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So it's time to pack your bags and leave the parents behind. Ahead of you lies three years of formative study and life-changing choices. When you leave you will be taking the first tentative steps into the big wide world. These three years are vital to shaping you as a person as well as preparing you for adulthood.
Welcome to University.
Course, we all know this to be bullshit. University is a time for debt, vast amounts of booze, Children's telly, drugs, crap sex with guys called Guy and girls called Lucy, bad food and...er....work??
This is the Student Whimsy Special coinciding with the mass exodus of students into the city. Everywhere I look I see cavorting youngsters who really should know better wandering around the city, sampling the cafe's, drinking far too much and braying about how much they can drink.
It's pathetic.
Mind you, I never experienced college in a city, I went to Rural Devon for my college years. Dartington College of Arts was supposed to be a free expressionistic place where I could get my head together, study effectively and live a sober and monastic lifestyle unencumbered by such city trivialities like nightclubs, 24 hour take-aways, aggravation and traffic.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh, if only it were true!!
Every student existence is different, yet many share certain characteristics. In this Whimsy I will be taking you through the world of the Studeys without actually having to smell them. So sit back in your bean-bag, light up the lava lamp, stick The Doors on the stereo and skin up a fat one as we delve into the Student Whimsy.....
No special guest other than my darling Beth, who is our only Student on the Whimsy list. Beth, don't be offended - I know you would never do any of these awful things. Would you?
Please feel free to check out the Whimsy Website: www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html
And e-mail me any comments you might have.
OGodI'vegotthreeessaystodobetweennowandFebruaryohwelllet'shaveaparty Welcome
Student Poster of the Day - Students seem to want to spread their muck
around the very minute they enter their rooms. What students fail to
realise is that there is only a limited amount of space in their
cell-like living quarters so they fill every available space with
ornamental crap. The best way a student can leave their mark on a room
is to spread lots of fashionable posters around the room with little (if
any) aesthetic planning. As a result, a student's room is a barrage of
pop-culture imagery. In recent years the image of Ewan MacGregor as
Renton from Trainspotting can be found on many a student's wall - some
postgraduates I can mention also have this picture adorning their
abodes. Before that, it was something from Pulp Fiction. Before that?
Well, I can't remember that far but basically if it's from a film that's
regarded as cool then a student has to have it on their walls.
Ultimately, the essential Student poster has to be the "amusing" spliff
poster. What makes a student think that having a poster advocating the
smoking of marijuana is a subversive statement these days? Upon entering
a student's room, it is sometimes astonishing not to find a badly done
picture of an alien/the Pope/Bob Marley/Bill Clinton smoking a great big
"bifter". It's even funnier if the aforementioned Studey is not terribly
inclined towards the "reefer".
Student Habit of the Day - Patois. Students who are at home eloquent and
verbose arrive in college only to drop their provincial accents and
precise and clipped tones only to acquire a vast tapestry of grunts,
slurs, half-arsed sentences and codewords with which they can hold
entire conversations. Of course, most of this new language is to do with
getting inebriated in some way. Here is sample dialogue which some of
you may be able to decipher. If not, there is a handy translation below
it:
"Yeah man, this geezer scored a ton's worth of gear from The Hexagon in
The Toad. It was rad 'cos we all got really battered on Tape Nazis but
fuck me we got burned eventually 'cos it was a tour of the rockies.
Thanks Again."
This translates as:
"Yes indeed good sir, this gentleman managed to acquire about a £100
worth of illegal substances from the person colloquially known as
Hexagon Phil (for reasons we will not discuss at this time) in the pub
belonging to the Slurping Toad chain. Initially, it was an excellent
experience because we used our own hash pipe - which we have amusingly
called Tape Nazis after spotting something written on the back of
someone's hand referring to a desire to video-record an interesting
documentary on the socio-economic rise of the Third Reich following the
collapse of the Weimar Republic - but sadly, we were elaborately
defrauded because the aforementioned substance was of an inferior
quality. If I met that gentleman again, I would refuse his wares with a
flippant and sarcastic response."
