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I am now a woman.
Good isn't it? And of course I'm having a wonderful time with my washing
machine. However, my esteemed and beloved flatmate Jenny tells me that I
cannot be a woman just because I talk in a squeaky voice and run round
the flat squealing over Ronan Keating. She says I need certain changes
made to my body and that being a woman isn't all about having tits and
better orgasms.
P'shaw! What does she know?
Anyway, it's Whimsy time and I feel good. Why? Because.
Special guests today are three. I've just enjoyed an excellent bank
holiday where I received many visitors to the Funky Pad. It's always
good to receive, and everyone except Nimrod is always welcome at our
place. Two visitors who were very welcome were Vicki and James. Vicki
was the first woman to walk across water without the aid of oxygen.
Because of this, she is now confined to her room where she lives on a
crucifix-shaped bed and speaks in tongues. This hasn't stopped her from
writing the definitive book on the life and times of that classic
American rock band, Guns n' Roses. James looks after her on a
round-the-clock basis. Well that's what she thinks. James is actually
the Archbishop of Chudleigh Budleigh Salterton and he doesn't give
interviews anymore. It was good to see you both this weekend. Stay cool
you crazy cats.
Our next special guest is the voluptuous goddess that is Sarah Evans.
Sarah helped me through my addiction to Morphine with a programme of
tough love and tender caress. Now, thanks to her, I am merely a Crack
addict and all better for it. Sarah was a sheep rustler on the Orkney
Island of Hoy then became a Turkey Rustler in the American state of
Kentucky. Now she is a prisoner of war and is interred in a slave-labour
camp somewhere on the Southern Welsh border with England. Someday I hope
to make a film of her struggle and I will call it Bridge on the River
Wye.
Sarah is a symptom of Whimsy in that it has become something of a
samizdat publication. As a result, there are a few people who get the
Whimsy smuggled to them on a weekly basis. This perturbs me because I
like to hear from everyone who receives the Whimsy and some of you are
receiving it without my knowledge. Dammit! Do I do this for you? Of
course I do, but I like to hear from you. And yes I do mean you, Jed
Alder and Mike Thompson. And Donna Duguid? Whither are you? And anybody
I've never met but comes across this Whimsy is welcome to e-mail me on
the Whimsy webpage:
www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html>
Aaaaaaaaaeatmebabyitasteofbeef Welcome to all
Facial Expression of the Day - Frowning. Frowning is great because you
can express displeasure without shouting at people. I don't frown much
and when I do I am accused of being a Mr. Meanie Grumpyface. Mind you,
frowning is a good way to let off steam. A serious frown can alert
passers-by to your distress whereas a minor frown can be used as a cue
to manipulate conversations in your direction. Even better is the
outraged look of disgust that can be used at a high-level board meeting,
not to mention a look of extreme annoyance that can cause a noisy twat
in a cinema to keep his conversation to his inner self. But unfortunately
it is actually inefficient to frown as you use more muscles in your
face. The most muscular efficient expression is actually a smile. This
is illustrated by the upward career of Britney Spears. As you may have
noticed, Britney spent much of the "...Baby, One More Time" video
looking like she had just bitten on a wasp. Now all her videos and
promotional photographs show her to be a grinning buffoon. This is
largely because her facial fitness instructor has given her advice on
how best maximise her facial contortions. But judging from her
appearance on Top of the Pops last week, she's been taking some pretty
powerful amphetamines with all her frantic gurning.
Shop of the Day - Athena. Remember Athena? Athena was a casualty of the
late 80s. It was famous for its New-Agey posters of Humpback Whales
leaping into the air and Dolphins riding the bow-waves of supertankers.
Athena was incredibly po-faced, particularly with all the fucking Whales
and other assorted marine mammals portrayed on the walls. This was
counter-acted by an alarming amount of pictures of Chimpanzees in human
clothes doing anthropomorphic things (rather like a still life PG Tips
advertisement), and a stupendous amount of sub-Robert Mapplethorpe
photographs of muscular naked men holding babies. Not to mention the
lusty phallic shapes provided by Ferraris and Lamborghinis.
Athena folded in the early 90s for several reasons:
1) The Exxon Valdez disaster brought pictures of Whales and Dolphins
suffering at the hand of man to our TV screens. All of a sudden people
didn't want to see Cetaceans and other similar creatures like Sea Otters
dying in their thousands so people stopped buying posters out of guilt.
