EDGES MAGAZINE

OCTOBER 1997

Edges magazine listens to the story of Jane who is now a grandmother. She has brought up seven children of her own and knows the problems mothers can face

THE PAINS OF MOTHERHOOD
We can't stay in the pram forever



babyI suppose I had a very sheltered upbringing even though I was one of eight children. My sister was the eldest, and I was in the middle of six brothers. I don't think I ever climbed a tree or behaved badly to anyone during my early years. I am not saying that I was an angel, merely pointing out some memories of childhood. My mother spent her life at home, only going out to work around the corner at the mill on a special housewife’s shift from 6pm - 10pm. I think this was the saddest time in my young life. I had a great feeling of loss. Fortunately, it did not last long. My father was the worker. He didn’t tell stories, or sing to us, or play hymns on the old piano.

You might wonder what this has got to do with motherhood. Well, I believe, without planning to do so, that we rear our children in a similar way to our own upbringing, especially if we have had a happy childhood. If we have not been happy, or have been deprived in any way, we try to make adjustments. Often the pendulum swings too far, as we try to compensate and make sure our children do not suffer the same things that upset our lives.

Unlike today’s youngsters, I had no idea I was pregnant with my first child. I became very ill at work. I had been married for three months and I never thought I might be pregnant. It was quite a shock when the idea was put to me by the matron in the day nursery where I worked as a children’s nurse. Incredible joy and excitement overcame me. How clever we were! Nothing really happened to us, we were just ordinary people and yet we were going to have a baby. I had so many dreams, so many aspirations. Within 4 ½ years, I had four sons. Each baby was precious and individual. I went on to have three daughters; seven children in all. It was very hard work. In the years to come I was often brought back to a time when I was feeling sorry for myself and complaining about the children to my mother. She told me to make the most of these years because they are the best You know then what they are thinking but there will come a time when you won't know and wish that you did.

Styles of bringing up children have changed because we have changed as a society. One-parent families, media coverage, peer group pressure are among but a few of the changes society has had to adjust to. Parents going out to work to make ends meet and also, others need to keep up with the Joneses. Some working mothers talk of quality time with their children. I am not decrying this. There are some people who don’t believe in themselves enough. I learned so much from all the time with my mother. She got angry and sad. We never had any money or went on holiday. During the holidays, my father made a box kite and we went on the fields to fly it. I think he was probably more excited than we were. My mother prayed a lot. I remember one time she put the minimum of money on the pools and she won. I was thrilled. The week before, the dividend was £3000. She was going to be rich. However, when she got the cheque it was for £33. I was devastated, especially in the following two weeks when the same win netted £3000 and £6000 for the lucky winners. My mother merely smiled. “I only prayed to make ends meet,” she said. “I can pay the bills now."

When I became a parent, I was a trained nursery nurse. I shouldn't make many mistakes. Forget it. I made many mistakes but my children survived. One of my big mistakes was not realising that my third boy was deaf. In those times discipline was important - spare the rod spoil the child. He was smacked every time he was disobedient. When he became a young man, I asked him to forgive me for all the times he was smacked. He laughed and said, “If you’d forgive me for the things I have done.” I thought this was a bit cryptic but over the years he has told me of many scrapes he has escaped. Thank God parents don’t know all.

As you will understand, having seven children brings seven times as many problems. At one point in my life, everything seemed to be crowding in on me. One great worry was that I might die and leave my youngest daughter on her own. I was forty when she was born. Another daughter, who was nine years older than her and at University, asked me why I was so unhappy. I told her and she promised me she would look after her. I believe this was when I finally became friends with my eldest daughter. From then we took each other into our confidence and shared many secrets.

Another great upheaval, was when another daughter left home at sixteen. I was devastated. I had failed her. Looking back, I was to blame if any blame needed to be attributed. I did not move with the times. I was afraid not of her doings but of others that could lead her astray. This period of my life was dreadful. I had mixed feelings. It was as if all my love for her had been sucked away. I felt empty. It was also a learning experience and my youngest daughter benefited from this.

It was by chance that I came upon a new strategy for bringing up my youngest after the upset of the last story. I am a teacher and it was when I was on a PE demonstration course. The lecturer was showing us very painstakingly how children should get out and use a very large, heavy PE mat. Someone got quite bored with this and asked when should we introduce them to the larger equipment. She explained that because they were introduced too soon, they became bored when they got to secondary age. You'll know when they are ready and, sure enough, we did. They became restless. They pushed for something else until we knew the time was right. I practised this with my youngest daughter. How late she could stay out, how many times she could do a certain thing, when to increase the pocket money, etc. It worked.

My greatest sadness was when she had a friend die during the Christmas holidays. She changed from a happy, bubbly girl to a sick, unhappy, depressed wreck. I was beside myself. I saw all kinds of professional people who could do very little to bring her round. God was my help. I prayed that he would comfort me and allow me to accept this. I said that from now on after trying all the professionals, I would put my trust in Him. By this time she had opted out of school. Now she is back to her true self. She wanted to spread her wings and leave home. I can only say, “Lord, I put my trust in You.” For the first time in 38 years I will be in a large house with my husband only. The house has many happy and unhappy memories. I must leave it sometimes.

You think it has ended? Well think again! It is just beginning with the next generation. Already I have been responsible for patching up one of the partnerships. I don’t take credit. I just have learned to have faith. It really can move mountains. Sometimes not as quickly as you would like them to be moved. You see, no one said you had to see the results of your prayer. My mother asked me before she died, to look after my 2 brothers who were unmarried. The youngest went to Lourdes to recover from a trauma in his life. He met his future wife and they will soon be celebrating their Silver Wedding.

During my life as a mother, I have learned to accept change. I once objected to all money spent on advertising against contracting AIDS. I thought it would never affect us, but of course, it did. A friend of one of my children came to stay on numerous occasions and his sister died of AIDS. I have welcomed drug addicts, gays, lesbians etc. etc. into my home. I have learned a lot since I was a 20 year old girl who didn’t know she was pregnant.



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. Material Copyright © 1997 THOMAS (Those on the Margins of a Society)
THOMAS is an integral part of Catholic Welfare Societies, Registered Charity number 503102