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Gosh! Hello!!!
I hope you are well and chipper. Me? I'm dandy.
Last week saw the Sci-Fi Whimsy head your way and I do hope you enjoyed it - if you wish to add anything to what I have already written, please me in your comments. As usual, the Whimsy is available and contactable at: www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.html>
So back to normal Whimsy it is. I am sorry to tell you that we have lost one of our longest-standing Whimsy readers. Catherine Baum was one of the original people who was sent the Whimsy and as a result, she was one of the people who originally encouraged it. She has left the lovely city of Cardiff for the toilet seat of Manchester. Her problem, not mine. Catherine, as you all know, was United Nations Secretary General for five minutes when Kofi Annan got up to use the loo. Catherine seized power in a daring coup but was removed after 300 seconds when Mr. Annan flushed. Catherine then became a cow watcher for the Environment Agency. She's now gone away boo hoo and we will never see her again (NOOOOOOO!!!!!)
Farewell Catherine, but please do keep in touch.
For the rest of you, it's business as usual.
Sheeefafagagmuffin Welcome to all,
Bird of the Day - Sparrow. In Britain we have two types of sparrow.
There is the common House Sparrow and there is the increasingly rare
Tree Sparrow. This is worrying. The Tree Sparrow was once a very common
bird in our suburban gardens but for some reason - probably to do with
mankind, we always get the blame - it has become scarce. Even worse, the
House Sparrow, a bird we see on a daily basis, is also apparently in
decline. Now I don't like this turn of events. It signifies a dramatic
change in our ecosystem. If sparrows become scarce then a major part of
our food chain would disappear.
Interestingly, there is evidence to suggest that Sparrows have an
extremely complex hierarchical society. In this birdy society, the
"rank" of a particular bird is determined by the amount of black plumage
on its chest. The more dark feathers on a sparrow's chest, the more
senior it is. I'm sure you all watched David Attenborough's fine "Life
of Birds" series a few years back. Well I certainly did and learned a
great deal about our native birds.
Sparrows are great in an ordinary-but-sort-of-cool way. If they all died
out you'd miss them, wouldn't you?
Weather Phenomenon of the Day - Fog. Nope, can't see a thing. Fog is
God's blindfold and Jesus's blanket. Why fog has to exist is a mystery
but other countries don't get it like we do. Ever gone out on a foggy
night? It's like being in a Humphrey Bogart movie, or if it's really
murky it is like being in The Elephant Man. I always find myself
instinctively turning up the collar on my jacket in foggy weather. Not
because it keeps out the cold but because turned-up collars are cool!
Mind you, during the famous "pea-soupers" that your Granny will tell you
about, people actually died from these thick and glutinous fogs that
paralysed London.
Boat of the Day - The Waverley. The Waverley is the last ocean-going
paddle steamer in the world and every summer it comes to Penarth where
it carries tourists on long voyages around the Bristol Channel. It's
actually quite a tedious experience and as a child, my parents dragged me
on the Waverley and got me deliberately bored while they told me I was
having a wonderful time. Don't my parents realise that TV was my
childhood blanket? Don't they care that my attention span has been
dramatically reduced by the soothing brainless mush of TV? No they don't
care, and in accordance with the nihilism of the TV generation, neither
do I.
Car of the Day - Now I'm going to get in major trouble for this, 'cos my beloved flatmate Jenny loves this vehicle, but I have decided that I hate the Volkswagen Beetle. It is the most over-rated car in the world. This car is inexplicably popular with girls. Eeuurggh!! Why?
Is it the fact that it looks vaguely penile - I'm sure there's a bit of a
Freudian thing here - and is large and bulky like some pagan fertility
idol? Is it because it is small? Is it because it was created as the
main propoganda-born vehicle of the Nazis, designed by some of the same
people who put millions of people through the death camps? Oh no. The
reason why girlies (and wanky surfer "dudes") like the Beetle is because
it makes a curious "whuffly" noise as it drives past. Honestly! Oh and
the fact that some people decide to paint theirs purple - as if the
factory colours weren't adequate enough.
The Beetle is over-priced, uncomfortable, ugly, noisy, cold and
draughty, unable to carry many tapes, bound to break down sooner rather
than later, expensive to run and maintain and - to top it all off - the
engine is actually encased in a thin film of donkey shit. Honest to God
it is true.