2) After a while people decided that photos of Chimpanzees wearing
leather jackets and sunglasses wasn't that funny. Especially when David
Attenborough's "Trials of Life" programme showed a group of cute
Chimpanzees tearing a Colobus Monkey's arm off and disembowelling it
while it was still alive and screaming
3) Only 10-year old boys and village idiots called Seth think it's cool
to have a picture of a Ferrari on your bedroom wall. I find it
disgusting and tasteless to want something you can't have (by contrast,
see Top TV Totty of the Day in recent weeks, available on the Whimsy
website and yes, I am aware of the irony). I myself drive a Fiat Tipo
and it does me very nicely. Sure, it's not penile in profile and I do
call it Abigail, but it gets me from A - B and I haven't crashed it yet.
Yes I would like a Ferrari, but to have a picture of it on my wall
merely antagonises me.
4) Everybody stopped shopping at Athena because it was a relic of the
80s.
In the 90s, posters changed. There were a lot of more overt drug-culture
references and children's telly programmes becoming regular poster
subjects - sometimes both of those ideas were used on the same poster.
Also, the infernal political correctness of the early 80s has been
replaced by the odious "New Laddism" of the 90s thanks to the success of
FHM and Loaded. Mind you, that does mean we get pictures of women with
pleasant and attractive tits. And also, the proliferation of the
internet has allowed nerds and geeks to feel proud of their posters of
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Gillian Anderson. So the power of the
Whale-tail has diminished.
Cat of the Day - Siamese. Silvery-grey bastards with a particularly
vicious streak. Haven't you seen Disney's "Lady and the Tramp"? That
should explain everything. Mind you, Siamese cats look fabulous. They
are cats that have been kitted out at Armani.
Sickness of the Day - 'Flu. 'Flu, or Influenza as it should be called,
is a very common disease and is particularly shitty. We've all had it,
we are all familiar with its awfulness. Strange that such a common
infection is so unpleasant. What are its symptoms? Well here are some of
them. Doctor Whimsy will see you now:
- Sweating in bed
- Excessive moaning
- An urge to spend the whole day in front of the telly
- A desire to take a week off work
- An ability to sound like you are dying and have your loved one make
you lots of cups of tea
The average 'flu sufferer will curl themselves into the foetal position
on the sofa and proceed to watch crap daytime TV, or as in my flat,
watch a double bill of 'The Usual Suspects' followed by 'Apocalypse
Now'. 'Flu brings out the mothering instincts in one's girlfriend for
about three days. During this period they will cuddle you, say "Awwwww",
make you tea and buy you chocolate. On the fourth day all sympathy dries
up and they are determined to say things like: "It's time to get off
your lazy arse and do some housework" or: "Why is it I always mother you
when you're ill, yet you barely break a sweat when I get sick?" or even:
"Haha, look at Mr Sickie in his makeshift bed. I'm calling in all the
local children to point at you and remind you of your childhood. Even
your mother hates you, you know."
Of course this agony lasts a week, whereupon your partner gets the
lurgie and you then live up to her expectations and completely refuse to
lend any sympathy (sample dialogue: "Well you did insist on a goodnight
kiss, I can't be blamed for you catching an illness, that's how diseases
are spread you know") because by then you are in recovery and still
smarting from the after-effects of the flu virus.
Influenza is not merely an illness that bothers the average British
human. Remember - in 1918, following World War 1, nearly 30 million
people in Europe died from an epidemic of particularly virulent
Influenza of a Black Death proportion. Now that merits a sick note.
Musician of the Day - Elton John. Born Reg Dwight in Pinner, Middlesex.
He's the Queen Mum of rock, isn't he? Once upon a time he wrote and
performed some really quite amazing tunes - Rocket Man, Benny and the
Jets, Someone Saved My Life Tonight - but a lot of his stuff is quite
appalling. Shame really, as well as being a fine classically trained pianist,
he also was a fine blues pianist with Long John Baldry and
a noted session pianist - he played on The Hollies' 'He Ain't Heavy,
He's My Brother'. His private life is quite fascinating. As well as once
being a world-class alcoholic and cocaine addict, he is also remembered for
his awesome behaviour. at one reception for him in Paris, he became
unaccountably enraged at his personal assistant and threw a wine glass
at her. She ducked and it smashed into a painting. He then instantly
fired her for ducking and then gleefully bragged about it to the press.
The subject of many scurrilous rumours, most of which he fiercely
contested in the libel courts, he eventually admitted his homosexuality
and now enjoys a reputation as one of Britains finest entertainers - put
that in your pipe and smoke it, Robbie Williams.
