Dr Onan's Problem Page


   There are many troubled people in this world and I,
   Dr Onan, the famous eunuch doctor, am in a perfect
   position to answer these problems. Untroubled by
   craven sexual urges I can view the problems of the
   sexually frustrated masses with a cool dispassionate
   eye. Nurse Antipoda my kiwi assistant is on hand to
   provide me with an insight into the cluttered mind of
   a female and to put her vast sexual experience to
   good use by advising me on matters of female sexual
   trickery.






Read from my Tome of Sad Cases


   Dear Doctor Onan
I have always considered myself to be a loving husband, I treat my wife well and only ask that she has the dinner on the table within five minutes of my coming home from work. I am generous with the house keeping and only slap her when she really deserves it. Lately I fear she has stopped loving me and our sex life has evaporated. What can I do to bring the zing back to my sex life and how can I be sure that she still loves me?

   Doctor Onan Says
Yes, this is a common problem. We have all heard the saying, "spare the rod spoil the brat." Well a similar saying, "spare the strap spoil the wife" applies equally well to adult relationships. You have been far too soft with your wife, you have let your love rule your head and thus your wife has ran all over you. It is well known that a woman only respects a man who is in charge, I suggest that right now would be a good time to administer one of those slaps you mentioned in your letter. As to proving your wife's love, this is easy, ask her to perform fellatio, if she brings you to orgasm and swallows then she loves you, otherwise cast the woman out and find another.



   Dear Doctor Onan
A friend of mind is having his stag night in a couple of weeks and a few of the lads have got together and planned a little surprise for him. He will be expecting a stripper and to have his bollocks shaved, the usual kind of thing. However we have planned something much more original, when he is suitably drunk we plan to bend him over a table and take turns to sodomise him, I know that this is something he has always fantasised about. Do you think we will be going to far?

    Doctor Onan Says: Over to you Nurse Antipoda
This kind of thing is very common in my part of the world. Prospective grooms regularly engage in anal sex on their stag nights. Cricket umpires and All-Black Captains regularly enjoy a good beating followed by a broom shank up the arse and TV presenters have a liking for rectal pleasures of the vegemite jar variety. Please do not worry about what you are planning, it is just manly high jinks, just one word of caution, ensure the 'taker' consents, as rape trials are not unheard of if this kind of prank goes a little too far.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I am a quiet man with few pleasures, I don't go out much and try and keep myself to myself where ever possible. However I do have one pleasure, in that I like to sunbathe "as god intended" in the privacy of my own garden. I have tried to be discrete but on a couple of occasions I have been spotted by my neighbours. This has led to ugly scenes and one neighbour has even threatened to, "kick my fucking head in." I have a ten inch penis, is this relevant?

   Doctor Onan Says
It is quite clear that you are doing nothing wrong. I too had a ten inch penis before the unfortunate accident with the lathe. You are well within your rights to sunbathe nude and what is causing the trouble is not the nudity but the size of your penis. All your neighbours are suffering from penis envy, the men wish they could possess such mighty weapon and the women of course, wish to experience such a beast. This frustration is leading to the aggression. You could defuse the situation by donning trunks whilst sunbathing, thus protecting the men, and then inviting the women around for illicit sex sessions and giving them what they really want.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I am desperate to try anal sex but I am too embarrassed to buy any KY jelly at the chemist. Can you tell me of any other substance that would do the job just as well but does not carry the stigma associated with sodomy?

    Doctor Onan Says: Over to you Nurse Antipoda
I advise the use of vegemite, after a good fisting of course. If this is not to your taste try Anchor butter after a good half hour sniffing poppers.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I have fallen in love with what I thought was a wonderful man, he is caring, sincere and is a great lover. I had never had multiple orgasms until he gave me a sexual awakening. Everything was fine until one fateful day, I returned home from work early and heard groaning and creaking coming from our bedroom. At first I thought my boyfriend was just doing a few press ups. Imagine my horror as I opened the door and saw him in bed with my parents. My boyfriend and my father were spit roasting my mother. I was devastated, how could he have seduced my innocent parents like that? I fled from the room and have gone into hiding, what should I do?

   Doctor Onan Says
I have had a similar problem, however the family members involved where my grandparents. I took a cricket bat to their heads and really taught them a lesson. If you do not want to resort to such extreme measures then you have only one course of action left. You must exact a terrible revenge, you must sleep with his parents and he must catch you gamahuching his mother. This will let him know that he can't get away with this sort of behaviour and your relationship will be all the stronger for it.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I am totally sex crazed and find that there are just not enough women out there to satisfy my massive libido. It has become so bad that I am going to have to kill myself, I can't live with this permanent erection, please help.

   Doctor Onan Says
There is only one course of action which can save you. You must turn to religion, but not just any old religion you must set up one of your own. All you need to do is find a bunch of gullible half wits who are searching for meaning in their confused lives and then offer them that meaning. The more extreme and insane the answer the more these people will believe you. It is best to claim to be the son of god and, in order to spread your godliness far and wide you need to have sex with all the women in the newly formed cult. To prove their faith all the men in the cult must abstain from sex and offer you their wives. I am sure that this will solve your problem as it has done for sex crazed power freaks since the dawn of time.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I have just met a wonderful woman and think that I have fallen in love with her. I am a bit old fashioned and like to get to know a person before any hanky-panky takes place. Now that we have been seeing each other for three years I think the time is now ripe for us to move past the French kissing stage. However I know that my relationship is destined for disaster as I have kept a dreadful secret from my girlfriend, I only have a 1 1/2 inch penis, and that is when it is stiff, on the slack it is like a walnut. Not only is the length a problem but the little man's girth is nothing to brag about either. What am I going to do?

    Doctor Onan Says: Over to You Nurse Antipoda
I am sorry to say mate that you are destined to be more of a loser than the Auckland Warriors. All real women like men with big dicks, that means both length and girth, especially girth. Personally if a man opens his trousers and is packing a pea shooter I piss my sides and heap derision on him. I like to feel my mouth stretched to capacity when I fellate a man, if his tackle is only good for flossing my teeth with then he is dead meat unless he has plenty of cash. If you are loaded, no worries someone will restrain their natural desire to ridicule your gerbil dick, if not then you may as well kill yourself, or move to Scotland, I have heard that the women there are desperate.



   Dear Doctor Onan
I work for a firm of builders and have recently had trouble controlling my sexual desires at work. My urges have become so powerful that I have begun to lust over the sanding machine. I dream having my erect penis rammed against the sanding plate, I imagine the thrill as it reduces my weapon to a mangled stump.

   Doctor Onan Says
As one who has felt the exquisite please of emasculation I suggest you live out your fantasy as soon as possible. Nothing can compare to the pleasure of having the penis ripped from the body, so let the sander have it, it's what it wants, it's asking for it.



   Dear Doctor Onan
Please help me I am totally obsessed with nurse Antipoda, I stay hooked up to the net for hours just staring at those wonderful assets. I must have her, already I have dreadful friction burns on my penis resulting from all the masturbation I indulge in whilst gazing on her Antipodean beauty and dreaming of her ginger pubics. Will she ever be mine?

    Doctor Onan Says: Over to You Nurse Antipoda
No chance mate, my boyfriend is a rock hard Geordie who is more of a man down below then you will ever be. I have shown him this letter and he is on his way right now to kick the shit out of you. I see you are from London so he does not expect any trouble from a Manchester United supporting, shandy drinking ponce like you. Eat Geordie boot leather you wanker.



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