I know, let's make the Volvo 245 Estate as popular with the girls as
Beetles are. Check this out:
- The 245 is huge, therefore big enough to carry all your make-up and
dolls and things. Also it is big enough to have a proper, lying-down
shag in the back
- The 245 has a surprisingly small turning circle
- The 245 can carry your boyfriend's drumkit in the back
- You can, should you so desire, paint a 245 all sparkly girly purple
- You could, if you were insane, cut the top off and have a useless
convertible. Why have a convertible when you live in a country where,
for 95% of the time, the sky always looks as though it's about to chuck
down fire and brimstone?
- The 245 was made by Swedish pornstars 'cos it comes from Sweden.
- If you get into a crash when driving a 245, you will walk away
unscathed 'cos Volvos are the safest car in the world. You could drive
into a nuclear explosion and come out smiling if you are in a Volvo 245
- A VW Beetle dents the moment you breathe on it, necessitating vastly
expensive repair
Come on folks, be brave and support your boxy Swedish cars! Start up the Volvo 245 Estate-Lovers Club. Now! Stop What You're Doing and Rush Out and Do it Now!!!!!!!!!
Band of the Day - Iron Maiden.
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I first bought an Iron Maiden album when I was 11. Naturally, as with most things in my life,
my friends and peers couldn't see what I was on about. But let's be
honest here, Maiden epitomise Rock, and in particular they are the
greatest Metal band ever. No contest. Fuck the opposition. Maiden have
been going for about 25 years and their brand of no-nonsense, full
blooded METAL is consistently appealing to the young and the old. Born
out of Sarf Lahndahn stock, their early gigs saw them with buckets of
pig's blood being poured over them - remember this was at the height of
punk and Maiden were spearheading the New Wave of British Heavy Metal,
called NWOBHM by journalists at the time. Alongside Maiden were
Motorhead, Judas Priest and, er, Def Leppard. Maiden had a powerful and
galloping style, established by Led Zeppelin on "Achilles' Last Stand"
and now copied by most metal acts. This was thanks to Steve Harris'
relentless bass style. The 'classic' Maiden line-up was during the mid
80s with vocalist Bruce Dickenson's trademark cod-operatic, "air-raid
siren" of a voice. Underpinning this was the twin-guitar attack of
Adrian Smith and Dave Murray's guitars - no Steve Vai twiddling here,
just honest blues-based riffage and solos albeit played much faster -
and also there was Steve Harris' under-rated bass gallop. Behind all
this was one of Rock's finest drummers Nicko McBrain.
This line-up, believe it or not, sold over 50 million records and this
year has re-formed to play gigs at Earl's Court and Birmingham NEC. What
was Maiden's secret? Well they had fabulous marketing. Knowing full well
the music press would hate them, particularly in the
NME-is-hipper-than-thou attitude of the early pre-Smiths 80s, Maiden
concentrated on those young men who were fascinated by wizards and the
devil and swords and prophets and Sorcerers - basically the dispossessed
prog fans left in limbo in the wake of Punk.
So Maiden had their logo - a jagged and angular typeface that could be
easily copied in graffiti - and a mascot - a semi-sentient cadaver
called Eddie which they turned into a giant mechanical robot for their
live shows - and the fanbase soon flocked to them. They also had great
fantasy-based posters and they were also the Kings of Metal T-Shirts.
OK, they may well be responsible for lots of Eastern Europeans with
mullets, but they were never "White-trainer Rock" in the Def Leppard
sense. For one thing, they did things a lot HARDER and FASTER than their
contemporaries and they were just better.
They have never pretended to be intellectual - most of their song titles
come from the titles of movies (The Evil That Men Do, From Here To
Eternity) and they were never tempted by the "power ballad" that ruined
so many (already dubious) bands in the 80s and they certainly never had
a "pastoral" moment with an acoustic guitar, at least not without
suddenly going into a full-throttle riff-fest.
Good tunes? Oh yeah! Fear of the Dark, 2 Minutes to Midnight, The Rime
of the Ancient Mariner, Run to the Hills, Can I Play With Madness?, The
Trooper, Running Free (and many more!!)
Good Albums? Not loads but Powerslave from 1984 is my personal favourite
and it really is a great album. So there.
