SERVICES FOR VICTIMS OF
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

• Are there times when you do not state your opinion in an argument or discussion because you feel intimidated by him?
• Are you ever afraid that he will hit you and/or lose control of his temper?
• Does he lose his temper suddenly over small things? -- Maybe break or throw things when he’s angry?
• Is he afraid to show his weaknesses or look unmanly?
• Does he abuse alcohol or drugs?
• Did he grow up in a violent family -- either because he was abused himself, or because his father beat his mother?
• Does he have a criminal record?
• Was he abusive to previous girlfriends or wives?
• Is he extremely jealous/possessive of you--not just of other men, but even of your friends and family?
• Have you broken off relationships with friends and/or family for him?
• Does he keep tabs on you and want to know where you have been, who you have been with and why you were there, whenever you have gone out?
• Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice?
• Do you participate in activities which you do not enjoy, because you are afraid to tell him you would prefer to do something else?
• Does he ridicule you for being stupid or call you other names?
• Do you feel the he is not interested in your opinion?
• Does he hold strong traditional role ideas for men and women?
• Does he have extreme highs and lows of moods -- often described as Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde -- almost as if he were two different people?
• Does he play with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Is he cruel to animals?
• Is he sexually coercive -- insisting on sex even against your will?
• Does he ever treat you roughly or forcefully?
• Does he blame other people and external events for his own inappropriate behavior?

If you have answered "yes" to many or some of these questions, now is the time to think seriously about continuing in the relationship. YOU ARE IN A HIGH RISK CATEGORY FOR DOMESTIC ASSAULT AND ARE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED. Many women deny to themselves and/or believe that they can change a violent person’s behavior. Or they may believe that they are the cause of the abuse, so they try not to antagonize the man, or attribute the violence to an external cause that they see as changeable -- drinking, unemployment, financial problems, etc. None of these are valid or realistic -- YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR PARTNER’S VIOLENT BEHAVIOR.

BATTERED WOMEN

• Low self-esteem
• Believes all myths about battering relationships
• Is a traditionalist in the home, strongly believing in family unity and prescribed feminine sex role stereotype
• Accepts responsibility for the batterer’s actions
• Suffers from guilt yet denies the terror and anger
• Presents a passive face to the world but has strength to manipulate her environment so she does not get killed
• Has severe stress reactions with psycho-physiological complaints
• Uses sex as a way to establish intimacy
• Treated as "DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL" as a child
• Believes no one will be able to help her resolve her predicament except herself

BATTERERS

• Low self-esteem
• Believes all myths about battering relationships
• Is a traditionalist in the home, strongly believing in family unity and the prescribed feminine sex role stereotype
• Blames others for his actions!
• Is pathologically jealous and intrusive into his woman’s life
• Presents a dual personality, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
• Has severe stress reactions during which he uses drinking and wife-beating to cope
• Uses sex as an act of aggression frequently to overcome impotence or bisexuality
• Suffered from child abuse or neglect as a child
• Does not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences

CHILDREN FROM VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS

• Low self-esteem, poor self-image, and poor definitions of self
• Found in all socio-economic levels, educational, racial and age groups
• They may exhibit a combination of limited tolerance, poor impulse control and martyr behavior like long suffering
• Depression, much stress and psychosomatic absences from school; hidden symptoms of characterological dysfunction
• Economic and emotional dependancy. High risk for alcohol/drugs, sexual acting out, running away, isolation, loneliness, and fear
• Continual hopefulness that situations will improve
• Exhibits bargaining behavior with parents. Gets into proving himself - as does the mother.
• Increased social isolation, increased peer isolation
• Very shaky definition of self. Grappling with child-like responses of parents for modeling

PHASE 1--TENSION BUILDING PHASE

• Initial infatuation of the relationship fades.
• The women attempt to stop these by pleasing, placating, or staying out of his way, thinking she can control his behavior through her actions.
• When this doesn’t control or stop his abuse, she withdraws.
• The man feels rejected and tries harder to control her activities.
• At this point, a woman who has experienced violence/abuse before, knows that an abusive incident will inevitably happen.

PHASE 2--ABUSIVE/RELEASE OF STRESS STAGE

• Some form of abusive incident occurs--this is often a physical assault, but can be psychological, verbal and/or emotional. This discharges the stress and tension for the abuser.
• After the abusive incident, the man feels instant relief. The woman often experiences shock, denial and/or disbelief that the assault occurred.
• It is during this phase that the police are usually called; it is also during this phase that the majority of women seek safe shelter.

PHASE 3--"HONEYMOON PHASE"

• The abuser becomes tender and apologetic, and often sends/or buys flowers, presents, jewelry or writes love letters/poems. He promises to never do it again, and truly believes he won’t.
• During this phase, the abuser will take action to demonstrate his sincere desire to change. He will go to counseling, quit drinking and/or go into drug/alcohol rehabilitation, go to church, get a job, etc. However, his prime motivation is to get his woman back; not to get help for himself.
• If the woman has left during Phase 2, she will often return to him during this phase.
• It is this phase that keeps the woman in the relationship--she is finally getting the love and attention she wants from him. Women often say that he is back to the man she fell in love with.

Below is a list of conditioned responses that violence may create for a victim:

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
• I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want, I ask you what you want. If I am not aware, I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

There are four stages many battered women go through before leaving. Some women go back and forth from stage to stage. A woman cannot be pushed from one stage on to the next. She will, through her own experience, move on to each stage when she is ready.

