Whimsy

Hi there!!!!!!
 
It seems now that the days get shorter (although they are still 24 hours in length) and the nights grow longer (yet I still only get 4 hours of sleep each night), we need something to warm us up.
 
Some of us have teddies, some of us have hot water bottles, some of us have members of the opposite sex, some of us have people of the same sex, some of us have The Tish (don't ask).
 
I have none of these. I keep myself warm with the Whimsy. And if you are similar, you may need the Whimsy too.
 
If you would like to know more about Whimsy and other things, such as a recent polemic on the state of Wales' musical identity, please check out the Whimsy Website: www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html>
 
And today I am sorry but I am not having any special guests because I have no idea who to include. If you would like to be a special guest in the future - even if you already have been one - please write into us (the email address is on the website) with your name, and who you are and the most interesting/funny/original description gets a special mention. Get Writing! (A tip: Make stuff up)
 
Aaa-aa-aaa-aaa-aaaaaasumdaywewillfindtheciteezofgold Welcome 
 
Swear Word of the Day - Sod. Another Great British Sweary Word. As with
most things, the Americans just can't handle it and usually mangle it,
which is pretty amazing considering it is one of the easiest words in
the English language to use - our yankee cousins usually say it: "Sard"
which frankly, sounds ridiculous. A corruption of "Sodomy", Sod is one
of those dreary afternoon words used to describe a dreary person - "He's
a useless sod". But sod is a good 'interim' curse: "Bugger it! The
sodding thing won't work!" which can be used to take the place of
'bloody' or in more extreme circumstances 'fucking'. It is also an
explosive word that can be used in minor-stress moments - "SOD IT!!!" -
but can be easily replaced by a more rude-ish word if the situation
allows.

 
Sod is a very good beginner-level swear word and ought to be taught to
kids at a young age, say 6 years old. Me? I rarely use it now, tending
to prefer descriptive words like "Wankwit", interim words like
"Buggeringly tossing" and explosive words like "Cockwhacker!"

 
You've Been Dumped! Line of the Day - Come on folks, we've all been on
the receiving end, we've all used it at one time or another. The most
pathetic excuse for ending a relationship ever: "It's not you, it's me."
What a cowardly excuse to end a relationship! It means absolutely
nothing at all, or more pertinently it is one of those things that means
exactly the opposite of what you say. It's so airy-fairy and designed so
that it doesn't hurt the dumped one's feelings. Well too bloody late!
We've been dumped, ergo, we are upset from the whole event! You think
that a patronising excuse is going to make us feel any better? Damn you
and your bullshit!

 
I've received it on two occasions - when Sarah told me she was dumping
me and going out instead with Frogger  - FROGGER????? I tell you what,
that fucker has green skin. Mind you, I saw him not that long ago and
he's completely bald (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Revenge is sweet but not fattening).
I also got it from Vicki but she redeemed herself later on by coming
clean and telling me that she was fed up with me altogether and that I
was "undomesticated". Bless 'er....
Mind you, in a role-reversal incident, I was the Itsnotyouminator when
splitting up with Sharon. True to form, the old girl blubbed like a
walrus while I feebly turned my feelings of "I'm sick of your
whiny-arsed complaints every time I do anything. At all. Ever" into
"It's not you etc....". Somehow, this arbitrary waffle didn't have much
effect as she just wailed like a Mediterranean widow no matter what I
said.
 
Folks, let's face it. Sometimes it's better to say "I'm having an
affair" or "It's not working out" or better still "I'm sick of your
stupid face, I hate your cooking, you are lousy company and I can't bear
to be in the same room as you" than to try and put all the rage at the
end of a relationship into a placid blaming of yourself. Your partner
probably thinks "You've never blamed yourself before when it was plainly
your fault, why the hell are you starting now?". Now that you know this,
never do this to anybody ever again!

 
Modern Invention of the Day - Calculators. Fabulous adding-up machine
that negates the skills of mental arithmetic. Mind you, we all know what
calculators are best for. Try this little puzzle out:
Type in the huge figure of 55,378,008.
Turn your calculator upside down.
There! Isn't it hilarious?

