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It starts in my stomach
A bubbling ball of knowledge
Forcing it’s way up the food pipe
Past my lungs
Ignoring the scar tissue where once my tonsils sat
Articulating itself around my tongue and teeth
And out it burps, a new Whimsy for you
Hello folks.
My apologies for a late Whimsy. I should explain that it is currently Saturday and Jenny is out of the flat having a driving lesson (amusing, but I have faith in the old girl) so now seems a good time to delve into my brain and seek out what is today’s favourites. Joining me today is an excellent Django Reinhardt CD box set which I managed to pick up in HMV for the ridiculous sum of £2.99! It must be said that it’s great being a lover of jazz, you can pick up pretty much anything decent for a few squid, and yet there are some dumb bastards out there who pay £12.99 for Robbie Williams. Something is definitely wrong with this picture.....
This Whimsy is a special Whimsy as it is being delivered to our first foreign visitors. They are our special guests today and they are Ali and Stine.
Ali has left sunny Cardiff for a new life as a French Tiger Surveyor. I am sure you are all aware of the fine work carried out by the French on saving their wild tigers. As you all know, tigers are now well and truly endangered thanks to various members of our beloved Royal Family. Tigers can only now be found in certain places in the wild and they are India, Borneo, Sumatra, Worcester and France. Ali has left us to keep an eye on these magnificent beasts for the sake of the countryside. Ali, we miss you. Come back and visit soon.
Stine has also left this country because she is fed up with Devon. Strangely enough, when I first met her three and a half years ago, she was fed up with Devon. She has returned to the tropical heat of Bergen, Norway. If all women in the world were like Stine then the world would be a happier and much more logical place. The world would also be a lot bigger - Stine is only two foot tall - and all the women in the world would have much nicer feet - Stine has the smallest and prettiest feet of anyone I know. If all women were like Stine then there would be a lot of damn fine singers out there. And if all women were like Stine, then it’s only right and fair that all men should be like me. Sound like a perfect World to me...
Anyway, enough of such introductions - except for thanks to Susie for her comments on the new Whimsy web page which can be found at www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html>
Please encourage your friends to visit and do please send your comments to the email link you find there.
Aaaaaaifififififififififif hpybirdyandy welcome
Spice Girl of the Day - So who’s your favourite? Let’s work this one out by process of elimination:
Mel C is bloody everywhere these days and does shit songs and wants to be “Rock” and is from Liverpool.
Mel B is scary (hence the name!!) and is arguably the lushest of all the Spice Girls but isn’t around much at the moment so I haven’t really noticed her in ages.
Victoria (aka Plebeian Spice) and her village idiot husband have become the new Laurel and Hardy. How ironic that “Posh” Spice is the most undignified and coarse woman in pop! How we laughed at their ridiculous wedding! How we chortled when they did their best to attract attention then suddenly wimped out because they attracted too much attention from the bloody tabloids - who, lest we forget, they wanted to attract in the first place.
Geri - Ugh! Who allowed Thora Hird’s ugly sister into the pop charts?
Which leaves the delightful Jailbait Spice, Emma Bunton. Cheeky cherubic Emma has the wispiest voice in pop yet it is her soft blond hair and extremely square chin that win our hearts. Out of all the Spice Girls, she has provided us with the most amusement as, during her recent cover version of Edie Brickell’s ‘What I Am’, she sang: “I’m not aware of too many things”. Please nurse, leave me until the convulsions stop.
Fish of the Day - Pike. Ultra-hard Darth Vader of fish, native to our inland waterways. The pike is the most vicious of our river fish and is famed for its aggressive nature, strength and speed. The pike is the apex predator, in that it is at the top of the food chain. It feeds on all sorts of fish, water mammals such as shrews and Water Voles, newts, frogs and even little tiny duckies. Even in the hands of man they can be lethal - not only can they inflict a nasty bite on any fisherman brave enough to catch them, but they can also be hollowed out and used as a concealment for a small gun. Mafia gangs smuggle pike into New York from the UK, employ taxidermists to mummify the fish then using a hole by the tail, a Mafia gunman can conceal a small 9mm Beretta pistol in the body of the fish and shoot out of the mouth. I swear to God that is true.
Moral Outrage of the Day - The USA, not content with committing Genocide against the native Indian population during the 19th century, decided in their infinite wisdom that the British were being too darn uppity by calling their favourite chocolate bar ‘Marathon’. So they forced us to change to ‘Snickers’ because some fat stupid American tourists couldn’t buy their favourite “Candy Bar” in the UK because it had a different name. Marathon was a top name, for one thing it did exactly what it said on the tin. It was a 26 mile race of a chocolate bar, ram packed with Peanuts, mozzarella-like caramel and nougat which served no purpose other than to make us even more lardy. Also, Marathon is a much more intimidating name than Snickers. Say it now to yourself - MARATHON. Say - SNICKERS. Now, if those names had a fight which would win? Seconds out, round one. OOOOF!!!! DING-DING! And our champion, in a straight 2-second knockout is Marathon. Quelle surprise. Take a hint, Uncle Sam. We can resist so much capitalist imperialism but when you start to change our chocolate bars, we must say NO! And while we’re on the subject, my mum’s face goo is called Oil of Ulay. Not Olay - whaddya think my mum is? A Bullfighter? It is Ulay, pronounced You-lay. As in: You Lay Off Our Products you rotten cocksuckers.
