SERVICES FOR VICTIMS OF
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

CONFUSION:

2. The feeling of DETERMINATION helps a person attempt to reach their desired level of personal power. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of FRUSTRATION arises when a person feels as though they’ve been kept from achieving that goal. The "spirit" is diminished.

3. The feeling of AFFECTION causes a person to share their personal power with others. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of REJECTION arises when a person feels as though they’ve been refused. At this level, the "spirit" is again diminished.

4. The feeling of HOPE occurs when a person sees that it’s possible to achieve the state of personal power. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of DISAPPOINTMENT comes when the desired state has not been realized. The "spirit" is diminished.

5. The feeling of HAPPINESS comes when a person recognizes that their desired level is attainable. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of SADNESS occurs when achieving that desired level is lost. The "spirit" is diminished.

6. The feeling of SECURITY helps to insure a person that nothing will keep them from achieving their goal. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of FEAR arises when the desired level is threatened. The "spirit" is endangered.

7. The feeling of SERENITY enables a person to visualize themselves in their desired state. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of SHOCK arises when the desired state has been lost. The "spirit" is diminished.

8. The feeling of CONFUSION arises when a person is unclear of how to resolve an inner conflict.
*Adapted From The Verbally Abused Woman by Patricia Evans

1. When interactions which upset, hurt or confuse the partner:
   • rarely occur in public
   • are unexpected
   • occur when she is feeling happy, enthusiastic, or successful
   • seem to become familiar
   • often communicate disdain for her interests, and
   • the abuser does not seem to seek reconciliation or even be bothered by the incident.
2. Between the actions which upset, hurt or confuse the partner, the relationship seems to be functional.
3. In some way the partner feels isolated.
4. The abuser defines the partner, the relationship and most often, the upsetting interactions.
5. The partner does not repeat to the abuser what she hears him say to her.

• "I am feeling very bored with your company."
• "Stop!"
• "Hold it!"
• "Cut it out!"
• Walk away. Go to another room, go shopping, do something with the children. Stay away as long as you want. Do not explain yourself to him.
• "I’m wondering. Now that you have said that (put me down) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel more important? I’d like you to think about this."
• "I don’t want to talk about it."
• "I’ll get back to you later."
• "Stop accusing and blaming me."
• "Don’t let me ever hear you say that again!"
• "Remember who you’re talking to."
• "Don’t talk to me like that!"
• "I think you know better than that!"
• "Do you hear yourself?"
• "Stop judging me!"
• "Cut out the criticism!"
• "Enough of that."
• "I don’t accept that."
• "Please keep your comments to yourself."
• "This is not your concern!"
• "I certainly don’t feel supported when I hear that kind of talk."
• "I’ve heard all I want to hear from you."
• "I don’t like your attitude!"
• "I’m definitely not having any fun with you."
• "Don’t ever call me names!"
• "I don’t want to hear name calling anymore!"
• "Stop it!"
• "You may not raise your voice to me."
• "I don’t like your tone of voice."

*Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

• When you are being put down, ordered around, yelled at, etc., you are being abused;
• Abuse is unjust, disabling, and destructive;
• The abuser is not speaking in a rational, adult manner;
• You are responding to a person who is in some way trying to control, dominate, or establish superiority over you;
• You have done nothing to cause it;
• It is not healthy to live in an abusive atmosphere;
• Distance yourself from the abuser by seeing his immaturity for what it is;
• Respond with a tone of authority and firmness that shows that you are serious and will not tolerate further abuse;
• Stay aware. Concentrate on the present. Notice what your senses tell you. How do you feel? How does he sound to you? What do you see?

• In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner’s need to understand and be understood is not met.
• Her belief that her mate is rational and that understanding can be reached keeps her in the relationship.
• The victim gradually loses her self-esteem and confidence without realizing it. If the victim is aware of this loss, she does not understand why.
• As long as the partner believes the abuser is being honest and sincere, she will remain a victim of verbal abuse.
• Victims of verbal abuse generally are aware of their feelings. However, they believe what their partner tells them about themselves and their relationship. They do not trust what their feelings tell them about themselves and their relationship.
• The abuser defines the victims reality and her feelings about herself. If she believes him, she will feel confused. This is the art of crazymaking.
• The effects of verbal abuse are primarily qualitative. The intensity of anguish which the victim suffers determines the extent of the injury.