Father Malthus Brimstone's Bible Page
Gaze Upon the Face of Satan
Now See the Face of Jesus
The internet is a haven for perverts, sexual deviants, Satanists and sinners of the worst kind.
The page is a tiny oasis where god fearing folk can shelter from the tide of digital perversion.
My topic for today is the old testament which, comes in for a great deal of criticism. Heathen scum
describe this book as nothing more than a collection of creation myths ripped off from other, more
ancient religions. What blasphemous nonsense, anyone holding this view will surely burn in hell.
However to counter the view that I am a religious crank, preying/praying on the gullible with vague
religious rhetoric I will answer all the common criticism of the old testament.
My righteous words of truth will burn out the brains of the unbelievers.
Listen to a Sinner Repent
Genesis
Q: God created light on day one but did not create the sun until day four, how was this possible?
A: There is no mystery here, god himself generated the light until he found time to
create a permanent source of illumination.
Q: If the earth only dates back to 4004 BC (using the family trees given in the old testament)
why does all the scientific evidence indicate that the earth is over four billion years old?
Then of course there is all the light from stars several hundred million light years away etc.
A: God in his wisdom created the earth with all this fake evidence, as he did with the light from distant
stars to test our faith. Our faith must be unshakeable whatever the evidence to the contrary,
and never be swayed by the lies of Satan worshipping scientists.
Q: How was it possible to gather two of every species on the planet and keep them alive on an Ark
for months on end?
A: Because god made it possible, you blasphemous imbecile.
Q: Why was it that Lot was allowed to have sex repeatedly with both of his daughters and god just
turned a blind eye, however Sodom was destroyed for nothing more than a little Sodomy, which
was not yet illegal as the Moses had not been up Mount Sinai for god's law?
A: Lot had to father a couple of nations and in the desert strong, child bearing woman were hard to
find, god gave Lot a special dispensation for the good of all his people. As for those Sodomites,
god's teeth just to think of those sinners makes my blood boil, they should have known better
and got what they deserved.
Q: Why did everyone in the old testament live to such a ripe old age? Methuselah for example
lived to be 969.
A: In those days there was no pollution and junk food, people just lived longer.
Q: Was Onan killed for wanking or for refusing to sleep with his brother's widow?
A: Both, he disobeyed god's specific instruction to shag his brother's widow and masturbation
is always a sinful act. The sperm that falls on the Kleenex tissue is the fruit of Satan.
Exodus
Q: Moses was 40 when he killed his first guard and then spend 40 years in the desert, it also rained
for 40 days during Noah's flood and it took the Israelites 40 years to reach the promised land.
Does god like the number 40 or is the appearance of the number 40 throughout the old testament
just a strange co-incidence?
A: As the old testament is fact, the frequent occurrence of the number 40 is just a co-incidence.
Yet another way of god testing our faith by using totally improbable co-incidences.
Q: When god decided to kill all those Egyptian children why did the Israelites have to put a lamb's
blood cross on their doors? If god is all knowing wouldn't he know which houses contained
his people and therefore know when to hold back on the baby butchery?
A: As we all know Superman can not see through lead with his X-ray vision. God's omnipotence has
similar restrictions. The houses in Egypt must have been made of a substance which blocked god's
divine X-ray vision.
Q: Moses left Egypt with 600,000 able bodied men, this would give a total population of around
2-3 million, far more than the number of Egyptians in the area, sure this number must be wrong?
A: The number is correct, archaeologist are involved in a world wide Satanic conspiracy to fake
evidence to show the bible as fictitious nonsense. I trust in my faith before fools like that any day
of the week.
Q: The Israelites fled from the city, Raamses, not far South of modern day Port Said. Just outside
of Raamses Moses parts the Red Sea, which is a huge distance from Raamses and is not even
en route from Raamses to the Sinai, how can Moses have done this?
A: Again those archaeologists are up to their seditious tricks, obviously the actual location of
Raamses must be closer to modern day Hurgada on the coast by the Red Sea.
Q: Some of the rules given to Moses on Mount Sinai seem a little odd, what of the following:-
Selling your daughter into slavery, even as a concubine is permitted.
Virgins appear to have a "going rate."
Building humorous traps like, digging a pit and covering it in branches is forbidden.
A: These are god's laws and are to be obeyed not questioned, it is not for us to try and explain
the working of the lord.
Leviticus
Q: Is seems as if some of the rules in Leviticus are a little sexist ie. Women are unclean after
childbirth and during menstruation. Is it possible that Moses hated women and made these
rules up?
A: Gadzooks, you will bathe in sulphur for even suggesting such a thing.
Q: Men are given permission to sleep with their servants as long as they burn a ram afterwards
at the temple. Surely this rule allows and condones licentious behaviour?
A: Quite the reverse, given the prohibitive cost of rams in those days very few men would be able
to afford to do this.
Q: The rules ban homosexuality, sleeping with animals and having threesomes with a girl and her
mother.Given that we know the holy land had a city devoted to homosexuality (Sodom) and
that rules are only made to curb actual behaviour (ie no pink elephants therefore no rules to
keep pink elephants out of the park) does this not prove that the holy land had a great gay
scene, that the Israelites were heavily into bestiality and that a menage a trois with your
girlfriend and her mother were common place?