Children’s TV Programme of the Day - As an addendum to our recent Children’s TV Whimsy, here is a particular favourite. Ready?
Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow climbing high
Everyone can see him smiling, over the sky
Paint....the...whole...world..with...a.....RAINBOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
And thus, the Nick Drake-style lyrics of the verse give way to a thunderous John Bonham-esque fill of gargantuan proportions and the song disappears into the ether. So strange that the programme that followed contained some of the campest Children’s Telly. A House, which we never see from the outside, contains a group of people. Inhabitants - A blond Nazi, Wimpy Bear, Gay Hippopotamus, S&M Orange thing, a trio of ridiculous hippie troubadours. I shall elaborate:
Geoffrey, obviously the patriarch of this ker-razeee household. Aryan blond and with a suspiciously over-enthusiastic smile, one always got the impression that Geoffrey could turn quite nasty. Following the cancellation of Rainbow, the actor who played Geoffrey became the subject of one of the more enduring urban myths of the 1990s - that he ended up stacking shelves for Sainsburys in Croydon because no one would employ a camp grinning gold-chain wearing freakball.
Bungle. Bears are known for their aggressive nature. Whenever a bear is encountered by a luckless human, the standard bear response is to tear off the poor campers’ arm and hit him with the soggy end. Bungle, on the other hand practically invites people to kick him in the face. He always agrees with whatever Geoffrey says and is a mealy-mouthed, do-goody swotty pants with no sense of fun. Now probably in rehab. Serves him right, the stupid piece of hairy shit.
George. My God, that is the most ridiculous thing on telly. A homosexual pink hippopotamus with long eyelashes (that’s not a homophobic comment, he is blatantly gay!!) who talks in the stupidest voice you can imagine. Yet George has become a cultural icon (i.e. students think he’s cool) and is the blueprint for all future gay television puppets. Subject of a great TV debate that has raged for years - was George really a girl?
Zippy. Our favourite. No one knew exactly what he was but let’s face it, his design was rooted in Sado-Masochistic masks. His gigantic zip (hence the name!!) that covered his mouth, and his ridiculous goggle-like eyes that peered blankly at the world was reminiscent of a Gimp mask. He was forever in trouble (punishment) and he was always wheedling for attention and affection - heh-heh! We all thought he was the coolest one because he took no shit from Geoffrey and ignored Bungle’s effeminate flapping. George was his best mate which implies all sorts of sub-dom fun they were probably having in the cellar/torture chamber.
Rod, Jane and Freddy - Like the three-headed knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Rod, Jane and Freddy were three people - strangely referred to as if they were one amorphous beast - who would appear from nowhere and terrify us with their crap songs. Rod was this hippie who used to have a really stupid beard and would look like Roy Wood from Wizzard. Later shaved it off and ended up looking like Terry Gilliam. Jane was a feeble Joni Mitchell-wannabe who looked as though Rainbow was her other job after stripping down Paul Raymond’s Revue Bar in Soho. Jane is the original UK Lap-dancer. Freddy looked like Stu Francis and didn’t really have much in the way of redeeming features.
So there you have it, Rainbow. What it’s purpose was, I don’t know. Apart from having a theme tune that made me want to play the drums.
Weather Phenomenon of the Day - Rain. We all know it, we’ve all experienced it, it’s part of our daily existence. Unless you live in Arizona that is. Sometimes rain is nice, that kind of light shower that releases the heat from a long summer’s day, that kind of bracing drizzle that makes you want to think deep thoughts, when it’s that excuse for that someone special to stay over night and not walk 4 miles home. Sometimes it’s nasty, when it blows horizontally on your face, when the sky rips open and you are drenched within 30 seconds, when you were looking forward to seeing Elvis Costello on that nice summer’s evening in a free concert in the park and you get there and get comfy and before you know it, July becomes December and you’re running for cover.
Dish of the Day - Scampi and Chips. Wherever I go in this country, if Scampi and Chips is on the menu, I must try it. I’ve actually discovered that the best Scampi and Chips I had was in a pub in Edinburgh. The second best was, astounding but true, in a Little Chef on the Scottish borders. Like the most colourful shirt in the world, the best is still out there and I must find it.
Top TV Totty of the Day - For once, I shall leave it up to you. My choice would be, say, Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Your choice would be different. Please let me know at the email address linked to the Whimsy website which is at http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html
Colour of the Day - Purple
Country of the Day - Luxembourg. Please, will someone tell me what it’s like there? It’s like Zaire or Bhutan, one of those mythical places which is obscure yet everyone knows they are there. Luxembourg is the lost city of Eldorado of Europe.
Thought for the Day - What makes you happy?
Dan Greensmith
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