 
Country of the Day - France. A place which is really quite beautiful and
is full of gorgeous women, fine wines, lousy pop music, excellent food,
Wild Boar, yellow headlights on cars, oily and arrogant men, lovely
castles, quaint little villages, historical monuments and people who
speak French. Bonjour!

 
Things You Want To Say In Public of the Day - Haven't you ever wanted to
shout "BOLLOCKS!!!!!!" in a church?

 
Body Part of the Day - Bottom. Words cannot express the emotions at such
a body part but I'll try anyway. Your bottom is probably much nicer than
you give it credit. Somebody, somewhere will find it attractive. But why
are we so dismissive of our bums? Is it because of
their....um....primary function? Look, we all have to do it sometime.
The Queen, Bill Clinton, Liz Hurley, the person you fancy in the office
and even Tom Waits poos as much as you do, so why be coy. Yeah it's
disgusting but you can do it out of sight and in a locked room - unless
you are G.G. Allin (US punk rocker whose stage show involved stripping
naked, punching members of the audience and crapping on stage and
smearing himself in his own shit).

 
Bottoms are more than your waste disposal system. For one thing, they
provide you with a natural cushion which even in the most extreme
circumstances can provide you with a degree of comfort. They are also
aesthetically pleasing, whether you have a small bottom or a large
bottom. Remember, there are people with desires for all sorts of unusual
shapes and sizes: petite bottoms, gigantic flabby bottoms, spotty
bottoms, even hairy bottoms.Yours is probably the nicest bottom in the
world though. You can spank it, squeeze it, pat it, stroke it or do a
wobbly juddery thing on it - that's where you grab your partner's
buttocks with both hands and shake 'em frantically. For added hilarity,
make a "WIBBLEIFEHGIIFHEITCKELITOPOPTOIFFLEBBBLEEBBGH!!!!!" noise while you're at it. It is the best way to impress a hostess at a society
party.

Star Wars Character of the Day - Yoda. Wise is he! Yes! Eh-heh-heh-heh! Bow down everybody and show reverence to the ultimate in little green men. Yoda is the greatest. He imparts wisdom in a rational way, even if his speech patterns are a bit wonky. We assume that he is male - who knows, maybe his species is hermaphroditic? But ultimately Yoda is hard. We haven’t yet seen any evidence of him being capable of kicking ass but it is only a matter of time. OK, we know that Yoda ends up in hiding on the swamp planet of Dagobah (the intergalactic equivalent of living in Abertillery) and we also know that he will die on his own accord without the aid of someone trying to kill him.

But how will he end up running away to Dagobah? With the upcoming Star Wars episodes 2 and 3, there is already much speculation amongst the bespectacled geeks (who have no friends other than the ones they converse with on the Star Wars website) as to when, how and if Yoda has a scrap with someone - preferably Anakin Skywalker or the Emperor. I refuse to add to this speculation (other than the possibility that Yoda will fight in a more "peaceful Zen" style, either that or the little green bastard will bite his opponents on the ankles) and I think it is much better to end up watching the films and finding out for ourselves. By the way, when pissed I do a reasonable Yoda impersonation on request.

Top TV Totty? I Think Not! of the Day - Denise Van Outen. Disgusting slapper who winks lasciviously at the camera and makes all kinds of bawdy references that she is shagging Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. Well, big deal. Denise is the mascot for the FHM generation where, in order to look cool, your girlfriend is forced to resemble a vacuous blond troglodyte and be willing to accept your loutish drunken behaviour. What bugs me about Denise is that she isn’t that fit. Not at all. She has piggy little eyes, strange chin, square hips and fat thighs. She also winks a lot to the camera, as if to draw all the women watching (why?) into a female conspiracy. What is the point of this? I am willing to bet that La Outen wishes to create a new breed of femme fatale, where men get sucked into a web of romantic intrigue only to be spurned by a cool ice maiden inspired by the "ladette" image of Denise. I am afraid to report that in reality, all it has done is to create a generation of women who behave like Barbara Windsor and laugh in a smutty way.