Maiden aren't "Ironic" and they aren't "commercial" and they have never
compromised or done much with keyboards or drum machines. They do what
they do, they know their fanbase's needs, they have a workable formula,
so why should they move with the times? Of course they are hoary and a
bit long in the tooth but they really are one of Britain's classic Rock
bands. I also notice now some hip indie kids have started wearing their
t-shirts as an "ironic" statement. I say: Get your head round this one
kids, it's a size 12 Doc Marten. BOOOF!
But my ultimate affectionate thought concerning Iron Maiden? When I
first bought an Iron Maiden T-shirt at the tender age of 11, I thought
to myself:
"That's it! I'm fuckin' BAD now....."
Oh yeah, baby.
Recently I wrote an entry concerning eccentric British village names. Well a lot of you have contacted me to let me know you can think of hundreds but only Adam Lane has managed to send me some winners. And here they are:
I had your whimsy on my mind as I travelled through the Devon countryside recently, passing places such as Leg-o-mutton (near Tavistock) and Crapstone (also). Moving on into Cornwall that same afternoon I made fleeting visits to Crooked Spaniards, Catch French and Hatt, all remarkably stupid pace names.
I feel I must have some recognition for managing to somehow pass through all these daft names in one journey
and......
An amusing village in East Cornwall called "Splat", no less. What makes it more amusing is the large wall you encounter which supports the village sign. As you tootle around the corner at (ahem) 30 miles per hour this wall is all you can see with "Welcome to Splat" written on it. Talk about the writing on the wall! You get flashbacks of old Batman episodes - "welcome to Splat kablam Zap" etc...
Knot of the Day - Reef knot. I was once upon a time in the Cub Scouts
and one of the reasons for being a Scout is to learn certain survival
techniques like how to wear a Woggle (don't ask) and how to salute
someone using only three fingers. The Cubs also want you to learn to tie
things properly. As a Cub, I wasn't shown a piece of string until I was
10 years old. By that time I was past caring and I learnt to tie a Reef
Knot through sheer boredom. Can I tie anything else? Absolutely not,
although Robert Shaw's performance in "Jaws" suggested to me that
fishermen are only impressed if you can tie a "Sheep Shank". I left the
Scouts when I realised it was really for girls and I haven't looked
back.
Trumpeter of the Day - Art Pepper. Delightful-toned master of the
post-bebop years. Without the true grace of Miles Davis but that should
not detract from his gorgeous lyrical style.
Telly Channel of the Day - Channel 5. The home of ultra cheap
programming and the current bastion of soft pornography in this country,
Channel 5 has an appalling record of programmes - nothing is essential
viewing on this channel, I never feel the urge to watch anything on that
channel (no matter how desperate I feel) - and yet Ch. 5 sometimes pulls
a winner by showing some ace movies - Monty Python and the Holy Grail,
The Hitcher, Speed etc. Mind you, their "erotic thrillers" starring
Shannon Tweed are running on a daily basis. And of course Ch. 5 is now
the presenter's graveyard. So many formerly glorious broadcasters have
found their niche there, from Keith Floyd to the great Keith Chegwin,
who recently "bared all" in a nude jungle challenge game. Top game show
on Ch. 5 has to be the fantastic Fort Boyard, which is a much more
hardcore version of the Crystal Maze complete with tarantulas, the
porcine and pneumatic Melinda Messenger, Leslie Grantham in game show
hell (it's a long way down from being the King of Soap Bastards to being
the sinister, black-clad monosyllabic master of Fort Boyard -
incidentally, Leslie Grantham was once convicted of 2nd degree murder
and has "done time" for his heinous crimes), and last but not least,
three magnificent Tigers (RAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!) who prowl around the
interior of the Fort - which is positioned right in the middle of the
English Channel on a man-made island, part of a network of isolated sea
forts built to defend Britain against the might of Napolean's navy in
the early part of the 19th century - and attempt to pick off any unlucky
contestants. Fort Boyard is cool but Ch. 5 is not. Mind you, where else
can one watch the misleadingly titled late movie: "Hallelujah! It's
Raining Spunk part 4: Lethal Obsession" (starring Shannon Tweed)?
Thought for the Day - Is this you touching me, or me touching you?
Dan Greensmith
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