See what I mean? And to think that I used to talk like that!
Student Names of the Day - In this Whimsy I am keen to include you all
and this is where you can score highly! This little questionnaire can
determine how poncey your chosen centre of Academic study is just from
the wide variety of Student's names. See if you can spot a familiar name
amongst this little selection. Did you know anyone with these names? If
you did, tot up your score and send the results to me and we'll announce
the winner if any of you can be bothered to reply. The winner gets a
special prize (no really!)
If your own name is listed below, please do not include it in your score
as you cannot really meet yourself.
Boys:
Toby (200 points - 50 more if you slept with a Toby, sorry Susie but
there you go)
Alexander (250 points)
Tristan (100 points)
Julian (30 points)
Tarquin (200 points)
Sebastian (420 points - and extra 400 if you slept with a Sebastian)
Windemere (800 points)
Godfrey (500 points)
Guy (100 points)
Henry (300 points)
Jack (100 points)
Roger (30 points)
Adam (1 point - not a degradation, it's just that Adam is a very common
name)
Adrian (80 Points)
Ross (50 points)
Simon (2 points)
Peter (10 points)
Nimrod (2000 points)
What was the stupidest Boy's name at your University (not including
Nimrod):
Girls:
Penelope (30 points)
Sara (25 points)
Kathy (40 points)
Heather (50 points)
Clementine (250 points - plus 500 if you slept with her)
Hannah (90 points)
Gail (80 points)
Claire (1 point - again, no disrespect - it's a common studey name and
the score reflects this)
Sarah (3 points)
Amber (80 points)
Victoria (10 points - 150 if she insisted on being called Victoria and
not Vicki)
Rachael (100 points - note the exact spelling)
Roberta (200 points)
Nigella (1000 points)
Tiffany (200 points)
Tamsin (100 points)
Tasmin (120 points - plus 200 points if you slept with her and called her Tamsin throughout)
Antoinette (500 points)
What was the stupidest Girl's name at your University:
Student Album of the Day - Five Leaves Left by Nick Drake. Unfeasibly gorgeous debut by the bard of bedsits. It's included here for two reasons. First is that Mr. Drake was himself in his first year at Cambridge when he recorded this elegant piece of work and is therefore is infused with his student experiences at the time. Second is that I encountered Mr. Drake at college and this album reminds me of those days. Ah, that smoky haze of Nostalgia takes me back to when we sat around all day and listened to such wonderful albums. Five Leaves Left really captured the magic of the South Devon countryside for me and I recall endless afternoons of sunshine and lounging around to this album. Second track, 'River Man' has to be one of my favourite ever songs, but the whole album is a work of youthful genius. What makes it so special? Is it the gentle strumming of the acoustic guitar? Is it the unique tunings Drake used? Is it the fabulously haunting string arrangements?
Well possibly. One thing to mention is that there is barely any percussion on this album, just the barest brush of a jazz drumkit or the gentle pitter-patter of congas. Drake surrounded himself with some of the finest folk musicians of the day on this album - Richard Thompson, Joe Boyd - but it is Danny Thompson's mellifluous double bass that makes the album float. Drake never sold more than 5000 records in his lifetime and died a tragic and reclusive figure. As a result, every tragic and reclusive Student believes him to be like some kind of a Byronic genius with a sense of his own doom. Certainly Way to Blue, Time Has Told Me, River Man and Fruit Tree do hold a kind of mournful air but let's face it, his wonderfully rich and husky voice is enough to make anyone weep. This really is a beautiful album and will enrich your life irrespective of your musical tastes. Now on CD at mid price, there is no excuse for you not to rush out and buy it.
This really is a life-affirming album for me. All I have to do is stick it on the CD player and I can go back to those long sunny afternoons in Blueball Flats with people dropping by, the smell of the damp corridor, the strange curries, the life without care......
Ahhhh......
