MY SILENT TEARS

ECHOS

I look out of his hospital window,
I see shadows, shapes, reflections,
Of life and buildings, bustle and strife -
Traffic, pollution and ugliness,
People and beauty: almost too late in the fading light;
I see an old old man.
I've always wanted a Dad.

I stare at him, cadavre-like; thin -
I see an unhappy, ancient shell
Bewildered, mortified - He'd wandered out,
Catheter-bag confused for his brief-case,
Sign of authority, the bread-winner of long ago.
They'd dragged him back pyjamad, bemused.
I tell myself: this is your Father.

I remember fear - I was your daughter, you bastard!
But I remember hate, and anger - and needing -
Twilight shades reflect in my brain
Darkness and pain and desperate longing -
I spent years running away; hiding -
From this pathetic being I hid?
I cry inwardly this was my Father?

I see below on dusky pavement,
A little girl, tiny - cradled in fatherly safety,
There had been many like her I would rather have been.
Pellets of pain hit my heart, my soul,
As rain drops echo on the window - repeatedly.
I eye up and down my degenerating parent,
And realise I have a long way to go.
Will there ever be one moment when you are my Dad?

I see obscure shapes of high-rise flats,
Ghostly - whose reflections ooze aloneness - need.
I wonder if God sees it too,
All our lostness, and hope gone to seed?
A nurse with shiny teapot stops by,
I see my reflection: ugly - like the rest.
But have the rest had Dads?

That lit up crane, still at work,
Pulling down Sainsburys - overpowering, strong -
Destroying - like mighty Caesar in battle;
Like you, destroyer of the destroyed.
But even he was laid oh so low -
I wonder if this "Caesar" had a Dad?
My Father had a Dad.

I see his eyes open, searching through mists;
I think "Oh God, here goes!"
I brace my shadow, my faceless self.
My mask of patience and pretence.
But I am struck! Harder than the crane
Hitting the bricks, Unique moment:

I see a soul in distress;
His silent pleading hits my true face
He is my Father - (I'll admit that much)

I sense a soul's need for remorse
Its need to blossom,
Just once, before it dies -
I see tears forming in faded eyes,
In each drop, a plea unspoken.
Over my favourite rosary, I fold his thin, shaking hand,

The moon, now full, dispelling illusions;
Lightening shadows in the dawn of forgiveness

Good Night Dad?
God Bless Just Once?
Jemma



THE STRUGGLE WITHIN

Who is this person I run from
Insidious feelings, tired minds
No thoughts or feelings unkind
Hatred has never been this great
I look around this cold & dark world
Things I see make the blood swirl
Within this turbulent frame
Life's a long & winding road they say
Heads caught within a vice
I scream out within despair
Confusion & vulnerability reigns
Give me physical pain any day
Mental pain I want to run away
Was I born into nothing?
Or was nothing bred into me
This struggle within
Will I ever find the real me?
Only time will tell
My life is as the sands of time
Shifting turning forever drifting
Only time will ease the pain

DANIEL FRANCIS