Denise is a horrible name anyway (apologies to anyone called Denise who may be reading this). It’s the kind of name hat ugly women give to their ugly babies (for men, the same thing is done with the name Malcolm) and the only exception to the rule is Denise Richards - she of Starship Troopers, Wild Things and The World Is Not Enough fame - and the reason why she is an exception is that she is lush with massive great big boobies. And has a lovely personality of course........

God of the Day - Zeus. Zeus was King of the Greek Gods and had a palace on Mount Olympus from which he could throw thunderbolts down on everyone. Zeus is not like the God we recognise in Christian faith, in fact he is a much more fallible God - which is more like the God we experience in our day-to-day lives, in other words a right dozy twat.

The thing to remember about Zeus is that he is a bit of a ladies’ God. If you read a lot of the Greek legends (or watch Clash of the Titans or Jason and the Argonauts) you will quickly realise that Zeus liked to wave his cock around. There are loads of legends of Zeus coming down to Earth and taking the form of a Giant White Bull or a White Swan or a Stallion and impregnating the nearest peasant woman (bestiality!) and causing her to give birth to a hero - Theseus, Hercules, Perseus. Actually, in the case of Perseus, Zeus transformed himself into a Golden Shower.....oh grow up! I mean a shower of Gold, not a shower of wee-wee! Greek Gods were not piss fetishists (but clearly bestial, so touche then).

Most of these heroes have to do something like kill a monster or something- Theseus killed the Minotaur, Perseus killed Medusa the Gorgon, Hercules wiped out Giants, Harpies, the Hydra and a bloody great lion. When they die they become immortal and, in the case of Hercules, become a demi-God.

Zeus did actually have a wife, Hera, who was permanently jealous of Zeus shags on the side and usually would kill the poor peasant girl that Zeus had it off with. Zeus would then do the God equivalent of saying "What did you do that for?" and winding up by mumbling something about how he got drunk and how it meant nothing. Hera put up with Zeus for many millennia, which is astonishing really. As far as I can remember, Zeus didn’t really get up to much other than sleep around. Oh OK, he would get cross and hurl thunderbolts and would occasionally have dealings with the mortals but he wasn’t terribly clever. He was constantly causing wars, killing people accidentally and in the case of the Trojan War, caused his best fighter (Achilles) to be shot in the foot. Durrrr.....

I do have a fondness for Zeus. Not only did I once play him in a school musical, I also think he was an altogether "people person". Gods are, by nature, aloof and keen not to get too involved with the affairs of modern man. Zeus loved to get involved and would, through his actions, invariably cock things up - for example causing a chain of events that would lead Oedipus to shagging his mother then tearing his eyes out, poor sod. But deep down, I think Zeus had our best interests at heart.

Army of the Day - Salvation Army. Bless ‘em. I always feel sorry for them when I see them entering pubs to pass round copies of the Watchtower newspaper or raising money for excellent and worthy causes. They also have a fine brass band to play carols to shoppers over Christmas in the city centre. The Salvation army was invented by somebody many years ago. Unlike the ordinary army they do not carry guns and kill people, but they do carry collection tins and copies of the Watchtower. They also have ranks like the army, you know - sergeant, colonel and so on. My only great memory of the Salvation Army was that in my primary school, I geezer from the local division used to come to the school and do a magic show and tell jokes and we would then get sucked into Christian worship while actually having fun (is such a thing possible?) . The guy’s name was Lieutenant Colonel Hodge and he’s probably dead by now. Don’t get me wrong, I quite like the Salvation Army. There’s something fundamentally British about them and they are devoted to their duty. Which is a lot more than can be said about some of us!

Thought for the Day - What did you say?

Dan Greensmith

Special Feature
The Otter's Nose - Malaise in the Welsh Music Scene

Whimsy Archive
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