The abuse of women by their husbands or boyfriends is a serious problem in the United States and is much more prevalent than most people believe. Domestic assault occurs among all classes and races of people. DOMESTIC ASSAULT CAN HAPPEN TO ANY WOMAN. The best way to protect yourself from becoming a victim is to know and watch for warning signs that indicate abusive characteristics and thus potential abuse by a partner. Ask yourself these questions about your mate:
Are there times when you do not state your opinion in an argument or discussion because you feel intimidated by him?
Are you ever afraid that he will hit you and/or lose control of his temper?
Does he lose his temper suddenly over small things? -- Maybe break or throw things when he’s angry?
Is he afraid to show his weaknesses or look unmanly?
Does he abuse alcohol or drugs?
Did he grow up in a violent family -- either because he was abused himself, or because his father beat his mother?
Does he have a criminal record?
Was he abusive to previous girlfriends or wives?
Is he extremely jealous/possessive of you--not just of other men, but even of your friends and family?
Have you broken off relationships with friends and/or family for him?
Does he keep tabs on you and want to know where you have been, who you have been with and why you were there, whenever you have gone out?
Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice?
Do you participate in activities which you do not enjoy, because you are afraid to tell him you would prefer to do something else?
Does he ridicule you for being stupid or call you other names?
Do you feel the he is not interested in your opinion?
Does he hold strong traditional role ideas for men and women?
Does he have extreme highs and lows of moods -- often described as Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde -- almost as if he were two different people?
Does he play with guns, knives or other weapons?
Is he cruel to animals?
Is he sexually coercive -- insisting on sex even against your will?
Does he ever treat you roughly or forcefully?
Does he blame other people and external events for his own inappropriate behavior?
If you have answered "yes" to many or some of these questions, now is the time to think seriously about continuing in the relationship. YOU ARE IN A HIGH RISK CATEGORY FOR DOMESTIC ASSAULT AND ARE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED. Many women deny to themselves and/or believe that they can change a violent person’s behavior. Or they may believe that they are the cause of the abuse, so they try not to antagonize the man, or attribute the violence to an external cause that they see as changeable -- drinking, unemployment, financial problems, etc. None of these are valid or realistic -- YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR PARTNER’S VIOLENT BEHAVIOR.
(This phase can last days, weeks, months and sometimes even years).
Initial infatuation of the relationship fades.
The women attempt to stop these by pleasing, placating, or staying out of his way, thinking she can control his behavior through her actions.
When this doesn’t control or stop his abuse, she withdraws.
The man feels rejected and tries harder to control her activities.
At this point, a woman who has experienced violence/abuse before, knows that an abusive incident will inevitably happen.
PHASE 2--ABUSIVE/RELEASE OF STRESS STAGE
(This phase can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days)
Some form of abusive incident occurs--this is often a physical assault, but can be psychological, verbal and/or emotional. This discharges the stress and tension for the abuser.
After the abusive incident, the man feels instant relief. The woman often experiences shock, denial and/or disbelief that the assault occurred.
It is during this phase that the police are usually called; it is also during this phase that the majority of women seek safe shelter.
PHASE 3--"HONEYMOON PHASE"
(This phase follows immediately after Phase 2 and tends to be longer than Phase 2 but shorter than Phase 1)
The abuser becomes tender and apologetic, and often sends/or buys flowers, presents, jewelry or writes love letters/poems. He promises to never do it again, and truly believes he won’t.
During this phase, the abuser will take action to demonstrate his sincere desire to change. He will go to counseling, quit drinking and/or go into drug/alcohol rehabilitation, go to church, get a job, etc. However, his prime motivation is to get his woman back; not to get help for himself.
If the woman has left during Phase 2, she will often return to him during this phase.
It is this phase that keeps the woman in the relationship--she is finally getting the love and attention she wants from him. Women often say that he is back to the man she fell in love with.
* This is adapted from the book, The Battered Woman, by Lenore Walker. Ms. Walker emphasizes that in most abusive relationships, violence or any form of assault does not happen randomly. It follows this very predictable three phase cycle.
Common Survival Strategies for Victims of Domestic Violence
Batterers use many tactics to manipulate and coerce their victims. A batterer’s goal is to control the victim’s actions, thoughts, and feelings. Being subjected to physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse over a period of time forces the victim to adopt behaviors designed to appease her batterer in an attempt to stop the abuse. This attempt to gain safety changes her thoughts and feelings to become focused on the batterer’s needs.
Below is a list of conditioned responses that violence may create for a victim:
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want, I ask you what you want. If I am not aware, I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
*Adapted from the YWCA Domestic Assault Program in Kalamazoo Michigan.
