hi thare ho thare so many I can't even see!This winters got ta come back and brang a big ole snow.Make them buggies huddle so's I kin make em go.dooddle do do do,dooddle do do do,do da dododo!An when theys in a wad now I'll wear ma big ole boots.I'll say a little prayer now that'll make em wants ta scoot.I'll gather all tha kin now and do tha ladybug stomp.We'll scoop em up in buckets and throw em in tha swomp!Dooddle do da do do do!Theys in tha bed,they's in tha sink .They's in tha water ya can't even drank!Tha walls is orange, tha house isa speckled.Tha vacuum's a stinkin,tha drains is clogged,I'd almost rather have a plague of frogs!Come on youngans git yure friends.Lets git on our boots n brang tha end.Grab tha bangers n tha fiddles too.Get yure stength up wit some possom stew. Lets git ready fer a little romp and wipe em out with tha ladybug stomp!Do da do do do!
WOODBURY HILLBILLIES - CHAPTER 8
Squire, the Fancy Englishman
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