EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 13

Mar-May 1998



HELEN'S
positive
battle with heroin


My name is Helen; I'm 24 years old. I have been using drugs since the age of 13, starting off with alcohol and Cannabis down at the local park, as you do being a bit rebellious and curious. I went on to get involved with the "acid house scene" with the Ecstasy and Acid and those kind of drugs; that was through my teenage years. When I was aged 18, and all that scene had died down, everyone in the town seemed to turn to a drug called Heroin and Tamazipan tablets. I started taking Heroin when I was 18 years old.

At first I thought there was no change in my life, I thought I was so smart, I was in control. I was working at the time. I managed to get a good job because I was quite devious, and because I was devious people thought I was a good person. I got a good job working in a Bank. At that time my Heroin use escalated, thinking it was causing me no problems, the arguments started at home, stealing from my Mother's house, I crashed my Mum's car, and by the age of 18 I was arrested for my first possession of drugs, but still I thought I was in control.

I was asked to leave the family home because my parents couldn't cope with me any more and I was staying in various bedsits and friends houses. I moved to a different town and got my own flat. My Heroin and Crack/Cocaine use had progressed very much at this time and by the age of 20 I was highly addicted. I was keeping up the pretence of a normal life. On one hand I was working, had a flat, job, car, clothes, money, all the things that a young girl should have. From the outside I seemed quite decent, but the reality was I had another secret life where I was using young lads to sell drugs for me, I had a massive drugs habit and I wasn't happy because I was just living a lie.

At this stage I didn't want to stop taking Heroin because still I thought I had things pretty much under control, even though at this time I was getting various warnings at work. I had to lie to them why I was taking days off sick, going in late, being sick at work, looking pale and ill. I didn't contact my family for months at a time, because I didn't want them to know what was going on. I had different sets of friends, some that I kept up a pretence with of being a normal young girl; but to others I was a Heroin addict. I thought I was so clever and I had control of things and I was too smart for the Police and everything. For a few years this worked out fine.

In June 1996 I first got busted for supplying Heroin. At this time I lost my job through the Police going in to work and some people had been finding out what I was up to. I actually thought right, I'll move town and get myself together. I was in a using relationship with my boyfriend at the time; I thought that if I moved away everything would be fine. It was the company I was keeping; it was where I was living so for some reason we moved down to Stoke-on-Trent with all good intentions of building a better life for ourselves.

We stayed at a YMCA hostel, because we didn't have an address we couldn't get a job, because we didn't have a job we couldn't get a deposit for a flat, so we went back to selling drugs again. I thought things were great for a few months, the money was back again, the drugs were no problem, even though our lives were absolutely total chaos, we didn't realise it at the time.

Again, I got busted for drugs in October 1996. At this stage I was sent to prison, to Risley Remand Centre, and it was the first real time I'd had to experience going without drugs and withdrawal. The first three days were an absolute nightmare; I'd never known anything like it and the reality of my addiction really started to hit me in the face. The other three weeks of my prison time weren't too bad; my boyfriend was smuggling drugs in for me so I was able to keep up my habit. I had no responsibilities, I was with all my using friends in there and I suppose I had quite a good time and a good break. I got released from there, I was sent to a bale hostel in Liverpool. Things were even worse in there; all the girls were prostituting themselves. I couldn't go out doing any kind of criminal things for my money because I was on bale and just out of prison. I didn't want to go back and so I could have seen myself slipping in to prostitution if I hadn't had my boyfriend there to support me with drugs.

I ran away from there after a few weeks because it was getting too heavy, and I wanted to be back in Preston with my boyfriend. Things were okay for another couple of months, so I thought. By okay I mean I had my drugs, but everything else was falling down around me, my family didn't want to know, we were living from flat to flat, I wasn't taking care of my appearance, all that mattered was that I had my drugs.

Things went really down hill when my boyfriend was sent to prison in December 1996. I'd never really had to do things for myself before and I also thought I was different because I didn't have to go out shoplifting. I wasn't injecting so I thought I was a bit different and I had things under control - how wrong I was. By this stage I was left on my own and I had to turn to crime, shoplifting, fraud, robbing peoples' handbags, any way that I could to get my drugs, I'd go to any lengths, it just didn't seem to matter to me as long as I had my drugs there.

These few months were an absolute nightmare, I started injecting drugs, living here and there, like I said I wasn't taking care of my appearance, my personal hygiene, my clothes; at one time these had all mattered to me, I'd always liked to be smart but this didn't seem to matter any more. I was known for being like a local "smackhead", that didn't seem to bother me. All my decent friends didn't want to know me. The only reason that I wanted to know people, or vice versa, was really for what we could get out of each other, stabbing each other in the back, nothing else mattered at all. I just didn't care at all for anybody apart from my drugs and myself.

I couldn't go on any more, there were warrants out for my arrest, I was on my own I had nowhere to go. I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and got introduced to a treatment centre in St. Helen's called Pierpoint House, which I was fortunate enough to get funding for. I spent 7 months there and it was a really hard time. Whilst I was in treatment, my boyfriend actually died in prison. I was devastated and that could have been an excuse for me to go back to that life, but I knew there had to be something better and amazingly I stuck it out. Through being clean, I actually had a court appearance in November where I was due to go back to prison, but I was lucky enough to be given a chance for a deferred sentence. Before going in there I just could imagine a life without drugs, I couldn't see a way out of that vicious circle, but I started to see that I could build a better life for myself and there were people around me that were doing it.

I came out of treatment in November 1997 and I've built up relationships back with my parents. They actually let me back into the family home, which otherwise never would have happened. I've gone back to college now, just part-time, I'm hoping to go to University. I never would have been able to commit myself to anything like that when I was using and I'm really enjoying it and getting a lot of self worth from that. I've also got friends in my life now who you can trust, that aren't there to stab you in the back: genuine friends around me. I'm starting socialising; doing the things that young girls should be doing at my age. I've got the use of my mum's car, now that she trusts me. I just get a bit of self worth now, not wanting to harm anyone and steal off anyone. Just being honest with myself and other people helps build up my self worth and I can now see a positive life without the use of drugs.

At the moment I am going to college, hopefully at the end of it I'll be able to help other people through my experience. I'd really get a lot of satisfaction through that and I hope I can give other people hope and help like I was given help when I was struggling




left arrowback button {short description of image} {short description of image}right arrow


. Material Copyright © 1997 THOMAS (Those on the Margins of a Society)
THOMAS is an integral part of Catholic Welfare Societies, Registered Charity number 503102