AND NOW!!!!
Regular Whimsy contributor Claire has chucked in her thoughts on the Student matter. And here they are:
Dear Dan - Oooh - aren't we just spoilt for choice here!
Rubbish Student Trait of the Day - Walking very slowly 10 abreast
along the pavement. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, more annoying
than being blocked in by a load of Hannahs and Tristans when you're a
bit late for work. Teeth gritted in frustration as you try and dodge
through a cage of novelty rucksacks - you're effectively locked in a floppy
prison of Sean the Sheeps and Darth Mauls. They may have time to
dawdle before their lecture on Rap, or whatever. In the real world,
however, I have menial admin tasks to perform.
Most Annoying Type of Student Spawnyness - The student who gets a
house bought for them. Ker-rist! If you're gonna welch off the state
for 3 or more years, then you deserve to do it in poverty and
discomfort. Having Mater and Pater buy you a gaff near the campus so
you can fill it with crap posters and sponging friends completely
defeats the object. Many of these budding Bransons also have a shiny
DBC (Daddy Bought Car) parked outside, the lucky little shits. And
then, AND THEN, they still complain that they're broke, cos daddy saw
their bank statement and cut the allowance. Like I give a flying
frig. You've got a house - open a brothel or a gambling den. Try
living on Tesco Value food and shopping in Primark for your clothes,
you over-privileged streak of twat.
Actually, in college I knew a girl (who shall remain nameless... ah, no
- sod it, her name was Mary, or Scary Mary to anyone who had passed
more than a couple of minutes with her) whose dad had bought her a house.
I was her lodger for a couple of months and it was a hideous and disturbing
experience - a bit like being trapped inside a sanitary towel advert
directed by Dali.
She painted this nice house in revolting bright colours (hence it's name,
The Big Breakfast House), never, ever cleaned it, and filled it with assorted
freeloaders and stinking junkies in a pathetic attempt feel and appear
popular.
One of her favourite tricks was to stand up in the pub and shout "I'm having
a party - all back to mine!". And I would stand back and watch her house
slowly be wrecked and chuckle softly to myself............
At the end of my stay at this slatternly house of horrors, I asked
Scary Mary to return a bowl of mine that she had taken up to her room.
She looked slightly shamefaced and said that her boyfriend (called
Skye - yep, that's right, Skye) had been sick in it......... two
months previously, and she had not , as yet, cleaned it out....
Oh, constant Whimsyers - you probably haven't had the opportunity or the
inclination to study the effects of time and atmosphere on vomitus. I
guess I have had a unique insight. Put the smell of this puke-broth
to one side for a moment - I hardly need mention it smelt like Beelzebub
had shat in his hand - It was the colour that really got to me. The Sick
Had Turned Black.
Biggest Student Disappointment of the Day - Leaving College. After two and
a half years of drinking, drugging and whoring and six months of
half-hearted work, the hapless Lucy or Tom is booted out with no more that
some photos of them in a robe, a few more pretensions and a couple of well
thought out arguments. The flat featureless landscape of their future is
spread out before them whilst they decide whether to get a McJob, look for
a real career or stay on the dole whilst they follow their dreams/get
prematurely nostalgic/wonder what the fuck it is they really want to do.
This is often the time when one decides whether to go mad or not. Nobody is
quite sure if this phase ever ends.
Biggest Advantage of Being a Student of the Day - In a word,
Experimentation. It really doesn't matter what kind of wank-wit you were
back in your home town. When you start Uni (God, I hate that abbreviation)
you can change your hair, your sexual preference, even your name about ten
times a term. Nobody will laugh at you because they're also very busy
furiously re-inventing themselves.
Thanks Claire. Your thoughts are vital to our understanding of Studeys.
Funniest Thing About Students of the Day - Fresher's Week. As well as embarrassing sex, lots to drink and understanding the washing machine, Fresher's Week allows Studeys to get to know each other. Of course, because they are in a new place and just beginning to form relationships they will latch on to whoever they see. This causes groups of mismatched people desperate to get on with one another to gather in self-conscious posses. This causes me a great deal of mirth.