A: God's teeth, you blaspheming blackguard, may Asmodeus feed on your innards. Sodom
was destroyed to put a stop to the sickening orgies going on there.These other rules were
used to show the Israelites just how sinful their Baal worshipping neighbours were, and to
give them the religious zeal they need to go and slaughter them in god's name.
Q: The curses listed should the Israelites disobey seem a little severe, ie punishment seven times
worse than the sin, feasting on your own children etc. I thought god was supposed to love his
people.
A: God does love his people however should they turn their backs on him and bow down before
Idols then it is only right he should teach them a lesson. We must all fear the lord.
Deuteronomy
Q: Moses seems to have tagged a few extra rules on when he reads god's law for a second time,
where do these new rules come from?
A: It is likely that god appeared to him in the form of a burning bush with an errata sheet.
Q: Why are men with crushed testicles or a severed penis excluded from the congregation of god?
A: Any man that has allowed his private parts to be hacked off or crushed must have been up to
no good.
Q: The rules clearly allow quickie divorces, why has the church traditionally been against this?
A: This rule does not contain enough details so the church has had to flesh it out a bit according
to god's will. I am the voice of the lord.
Q: Why did it take the Israelites 40 years to cross the Sinai as Lawrence of Arabia crossed it in
three days on a camel?
A: The answer is simple, Lawrence of Arabia took a direct route through the middle of the Sinai
and the Israelites took the long route walking close to the sea.
Judges
Q: God did not seem bother about the morals of those who he picked to be his judges, Jael broke
the sacred hospitality laws, Ehud was an assassin and Samson married a foreign woman and
committed adultery. Why didn't god chose someone honest and just to be his judge, like
Judge Dredd for instance?
A: The important factor with these judges was their faith, admittedly they went off the rails from
time to time but honest repentance and the killing of a few thousand Philistines with the jawbone
of an ass is enough to put right past peccadilloes.
Samuel 1&2
Q: When god chose Saul to be the first king of Israel he was chosen because he was the tallest and
most handsome man in the land. Surely being wise, just and god fearing would have been slightly
better criteria?
A: God works in mysterious ways, try to understand them and you will burn in hell.
Q: David, ancestor of Jesus, was supposedly one of the greatest kings, yet he saw Israel plunge into
civil war, he slept with Bathsheba the wife of his guard Uriah, when Bathsheba became pregnant
he had Uriah killed and he was hated by his son Absalom who also met with an untimely death. Is
this the kind of man god would like us all to be?
A: The flesh, as we all know is weak, David was doing a fine job until Satan sent the temptress
Bathsheba to lure him from the straight and narrow. As the bloodshed that followed was not
David's fault god was happy to forgive him as long as he stoned a few sinners.
Kings 1&2
Q: Like David, Solomon is regarded as a great king yet he mortgaged 20 cities to Tyre, forced the
Canaanites into slavery, used his own people as forced labour and all the while he had 666 talents
(1 talent=30KG) of gold, 700 wives and 300 concubines. In his later years Solomon forgot god
completely and began to worship Idols.Why didn't god put him to death?
A: Being a king is not easy, god makes allowances. Solomon built the temple, so he was given a
little leeway. I'd like to have seen any of you doubting Thomas's running Israel, it was not an
easy country to govern, the Israelites were complete bastards, sinning one minute and whinging
the next, it is a wonder to me that god did not kill the damn lot of them, I know I would have.
Esther
Q: Is it not possible that the story of Esther is influenced by the myths of the Persian Goddess Ishtar?
The Goddess of war and love, closely identified with the planet Venus and worshipped by a cult of
sacred prostitutes.
A: May the lord strike you down for even suggesting such a thing, may your arse forever bathe in
flaming sulphur.
Job
Q: The treatment of Job seems a little over the top. God knows that he is faithful and yet he still
takes away his land, his family, his wealth and inflicts a plague of warts on him just to test his
faith and prove Satan wrong. If god is all knowing why would he need to inflict such horrors
on a just man in the name of Satan?
A: Satan dared to challenge the lord, he had to be proved wrong, the lord's credibility was on
the line. Job understood this and was happy to be tested.
Psalms and Proverbs
Q: Psalm 137, "happy will he be that grabs ahold and does dash to pieces your children against
the crags." Does god encourage the killing of children?
A: The children of sinners, yes!
Q: Psalm 58, "Oh god knock out his teeth". Is god into acting like a thug for his disgruntled
followers?
A: The man had sinned he should think himself lucky that it is only his teeth that are being
knocked out.
Q: Proverb 5: "for as a honeycomb the lips of a strange woman keep dripping, and her palate is
smoother than oil. But the after effect from her is as bitter as wormwood,..., her feet are
descending to death." Does god hate women?
A: Women are notorious for leading men into temptation, they are the tool of the Devil. God does
not hate them, he just wishes that they were not there.
Q: Proverb 22: "better it is to dwell in a wilderness land than with a contentious wife along with
vexation." Is god suggesting that if a man is unhappy with his wife he should abandon her for a
life in the mountains?
A: I am sick of these questions about what god wants. We must believe everything he says without
question, science is nothing but deviltry, as are your questions. I will call the vengeance of the lord
down upon your head. Die Sinner
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