DENIAL

• does not admit there is a problem
• will excuse the abuser’s violent behavior
• believes that each violent incident is the last and it will never happen again

GUILT

• begins to acknowledge that there is a problem but believes she is responsible
• believes she deserves to be beaten
• thinks if she had done this or hadn’t done that, the abuser would not have had to hit her
• believes something is wrong with her
• works on changing herself, not the abuser or the relationship

ENLIGHTENMENT

• no longer assumes responsibility for the violence
• realizes no one deserves to be beaten
• is still committed to the relationship
• believes if she stays they can work things out and the violence will end

RESPONSIBILITY

• accepts that the abuser will not change
• accepts that violence will not stop
• decides not to put up with the abuse
• leaves the relationship to start a new life

EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY: Some victims become emotionally dependent upon the abuser because of their childhood experiences. They believe that they are weak, inferior, and don’t deserve better treatment. They have feelings of insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support. They are afraid of making major life changes. Only about 15% stay because they still love the abuser and a few stay because of the social stigma of divorce.

FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE: Many times the abuser is the sole wage earner in the family. If he is arrested, he may lose his job and not be able to pay child support. Because of lack of education and job skills, the victim fears that she will not be able to support her family on her own. Victims also have to fight their belief that they are to be submissive in exchange for financial support.

GUILT: The abused victims often feel guilty because they think they may have provoked the abuse. They also feel guilt over the failure of their marriage. Family, cultural, and religious beliefs that disapprove of divorce or separation under any circumstances may also pile guilt upon the victim. To make matters worse, court officers, police, etc, often urge the victim "to forgive and forget".

ISOLATION: Very often victims have few if any friends, very little support from relatives, little or no money, no car, and no phone. This imposed isolation causes lost social skills and a lack of knowledge about alternatives they might have.

EMBARRASSMENT & SHAME: Most victims feel degraded and worthless as well as ashamed about remaining in an abusive relationship. Many female victims are embarrassed and ashamed about their perceived failure in their wife/mother roles. Society promotes these feelings by generally blaming the victim for causing or accepting the abuse.

CHILDREN: The victim might believe that the children need both a mother and a father in the home. They believe that a better life financially is more important than leaving. They fear that the children will be emotionally damaged if there is a divorce.

HOPE: They may hope that if they change into the person the abuser wants them to be, or if the abuser keeps his promises and stops, then everything will work out. Unfortunately, these hopes rarely come true.

Has your intimate partner done any of these things to you?

• pushed or shoved you
• held you to keep you from leaving
• slapped, bit, hit, punched, kicked, or choked you
• thrown objects at you
• locked you out of the house
• abandoned you in dangerous places
• refused to help you when you were sick, injured, or pregnant
• forced you off the road or kept you from driving/tried to hit you with the car
• threatened or hurt you with a weapon

Sexual Abuse

• told anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks toward women
• treated women as sex objects/publicly showed sexual interest in other women
• been jealously angry, assuming you would have sex with any available man
• insisted you dress in a more/less sexual way than you wanted
• criticized you sexually
• insisted on unwanted and uncomfortable touching
• called you sexual names like "whore", " frigid"
• forced you to strip when you didn’t want to
• had affairs with other women after agreeing to monogamy
• forced sex with him or others
• forced you to perform unwanted sexual acts or to watch others
• forced sex after beating
• forced sex when you were sick or it was a danger to your health

Emotional Abuse

• ignored your feelings
• ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage, or class
• withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment
• continually criticized you, called you names, shouted at you
• insulted or drove away your friends or family
• humiliated you in private or public
• kept you from working, controlled your money, made all the decisions
• refused to work or share money
• regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
• threatened to hurt you or your family

If even one of the statements below is true, you may be in danger and should take measures to protect yourself. Talk to someone who can help you develop a safety plan. Find out about the legal options and support services that are available to help protect you.

1. The violence happens more often and/or is more severe than before.
2. Your partner has a weapon or has threatened you with a weapon.
3. There is a gun in the house.
4. Your partner has threatened to kill you, and you believe that he/she is capable of doing so.
5. Your partner uses drugs or gets drunk every day or almost every day, or is a binge drinker.
6. Your partner is violent outside the home.
7. Your partner tries to control most of your daily activities, such as money, friendships, and activities.
8. Your partner has forced you into sex in which you did not wish to participate.
9. Your partner has beaten you while you were pregnant.
10. Your partner is violently and consistently jealous.
11. You have thought you might harm yourself and/or your partner might harm him/herself.
12. Your partner is violent toward your children.

• Many lesbians are reluctant to raise issues related to lesbian battering. They fear triggering homophobic attacks on their communities.
• There are many personal risks associated with seeking help - loss of employment, loss of child custody, fear of being outed, loss of home, alienation from family and friends and the fear of being stigmatized by the lesbian community which is often closely knit.
• Many lesbians are unwilling to accept that they could be victims of violence in their intimate relationships.
• Isolation and shame are the most common emotions experienced by battered lesbian and bisexual women. Being excluded and believing there is nowhere to turn often keep the women from reaching out for help.
• Female batterers do everything that male batterers do in order to achieve and maintain control over their partners; including engaging in physical, sexual, emotional and economic abuse.
• Some studies show that 17% of lesbian and bisexual women are abused by their partners while others put the number as high as 73%. Most incidents go unreported so the real numbers are not known.
• The system which is designed to assist victims of domestic violence often turns on the victim of same sex battering. The legal system which they will turn to often does not even recognize same sex relationships.