MY JOURNEY THROUGH MENTAL ILLNESS

I was pleased when I was asked to write an article for the Edges Magazine on my experience of mental illness. Somehow mental illness can often be seen as an ugly stigma - a thing which should be hidden away and forgotten about in fear of ridicule and embarrassment. Although I am sometimes self-conscious and a little afraid of what people may think about life on a psychiatric ward, I feel I have learnt a great deal about myself and other people, after having been there.

After having a mental breakdown, which the psychiatrists termed as "paranoid psychosis", I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act, which meant I was to be kept in a psychiatric hospital for a month whilst I was psychologically assessed. I had lost touch with reality and had to be brought back to reality with the use of medication and treatment. I no longer knew the world around me; people were just strangers who I thought were part of a major conspiracy. Even my own family whom I loved, seemed distant.

The social worker and police handed me over to the nursing staff on the ward late one night. I was given a cup of tea and then asked a large number of personal questions about myself from a sheet of paper. I felt all the privacy I had known all these years was being slowly taken away from me. I had no defence mechanisms - I couldn't do anything but open my mind to them. After about an hour I was given some medication and lead into the dormitory to a bed. When I woke up the following morning my head felt funny and I felt I had been sedated. I could only move slowly and things seemed a little blurred. A nurse came in and asked me to go on the ward for my breakfast and tablets.

Throughout the course of the morning, one by one, some of the patients would discreetly come to me and introduce themselves, shaking my hand. I felt I had been put onto a stage and expected to act. I had never been in this situation before. I wasn't frightened because I knew I was safe, but I was very upset. I had been proud of the way I was before this dreadful thing happened, I had lost my self-esteem and self-confidence and now I was very uncertain of the future. I was lost with people now to depend on. Each day I walked up and down the ward wandering in and out of rooms, waiting for meal times and medication, marking the milestones of the day.

From time to time a psychiatrist would interview me in a room and ask me some questions about myself whilst taking notes. I never tried to hide anything, but at the same time I clung to the little privacy I had. Everywhere I went I was convinced I was being followed and being studied closely. This paranoia seemed to affect the other patients as well but in other aspects. I wasn't interested in anyone else's illness, I just took people on face value. If anyone could hold a pleasant conversation irrespective of his or her impediment, I wasn't bothered. I hadn't an illness as such - or so I thought; the distress and concern my family were showing every time they visited me every day was just part of the conspiracy. It is difficult and complex to accept that your own sanity is not right, to surrender that is to surrender everything. Without it, regardless of circumstance, there can be no self worth.

The last thing I wanted was religion. I asked for my Bible but the words meant nothing to me. I enjoyed listening to music and going to the day hospital. This building was on an adjacent ward where patients could go to play table tennis etc. The way to it was along a winding corridor, which joined the two wards together. The corridor was made up of large sections of glass and passed through a garden. A lot of light used to shine in and it was warm. Walking through it you could see the flowers and the trees and it made me feel at peace with myself.

Whilst I was sedated, I struggled to have even a simple conversation. I formed little logic of what I was saying. I became very insecure about people and the world around. I suffered a total lack of confidence in myself. Trying to fill time was difficult; the staff used to encourage us to play board games, the most I could manage was a simple game of Blackjack. Besides having to cope with your own illness you had to tolerate everyone else's. Getting well again was a very gradual and slow process. I knew I was getting better when my medication started getting reduced. I used to look amused and perplexed, but deep inside I knew something was becoming restored. I would not have been able to cope without the kind co-operation of the staff who, after I'd been there for a week, let me leave the ward and go outside in the grounds on my own. Every day things I'd always taken for granted, greeted me with such optimism; I'd see nature and the colour of the sky and the rays of the sun, the sound of footsteps on tarmac. I know they may sound inappropriate and of little significance, but they reminded me that I was a living being with a right to be here. The pain and anguish I initially felt were beginning to become of less importance. Instead of looking back and becoming analytical of what had happened, each day was progressively being filled with bits of optimism.

A major challenge of importance was to allow the nursing staff to talk to me. Once I placed my trust in their care and support, I found I had made a positive framework in starting to rebuild my life. I found this to be crucial with regards to my recovery despite the humiliation.

Throughout my stay in hospital, my family came to see me every day. This was so important. The loving relationship I had always known, was helping me each day to become stable and it helped me learn to acknowledge what had happened to me. After leaving hospital their support still continued, for which I will always be grateful.

Before my breakdown I took a lot of things for granted. My faith in God and humanity is a realisation of having to make sense in things around me. I strive to be happy each day in order to progress. Throughout the difficulties in life some very special words will always stay close to me. "In life I have only one desire - that is to love. Either death or love, because life without love is worse than death."

Michael Young