Whimsy

See the emptiness of oblivion, the thousand small lights set against a
black velvet sky. The flash of Supernovae and the heavenly iridescence
of Nebula.

See the outer spiral arm of the Galaxy holding a billion stars and a
million, billion worlds.

This empty space....punctuated by.....

The roar of an impossibly large starship cruising over our heads, the
vessel of the Gods travelling from planet to planet delivering messages
of peace and eternal brotherhood.

What bollocks. Bloody hippies everywhere. Even in space.

Yes folks, it's the much-hyped Sci-fi Whimsy. I hope you will enjoy it.

No special guests for this one as all are welcome. As always, feel free
to leave your comments at the Whimsy Website:
www.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html>

I hope this Whimsy will encourage you to make your own observations on
all things Whimsical and Science Fictional. I begin by offering my
esteemed brother's take on the issue:

I would  like to give you the Iain M. Banks  definitions of
Science Fiction.

Science Fiction - hard core fictional science e.g Contact, 2001,
anything by Arthur C. Clarke, also ( to avoid complaint or death
threats) Asimov, Wyndham all the other classics
SciFi  (pronounced skiffy) take any pre - existing plot or
literary  device; add on 20 years, throw in Area 51, computers,
anti Einsteinian physics,  ultra-simplifications of philosophies on
politics, commerce and conflict, add hero and heroine of your
choice, pot boil for three months in forbidden planet, Finally sell to
Hollywood for the perfect straight-to-video classic.

Any contributions you make will be included in a follow-up Sci-fi
Whimsy. Get writing!!
 
Now I'm not a massive Sci-fi fan so if you're looking for deep and
meaningful insights into the various plot devices in Star Wars or
whether studying Klingon at University is a waste of time, you can just
disappear. And Nimrod, if by some chance you are reading this, let me
point out to you that you are a tosser, always were and will be and your
mother hates you.

OeeeeeeoooowhuuuummmmwhuuuuuummmIamaJedi!Likemyfatherbeforeme Welcome

Best Opening to a Sci-fi Movie of the Day - Well you can keep your Star
Wars' opening space battle or your Blade Runner's opening onto a Hades
Landscape. the opening I am on about is the fabulous opening to Paul
Verhoevan's Starship Troopers. Basically what happens is a bunch of
soldiers are running around a horrible planet accompanied by a  News
Film Crew. Great big bloody insectoid monster comes along and chomps the
Kate Adie of the future in half. Soldier turns to camera and screams
"Get the Hell out of here!!! Aaaaarrrgh!!!" More carnage.
How else do you begin a film? I reckon all films should begin in exactly
the same way, irrespective of what the film is about - even soppy
romantic comedies should begin with someone being torn apart by giant
marauding insects. I'd like to see Woody Allen begin his next
Bergman-esque critique of the middle-class New York intelligentsia with
that sort of thing. It will open people's minds to the realities of
intergalactic War.

Load of Sci-fi Toss of the Day - Dune. Have you seen it? Bloody long and
incomprehensible film version (directed by the fabulous David Lynch) of
Frank Herbert's bloody long and incomprehensible Sci-fi tome that is
practically unreadable.
Here's the plot: Galactic Empire rules Galaxy (unsurprisingly) and life
revolves around the control of a hallucinogenic spice/drug called
Melange which is created by giant sandworms on the desert planet of
Arrakis. Paul Atreides is the heir to the House Atreides whose mortal
enemies are the House Harkonnen. Paul's mum is part of a fanatical sect
of nuns who are all-powerful telepaths called the Bene Gesserit. With me
so far? Good. Paul is also the Shad'uz Haddarak, or some such nonsense,
and is a messiah to Arrakis, also known as Dune. The Harkonnens attack
and kill most of the Atreides and Paul escapes into the Desert and meets
up with the nomadic Fremen warriors who, rather confusingly, call him
both Muad'dib and Usul, which if you ask me is a little pointless. after
many jolly adventures involving giant worms and suchlike, Paul becomes
ruler of Dune.
Phew!
David Lynch's film version of all this is a complete mess in a strangely
endearing way. Ridiculous names like Muad'dib and Shai'Huul'-uud fall out of the sky with little or no preparation and we, the audience, sit there dumbfounded as
the most memorable thing about Dune is the sight of Sting, yes I do mean
Sting as in The Police and Ecowarrior shit and tantric sex and yoga and
so on, pratting about in a pair of futuristic underpants. Utterly
confusing, but then so was the book. Incidentally, David Lynch was one
of the original choices to direct Return of the Jedi. Imagine that! My
View on the David Lynch version of Return of the Jedi:
-Yoda talking backwards in a strange dream sequence.
-Jabba the Hutt's palace is filmed as a seedy nightclub where the music
drowns out most of the dialogue.
-All the interiors of the film are soundtracked by strange industrial
soundscapes
-A scene involving two stormtroopers and two immensely obese women
eating chickens appears for no discernible reason.
-Lando Calrissian blows his own head off for no discernible reason
-John Williams is not writing the musical score. Instead, the soundtrack
consists of Roy Orbison songs
-An Ewok finds a severed human ear for no discernible reason
-The Emperor sucks on an oxygen mask before trying to turn Luke to the
Dark Side
-Chewbacca has his fur shaved off for no discernible reason.
-Meanwhile Luke is a strangely naive youth with his father as the most
terrifyingly evil bastard in the cosmos
-Added to that, he fancies his own sister
Mind you, they kept those last two ideas in, didn't they? Hoho.