Following his mawkish tribute at Princess Diana's funeral, Keith
Richards decried him for having a career based on "tacky songs for dead
blondes". Brilliant. Elton threw a massive wobbly and called Keith a
wasted talent and bitched about him for a year afterwards. This prompted
Keith - the coolest man in mainstream rock - to poke back at him in an
interview in Q. When asked if he and Elton had made up after their spat
her responded: "Oh man, what an old bitch! I mean, the poison in that
old faggot's mouth. (Sarcastically) Oh yeah, we've really made up,
haven't we Reg?"
Elton John is the one with a wasted talent. How could he write such occasionally
great tunes and yet now be stuck in the mire of writing utter shit?
Tree of the Day - Yew. Classic tree of British graveyards, the oldest
tree in Britain is a Yew in a Scottish graveyard reckoned to be 3000
years old. Yew is famous for providing the best wood to make bows and
arrows out of. The leaves and the berries of the tree are lethally
poisonous. Birds love them and they don't die when they eat the berries because birds are superior forms of life.
Album of the Day - Swordfishtrombones by Tom Waits. Few albums have the
power to change your life. This is one of them. No matter how many times
I've heard it, I find it constantly thrilling and appealing. From the
opening stomp of "Underground" to the beautiful closing lament of
"Rainbirds" it is by turns hilarious, moving, funky and raw. It was a
marked contrast to Waits' early jazzy material and eschewed the sedate
balladry of his previous release, "One From the Heart". It is said
that he was so bored of writing songs based around the piano that he
chopped his Steinway Grand Piano up for firewood and instead opted for
a surreal bluesy style influenced by Captain Beefheart and the atonal
hammerings of Harry Parch, the American microtonal composer of the
1930s. He also used some of Parch's own home-made instruments on the
record which gave a really jagged edge to the recordings. A lot of help
was given to Waits by the English musician Victor Feldman - a noted
drummer, percussionist and pianist who played with artists as diverse as
Dizzy Gillepsie, Steely Dan, Joni Mitchell and Ella Fitzgerald. Waits concocted an
album of stories and vignettes. How can one fail to be moved by the
junkshop imagery of the songs "Soldiers Things" and "Town With No
Cheer"? What about the seductive groove of "Shore Leave"? What about the
lyrical quality of the title track as well as the dry wit of "Frank's
Wild Years"?
The driving blues of "16 Shells from a 30.6" and "Gin - Soaked Boy"
brought the album a down-to-Earth sensibility that was
juxtaposed by the avant-garde stylings of "Dave the Butcher" and
"Trouble's Braids". I genuinely believe it to be one of the finest albums
in popular music history and even more bizarre when you consider it was
released in 1983, rubbing shoulders with the peroxide Mullets of Duran
Duran and Spandau Ballet as well as soulless plastic stuff churned out
in America. Remember, the essential albums at that time included
Thriller by Michael Jackson and Love Over Gold by Dire Straits. Erk!
Swordfishtrombones is a truly timeless record that sounds completely at
odds with the abhorrent greed and aesthetic wasteland of the 80s and
pisses over anything done by any other artist at that time. I seriously
urge you to go out and buy this album. You will not fail to be
disappointed.
Colour of the Day - Blue. None finer. How can blue be such an evocative
colour? Songwriters love it because it is so emotionally connected. So
much music is based around the colour Blue - Obviously "The Blues" is as
descriptive as one gets. Phil Collins once gently chided Eric Clapton
for claiming to have the blues while standing on a stage wearing a $5000
Armani suit - oh, like he's an authority on the subject. Clapton's response was: "Phil, The Blues is a state of mind". Damn right.
Other classic 'Blue' mentions in contemporary music?
Well there's Miles Davis' awesome classic "Kind of Blue" album featuring
the tunes All Blues and Blue in Green. Joni Mitchell named her best
album after the colour and Elvis Costello hinted at the hue with "Almost
Blue". Any other Blue tunes? Drop me a line and name them please. Email
me at the Whimsy website.
Household Item We Can Not Live Without of the Day - Sorry about this but
I have to mention toilet paper. Apart from giving us the confidence to
last through the day, we need toilet paper for so many things:
1) Starting fires without kindling
2) Wrapping up precious ornaments before sending them through the post
3) Stuffing up the cracks - and by that I mean that your average Andrex
can get rid of tiny little draughts around window frames
4) Folding it into a pad and Sellotaping it to your arm or your chest.