There are four stages many battered women go through before leaving. Some women go back and forth from stage to stage. A woman cannot be pushed from one stage on to the next. She will, through her own experience, move on to each stage when she is ready.
DENIAL
The abused
does not admit there is a problem
will excuse the abuser’s violent behavior
believes that each violent incident is the last and it will never happen again
GUILT
The abused
begins to acknowledge that there is a problem but believes she is responsible
believes she deserves to be beaten
thinks if she had done this or hadn’t done that, the abuser would not have had to hit her
believes something is wrong with her
works on changing herself, not the abuser or the relationship
ENLIGHTENMENT
The abused
no longer assumes responsibility for the violence
realizes no one deserves to be beaten
is still committed to the relationship
believes if she stays they can work things out and the violence will end
FEAR: Resistance or complaints often provoke worse violence. Victims also fear being found and beaten again if they leave. They are afraid of their children being hurt and of losing custody. They also know that there is a lack of protection from authorities and legal process. There are also very few safe places that they can go.
EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY: Some victims become emotionally dependent upon the abuser because of their childhood experiences. They believe that they are weak, inferior, and don’t deserve better treatment. They have feelings of insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support. They are afraid of making major life changes. Only about 15% stay because they still love the abuser and a few stay because of the social stigma of divorce.
FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE: Many times the abuser is the sole wage earner in the family. If he is arrested, he may lose his job and not be able to pay child support. Because of lack of education and job skills, the victim fears that she will not be able to support her family on her own. Victims also have to fight their belief that they are to be submissive in exchange for financial support.
GUILT: The abused victims often feel guilty because they think they may have provoked the abuse. They also feel guilt over the failure of their marriage. Family, cultural, and religious beliefs that disapprove of divorce or separation under any circumstances may also pile guilt upon the victim. To make matters worse, court officers, police, etc, often urge the victim "to forgive and forget".
ISOLATION: Very often victims have few if any friends, very little support from relatives, little or no money, no car, and no phone. This imposed isolation causes lost social skills and a lack of knowledge about alternatives they might have.
EMBARRASSMENT & SHAME: Most victims feel degraded and worthless as well as ashamed about remaining in an abusive relationship. Many female victims are embarrassed and ashamed about their perceived failure in their wife/mother roles. Society promotes these feelings by generally blaming the victim for causing or accepting the abuse.
CHILDREN: The victim might believe that the children need both a mother and a father in the home. They believe that a better life financially is more important than leaving. They fear that the children will be emotionally damaged if there is a divorce.
HOPE: They may hope that if they change into the person the abuser wants them to be, or if the abuser keeps his promises and stops, then everything will work out. Unfortunately, these hopes rarely come true.
In some cases, violence between partners can lead to severe injury or even murder. While you cannot predict what will happen, the statements listed below can help you think about whether you may be in danger of being harmed again, or of harming yourself. Your partner may not always be abusive or violent, but violence tends to happen again and becomes more dangerous each time it occurs.
If even one of the statements below is true, you may be in danger and should take measures to protect yourself. Talk to someone who can help you develop a safety plan. Find out about the legal options and support services that are available to help protect you.
The violence happens more often and/or is more severe than before.
Your partner has a weapon or has threatened you with a weapon.
There is a gun in the house.
Your partner has threatened to kill you, and you believe that he/she is capable of doing so.
Your partner uses drugs or gets drunk every day or almost every day, or is a binge drinker.
Your partner is violent outside the home.
Your partner tries to control most of your daily activities, such as money, friendships, and activities.
Your partner has forced you into sex in which you did not wish to participate.
Your partner has beaten you while you were pregnant.
Your partner is violently and consistently jealous.
You have thought you might harm yourself and/or your partner might harm him/herself.
Many lesbians are reluctant to raise issues related to lesbian battering. They fear triggering homophobic attacks on their communities.
There are many personal risks associated with seeking help - loss of employment, loss of child custody, fear of being outed, loss of home, alienation from family and friends and the fear of being stigmatized by the lesbian community which is often closely knit.
Many lesbians are unwilling to accept that they could be victims of violence in their intimate relationships.
Isolation and shame are the most common emotions experienced by battered lesbian and bisexual women. Being excluded and believing there is nowhere to turn often keep the women from reaching out for help.
Female batterers do everything that male batterers do in order to achieve and maintain control over their partners; including engaging in physical, sexual, emotional and economic abuse.
Some studies show that 17% of lesbian and bisexual women are abused by their partners while others put the number as high as 73%. Most incidents go unreported so the real numbers are not known.
The system which is designed to assist victims of domestic violence often turns on the victim of same sex battering. The legal system which they will turn to often does not even recognize same sex relationships.
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