Sci-fi Facial Expression of the Day - Harrison Ford's constantly puzzled
expression throughout Blade Runner.

Sci-fi Actor of the Day - Gil Gerrard. Gil (pronounced the same as
'Jill' one supposes) appeared in the late 70s TV version of 'Buck Rogers
in the 25th Century'. He acted about as well as coffee tables generally
do and can now be found hosting "Hollywood's Most Cunning Stunts" on
Channel 5. In the pilot episode of 'Buck etc.' (which was, I kid you
not, given a cinema release in this country!) he finds a dinner/dance
reception a little too stuffy and formal. Whereupon he approaches the
"Band" - a four-armed mutant alien playing a keyboard that looks as
though it's made out of glass but sounds funnily enough like a late 70s
miniMoog synthesiser - and insists on changing the music to something
Buck can dance to. Henceforth Buck introduces 'Disco' to the future much
to the embarrassment of the other guests. Gil was certainly
embarrassing. Always posing for the camera and resplendent in the
obligatory chest hair and medallion. Now sometimes old Sci-fi shows can
be amusing or kitsch. Buck Rogers somehow looks like it was made from
leftover sets from the marginally superior Battlestar Galactica and
therefore is neither amusing (although cringeworthy) nor kitsch
(although certainly a period piece). the mind boggles if the 25th
Century really does turn out to look like that - all silver-painted
eggboxes on the walls and so forth.

Sci-fi Musical Moment of the Day - Ever heard of Starship? Aka The
Creature Wasn't Nice? This was an ultra-low budget spoof of Alien
starring Patrick Macnee and Leslie Nielsen. I saw it once when I was
about 7 years old and I have never even seen it in any other video shops
since. Not even Cardiff's fabulous "Video Cave" or Totnes' "World Video"
had a copy. I doubt if it is particularly good but one moment sticks in
my mind. When they capture the monster, and it's a giant jelly thing
with a Cyclops eye and a huge gaping mouth, they trap it in a cage and
it sings a show-stopping Broadway stylee song called: "I Want To Eat
Your Face". Sample Lyric:
"I want your smile inside my tummy / Baby, it would be yummy!"
Class stuff.

Once again, my brother is keen to share his thoughts with you on his
Whimsiness. Take it away Rob:

Rubbish Sci-Fi Children's Show That Wasn't Called Blake's Seven of the
Day - Captain Zep ("Captain Zep, Captain Zep, Super space detective!!").

But in defence of Blake's Seven, the script and acting is superb! Full
marks for getting the writing brain (and developer), of such
masterpieces as the Dr. Who, Daleks and the Survivors in for a prime
piece of television. Several million minus out of ten, however, for
giving BBC Visual (D)Effects £4.50 for 2 Airfix kits and a small box of
gunpowder  

Nice one Rob. And no, I don't think anyone will remember Captain Zep.

Load of Sci-fi Toss of the Day 2 - The end to 2001: A Space Odyssey. We
trip our bollocks off for the entire film, and particularly for the last
20 minutes or so, and then something happens and the net thing we know,
there is a giant orbiting baby. Strangely enough, this is reminiscent of
Teletubbies but without the "Eh-oh!".

Sci-fi Totty of the Day - 'Seven of Nine' from Star Trek: Voyager as
played by Jeri Ryan who outside of the show is revealed to be a bit of
an old moose, but in the show is strangely....um....bouncy. Yes we know
that she's rescued from the infamous Borg (a villainous race - a cross
between a machine and a tennis player from Sweden) and she is gradually
becoming more human but there's all those alien implants in her body
that make her more interesting. Especially her "sonar array" in the
"implants" in her chest. Hoho.
 
Grisliest Bit in any Sci-fi Movie of the Day - Star Trek 2: The Wrath of
Khan. Diminutive Russian officer, Mr. Chekhov, beams down onto desert
planet with colleague and discovers nefarious renegade genius Khan
(originally seen in the 1966 episode of the original series - "Space
Seed"). Khan recognises Chekhov immediately, which is astonishing
considering Chekhov wasn't in that episode. Khan then proceeds to
promise vengeance against Captain James T. Kirk for stranding Khan and
his crew on the intergalactic equivalent of Solihull. In order to
achieve this Khan grabs a strange worm/woodlouse thing with massive
fangs from the sand, all writhing and shrieking. It's disgusting. Khan
then plucks it's offspring from within the thing's exoskeleton and then
places it horrifically in Chekhov's ear. This is all accompanied by
blood and screaming. Khan then calmly informs Mr. Chekhov and his
similarly afflicted companion that this creature will initially allow
Khan to control Chekhov  for his evil purposes. Eventually the thingy will
wrap itself around his cerebral cortex and slowly gnaw its way through
his brain. EWWWWWWW!!!!! I still can't watch it to this day.
Later on in the movie it emerges from Chekhov's ear and it is promptly
disintegrated by our plucky Kirk. Bad Shit always happens to Chekhov. He
always got picked on in the original TV series, he gets badly burnt by
an alien probe in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, he gets this thing in
his ear in Star Trek 2, in Star Trek 4 goes back in time and he falls
off a US warship and nearly dies of a brain haemorrhage. Now, the poor
actor who plays Chekhov is stranded on Babylon 5 - A fate worse than
death if you ask me....  