What I see in the centre of town are hordes of Students in vast gatherings in pubs, cafes, clubs and shops. They all look thoroughly uncomfortable. It's like looking at a demographic of Students in general. In every group there are the following types:
The Loud Shouty Girl
The Scally Down-to-Earth Bloke
The Quiet One - Either gender applicable
The Dry Witty Bloke
The Sarcastic Girl (who everyone can't wait to get rid of)
The Sensitive Boy (named Simon)
The Goth - Always the most amusing as they sit amongst the group looking utterly out of place and desperate to meet other goths
The Floaty Hippie Girl called Lucy
The Punk
In three months they will find their true mates and never speak to each other again until their last night of University in three years' time where they all hug each other and tell them how much they will miss "the old gang". Fuckers.
Student Syndrome of the Day - What makes people want to treat University like it was the French Foreign Legion? So many Studeys show up at college and then reinvent themselves so that they become nothing like they were "back home". The most irritating aspect of this is the acquisition of nicknames. Now I've known many people with nicknames and there are two types of people who have nicknames:
Those who make up their own
Those who have nicknamed foisted upon them
The ones who make their own nicknames are the tossers. I remember one girl in college who showed up, introduced herself to everyone as Kate and within three weeks decided her new name was Tinkerbell (or "Tink" for short) because she was a fairy (God help us). stay away from these people, they are wankers.
The ones who have their nicknames bestowed upon them are often ones with really arbitrary names that may not seem obvious. I myself went to school with a young chap called Michael whose nickname was Zico because he looked vaguely like the Brazilian footballer of the same name. Other nicknames? Well there was Dino (Simon - he looked like a dinosaur), Hexagon Jim (Jim - every story he told has six different sides to them) and Harry (Nathan - the story is far too long and complicated and partially involves his giant penis). All top nicknames and all somewhat abstract. In the case of Jim, he was not aware of his nickname, bless 'im.
So please, make your nickname sound as if it does not compliment you. It will sound that more genuine.
AND NOW pt.2 !!!!!
My beloved flatmate Jenny offers her own insights to the student experience
Dedication to Donna, the best mug hoarder in the West.
Despite the fact that, in a flat shared by 3 people owning,
collectively, approx 20 mugs [They were counted once, but I forget
now], one day not a mug could be found in two of the girls rooms,
kitchen, bathroom, hallway, and being no sitting-room the girls were
resigned to the fact that Donna had in fact got every mug in her room.
There were species growing in there that had not even been named yet.
There is another wee story relating to the end of 3rd year, but I
think I shall preserve her dignity over that one!
Poverty related cast-iron stomach syndrome.
In light of the excessive wave of cookery programming there is a
distinct lack of student survivalist shows - featuring items such as -
How to survive for a week when all you have is a bag of potatoes, a
small block of cheese, an onion and 46p. Or even a student Ready
Steady Cook - the budget of £5 intended to stretch out over 3weeks
(rather than just that one meal which ends up being a gourmet feast)
Believe me, it can be done (for 2 people, including tobacco
expenditure!)!
The accepted view that an 'early night' is going to bed before 2am,
and that getting up at 11 is not a lie-in, it's common practice -
anything earlier is torture.
Thanks Jen.
Top TV Student Totty of the Day - Well now that Buffy the Vampire Slayer has left high school and gone to college I see no reason not to award this prize to.......WILLOW! Did you see this week's episode? Lovely new haircut she's got. rrhrrhrhrrrhrhrhhhrrrhrhrhrhhhrrrrhrhrrrhrhrhhhrrrhhrrhhr!
Student Thought for the Day 1 - Oh God I've got two essays to do by April and Tellytubbies is on...
Dan Greensmith
Special Feature
The Otter's Nose - Malaise in the Welsh Music Scene
Whimsy Archive
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