This makes it look like you have been in a knife fight and is bound to
impress the opposite sex at parties. For added effect, a bit of tomato ketchup
on the inside of this makeshift bandage would not go amiss.
5) Eating. When all else fails and there is nothing left in the
cupboards, a roll of toilet paper can see you through to the next trip
to Tesco
6) As a weapon in street crimes. Nothing can confound a potential
attacker more than a roll of Kleenex hitting them right between the
eyes. It's best to then follow it up with the cry of "Give up or you'll
get another!"
See? It has so many uses! And you thought it was there for just wiping
your shitty arse....
TV Show of the Day - The Bill. Aka The Pigs, The Filth and other such
derisory names. The Bill has been going for years and, while undergoing
many changes to its format and presentation, it has kept a decent level
of quality throughout. By definition it is a soap opera but without many
features of soaps that would otherwise make it unwatchable. Witness:
1) Very few story threads. OK, they might have a two-parter every now
and again but a storyline rarely lasts for more than a week
2) Attention to detail. Wonderfully authentic portrayal of a minor
police station somewhere in London. Accents, dialogue and situations
that may be contrived but are all perfectly feasible
3) Interaction between characters. There's none of the usual crappy
domestic situations between the colleagues. The emphasis is very much on
a large cast who interact with each other, principally on a professional
level. When The Bill takes up interaction on a more emotional level
between the Coppers, it is usually all sorted out within one or two
episodes
The Bill is set in the fictional police Station of Sun Hill, somewhere
in London. These Coppers are a nice mix of ages, genders and ethnic
groups and sometimes this is used to great effect in creating some of
the tensions "behind the scenes" at a police station. Sun Hill as an
area also paints a good demographic of an urban landscape. There are
posh houses which our beloved coppers go and arrest suspicious doctors
and there are the two horrible inner-city styled housing estates - the
Jasmine Allen Estate (always one for rioting and drug abuse) and The
Cockcroft Estate (excellent for pimps and their charges, not to mention
'fences' and dysfunctional teenagers who play truant and smash windows).
There are also plenty of urban shopping centres, ripe for shoplifting
and armed robberies.
Another classic feature of The Bill is the breadth of characters. Here
are a few choice personalities:
PC Jim Carver - The first person seen in the first episode of The Bill,
Carver went from a uniformed officer to CID then back to the uniform
again following "personal" problems (i.e. too much booze). His constant
frown and gruff exterior have made him an excellent regular character
Superintendent Brownlow - Tough, headmasterly ruler of Sun Hill. Rarely
seen these days but his presence is felt throughout like some cloud
hanging over the show - a nice cloud by the way, I think he is a good
character
Sergeant June Ackland - WPC who has been in the show for ages. Now in a
commanding role and frequently getting a meaty storyline, usually
involving stalkers and weirdoes, she creates a nursey presence in a
tough world.
Sergeant Bob Cryer - the duty officer at Sun Hill, played by an actor
with a generous nose, Cryer is the lord of the cells and usually stands
guard while the officers "assist" a suspect in falling down stairs
PC Dave Quinnan - Another bloke who has been there for ages. Good bloke,
always there to help out like Charlie from Casualty.
PC Reg Hollis - There's always one in every workplace. Hollis is the
Nimrod of The Bill. Always annoying and over officious. A bit of a
comedy character, one gets the impression that everything he does is
accompanied by trombones going: Waaah Waaah Wawawawawaaaaaa. Mind you,
Hollis was at the heart of the most Whimsical moment of Telly in recent
memory. For no apparent reason, the action cut to him strolling through
the station singing "My Way", displaying Hollis to have a reasonable
Karaoke baritone. This sequence went on for a good few minutes and I was
baffled but delighted by this short and unexpected musical interlude.
Definitely the highlight of my television year.
Useless fact: Elton John's drummer, Charlie Morgan, co-wrote The Bill's
incredible theme tune with it's prog-esque time signatures that would do
Frank Zappa proud. On a recent show of Room 101, comedian Bill Bailey
rightly said the new "dance" remix of The Bill's theme was a leaden
piece of shit.
Thought for the Day - Where did it all go wrong?
Dan Greensmith
Whimsy Archive
30-08-00 | 21-08-00 | 14-08-00
07-08-00 | 21-07-00 | 14-07-00 | 07-07-00 | 30-06-00 | 23-06-00
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