Best Fucking Starship Ever of the Day - The Millenium Falcon. If I ever
got behind the wheel (or whatever) of Star Wars' greatest craft, I would
start off the experience by putting Led Zeppelin into the stereo and go
shootin' at TIE Fighters while Rockin' n' Rollin' round the galaxy. IN
THE DAIEEEES OF MAH YOOF I WAS TOL' WATITMEEENZ T'BEEA MAN!!! (pow!
zing! ka-boom! & etc)

Stupidest Name of the Day - Let's face it, some of our greatest Sci-fi
characters have bloody pathetic names. Take Jabba-the-Hutt's Major Domo
- Bib Fortuna - for example. Or even Muad'dib from Dune. The worst name
has to be Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Poor old Woof -
sorry, Worf - also has to put up with a Cornish Pastie strapped to his
head, poor dab.

Which brings us onto......

Stupidest Thing About Sci-fi of the Day - Everybody speaks English, even
in the furthest reaches of the galaxy and the only way we can tell that
they are Aliens (because to all intents and purposes they are still
humanoid and obviously descended from primates) is because they have
strange foreheads that look as though a tractor has driven over their
heads. Why can't Aliens be all weird and disjointed and asymmetrical? It
would look much cooler, believe me.

 
Puddiest* Sci-fi Movie of the Day - Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. Sci-fi is a genre that is ruined by the amount of shoddy material. This 1982 Mad Max rip-off is pretty rum stuff. Loads of mutants, black-clad baddies, space pirates and cheapo 3D effects. It's about as thrilling and thought provoking as an episode of Superted. Mind you, best thing about it is the evil head-baddie "The Uber-dog" or some such twaddle who looks scarily like David Beckham and - God, how strange - sounds a lot like Darth Vader. Not that Star Wars inspired a glut of cheap imitations. I wouldn't dream of suggesting such a thing......
 
Top Sci-fi Movie of the Day - It's cheap, it's very 80s, it's BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS!!!!!! This classic low-budget Sci-fi epic was created by Roger Corman (King of cheap low-budget movies like the original Little Shop of Horrors) and written by John Sayles (King of hip independent movie-making). It's basically a Sci-fi version of the Magnificent Seven. Poor agricultural planet is threatened by nasty mutant aliens called the Mel-Morrhi (led by the King of straight-to-video low budget movies, John Saxon) who have a "Stellar Converter" (it can blow up planets! I wonder where they got that idea from....?) and are not afraid to use it. The tiny planet get their pluckiest lad (played by the guy who plays John Boy Walton in The Waltons!) to use their only spaceship with weapons to find mercenaries to fight back against the Mel-Morrhi. On the way he picks up such fabbo actors as George Peppard (pre-"A Team"!) and Robert Vaughan - classic film in-joke ahoy! He was in the original Magnificent Seven! - and a load of aliens with cheap rubber make-up. 
It really is a Saturday-afternoon winner, all sub-Star Wars special effects and wobbly sets but is nevertheless a great movie. Added to this is a magnificent score by James Horner who later went on to score Krull (yaaay!) and Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (Hoorah!). Sadly, James Horner now writes cheesy shite like the score to Titanic (Boooo!). However, Battle Beyond the Stars really gave him a chance to shine by writing such fabulous brass parts. He later repeated this with an admittedly magnificent score to Apollo 13.
Battle Beyond the Stars is fucking great. I can never find it on video but it';s bound to be on telly on an idle Sunday in about 3 months. Watch it and have a wicked time!  
 
Best Closing Line to a Sci-fi Flick Ever of the Day - It's from a Bond
movie actually, Moonraker to be precise. Technically it's a Sci-fi film
'cos they are all out in space and they all shoot ray-guns. I'm
referring to that wonderful moment with the link-up from mission control
to the space shuttle where Bond is enjoying his victory in typical
Bondian fashion - i.e. shagging the bird. This all appears on the huge
screen and "M" is outraged
"M": Good God, what on Earth does he think he's doing?
"Q": I think he's attempting re-entry, sir.

Sci-fi Thought for the Day - Is Rick Deckard a Replicant?

*"Puddiest" is a word I've just invented. It describes something that is rubbish but is too silly to be taken seriously. As in "Brussel Sprouts are the puddiest vegetable around."
I expect you all to use the word in conversation in the next two weeks.

Dan Greensmith

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